Because I Can't Sleep...

It is the blogger thing to write crap about yourself that other people may or may not read.  It is supposed to be interesting and shit but frankly, I am just a woman from Canada that drinks far too much skim milk and swears too much. So without further ado here is 100 things about me. 


(Ha ha!  I started this list a couple months back and have been working on it as I think of things.  I guess I hit "post".  Now I need to finish it.  I am up to # 80 now.) My list is now complete!


100.  I have never actually said the words "without further ado" before.
99.   I really do drink an inordinate amount of skim milk.
98.   My cat ripped of the "T" off my keyboard.  It would be better if it was a Q or Z.  He did it on purpose because he is an evil mastermind. 
97.   I am a product of a divorced family and I am better for it.
96.  My (step) dad is my hero!
95.   I have one brother and one (step) sister.
94.   We don't use the word step in our family.
93.   I used to attend church about 6 times a week but I no longer go.
92.   I hate church.
91.  I consider myself a Quaker and I worship at home.
90.  I am a Liberal Quaker.  
89.  I wear plain clothing out of a personal belief not a religious or spiritual belief.
88.  As with most Quakers, I am indeed a pacifist. 
87.  I am open to a lot of other beliefs and I believe that everyone finds different ways to God.
86.  I love talking about spirituality and you will be able to read a lot more on my blog but that is enough for now!
85.  I have 2 kids, a son  and a daughter, both teenagers.
84.  Everyone has told me to "just wait until they are teenagers" but I am still waiting for the terribleness to begin.  I have great kids!
83. I am engaged to a fabulous man. We have been together 4 years. 
82. We met online. (Plenty of Fish)
81. We just bought a house together.
80.  I have a cat named Norbert.  Now that I am in new home I also have a cat named named ...  He is an old cat and very loving. 
79.  And a fish named Gilligan. (He is dead now.) 
78. I am an "I Love Lucy" fan and own every season on DVD including 7, 8 & 9 which I think are the funniest sitcoms ever written.
77.  Reiki has changed my life.
76.  Oh, geez. Why didn't I think of this one sooner.  I read.  A LOT.  It is my vice. 
75.  I had my Fallopian tubes removed (not tied)  in January because of this article about Ovarian cancer. 
74.  I love vinegar.  When I was little I drank vinegar packages. 
73.  I love chicken wings.  Buffalo! 
72.  I blow my nose a lot. 
71.  I have a special pillow that I must have to sleep.  Everything else hurts my neck. 
70.  I believe my grandmothers from way back are my guardian angels.  I feel them and talk to them and I feel their love.  Their presence gives me strength.
69.  I was named after my great grandmother.
68.  My mom is my cornerstone.  I am afraid when she dies my foundation will crumble.  
67.  I do not have a favourite colour.  All of them are my favourite.  They can change.  Right now it is orange but in five minutes or five days from now it might be green, yellow, pink or purple.  Never red or blue.
66.  I only have one living grandparent. I yearn for the ones that have died. 
65.  I am clinically depressed and have been since I was small, around 3.  And I have anxiety.  The anxiety causes the depression. Some mornings my anxiety is so bad I can barely get out of bed without feeling impending dread and doom.  Some days it is so bad I call in sick to work and lie and say I am sick. 
64.  I have friends since kindergarten. That is over 35 years.  They are part of my heart and my soul.  *getting teary writing this one*  Even though we all have very busy lives we still manage to stay in touch and get together every so often.  They are a life force behind me.
63.  My favourite flower is a sweat pea. My nana used to grow them by the thousands and give them away wrapped in paper towel.  I was going to grow some to plant in my yard.  Remember this post?  Well Norbert bit off the heads of the new shoots.  
62.  I can get myself ready very, very fast. Very fast. 
63. I am Highly Sensitive.  It is hard living in this body of mine but I would not give up being this sensitive for anything.
64.   I despise socks.  One Christmas I was at a nice dinner and I had to take my socks off under he table.  Nobody knew but it almost brought tears of relief.  
65. I sleep very late on Sundays.  
66. I cry a lot.
67.  People have told me I should do stand-up comedy.
68. I am not good with house plants.  I have killed every plant I have ever owned.  Right now I have a cactus.  I think it is dead.
69. I love seafood!  
70. I do not watch the news.  I get very upset and it causes me more anxiety than I can deal with.
71. Regrading # 70.  I hate ending a sentence with a preposition. 
72.  I name trees. (My yard has a Moses, Brianna and Blu) 
73. I love Sudoku! 
74. I have a learning disability with numbers.
75. I believe in Santa, fairies, elves and wood nymphs. 
76. We are getting chickens next year!  Yay!
77. My biological father was very abusive.  He used to hang me over the ferry and bridges. 
78. I have forgiven him.  I love him because he needs my love not the other way around.
79. When I was growing up we had a black Poodle named Alex.  He had so much energy we would take him for a walk while we drove in the truck and he ran beside it. My god it was funny.  
80. I recycle everything.  My community has an excellent recycling program. The only thing they don't take is those thick plastic clear bags that bedding comes in. 
81. I call my books my "babies" and consider them my friends.
82. I buy whole wheat pasta.  
83. I hate bananas.  They make me gag.
84. My fiance and I make the best stuffing for turkey!
85. My favourite holiday is Thanksgiving.  All the family and food of Christmas but none of the stress.
86. I love spiders and snakes. 
87. I am wondering if I am repeating myself while writing this list.
88. My family has been living in the same city for 157 years.  
89. I am a recovering hoarder.  At one time I think I could have made the "Hoarders" show.  In fact, I know I could have.  I no longer hoard.  It is only a small problem for me now.
90. I do seem to have a difficult time getting rid of books.  
91. My favourite teacher was a lady named Ms. Epp.  She was my grade 3 teacher.  She changed my life and I have tried to track her down to thank her but I have not been able to find her. 
92. People tell me I am too sensitive.  I think they are not sensitive enough.
93. I have a Snoopy and Woodstock tattoo on my left ankle.
94. I consider myself a Socialist.  I believe in Communal living. 
95. I am an advocate for marijuana though I don't use it myself. 
96. A friend and I were nearly abducted by three men when we were 14 years old.  We were on a desolate part of a walk home from school. It was smart and quick thinking on my part that we didn't. 
97. I hate competitive sports.  
98. The toaster scares me when it pops up so I have to go to another room.
99. I ran away from home when I was seven and got as far as the front of the house.  I came home because my brother came out and said Mom was going to make strawberry Quik. 
100.  I am a very strong woman.  Yes, I am. 

