My Laptop is Going to Melt

The last few weeks I have been doing crappy posts.  My mind has been somewhat empty.  Or maybe it is just full and I can't organize my thoughts.  I don't know.
My dad is sick with a fever, likely related to all the invasive things that are going on with the prostate cancer.  I have a huge pile of information that be brought for me to read.  He is at a huge disadvantage as he has dyslexia and cannot read so he is not able to make informed decisions regarding treatment.  Again, as with my mom it will fall to me.  Not that I mind. I don't mind one bit but it would be nice if my brother and sister would step up to the plate.  When my mom was sick neither of them did a thing.  But, I am the responsible child and always have been.  If I stepped away neither of them would step in.  Things would just not get done.  How can I leave my dad to make treatment decisions on his own when he can't read?  Oh, well.  I really don't want to sound like I am complaining because I would go to the ends of the earth for my dad.  It would just be nice if his other children would too.  
I have been feeling sick to my stomach for about 3 weeks now.  I am drinking Pepto Bismol (my sister and I used to call it Pepto Shito) and eating toast.  I have no appetite.  No, I am not pregnant. (Horror of horrors!).  Maybe it is just stress.  Or a virus.  I don't know. 
My laptop cooling mat fan is no longer working so I have to cut this short before my laptop melts.  I can't even touch it on some parts it is so hot!

A Post Before Bed

I can't wait for this book to come out! If you love crows make sure you check the link.

 

 

WTF is a Rectocele?

Remember when you got your period for the first time?  Do you remember feeling embarrassed and worrying that someone might find out? You thought that nothing could top the feeling.  Remember your first pap?  Oh, the humanity! I mean come on! The word speculum alone is an atrocious word.  I am here to attest it can get worse.  Much, much worse. 
I saw my gynecologist last week.  (I can't believe I am going to actually tell you all about this.)  I have been having all sorts of fun with the hot flashes, night sweats, wanting to kill someone irritability, and a general feeling of crappy.  But I went to the gynecologist because well, I having been leaking urine.  Pissing myself.  Just small amounts mind you.  Just enough for it to be a bother.  We chat.  I can barely look her in the eye.  I mean it is embarrassing.  Up on the table I get with my piece of paper and hoping I remind her to not use latex on my bits because I will keel over dead right there.  She comes back and does whatever it was she needs to do and she tells me to push and I kid you not...  I peed on her! I. Peed. On. My. Gynecologist.  I have no dignity left.  None.  I gasped my apology and she (being totally awesome) tells me it is a gynecologist's office and it happens everyday.  OK.  OK.  I recover from peeing on her and then she does more "inspecting" and it turns out I have a rectocele.  WTF is a rectocele?  I don't even want to know.  I mean the word "recto" is telling enough.  I am feeling ill at this point. (If you want to know what it is, look it up.  It is too disgusting to talk about.  And I implore you, don't do an image search! gag)  It turns out that when I gave birth to my son the forceps did a number on me.  That and the episotomy and tearing really made a mess of things.  How lovely.  Now I am pissing myself and constipated.  Great. Should I be happy that this is repairable?  All I can think of is how this surgery is going to be done.  I just picture my ass up in the air while the rest of me is covered.  I really can't think on it now.  I thought I had hit the bottom of the barrel having my pap every year.  It turns out it can get worse.  Much worse.
So there you have it.  There is nothing more that I can share with you.  It can't get any worse.  

Maybe This is all Fiction...

OK, I don't have a crappy life.  I have two awesome teenagers that are so freaking amazing and never give me a moment of trouble.  (With the exception of my daughter's eye-rolling/sighing that started when she turned 13.)  At this moment my fiancé and I don't want to kill each other.  I also finally have a job that I love that pays well after not being able to afford food for many years. I have a beautiful home.  And a garden!  Deer walk through my front yard every evening. 
Yes, my mom died and cruel excruciating death.  It still hurts to breathe when I think about it.  I miss her every second.  Some days I think maybe this is just a bad dream and I am going to wake up and (yay!) my mom will be back sitting in her chair phoning me (for the 5th time that day) to tell me some inane bit of information about what is on TV or a recipe she saw on Rachel Ray.  (Oh, god I miss her.  Dear god, it hurts in a place that I did not know existed.  Kind of like when you have a baby and all of a sudden you have a love that you never knew was possible but this is the opposite.) Anyway...
Today my dad called and I get more news.  I sit like the proverbial deer in the headlights.  I already mentioned the possibility here.  It turns out my dad does have Prostate cancer.  And of course I think all the positive thoughts.  Low mortality rate. Highly treatable.  I heard all the same things when my mom was diagnosed.  But fuck.  I can't do this again.  But I do know that ovarian cancer is much more crappier that prostate cancer.  But seriously.  Fuck. 


PS- When I was looking up a suitable picture with the word "fuck" I found this picture and thought it was funny. 

Ah, my blog is being neglected.  I worked 48 hours in 4 days last week and 42 hours this week.  I am so tired!  I have also been out in my garden getting it ready for planting.  First it needed to be dug up from 6 years of overgrowth from the previous owner.  Then bags and bags of manure and compost.  It is nice soil though.  Lots of worms, spiders and bugs.  A few snails but I relocate them.  I also have my green house going now with all sorts of yummy treats.  I am looking forward to start planting everything.


I am doing OK otherwise.  The last couple of weeks I have been missing my mom.  It was her birthday and then Mother's day.  I have also been feeling a lot of guilt surrounding her last couple of weeks on earth.  I feel guilty for wanting her gone.  I also feel guilty for not relieving her from her suffering.  I can't remember if I blogged about all that went on in that time but she has three ports in each arm and two in each leg for all the different medication.  She had a colostomy bag because her bowel was blocked.  In the last week she had a tube down her throat to pump out bile because there was a tumour blocking her stomach as well.  I remember holding a bag for her to vomit in before the tube was put down her throat and trying not to throw up myself.  And I remember wanting her to die because she had nothing left. She couldn't even respond to us.  She weighed about 80 pounds. I feel guilty for wanting her to die and guilt that I could not assist her to die sooner. I really hope that one day Canada will change its laws so people who are at the point of no return and their family can make decisions that we give to our pets.  
  
I went to see "Noises Off" at our local live theatre yesterday.  It was so funny!  I want to see it again.  It was such a fast-paced play I know I missed things.
  
That is about it right now.  I am going to go try to catch up on your blogs. 

It is that time of the year where Spring has finally arrived in my city.  I have been in my garden everyday.  We don't get a lot of great weather here so I am going to take a blogging break and go outside and enjoy it.  I will try to stop in and read your blogs when I can.  


(30 minutes later... I am now back inside and it is pouring rain and hail.  Ha!  Oh well, I am still going to take a break.  I guess I will go clean the bedroom and bathroom. ) 

This Stirs Me!

"I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."

Obama's Approval Rating Down

 Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich. 

Lovely Trees

The trees in my yard.  Click to imbiggen. 

Nap

I am going to go have a nap simply because I can.