I had some thoughts over the last few days. One of them is how ill-equipped I am to deal with life. I was born into an alcoholic home and learned to keep quiet, to not make waves and never ever make the alcoholic mad. It was a lesson of walking on eggshells. It didn't matter what my personality was, I just learned that it was wrong and it made the alcoholic angry. So, I suppressed it. While growing up, long after the alcoholic left I kept doing what I had been doing. Pleasing. Keeping quiet. Don't make people angry. It was all I knew. You would think after 42 years that I would have learned to cope better and in some ways I have. You can't go 42 years and not learn at least something. But there are definitely some traits that are just as strong today as they were when I was a 3 year old girl. Don't make people mad. Go out of your way to please. Never, ever give up trying to please, even if it makes you sick. And fear. Fear has followed me my whole life. My first memories, even before I had words were that of fear, terror really. Terror upon terror. Add all those traits together and you get me. Depressed. Anxious (always anxious) and full of fear. Throw in any amount of dysfunction and I lose it. I just do not have the tools that emotionally stable people have. If I get into a situation where there is a lot of stress and anger I become the woman I hate. She screams and yells and interrupts. She panics. Oh, god does she panic. My coping tools are busted and are of no use. 

That brings me to now. I need to go and find out coping mechanisms that will serve me better. But it is not easy. My personality traits are woven into the tapestry that makes me. The highly sensitive pleaser makes me awesome in my job. In the case of my job it is not so much that I want to please but to make the people I care for to be in the best place they can in their last stages of living. It brings me joy to know I made a difference in someones life while they were coming to the end.

But that desire to make someone comfortable doesn't really serve me in my everyday life. And yet, that is all I want. I want everyone to be happy. And so it goes, all the way back the that 3-year old child.

I am told that there is no fast way out of this. It will be a lifetime learning, a practice. I need to accept that it is OK to screw up. It is not OK to scream and yell and interrupt but I am human and those are the defects of character I have taken on. I will always have to be aware of them and work at doing things differently. (At this point I have no idea what that looks like.)

Going to Al Anon helps. So far I have cried at every meeting. When I am around others who are just like me I can see the sun peeking out just a little bit. That sun is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Maybe it wont but it is Progress not Perfection. I am making progress. I am.

And... I am having a giveaway to celebrate blogging for 10 years!  Yes, 10 years! I have had different blogs that fit with that time of my life but my first post was February 6, 2004. For the giveaway I want to keep it to people who actually read my blog and we have interacted some way. So let me know if you want to enter. What I am giving away is a surprise but it is a book that I just love and makes me happy whenever I read it. And right now I can say I wish I could send something to all of you lovelies. Draw will be on February 6th in the morning. 

I knew when I started peeing every 45 seconds that something was amiss. Now I have a damn urinary tract infection. harrumpf

Today has been so busy. Running around to appointments and just doing stuff that make up a life. Tomorrow is clear of all obligations. That is good.

Today I picked up a DVD at the library that will supposedly teach me how to crochet. I found some crochet stuff in some of my mom's old stuff so I thought I would give it a try (again). I tried crocheting last year and could not figure out how to get past the first row. Incidentally, my mom never crocheted so it is a mystery what she was up to with the supplies. Likely hoping to learn. 

Last night we went to my dad's for his 65th birthday. It was just a small party with his kids and partners and grandkids. Before we left I was having an awful panic attack and feeling generally unwell. (Hence, the UTI.) I did manage to go but didn't have as much fun as I normally would have. It doesn't help when you have to use the toilet 10 times an hour. 

Tonight I have a counseling appointment. They are usually during the day but this was the only space available. All I really want to do is get into my pyjamas. 

And that is it. That is my day. 

You know how you can be going along, dragging yourself if need be. Then all of a sudden you fall back about 28 steps. That was my last two days. I am depressed, tired, overwhelmed and anxious.I was getting ready to go back to work and then I found out I have to sit in front of a board and explain why I think I should be able to go back to work. Isn't a note from my physician enough? Just thinking about this damn meeting has put me in a tailspin. 