More Sardines

It has been one week since I posted and ironically I am sitting here eating more sardines.  This time they are with mustard. Now here is the thing.  If you look at the comments all the sardine lovers are from the Eastern hemisphere.  All the others are from the Western Hemisphere.  Since everyone in the east loves them it tells me that we in the west are doing something very wrong with them.  So Eastern hemisphere friends, tell us all about them.  Where/how do you buy them?  How do you cook them?  Serve with?  

Sardines

So,  about my eyes being those of a 90 year old.  I went to the optometrist last week and besides being told that my lenses were in upside down I was also told my eye health was terrible.  I know I don't eat well.  Up until now I have not been able to eat well.  Poverty and eating well is difficult sometimes. I eat very little meat.  Anyway, the doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I need to eat way more oil from fish, specifically sardines.  *Sardines*  xxSardinesxx.  ~Sardines~
I hate sardines.  They are small and slimy and and very fishy smelling.  But I am going to eat them anyway.  I have a bowl beside me of sardines spiced with jalapeno on sesame melba toast. I mixed it them with fat free cream cheese.  And you know what?  They are not that bad.  Not good like a bag of salt n'vinegar chips but not bad. 

He is Home! Yay!

Thanks for all your positive Reiki energy.  Norbert is HOME!  I kept the slider open for him.  I was sitting on the couch and heard his beautiful meow.  I hugged him hard and kissed him.  Then he got pissed of and ran away.  Ahhh.  Life with Norbert is as it should be. :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Norbert, aka the Evil One, the Ungrateful Bastard, Nice Kitty ran away. He is an inside cat and does not know how to live outside.  I love him so much. Please send all your love and good Reiki energy so he will come home. 

