I did it.  I put the down payment on a hot tub!  It is just a small one because I can't afford anything bigger and I really want a place to call my own.  My own little oasis.  I have been feeling so sad for so long now I thought I deserved to do something for myself.  A holiday ends (Hawaii would have been nice!) and this lasts many, many years.  I just have to have my sundeck reinforced which my dad is going to do for me then it is a go.  This is the first big purchase I have ever made.  I have never had enough money to do anything so I am pretty nervous and excited.  
It looks exactly like the one in the picture except I got a jet pack especially for neck and shoulders.  
OK, I am off to work. I need to stop at Tim Horton's so I don't fall asleep tonight.  I am so tired. 

A Day

I went to see my dad today.  He has been away pretty well since my mom died.  He told me he found a lump in his prostate.  He is waiting to get a biopsy.  Very likely cancer.  I can't go to that place right now.  All cancer means to me is suffering until you can't take it any more then more suffering.  When you want to die because you know no other life except cancer and suffering you suffer some more.  Then it strips you for any dignity.  Then you die.  Yes, I know I am being extreme but that is where I am at today.  When my mom was diagnosed I had total faith and hope that she would survive and beat it.  I won't do that again.  I choose to think nothing.  I choose to be numb to its insidiousness.  Anyway, I will let you know.  It takes a while to get biopsies in Canada (a downside of Universal Health Care).  He is waiting for the phone call from the hospital.


While I was there I picked up a few things that my mom wanted me to have.  A charcoal picture that was done by my great aunt.  There were also some antique knick-knacks.  They are sitting in my bay window now.  They make me glad.


It is my day off but I always find my first day off so exhausting It is hard working nights than switching to days.  I will be OK tomorrow.  I think I might book an aromatherapy massage for myself this week.  I have a union meeting this week too.  Fun!

I got these in the mail today!  I love crows as you know.  I also love this vintage owl.   I got them off Etsy. (Don't go there.  Don't!)  I need to stop looking at that site.  Some of the stuff there is so nice.  The only thing I don`t like it is all the writing on the site is super small and hard to read.  Maybe I need new glasses.  Bi-focals?  At what age do people get bifocals?


Last night I ordered a letter "T" for my laptop.  Norbert tore it off.  He did!  When I first got this laptop I was holding him and had a fit and ripped it off.   Of course he ripped off a good letter that is needed often.  He could not have gone after a Q or Z.  I think he did it on purpose.  He is rotten to the core.  So why do I love him so much?


Later that night... I am up and it is almost 4 a.m.  Fiancé is snoring so loud I can still hear him and I am on the other side of the house.  I am so tired!  I don't want to get separate beds but I am already having problems with going between sleeping nights and days.  I also don't sleep well even when I do sleep.  Oh well, he gets up at 4:30 for work then I can go to bed.

It Has Been 6 Months

My mom died 6 months ago this week.  It feels like yesterday.  No, that is not true.  It feels like today.  It feels like she died today.  Maybe I am just really, really tired.  I just finished three night shifts and  did not sleep well during the days.  Maybe it is because I have been sick.  Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back.  It feels as if the person I used to be is gone.  Or was she even ever there?  When I left my ex-husband I spent years finding out who I was and trying lots of different things that interested me. Little interests me now.  I am trying so hard, I really am. Please believe that.  I get up everyday and I try.   Everyday I try and yet most days I feel so sad and defeated.  Defeated.  Life has got the better of me and I don't have even a tiny bit left to deal with anything.  Even when I blog I am not being honest with you.  I say words that I think you want to hear.  It has got to the point where I don't care anymore.  My numbness is bigger than I am.  
My family has gone to its knees since my mom died.  My dad, my strong dad who has always been bigger than life is a shell.  He used to be the strongest man I know and always had the answer.  He is also lost and I have no way of helping him. My daddy is no longer strong and has no more answers than I do.  I don't see my brother and sister anymore.  We used to be such a strong family.  We were so close.  We used to never go more than a week without seeing each other.  I used to talk to my mom and dad at least once a day and saw them several times a week.  Now all  my family might as well be dead too.  It feels that way. Maybe we are. 
I never knew grief would be an impossible task.  I have been told I have been grieving too long and it is time to move on.  What am I to  move on to?  
Anyway, my kids are now in the room and I don't like them to see me sad.  My son is very sensitive and it hurts him.  I am going to go rest on my bed.  

Crap.  I have never bought anything from an infommercial before and now I am regretting that I did.  I bought an Ahh Bra an now I have read reviews and it is hated by a lot of people.  There are some people that love it but there are more people that hate it.  I am a small busted saggy baggy woman and it seems he people that hate it are larger busted but I am still worried. Why didn't I read the reviews first? It would be nice to find a bra I don't hate.  I will keep you posted.
Not much going on here.  It was sunny today but I was sleeping.  I am now off to work again and then I am on my days off.  