Then this afternoon my car battery died. I asked three different people for a jump (I carry cables) and they none of them would do it! WTF? I have never refused anyone a jump before. It is just one of those things you do for people. It takes a couple of minutes. Anyway, I had to call a tow truck and the tow truck guy came out and jumped my car. $42.00 later. I would like to know where I was when the memo was handed out that humans are no longer giving each other a jump when their car battery dies.

And there are all these other things going on and I just feel horrible and sad. Not sad. Depressed. Like all the work has been for nothing. The last two months I have done every single thing that was suggested for me to do and then some. Though I no longer want to die I am not feeling any happiness or joy. It feels like I am just waiting around to decided what to do next. Live or die. 

I am just so tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I don't just feel it, I know it. I don't process life like other people do. Everybody is figuring out things better and faster than I am. People seem to be happy. Most days are a struggle for me. I don't remember the last time I was really happy. My kids bring me tremendous joy but I am talking about being happy. I fucking hate feeling depressed and anxious. I can say from the bottom of my heart that I am doing everything I can to not play the victim here. I really don't want to feel this way. If I want attention I have other better ways of getting it. In fact, I want so little attention that nobody outside my family knows what is going on with the exception of my doctor and counselor. I don't even share everything with my husband. I am nothing more than a millstone around his neck. Even on my blog I don't say half of what I feel. The last thing I want is attention or for people to feel sorry for me. 

Many of you are asking about why you can no longer get to the 'older' posts section of my blog. I have actually just turned the feature off. With all the things that have gone on with me during the last two months I was concerned that someone in my non-blog life would find my blog. Because the things that have gone on are extremely personal I just want to keep my life to one post. For those of you that keep up with my blog, you know what has gone on. For those that haven't, I don't have it in me to re-visit it. Not right now anyway. The last two months have been the worst months of my life and I have had to do everything in my power to make it through. I think if anyone really wanted to know what was going on they could look it up through their blog feed. Yes, it would take a while but it is there. And for those of you that have been with me the last two months, I thank you from the bottom of my depressed and anxious heart!

My dad turns 65 tomorrow. (He is actually my step-dad.) I clearly remember the day he showed up to take my mom on their first date. He was so handsome in his brown three-piece suit! He had long black hair and a beard. I would learn later that women would swoon over him. Instead of knocking on the door and introducing himself to my mom, he got on my brother's skateboard and was riding it down the driveway and up a ramp! ha! How can he be 65? At any rate he is still the man riding the skateboard.

Today was a sucky anxiety day. I am working on a gradual return to work and my employer is making me feel like a damn criminal. I have to sit in front of a board and tell them why I think I am ready to come back. Welcome full force, stigma of depression! This would never happen if I was recovering from any other illness. I could understand this if I was a danger to others but that is not the case. I am frustrated because my employers is big on saying that want to get rid of the stigma but it is all talk. That said, I do understand that there should be concerns but my doctor's note should be sufficient.

And as my mom would say...Anyway, that is all. Time for bed!

My husband likes to watch the City Council meetings on T.V. I freaking hate it. It's a damn old boys club. And they are men who like to hear themselves talk. And talk and talk and talk. Did any of them ever hear of inflecting tone into their voices? Evidently not because it is straight monotone.

Anyway.. my mom used to use that word a lot. Anyway. She could talk the hind leg off a mule and could easily move from one subject to another by using the word, anyway.

However, anyway I have not done much the last few days. Anxiety is a drag. I did manage to go to Al Anon today and even went out for coffee with someone afterwards. That is a miracle for me. 

Ok, I need to go. I can't handle on more second of the City Council Monotoners. 

Bill W., founder of Alcoholics Anonymous died 43 years ago today. A man most horrible when he was drinking. A man most amazing when he finally stopped. When he finally found recovery he and Dr. Bob started to talk to each other about being drunks and they found that it helped them to stay sober. Since then there have been numerous groups that have used the 12 Steps to aid recovery. Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Co-dependents Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous. And my group. The group that has made me realize my own insanity was not uncommon. Al Anon.