Screwed Up and Broken

(I have no idea why this post broke off halfway.) 
I am falling apart.  I went to the eye doctor today and the good news is I have the eyes of a 90 year old!  Yes, that is what the Optometrist said.  A 90 year old. Hmmm.  She gave me  an Rx for super concentrated fish oils. The bad news?  The glassses I have been wearing for almost three years are all wrong.  How wrong?  The place where I went to get my glasses put the lenses in upside down.  Yes friends, the lenses are perfect but they were put in upside down.  Do you think that may be the reason my eyes are always tired.  Do you think that is the reason I need to sleep so much?  Maybe it is because I have not been seeing properly for three years. *sigh*
The other great news is several weeks back I went to the Podiatrist because of a constant pain in my left foot and ankle.  He took X-rays and nothing.  He sent me for a CT-Scan and I have an  unhealed chip fractures just above my ankle.  It is not considered emergency surgery and I have to wait a year just to get to see the surgeon.  Then, I get to wait another 2 years to have the surgery. (Oh Canada!) 
I don't know how or when I fractured my ankle but I am very clumsy and I wonder if it is because of my crappy glasses? 
Not much else new.  My fiance has been pissed off at me for a couple of days now.  I am now just staying out of his way.   My daughter's new bedroom all set up.  It is GREEN. I will take a picture when I find my camera.  It is similar to the green grass on this blog!  It actually looks pretty good.  If you are ever going to let your kids choose their own paint, beware!
I am feeling sad today so I think I am going to go have a nap. 

I am falling apart.  I went to the eye doctor today and the good news is I have the eyes of a 90 year old.  Yes, that is what the Optometrist said.  A 90 year old. Hmmm.  The bad news?  The glassses I have been wearing for almost three years are all wrong.  How wrong?  The place where I went to get my glasses put the lenses in upside down.  Yes friends, the lenses are perfect but they were put in upside down.  Do you think that may be the reason my eyes are always tired.  Do you think that is the reason I need to sleep so much?  Maybe it is because I have not been seeing properly for three years. *sigh*

My New Home!

I am sitting here posting as I usually do, on my bed.  Bare feet (because I hate socks) and leaning against some pillows.  What has changed is I am now finally in my new home.  I am looking out the window and it is pouring rain.  It is so quiet I can hear wind and the rain making their magical sounds.  A boy just rode by on his bike;  I could hear the swish of rain underneath his tires and the gentle hum when he peddles.  It is so quiet. 
My condo is now empty of all my earthly possessions.  I left the keys on the mantle and locked the door for the last time.  A relief.  Back at my condo trains go by. Cars, trucks and 18-wheeler trucks speed by 24 hours a day.  The condo is on the main highway through town and is the road used by ambulances, fire trucks and police cars.  Drunks walk by in the night screaming and bellowing and making me sensitive spirit tense.  But all that is done now. I have wanted few material things in life and a quiet house was one of them.  I have been waiting for over 20 years and now I have it.  I have my place of solitude and quiet.  
So now, I am going to sit and listen to the rain.  

A Post to Make You Feel Better About Your Own Life!

Imbigggen the picture and snoop away!

I spoke with my mom's palliative nurse yesterday and she thinks my mom is doing OK. It is the 3 month mark of the "you have 2 - 3 months left" in a few days so she is going to go past what is expected. Except there is this scale called the Palliative Performance Scale.   My mom is at 50%. Hell, I am at about 80% but without the disease part. *insert laugh track here*  Anyway, 50% is good.  Well it is not good but it is not bad either.  No, it is bad.  I don't fucking know.  


I am in the middle of packing.  That is one of the most hateful jobs.  I have a junk drawer in my kitchen and I asked my daughter to clean out the drawer.  The above picture is what she did. It is like a damn I Spy book.  


Everything is a disaster.  Here...look! 

Kitchen.  There will be no love lost with these cabinets. Rose?  Did I actually choose that? 

Crap that needs to be recycled.  The Ungrateful Bastard (see right sidebar)  needs to be fed.  

Crap and a Pogo stick!

Seriously!  I don`t even know why I am posting this one.  

And here is the Coup de grâce. Me!  Look at those eyebrows!  Caterpillars envy me!  The hair!  WTF?  I will say I don't go out into the world looking like this.  My face is so broken out.  Acne and wrinkles.  Thanks a fucking lot.