Update - When I first purchased the Ahh! Bra and tried it on I was somewhat impressed.  I am a B cup normally and thought the bra offered enough support.  As time has gone on I am less and less impressed.  Though the bra claims to never lose its shape but I am having doubts.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and was horrified!  My breasts had no support and I looked terrible.  My breasts were hanging down near my middle. I am constantly pulling at the bra to give myself a lift.  Another problem is they are thin and my nipples are always showing so I have to put a jacket or sweater on.  These bras are not worth the money.  Pass!

I Hab a Code

Have I used this picture before?  Probably.

I haven't had a cold in a long time.  I have one now and it is one of those colds where I have to breathe out of my mouth and there are about 150 Kleenex's around me.  The good thing about being sick is I can read blogs and not feel too guilty about sitting on the couch in pyjamas all day long.  I did go and get some groceries.  Did I remember to buy chicken noodle soup or a new case of Kleenex's?  No.  I did not.  Now I want chicken soup and I have about 30 Kleenex's left which will last me about an hour.  Days like this I miss my mom.  She would have come over with soup and the nice extra soft brand of Kleenex's.  She would have done my dishes and put a load of laundry in the washer. 

It seems almost everyone in blogland is talking about Spring.  It is still cold where I live.  No buds or blossoms anywhere.   It just keeps raining.  And if you think I need to buck up I can tell you that one can only take about 9 straight months of rain before going nuts.  Even the birds are in a bad mood.  I was watching them today and I saw them fighting.  Yes, I realize birds in hot climates do this too but I am convinced they are crabby because of the weather.

My Grandpa Used to Say...

Cute duck picture is from Cute Overload.  Go there
if you are ever feeling down.
http://cuteoverload.com/ 

Der spring is sprung 
Der grass is riz 
I wonder where dem boidies is? 

Der little boids is on der wing, 
Ain't dat absoid? 
Der little wings is on de boid! 


My grandpa used to love Spring.  And he would say this poem over and over.  I was only 9 when he died but I remember him saying this little poem and I remember how much he loved me.  When I was little I thought he wrote it. I am still not convinced he didn't.  I still don't know who did write it and I don't care. In my world he thought it up.  He did. 


I have been thinking about getting a dog (but don't tell Ms. Moon because she will think it is a horrible idea).  I have it narrowed down to a mixed breed.  A sort of terrier/poodle/lab thing.  When I tell people I am thinking of getting a dog I get mixed reviews.  One group of people think it is an excellent idea because pets bring healing.  The other group of people think it is a terrible idea because I should not be making any major decisions in the first year.
  
I am also saving up to buy a hot tub. The one I want is a hydrotherapy tub.  I want a small one because I am simply not the type to have a hot tub party however even a small one is going to be around $6000.00.  But here is the thing.  Before I got the job I am currently at I had been living below the poverty line.  I have been so poor in the past that I could not afford to buy food.  There are times when I could not afford to eat more than one meal a day.  I have always bought my clothes at thrift stores.  I had not been on a holiday in about 20 years.  Now I can afford the hot tub but I am afraid to spend the money.  What if I lose my job?  Unless you have lived in poverty it is hard to understand the fear of spending money.  I have lived in poverty before and it could happen again.  When you have lived in desperate times you learn desperation. Right now I am giving monthly donations to Hospice.  I promised myself if I ever had money I would support an organization I believed in but right now I can't seem to feeling OK about spending so much money on myself.  This is not a question of feeling whether or not I deserve this.  I have no problems with my self-worth.  It is not a question of need.  I know this purchase will be a good one.  I have suffered panic and anxiety my whole life and a hot tub is better than been addicted to ativan.   I know a hot tub will also help me sleep. Anyway, I have saved about 1/3 of the cost.  I guess I will see what happens. 


Now go to Cute Overload.

Further Proof of His Evil Reign

Before I moved, Norbert was always an indoor cat.  He wasn't allowed out even though he tried to escape daily.  I did not let him out because we lived on a highway and he would have ended up in the next town over in the grill of someone's car.  Back then I suspected he was Satan's father but now I know he is. 
Today he killed a bird.  After he brought it in the house and had great fun with it too. Feathers everywhere.  I know most of you are thinking no big deal, right?  It is a big deal!  I let flies out so I don't have to kill them!  I capture spiders and put them outside because I don't have it in me to kill something.  
And now this.  Let me tell you, he is very proud of what he has done.  He walks with a "you're next if you don't buy me soft cat food" swagger.  

I have owned a lot of cats and none have every killed things before.  No, I am wrong.  Norbert has killed spiders before too. Actually, he doesn't kill them.  He catches and releases over and over again.  The spider ends up with two legs begging to die.  At this point he eats the spider.  
I know he is practising for his ultimate kill.  Me. I know he secretly hates me.  Sure he snuggles up to me in bed and purrs but it is a ruse to deprive me of sleep and catch me off guard.
I don't know what to say about the bird.  Right now Norbert is walking around all bad-ass and proud of this addition to his rap sheet.  Bad cat.  

Cold Nose

This is not me but I love this nose warmer.  I don't know why but my nose is cold all the time. It has been cold for months.  It never gets warm.  It is cold to the point of distraction. I just had my thyroid tested so it is not my thyroid.  
I really am getting more and more weird as I get older.  Who the hell has a cold nose all the time?   I wish I could crochet so I could make a couple of these nose warmers.   