My biological father drinks. A lot. My brother is celebrating 25 years sober. (whooot!) But it has nothing to do with them. It has to do with me and my own shortcomings and defects of character. When you read the story of Lois W. (Bill's wife) you wonder why and how she stayed. She firmly believed that her love for Bill would be enough to stop him from drinking. She stayed with the chaos while he lost jobs and had nowhere to live. She stayed with him through all the crazy things that a drunk brings to their lives and the lives of others. She kept believing that her love would be enough even though he would spend their last dime on alcohol. After Bill stopped drinking she thought she would be happy. She wasn't. She was miserable. Why? Because Lois was just as sick as her husband. Her codependency was her problem. She started talking to the spouses of alcoholics and she in turn found that it helped her to realize she had just as many problems as her husband. Talking to others helped to keep her on track. It helped her deal with her own sickness.

And so it continues today. 

"The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery."

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/home

And yet another day passes. Like beads on a string with no knot at the end.

Today was OK. Just OK. The beginning of the day was an emotionally grey day. Depression and anxiety sat beside me on the couch. Actually, I think they were sitting on my lap. But no matter, I went to see my counselor and felt better after. She mentioned that I should get my adrenals checked so I came home and looked up information. It seems I am showing all the signs of adrenal fatigue except for one. Though I don't need a checklist to know that my adrenals are shot. Having a breakdown like I did pretty much tells me my adrenals are screwed. There is a reason why I am constantly feeling on edge and can't seem to break the cycle. The problem is from what I read it takes two years to start to feel better on the recommended diet. Two years? I am not looking for a quick fix but two years? *sigh* I guess I should go to my Naturopath and find out more about it.

Oh, I did have chocolate the other night. I needed no encouragement! I just may even have more tonight. 

That's all I have for today. Holding out hope that tomorrow will be a little better than today. 

It was a day. A day with low lower anxiety. Whooot! I don't know if it is the anti-anxiety medication or it was just an easier day but I did OK today. Don't get me wrong, the day did not start well. It started with a call from the people that offer the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy group and finding out I likely won't be able to go because it is on Friday. I work on Friday. I have been waiting since mid-December for this group and thinking I was going to have a space in this group is one of the things that has got me to this point. When the lady told me it was Friday and not offered any other day I started to cry. The lady was just so kind and offered to have me in on a one-on-one to help me. It was not exactly what I wanted because in this case I think a group would really be beneficial. After I got off the phone I was still upset, really upset. It is a huge drag to be depressed. It is like when you have the flu and just want to feel better. But there is nothing you can do to make it go away faster. You just have to get on the pot and shit and shit and shit. 

Anyway, I did go to Al Anon today and it was as usual a great meeting. Not only that, it was right across the street from somewhere else I needed to go to today. Normally I would have had to go to our hellish downtown and parallel park. First, there are never any spots so you have to drive around the block about 10 times until you find someone pulling out. Since my Al Anon group is held in a church I was able to park there (for free!) and just run across the street and drop off the documents that I needed to drop off. Isn't it a silly thing that something so small can make such a huge difference? 

Right now I am watching My Cat From Hell on Netflix. Norbert is like Jesus compared to these demon spawns. Holy crap! 

And I Want Chocolate

What is it with me lately? I have accomplished next to nothing the last few weeks. Static. That is what I am. Static. When I was little (before the advent of cable T.V.) we had an aerial that you had to go outside and turn to get the one of the three channels that were available. (Does anyone else remember doing this?) My mom would get all freaked out if it was raining because she was convinced lightening was going to strike and dead me. At any rate, I feel like that. Going nowhere, doing nothing. I need someone to come and spin me so maybe I can actually do something. 

And I want chocolate. 

It was an anxiety free day with the new medication but it makes me tired! This afternoon I had to go to an orientation meeting and I was sitting at the table with my head in my hand trying to keep my head up. 

And I want chocolate. 