Now you can go about your life and be ever so grateful that things are not like they are at my place. 


Damn, I just took another look at my picture and DAMN! blagh

The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Known

I send this to my fiance. The reason I can get up each morning is because of you. I have sent you this song many times over the years but if never fails to express how I feel about you.

~~Blogger friends, what song makes you think of your partner?   If you don't have a partner, what song reminds you of what you are hoping to find?~~

When I see you
In the morning
That old sleep
Still in your eyes
I remember
All the laughter
And the tears
We shared last night
And as we lie here
Just two shadows
In the light
Before the dawn
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you

And I have never
Been afraid of losing
And I have never
Wanted love
To be a chain.
I only know that
When I'm with you
You're my sunshine
You're my rain
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you


Now you and I
We're not children
We have both
Been loved before
We have given
And we have taken
Many rides
On troubled shores
And all the heartaches
and temptations
only make me
Love you more
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you

And I have never
Been afraid of losing
And I have never
Wanted love
To be a chain
I only know that
When I'm with you
You're my sunshine
You're my rain
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you
The sweetest thing.
I've ever known
Is loving you

Beware the Ides of March!

Is anyone else tired all the time? Not most of the time but ALL the time.  This is not new.  I have been tired for years now.  I have had every blood test known to man and according to my blood work I am healthy.  It varies but I need a nap almost every day.  I go from feeling OK then start feeling tired.  Withing an hour I can barely function.  I do things and completely forget what I have done.  I drive and forget driving home.  I con't concentrate.  This fatigue has a great effect (or is it affect?) on my life.  For years I have dismissed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I have never been a believer because I like evidence and there is still no evidence that it even exists. And yet, I have been tired for so long that there must be something going on or not working. 
And since I am on a complaining rant I want to know why my damn cat keeps biting my toes.  Furthermore, why does he totally miss the litter box when he craps?  Speak of the devil himself, here he comes.  
And since I am complaining I hate the heat.  It is too HOT.  And it is muggy.  And it makes me crabby.  
We are almost finished packing and official move-out time is the Friday at noon.  I just paid my final strata fee and damn that felt good!  That will be an extra $320 a month that I don't have to pay. What a rip-off that has been. I warn you all like the Soothsayer in Julius Caesar. "Do not buy strata!"  It will suck you dry.  Strata committees spend money like Diamond Jim Brady.   Last year there was a huge argument at the yearly meeting because the strata council wanted to spend over a MILLION dollars on new pipes.  People were very angry and the strata council was angry.  It ended up being voted down.  The new strata council investigated and it turned out there wasn't even a need for new pipes. The building is only 16 years old.  So yes, don't buy strata or you may rue the day. 
Oh yes.  I need to get a haircut because this is what I look like right now except my hair is brown and my nose is regular color.

A Rainbow!

Well, I am feeling a little better than yesterday.  I saw the rainbow girl (my niece) today,  and oh how she brings colour into my life!  I don't know whoever said that newborns don't smile but she smiled at me twice.  I think it is an old wives tale that it is just gas.  She knows she is loved, loved, loved and she can feel it and it makes her glad. Babies don't smile...pssshaaaw! 
I spent an hour looking at her tiny fingers and kissing her toes.  I kissed the swirl on her soft downy head about 50 times.  I told her that she was very special and I had been waiting for her for a very long time.  Oh friends, she is so beautiful.  And I just don't mean the physical sense (she is).  She is just a beautiful piece of heaven.  She is more precious than life itself.  I miss her when I don't see her for a few days.  I am so glad that she is my niece.  


In other news, my other niece (her sister) has been invited for a sleep-over with my daughter, her idol.  Niece # 1 is quite outgoing.  She is  my fairy child niece.  She likes to explore and is often off in her own world.  She is a precious little girl.  


Renovations are coming along on the house but oh how I ache.  My love has been putting in long hours from sun-up to sundown.  I can't wait because we are finally going to be together.  He is the other half of me.  I need him like I need air.  Nobody knows me like he does and he always know what to say.  I love him.  So much. 

I'm Not an Artist...