Anyway...


I still have another 6 weeks before I get my final results back from my sleep study.  I am so tired of being tired.  When I did the first sleep study 2 months ago the doctor said I wake up on average every 45 seconds which puts me as an extreme case for sleep deprivation.  


So with that, I am off to have a hot bath (to warm my nose) and then bed (because I am tired.)


PS- Holy shit!  Etsy sells nose warmers.  I think I should order a couple. 

Blogger Has Gone Nutty

I clicked a button on Blogger and everything has gone all nutty.  I have no idea how to get it back to normal.  Bah.  I am too tired to get it back.  I am going to go have a nap before work.  Incidentally, I do believe I work with the laziest person on the planet.   She told me she likes the night shift because it is quiet and she can smoke.  Yeah. Oh, don't forget that she can sleep for half her shift.  Now she has me to do her work.  Normally I would not do it but I really love what I do.  She does not like any of the elderly people she cares for.  In my opinion it is better she stays away.  I am honoured to care for people in a way she can't or won't.  
OK, now for a nap. 

Eddie -  I hope your heaven is filled with a never-ending supply of balls to chase and oceans to swim.  

Eddie (my dad's dog) had to be put down today.  He was the sweetest dog that I have ever known.  He would chase balls for hours on end, tiring our entire family out.  He couldn't be kept out of any body of water and loved to dive and swim.  A loving  and faithful dog. A good friend. You will be missed.  Thanks for being such a great dog. 

Alone and Lonely

Ever since my mom died I have felt so alone.  I am so tired of crying.  Crying that comes from my very core and is never soothed.  I do not talk about my family on this blog for the sake of their privacy but I have to write this out.  
My fiancé and I are having so many problems.  He is always angry at me.  Ever since we moved in together it has been horrible.  He keeps telling me that he wants to kill himself because of me.  He tells me that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him.  Between the day my mom died and her Celebration of Life he told me he was going to kill himself because I make his life so terrible.  He tells me that he does not know why he stays with me. 
If I ask him questions about what he is doing or where he is going he becomes resentful.  If I don't do enough housework he gets angry.  He never kisses me goodnight unless I ask.  (I grew up with my mom and dad kissing all the time.)  I have tried to speak to him and he just goes quiet or gets really mad at me. 
Before we moved in together things were not like this.  I don't know what has happened.  Maybe I am a burden.  Since my mom died I am pretty useless.  I cry every day but so much of it has to do with him.  If I could leave tonight I would but I have nowhere to go.  My dad is out of the country.  I don't have friends close enough to ask to take me  and two teenagers in.  
I am not sleeping. I am not eating. I have lost about 25 pounds.  How much can a person cry until there are no more tears?  I want to die.  I stay alive each day for my kids.  Right now I am a shitty mom.  My kids talk to me and there words make no sense.  Last night I spoke to my sister and I could not tell you one words she said.  I knew it had  to do with my papa and his medication but I don't know what she wanted me to do. My whole life is like this.  People talk to me and I don't understand.  I read my books and I don't know what I am reading.  I drive and forget where I am going. I read your blog posts and I can't come up with any words for a comment.  All I can do right now is stare at the birds.  
I love my fiancé very much.  At least I think I do.  I have always been a woman that gives her heart openly and freely to everyone.  I want our relationship to be what it was. It is hard to love when there is so much pain in my heart.   Maybe I am just too fucked up.  I hear that god won't give us any more than we can take.  Not true.  My heart has been broken more times I can't even count.  
I don't know how much longer I can do this.  I miss my mom (and dad) every second of every day.  I have never felt so alone in my entire life.  I want to die.  I am already on a new anti-depressant but anti-depressants can't take away pain and grief.  Why is this fucking grief not letting up?  I am doing everything you are supposed to do when grieving.  I journal, I go to counselling, I meditate, I do Yoga and I practice self-care.  And yet, grief hangs around my neck. Why did God see it to take one of the most beautiful people ever?  She was my best friend, my mentor, my cheering section, my protector, my counselor and my mama. She was so incredibly beautiful.  
When will the pain end? 

I love my blogging friends. 

My mom and dad were married on this day.  They never intended to have a Valentine's day wedding.  They just decided to get married the second weekend in February and it fell on the 14th.  I think it is a very appropriate day for two people who were are so in love.  
An uneventful day.  I bought some candles that were actually made here in Canada and not in China.  I love candles and burn them almost everyday but I won't buy candles that have been godknowswhere.  I am breathing that stuff in so I am very selective.  Today I bought three Sweet-pea candles and I think I am going to go buy more because you can never have too many candles in B@rbara's world.   
The weather has been nice.  Usually this kind of weather makes me want to do some Spring cleaning.  I really should clean out the bottom of my closet.  I keep throwing crap in there.  I think it probably empties out somewhere near Denver, Colorado but I can't be sure.  Anyway, I am not cleaning.  I just stare out the window and watch the birds.  I hope I get some energy soon.  Actually, I don't.  I am content to just watch the birds for now.
I am coming up my blogging anniversary next week.  I have been blogging at 40 and Loving it for one year.  However, I have been blogging since February 2004.  Holy crap, that is a long time.  If you are interested here is a link to my first blog.    I wrote there from 2004 - 2007 and then I started another blog where I wrote very sporadically.  Anyway, what is the point? I don't have one.  I do like looking back at where I was and how far I have come. 
OK, bath and candle time.  