My daughter is making me giggle because she is outside in our shed teaching herself to play the trombone. She is playing Old McDonald Had a Farm (E-I-E-I-O). She is actually doing really well considering she just got it a week ago! She definitely has a talent for music (which did not come from me) because she is also currently teaching herself guitar. Even though she rolls her eyes at me if I just look like I am going to say something to her I have to say she is an awesome kid. She is not like me. She is anything but static.

And I want chocolate. 

So that is it. I finally got the latest issue of Spirituality and Health magazine and I am going to go read it. 

And I want chocolate. 

(I use brackets too often.) 

And I want chocolate. 

My Ovaries

The picture to the left is a picture of my ovaries. Don't ask how I was able to get this picture. I will just say that it was taken today. I am on freaking Ponstan and it is not helping at all. I have mentioned before that I will give any one of you a million dollar to give me a hysterectomy. The offer still stands. 


Though my depression is lightening the anxiety is worse than it has ever been. I went to my doctor today and was so fortunate to see a nurse practitioner first. This woman is awesome and amazing. She was so caring and really listened to me. She asked questions and listened. I felt heard. My god, how often do we feel heard in our medical system? After speaking with her my doctor came in. He is amazing in his own right. This man encourages Naturopathy, Reiki and meditation. He was concerned and also asked me questions. He listened to my answers. I was given a low dose medication to take the edge off. I felt better after I left. 

It is such a nice day here. I was driving with my car window down today! The sun is out and it looks like spring. So far we really have not had much of a winter. Today is the kind of day where I want to go out and plant something.

My husband bought me a new bookcase. It reaches to the ceiling. So far all I have done is put the books from my bedroom in it and it is almost half-full. Ag. I sure do have a lot of books! And I can't get rid of any of them!

Is it that time of the year? That time of the month? Depression? Anxiety? Low Iron levels? Whatever it is I have been extra tired the last few days. I know, I know I am always tired. The only thing I know it isn't is Vitamin D because I am taking 4000 iu a day. I was taking iron as recommended by my naturopath but I ran out and did not refill it until today. It might perk me up.

Other than that, I have nothing to say. I picked up some Chinese food at the grocery store. The first serving was OK but I was so hungry at that point I would have eaten olives. I hate olives. When I was little they made me cry. Have you ever hated a food so much that it made you cry? Anyway, the first serving was OK then after that it was just gross. What a waste of perfectly good calories. If i am going to eat something that is 3 days worth of fat and calories I want it to be worth it. And I think it had MSG in it because I have a headache now.

One thing I have not mentioned in a while is how my cross stitch is coming along. It is coming along nicely. I had to order more floss because I guess I have been using too much. I am about 3/4 done the lap blanket. By the way, why did I start a new craft and choose such a massive project? After I got out of the hospital in December I told the Crisis Response Team that I wouldn't kill myself until after I had finished the cross stitch. They were not amused. I am going to be trying this next and this. I just love the colours in these but also the significance. 

So that's it for tonight. Hockey Night in Canada is on. (Cue the Hockey Night in Canada music.) I am going to work on my cross stitch and tease the Ungrateful Bastard. 

First, this short video is awesome. Watch it if you have the time...

That feeling I described yesterday is gone. That knot that I said had left is back. And the very thought brings me to tears. This time I am Mindful of what caused it. I know exactly why I am in this space but that does not get rid of the anxiety. Maybe I am missing something with this Mindfulness which admittedly I know very little to nothing about. I am supposed to sit with the feeling but when I do the tears come. I am fucking tired of tears. All they seem to do is mess up my glasses. The tears don't heal or bring a resolution to the problem. No, the problem lurks and waits for me around corners of my home, in my car or the grocery store. Obviously I am missing something with the C.B.T./Mindfulness. 

It is a gorgeous sunny day here and I don't have the energy to go out into it. I am beginning to hate this blog because it has become a dark hole representing how I feel. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be out of this dark space. The Black Dog doesn't appear that he has any intention of leaving. Maybe I should force myself out for a walk, even just around the block. Check back later to see if I managed it. 

Going for a walk goes something this...