I am not an artist but I do like to draw stuff every so often.  Sometimes after I wake up I will see a picture in my head and attempt to draw it.  I came home this afternoon after loading a bin of demolition crap.  I was so tired when I got home I fell into a restless sleep.  I don't remember having dreams about my mom but I must have because when I woke up I felt overwhelmed with sadness.  I saw this picture in my head.  It is me and the colour  is draining out of me; out of my life.  I have so much to be glad about, I do and I am grateful but there is a box in the corner of my spirit that has "My Mom is Dying" on it.  I do not have to look in the box for the most part but there are times when it forces itself directly in front of me and I have to examine the contents.  So I do.  When I open it a vacuum sucks all the colour from me.  I feel myself turning grey.  I try to shut the box but it stays open.  We are told we need to deal with our demons.  Aren't I supposed to open the box and deal with the fear inside?  If I do it is going to kill a part of me.  It is going to win.  I need to be honest and admit that life will not be the same ever again after my mom dies.  The grief will never go away.  I will never stop missing her.  That is the vacuum that is inside the box.  It is taking a part of me.  And it can't be stopped.

An Admission

Here is it dear reader.  My admission.  I hate blood.  Well, I like that it is inside our bodies and keeps us alive.  However, if it is anywhere other than inside our bodies I become sick to my stomach and have to sit down so I don't faint.  I gave blood once about 20 years ago and it had not done it since.  I would rather have a root canal.  


When my mom was diagnosed and started talking about the blood transfusions she was receiving. Something inside of me whispered.  "It would probably be a good idea to give, B@rbara."   So I did.  I was so scared and the only reason I stayed at the clinic was because my daughter was with me and I needed to set an example.  I told her I was scared but people need blood transfusions or they will die. Of course that day one of the donors fainted and it scared me even more. However, I did donate that day and went a second time.  Someone fainted that time too.  I was somewhat relieved when I had surgery in January and was not able to donate for the next six months.  That brings me to today.  I got the dreaded call last week.  I wanted to say no.  I still hate it.  It scares me. I am having a panic attack if that gives you any idea.  


At 4:10 PST I will be on a table with a nail   needle in my arm and one pint will be taken.  I don't want to.  I really don't.  But I will.  Because it is a simple procedure that most people can do.  Besides, you get cookies afterwards! While I am on the topic I encourage everyone to also consider organ donation because you can't take them with you.  You can also be a bone marrow donor.  

PS-  I want to thank all of you for your comments over the last several weeks.  Often you say that you don't know what to say but just the fact that all of you are out there and you care about me and my family warms the cold parts of my soul.  Support is everything.  I could not get by without it.  I love all your comments and I love all of you for taking the time to write them.  You all rock! 

Ugly Wood Paneling

What a crazy week it has been.  There is so much work to be done to our new home.  We have all been working very so hard, even my kids.  My last official day in my condo is July15 so I have been running back and forth between both locations.  As promised here are some pictures!

The front.  If you look out our front window you can see a Provincial park. 

Living Room.  I love the bay window. Fireplace is gas.  Only one house across the street and the owner is baker of delicious cookies.  She brought us a batch to welcome us to he neighborhood. 

Dining Room.  Curtains need to go but I love the real wood floor. It is all throughout the upstairs and we have plans to take out the carpet so we can see this gorgeous wood.

Master bedroom.  Yes, the wallpaper is going!

Half the backyard.  Actually it is about 1/4 of the backyard.  There is a lot of space behind all the shrubs right in front of this picture.  This will eventually be converted to a vegetable garden and a home for chickens!

Hanging the flag!

(Belated) Happy Canada Day!

Renovations downstairs. 

My boy demolishing stuff!

Renovation junk.  The pile is twice this size now. 

Who invented fake wood paneling?  Was it the same person who invented high heeled shoes?  What a nincompoop.  I actually think the curtains are kind of funky in a 60's kind of way but they are old and smelly. This room is going to be gutted and turned into a basement suite.  

And this is the piece I ripped off the wall and caused a small flood.  But I did fix it! 

So there you go!  Lots of work to be done but I LOVE our new home.  I am over the moon happy. There have been a few times when the tears have come and I wonder how I am going to go on when my mom dies but I know she has been almost as excited as I am about this.  Sending love to my American blogging friends.  Happy 4th of July!