I hate Facebook.  Have I mentioned that yet?  I had enough about 2 years ago but I kept my account open.  I recently cleaned up my friends list and deleted about 100 people.  When my mom died people actually thought sending a condolence via Facebook would suffice.  That is when it got to be too much.  Unless you have never met someone in person or have not seen them since  high school don't send a fucking sympathy note via Facebook.  It is too fucked up. Instead, go to the dollar store and pick up a damn card , sign your name and stick a stamp on it.  I didn't want to go all crazy-ass over this.  I thought I would let it rest but it kept bothering me.  Really bothering me.  Then I started really paying attention to what people were posting.  One woman I had on my friends list used to slam her family and neighbours in her posts.  I guess somebody called her on it because then there was a post saying she thought Facebook was a "safe place" to vent.  Anyway, I am tired of the same old shit day after day so I deleted my entire account. But get this.  It is never really deleted!  It just sits inactive until you give in (to your addiction) and sign back in. Bah.  
In other news I bought 24 pairs of new socks today. I threw all the old ones away.  I know it is a stupid thing to get excited about but all my socks were like cheese-cloth.  
I mentioned a video post a while back and I am thinking of doing it soon. I was thinking of a "Day in the Life of B@rbara" thing.  I was going to do it this week seeing as how I just had my eyebrows waxed but then this huge zit appeared on my cheek.  Drat it anyway.  Maybe next week.  

Ag! I Should Post...

I haven't been posting so I am going to try to think of something to say.  I am on my days off and I have done nothing.  Nothing, I tell you.  I find 'days off' are usually spent running around doing stuff but this week I decided to sit and stare at the wall. Maybe read a book.  (I am having a hard time finding a good read lately.  I don't want anything heavy.  Something that would make me laugh would be nice.  Any suggestions?)  I did have my eye brows waxed and my bangs trimmed because (as my mom used to say) I was looking like the Wreck of the Hesperus.  

Norbert, the U.B.  (see side bar if you are new to my blog) is in full on "it's Spring!"  mode.  He is fixed but you would never guess.  He cries like a baby so he can go outside.  What the hell he does out there that brings him so much pleasure is beyond me.  (humping things I have no doubt.) He is also trying to overthrow me by repeated assassination attempts on the stairs.  He runs as fast as he can around the house with no apparent direction or purpose.  I am quite convinced that when I get old I am going to die as a result of a broken hip because a cat tripped me.  That cat won't be Norbert but it will be a cat.  Evil.  Pure evil, all of them!  If I blog long enough one day everyone will wonder what happened when I no longer post.  It will be because a cat managed to kill me.  You would think I should choose to live in a house without cats but that is just silly.

These are my Groundhogs.  Six more weeks of winter my friends.  I was hoping it would come before May 21.  But aren't they cute?  I am missing some of the ones from the collection but I see e-bay has them.  This is my only collection.   They only get to come out once a year.  

Anyway, I am going to go back to staring at the wall. 

I sit and try to post.  The cursor blinks at me. 

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

All the while I have so much to say but none of it seems to matter and yet it all matters so I sit and stare at the damn cursor.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

And it pisses me off because my fingers are tired and won't write.  My brain is fatigued.  My eyes are heavy. My heart beats that of a dead person.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

I buy shit on e bay and I keep buying books and nothing satisfies.  I wander around the pharmacy and walk around and around and around.  I buy some post-it notes.  I don’t need post-it notes.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 


Stop fucking blinking!

I just want to have a sleep and wake up refreshed.  Dinner will be cooked and the kitchen will be clean.  My daughter will stop being snippy and be nice to me.  My fiancé will pretend he gives a shit that I think I am going to die from grief.  

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

And yet, I can't write any of it. I talk to my counsellor and I look at her and try to remember what brought me there. I talk in circles.  Surely she secretly thinks I am crazy.  

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink  

The tree outside my window (I named the tree Brianna) is full of birds.  I stare out at them. They eat from their feeder.  That is the extent of their worries for the day. These days I stare at the birds a lot.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

I don't want to eat anything.  I want to go to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.  I don't want to go to parent/teacher interviews because it is all bullshit.  How my kids did in school this term will have no influence on their lives 20 years from now.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink

What am I to say?  Where do I start?  If I start writing I fear I will open up and there are not enough words to soothe my aching soul.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

My bra irritates me and I pull it down in frustration and wonder why the hell I am wearing it when it causes so much misery.  Outside the birds squabble at the feeder.  There is more than enough food for all of them.  Greedy little shits.  I hate them for their easy lives.  I look again out the window.  Our neighbours are going out for the 5th time today.  I wonder if they are dealing drugs.  Surely not.  They are a lovely couple.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

I rub my eyes.  The cursor keeps blinking.  I watch it.  Maybe I will go insane.  Then everyone will take notice and click their tongues and feel sad for me.  "So sad",  they will say.  And I will stare and the cursor and smile to myself
.  

 blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink

This picture is completely unrelated to post.
 It is a deer that was in our yard a few weeks ago.

I woke up this morning far too early (thanks to the Ungrateful Bastard) so I figured I would post.  I am wrapped in my "comfort shawl" that my Hospice counsellor gave to me.  I love it. It keeps me warm and toasty and yes, comforted.
I think the new antidepressants I am on are starting to work but now I just feel numbness.  It feels like there is a huge hole where my heart used to be.  I am reading some books on grief that I don't hate and want to throw across the room.  They help because I read and feel reassured that I am  my feelings are normal.
I am considering getting my accreditation on Palliative care.  The courses are expensive but this is something I really want to do to better care for the people I look after. I need to make a decision in the next few days.  If I decide that I want to do it later the course are ongoing. They are also online so that makes it much easier. 
I have to be up in an hour so I am going to go back and dive beneath my blankets.

Up All Night

I have been up all night.  And I love it.  My new job is 8 p.m  to 8 a.m. and it is bringing some happiness to my life. I have never been a morning person.  My whole life I have had a very difficult time getting up to the point of panic attacks.  I have always said I do not fit the 9 - 5 world.  I don't sleep well at night but sleep very well during the day.  Why?  I do not know.  I have worked in community health for 12 years now and while everyone is vying for the morning and day shifts I quite happily am working nights.
I am working in a facility right now.  It makes me glad that I can do something to make a persons last days on earth better.  It is hard to see someone get closer to death when it is human nature to want to sustain life but death is a part of life.  It is.  
I had a first time experience last night.  It was one of those "I have to tell Mom about that" then I remembered she is dead.  I was going to tell her something I had remembered.  It was strange. 
OK, I am off to bed.  

An Egg at 4 a.m.

Yes, I am up at 4 a.m. eating a hard boiled egg and toast with almond butter and a glass of milk.  Incidentally,  I lost my salt shaker about 4 months ago.  It is just gone.  How can you lose a salt shaker?  I don't know.  I don't use a lot of salt so it really is a mystery. My friends would shake their heads and laugh because losing a salt shaker is so "me". 
I am taking Ms.  Moon's advice and going to do something nice for myself. I did by some very nice and expensive hand lotion the other day.  I am allergic to every smell in the world with the exception of lavender.  This hand lotion is made locally and she only makes is under the full moon which I originally thought nonsense until I tried it.  I have had severe eczema and this is the only stuff I can use on it.  I can also use it on my over-washed nursing hands.  It apparently works on all sorts of things.  Here, check it out. http://www.aromacrystal.com  Anyway, I digress.  I am going to start doing some nice things for myself.  I am not sure what yet because I have not done anything for just me for a very long time.
I see my grief counsellor today.  She is wonderful.  I truly love this woman. She could be out making $150.00 an hour but instead works for Hospice. She is one of my favourite people.  I also think I am going to take advantage of a free counselling program through my workplace.  
My dad's birthday is this weekend.  I think I am going to go buy him a rechargeable 3 million candle power flashlight for when he is at his cabin.  My mom made me promise I would look after him so this is a start.  Maybe I will buy him some fishing stuff too.  And long underware.   
OK, I am going back to bed.  

Blogging Slump

I am in a blogging slump.  I guess I am in a pretty bad depression.  I am on medication that does not seem to be working yet.  Everything is so joyless right now.  It does not help that is never stops raining.  All I want to do is sleep. I have all these mysterious aches and pains. My asthma, which I have had under control for 16 years is all of a sudden acting up again forcing me to go back on inhalers.  I am cold all the time.  I went to the Sleep Clinic and I didn't sleep.  How surprising is that?   And, I miss my mom.  All the time.  I wish for someone who was like my mom, someone to talk to.  This loneliness is the hardest part of all. 
I started my new position at work last week and it went fine.  It makes me feel somewhat better to be caring for others but a big part of me just wants to be cared for in the way I care for my patients.  
Maybe I need a vacation.  Right now I feel like I am split open and nobody even notices.  I am sobbing and nobody cares any more.  (Why do I always think any more is one word?  Isn't it?)  I mean, I should be over this right?  It will be 4 months on Friday. 4 months ago I held my mom's hand and watch cancer finally win.  I held her hand and watched her take her second to last breath and then 30 seconds later her last.  I kept hoping there would be more breaths.  That she would start breathing again and open her eyes and all of it was a mistake.  She didn't have cancer, she never did.  The doctors were wrong.  Even now, 4 months later I still think the doctors were wrong.  How screwed up is that?  
I thought I would be getting better by now but I am not.  The loneliness I feel for my mom is huge.  I lost the person who has loved me forever.  The person that loved me more than anyone is gone.  
And I feel guilty for posting these depressing posts over and over again.  I want to be funny Birdie again.  I want to write silly posts.   My grief counsellor and all the books I read on grief promise me that I will have better days.  I hope so.

My Mom Stops By to Say Hello

Norbert (the Ungrateful Bastard) was chasing this ladybug around the house today.  I want to say it is snowing outside and below freezing.  I have never seen a ladybug in the winter before.  I have always loved them and thought of them as a sign.  I like to think my mom sent this to me.


I am crabby tonight.  It is that time of the month and I just figured out I have had roughly 325 monthly cycles. WTF?  No wonder I am in a bad mood most of the time.  The whole thought really makes me hate men. OK, not all men but men in general.  


Oh! I love my new e reader.  I ended up getting a Sony.  I really have no idea what the differences between readers are, I just love the idea that I can read wherever I want.  Do you know a doctor told me I should not read before bed?  Now listen. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs or really ever go out.  In general, I don't have fun. I have no vices. I watch about 2 hours of TV a week. What do I do?  I read.  I will always read.  It brings me so much contentment in life and it makes me happy.  There is no way that I am going to stop reading.  Just thinking about not having the ability to read freaks me out.  


Anyway, it is almost time for bed. Norbert aka the Ungrateful Bastard is asleep beside me.  I think I am going to poke at him just for fun.
(You know I won't of course.)

Latex Allergy Extreme

My appointment with the allergist yesterday was most interesting.  I don't just have a latex sensitivity or even a latex allergy.  It is a Latex Anaphylaxis. It is a very rare (she has only ever had one patient this severe before) that she did not follow through with the entire test as she was concerned I could go into anaphylactic shock right there, or worse after I left her office.  She recommended an epi-pen and a medical alert bracelet.  This is all so weird to me.  I had no idea it was that bad.  I mean I knew I needed to avoid latex because I displayed symptoms but I didn't know I could die from it.
Anyway, She also did a bunch of other testing and it turns out I have no other allergies (including cats, dairy, wheat, peanuts, shellfish or soy.  The only one that was positive was dust mites.  It was also severe but not  anaphylactic severe.  I just have to wash all my bed linens in hot water and have a mattress pad and pillow cover for dust mites.  I also need to keep my bedroom dust free.  I don't have carpet in the bedroom so that is very good.  She gave me an inhaler because my lungs are all buggered up from the dust mites. (Pun intended.)
So, that was my day!  I got to sit and talk to my dad and it made me so happy.  I feel so fractured right now and he helps to make me feel more whole.
My son's play went splendidly!  The next play he could be in is "Hairspray" but I think he has decided to opt out.  He needs a break.  He has been in 10 major productions in 5 years and it is time for a break.  He also just does not want to do  Hairspray!  ha ha
OK, I am off to de-dust my bedroom. 

And so...

My Igloo

I went to my doctor today and he has me on an new anti-depressant.  The one I am on is clearly not working.  He also doing blood work for a bunch of crap.  I am sure my blood work will be fine.  Maybe one day blood will be able to detect high levels of grief.  Maybe.  He also recommended more Reiki and hypnotherapy.  This is the reason I love my doctor.  He practices Reiki himself and gives Reiki to his patients.  He said when he first started his practice he was having a very hard time until he discovered Reiki.  He is now able to keep his energy balanced while still endlessly giving to patients.  Any other doctor that I have mentioned Reiki to looks at me like I am a fruitcake.
Tomorrow I am going to have latex allergy testing done.  The appointment is 2 hours away and I am going with my dad.  Yay!  As for the latex allergy, it appears I have developed one.  My new employer is sending me to have testing.  I am not really sure why.  I think heart palpitations, numb lips and my throat closing up should be evidence enough but whatever...
My son is in a play this weekend.  He is playing the Wiz!  He is very talented.  This is his 10th major play he is been in.  His other big part was playing Jafar in Aladdin.
I just spent almost $400.00 for a new Highland jacket for my daughter.  Seriously?  $400.00?  My mom and dad used to help pay for all the extra curricular activities for my kids but now all my dad has is his pension so I will have to pay for everything now.  Do you think my kids dad will help?  Hahahahahahahahhahahahaha!  Let's just say my new job came at the perfect time. If I had not got this job my kids would have not been able to continue.  My daughter is 14 and has been dancing since she was 6.  It would have broken her heart.  I am so glad that I can do this for them.
OK, I am cold, as usual.  I live in Canada.  It is supposed to be cold.  I need to turn up the heat in the old igloo.  Night all. I love you.  Thank you for loving me. xo

Update

So, I have been pretty much going to work and sleeping.  I can't believe how tired I am all the time.  I *am* going to he doctor tomorrow and I hope I get some things straightened out.  On top of being tired I am not eating because my stomach can't handle food.  Stress. meh
I worked 8 hours yesterday and 7 today. I am off tomorrow! Yay!  I start my my new position next week.  Anyway, that is all.  I am off to work. 

Slipping Fast

I don't even know why I am blogging any more.  It is not helping. Every day now is worse than the day before.  I  am thinking this is now bigger than grief and loss.  I guess the black dog forced his way in sometime in the last few weeks.  I know I need to go to my doctor and get on some new anti-depressants because the ones I am on are most definitely not working.  
I just want this long panic attack to stop.  I fee like I am dying.  I want  to die.  I wish I was dead and gone from this relentless pain.   However, I am stuck here because I would not do that to my kids.  I am in hell.  There is no peace.  I look forward to nothing.  Life is like shards of glass on my heart and mind.  Everything is beyond darkness.  It is drowning me and fear and terror grips every moment of my life.  Oh, dear god I want to die.  I can't even take a full breath.  What am I going to do?  There are no answers.  I have lived a lifetime of a depressed person with anxiety.  I can't do this any more.  I wish I was outwardly ill so someone would notice.  But nobody does.  I am invisible.  Maybe I will just fade away.  Gone.


Update - A few hours later... I went to work but it I ended early so I wandered around the pharmacy and bought some hair colour and 2 Susan Boyle CD's.  My mom speaks to me through music.  I am feeling a little better.  A little. 

Waking Up

I woke up the last two mornings and just felt so lost.  I feel like I am constantly running from grief and then it catches up to me and knocks me down.  When I am running I feel like air is being squeezed from my lungs.  I get so physically tired.  I have been sick now for over 3 weeks and just can't get better.  If anything, I am getting worse.  Anyway, I blog this and I wonder what the point is.  Will I ever not feel lost?  Before my mom died I wondered how I could go on after she died.  Now I know I am going on and the going on is the worst part.  I just want to stop everything.  
My job is going well.  I really look forward to my days off.  Christmas tree is down but boxes are sitting around waiting to be put away.  
So, that is about it.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom.  I am off to have a hot bath and then bed. 

Nightmares

One of the worst things about my mom dying is the nightmares that she died.  Waking up brings no relief because I find out it is true.  I also dream that my mouth is full of gum and I can't get rid of it.  As fast as I pull it out of my mouth is appears again. 

Definition:

Dreaming that you are chewing gum, suggests that you are unable to express yourself effectively. You may feel vulnerable. Alternatively, is symbolizes a sticky situation that you found yourself in. Dreaming that you are unable to get rid of your gum, suggests that you are experiencing some indecision, powerlessness or frustration. You may lack understanding in a situation or find that a current problem is overwhelming.http://www.hyperdictionary.com/dream/gum

Waxing my Eyebrows at 2 a.m.

I see a lot of people are posting a year in review.  I have decided not to do that as it was hard enough to write the first time.  Though I am glad I have it all written down. Death, like birth is a holy and precious time.  One day I will look back and read my words.  Or maybe not.  


So...here is some exciting news!  I applied for a permanent position at my new job and I got it.  Even though I am the lowest on the seniority list of 200 people I got the permanent position  because they were impressed with my interview and experience.  The interviewer said I "nailed it in the interview".  It will be working 3 nights a week with people needing to be hospitalized on put into extended care when a hospital bed is not available.  It will also be caring for people who have had to leave the hospital early because the hospital needs the bed.  I am so stoked about this.  It is excellent pay.  For the first time in my adult life I will not be living below the poverty line.  I will get benefits too, oh yes I will.  I have worked so long and many crappy jobs to get this and I am so glad.


I had a nice Christmas. It was quiet and peaceful.  I loved on my new niece. She is sitting up now and then tips over.  So cute. 


I got a cold for Christmas.  And a Sony Reader. I can't really figure out how it works yet but I did download one book.  
So, now it is Boxing day.  I am sitting wrapped in my mom's pink fuzzy robe.  I will going to bed soon. I hope you all had a nice Christmas full of love, family and friends.  

I am a Canadian Abomination

I hate winter.

I hate the cold.  I hate snow.  I hate ice.  I hate black ice.  I hate frost; including hoarfrosts.  I hate snowstorms. I hate blizzards.  I hate flurries. I hate freezing rain.  I hate sleet.  I hate hail.  I hate skating. I hate curling.  I hate skiing.  I hate snowboarding.  I hate sledding. I hate hockey.  I hate icicles. I hate being chilly. I hate goose bumps. I hate shivering. I hate 8-hour days. I hate a cold nose. I hate cold toes. I hate cold ears.  I hate warming up my car.  I hate fogged up car windows.  I hate gloves. I hate winter coats. I hate touques.  I hate scarves. I hate colds (I am fighting one) and flus.  I hate Christmas songs that talk about snow.  ("Let it Snow"?  Fuck you, I have to drive in the shit while you sit on your fat ass drinking hot chocolate.)  I hate falling on ice.  I hate walking in the snow.  (OK, I like the crunchy sound.)  I hate cleaning snow off my car.  I hate shovelling snow.  I hate scraping my windshield.  I hate driving on icy roads. I hate chapped lips.  I hate having to blow my nose every 10 seconds. I hate dry, cracked hands.  I hate cold hands.  I hate snowballs.  I hate igloos.  I hate slush. I hate dirty snow.  I hate snowmen.  I hate all snow people. I hate snow animals.  I hate snow flakes. I hate making snow angels. (I can't get up again without ruining it.)  I hate sweaters made of wool.  I hate "snow days".  I hate being tired because there is no light.  I hate the wind blowing in my face.  I hate the Winter Olympics (so lame.)  I hate unplowed roads.  I hate salted roads. I hate treacherous roads  I hate getting my car stuck in the snow.  I hate looking at snow.  I hate being in the snow.  I hate pictures of snow.  I would have hated the Cold war. I hate cold fronts.  I have cold snaps.  I hate snow burns. I hate wind burns.  I hate that my glasses fog.  I hate snow tires.  I hate the sun reflecting off the snow. I hate leg warmers.  I hate ear muffs. 

There.  I feel better. Happy First Day of Winter, folks.  Meh. 

I have become a blogging anomaly.  The whole point of blogging is to actually blog but I am not blogging at all.  I have lots of thoughts in my head but have no time to think about wirting them down.
I have been working more than I want to.  I started at 8:30 this morning and finished at 9:00 this evening.  I did have a 3 hour gap (does anyone like split-shifts) which was filled with appointments and doing things that women do.  The good news is I am going to have a nice cheque coming to me but I have never been one driven by money so I am not overly excited about that.  The bad news is I am really, really tired.  I am just going all the time.  I don't really have time to eat and I am losing weight.  Nice to lose weight but a really bad and unhealthy way to do it.
I miss my mom every second of the day.   I think about her at least every hour.  She speaks to me through music.  You know what?   I feel closer to her now than I did when she was alive.  It is strange.  I was very close to my mom when she was here on earth but now I feel this connectedness.  I can't explain it in words.  
There are lots of other things going on.  Here is a recap.

• I finished my Christmas shopping tonight.
• We had a deer sleep in our yard today which was lovely but now I am wondering if there is any point to planting vegetables next year.
• My brother continues to be a twit.  He doesn't work.  He was supposed to pick my dad up tonight at the ferry tonight but he wasn't in the mood so he asked me to do it.  He said he couldn't drive that far because he needs new tires for his truck.  But, apparently his truck works well enough to go to a Christmas party. Twit.   

e reader

Does anyone have an e reader?  I am thinking of getting one but I have no idea where to start.  What brand would you recommend and why?  Thanks!

Judy Garland - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

I had never heard this version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" until this weekend.  It is so beautiful.  I think my mom wanted me to hear them.  I send it on to all of you that are missing someone this Christmas.  Do you like these lyrics better or less? 


Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were near to us
Will be dear to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now




(And Judy Garland is the last word on a perfect voice. Maybe Karen Carpenter as well.) 

Dido - See The Sun

Ah, my lovelies. I am still here.  I have been working like mad.  It is good but I am so tired.  I am working in Community Health which means I am working nights and driving around in the dark trying to find addresses.  Please people, go right now and buy proper house numbers for your house and make them clearly visible.  Not only is important for you but your neighbours as well.
Today has been a bad day.  I had a dream about my mom and she was really sick.  She said she wanted to die because knew how hard it was on my dad.  It was not a nice peaceful dream where she was ready to go.  It was just desperately sad.  I am still sad thinking about it.  My mom was not ready to die.  She died because she had no choice.
I went to grief counselling yesterday.  I told my grief counsellor the only way I can remember my mom right now is in the hospital and dying.  I can't get the images out of my mind.  My mom was so beautiful and she wasted away to nothing.  Cancer stole everything from her in the end.  My cousellor tells me I need to keep telling my story again and again until I can chip away at it and make it a manageable load to carry.  
I miss my mom.  

Fleetwood Mac - Songbird

Missing my mom today. I was so busy all week with my new job. Ironically, we spoke on Palliative care and discussed pain management for the dying. I had to look down a few times to compose myself. It is all so new.

You know what though? Through all of this I know more than ever I want to become a Palliative nurse.  I want to give end of life care. I want to care for people when they are scared and feeling alone, even if it is something simple as sitting with them and stroking their hair or even sitting in silence. Sitting when there really are no words and love is so much bigger than fear and emotional pain.
I know when I was really small that I felt a calling on my life and I new I was going to be doing something different in a caring capacity. I did not know what it was for a very long time and I asked God a lot of questions about where I was to be. For many years I have been hearing that I had to wait and I didn't know why. I know now. Before my mom got really sick I knew I wanted to work with people in the last stages of living but it eluded me. When my mom died it did not drive me away from being with the dying but it called me closer. I have known for a long time that I wanted to work with the dying but now I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. And so, the first blessing appears with regards to my mom dying.

I was still wondering how it was all going to come together. This week my nurse leader told us about a new program that was being adapted specifically for palliative clients and we were to come and speak to her if we were interested. Sometimes the earth shifts so loudly and it did for me at that moment. I know this is what I am going to be doing. Not right now as my own pain is so raw and fresh but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for 40 years to figure out what I was going to do when I grew up and now what is going to happen. And I feel so glad. And I feel grateful. And I feel my mom close and know she is orchestrating this.

Christmas is coming fast and I am not so scared now. There will just be 10 of us for dinner instead of the regular chaos of 25. My mom won't be here, but she will. She will. I do wish sometimes I had a river I could skate away on and yet, I have my family. My daddy. My brother. My sister. My kids. My love. My 2 beautiful nieces; one of them who is having her first Christmas, and of course my brother-in law. It hurts so much still but it is good. It is.