(after standing grumpily with his arms crossed) All right. I'll swing by for a minute, allow them to envy me, grab a handful of popcorn shrimp and blow outta there. (heads for the door, then stops abruptly and returns nervously) But what if it's a cruel prank? What if it's a cash bar?! How dare they! (scowls, then calms down) All right, I'll go. But I shall be fashionably late. No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! (groans in frustration) Definitely not. (firmly, heading for the door with his hand behind his back) All right! I've made my decision! I'm going! And that's that! (shows his hand) Ah! Had my fingers crossed. - The Grinch Who Stole Christmas 

OK, I went for a walk by the river. I feel a little better. 

A potential disaster was averted today. Today we noticed mold in the downstairs bathroom. Fortunately, it was only on the surface and was able to be wiped off. I bleached the area down and have the dehumidifier going to get rid of the moisture. Keeping my fingers crossed that it is taken care of. 

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I went to my counselor today and for the first time in weeks the knot in my stomach disappeared. The anxiety is gone for the moment. It is such a great feeling to feel 'normal' even for a few hours. If you have never experienced anxiety I can describe it like this...When you know someone is going to jump out at you and your adrenals are on alert. They finally jump out at you and you startle. That is how it is to live with anxiety only it goes on for hours and hours at a time. And it is not fun or silly. It is terrifying. For me there are so many symptoms that go with my anxiety they are too numerous to mention. It is only in the last few days I have been really paying attention to the symptoms and being Mindful of them. If I can get a hold of the symptoms and what they feel like I can recognize them for what they are...just symptoms. The problem with the symptoms  (like a knot in my stomach, heart palpitations, feelings of choking etc.) is they in themselves are frightening and I start to pay attention to the symptom (which increases my anxiety) instead of trying to figure out what caused the symptom in the first place. For example, one of the things that causes me anxiety is just getting in the morning. One of the symptoms that I feel is like I am choking. I then start to get panicky because I feel like I am choking and don't pay any attention to why I felt nervous in the first place...which is getting up in the morning. And around it goes. Never dealing with the problem and only paying attention to the symptoms. However, if it were only that easy! My mind is always going and making judgments and it takes a tremendous amount of work to sift through and find the judgments that are holding me back. Obviously I have a lot to learn on the subject but I am beginning to get an understanding of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and how it can help. 

My counselor today had so many great suggestions. When I think about them they seem so sensible and logical. But in my depressed and anxious brain they don't just come to me like that of a normal person. To add to that I am a child of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. In no way am I judging them, after all my own children are being raised by a codependent mother! The majority of people do their best with what they are given. All we can do is try to learn and work on our defects of character. 

Anyway, time for a cup of Valerian root tea, which my counselor wholeheartedly endorsed for anxiety and sleep. 

I Blog to Prevent Madness

I do, I really do blog to keep myself slipping further into the deep end of the pool. If I write it down it will be harder to sink me. 

So, I went to Al Anon today. And god bless the people in those rooms because if there is indeed no god the people in 12-step rooms are the closest thing. I have never felt so much love, patience, acceptance and wisdom in any group of people. The thing I love about Al Anon is that even though there are thousands of groups around the world, they are all the same. You can come through the door on your knees and the people in the groups understand because they have been there. When you come through the door on your knees the members do not pick you up and dust you off but tell their own stories of how they got off their knees. And you learn. You hear the words and relate. Words like insanity, fixing, vortex, fear, chaos, anxiety, depression and controlling are heard over and over. And those words have life in them...



"We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.

We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness...

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.

Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon. "Source 

~~~~~~~~

 In other news, my son got his learners driving permit today! I am so proud of him. My question is where does the time ago? And how many parents have said those words? I remember when my boy was small and toddling around in his Osh Kosh overalls. I remember him running up and hugging my knees. Now he towers over me. *sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~

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At this exact moment I am listening to Rita MacNeil. (Don't judge me! Yes, I know the average age of her audience is 85 but I like her.) Rita left these instructions before she died...

The instructions included her wish to be cremated, and her ashes placed inside of a tea pot — or two, should another be required...

 I say you freaking rock woman. 

Every night at this time I get so tired and just want to go to bed. The problem is it is only 5:45! I am so tired I feel sick to my stomach and my body isn't responding to what my brain is telling it to do. However, forge on I must. 

Today we went here. This is what it looks like in a rainforest that has not been cut down and deforested. Does the word 'beautiful' sum up this place? The other day my daughter and I went for a walk near the river near our house and there had been so much rain the river was rushing like I had never seen it. We found an old log and threw it in just to see how fast it would go. It was about 300 feet down the river in seconds. I would not want to fall in because I would end up in the Pacific ocean in minutes.

My husband took this picture because they were sitting there and asked him if he would. They have obviously done this before. 

We also went for lunch but my appetite of late is so diminished I didn't eat much. I shared my fries with my husband. Just to let you know, Birdie doesn't share fries. It is something built into my D.N.A.  But I did today. I am wondering if me appetite is ever going to come back. Right now I am getting in about one meal a day and even that is with effort. 

We had a nasty e mail from my step-daughter when we got home. Full of anger and blame. Her latest trick is going in Facebook and letting the world know what terrible people we are. Who does that? Who goes on Facebook to tell people about the chaos in their life? We just have to ignore her as she loves to create chaos and we not only do we not want to be a part of it, we simply can't. Like with any truly toxic people, you have to let them know when enough is enough. We have blocked her e mails and hoping that will be enough. 

But I am really trying not to post about the chaos because in essence I am doing the same thing. The difference is she is sending these messages to my family whereas I have never laid eyes on any of you. She is trying to get everyone to take sides. I am just venting on a blog to people would not know her if they sat with her in a room. I have to say, I am mighty pissed about trying to get my family involved. They however know me and they know her so I am not too concerned. But these people, they are crafty in an evil way. She has had dozens of people over the years who have been manipulated by her charm. I will say, she is charming. 

OK, enough of that. I need a snack before bed.

Oh, right, I did have my mammogram. It was actually awesome because I was in and out of the office in 6 minutes! A very organized process. 

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I needed that last post to be gone so I am creating a fresh new post for today. In a few minutes I am off to get my annual mammogram. There is a history of breast cancer in my family so I have been getting one since I was 32. They don't bother me anymore but there is always that little feeling of 'what if?' Anyway... Norbert is asleep in a box and I have not done much today except two loads of laundry and clean the bathroom. We seem to be out of everything so I need to get some groceries. Such excitement.

Ealier today I was mentioning in a comment that next month I have been blogging 10 years. 10 years! Not all on the same blog but 3 different ones. The funny thing is I have not really looked back at what I have written. Maybe I should. Sometimes we forget how far we have come. Or maybe it will remind me how far I have to go. 

OK, gotta go. Mammogram time! 

Addendum - I have a deadly serious question. I have never felt weather any colder than -12 C. So tell me, when you take your dog outside to pee and it is -40 C how does that actually work? If you can throw boiling water into the air and it instantly freezes how do dogs manage? 

Outside, it is a stay at home kind of day. Though the rain has stopped (finally) it is a gloomy grey outside. Inside, I am tired and have little energy. I know I should go for a walk but just the thought of putting my shoes on overwhelms me. 

Last night my husband sent an e mail to his daughter. It was long but full of what needed to be said. I have no idea where this will go but at some point we need to put up firm boundaries. Since she was 14 she has been a source of unending stress and chaos. To be honest, I don't think she will ever be able to have insight to her behaviour. Behaviour that is so off the wall that there are no answers. She has to win at all cost. My husband and I are wondering if she is in fact a Sociopath. She fits every criteria. When you first meet her she is charming, even hypnotic. You want to love her. As you get to know her you find that she never shows remorse or guilt, ever. She invents stories and lies to your face. (She sent an e mail to her dad this week saying I have been sending "hateful" emails to her all year. The last e mail I sent to her was 2 weeks after the birth of  her child. That was in May.) If you call her on it, she vehemently denies it. If you question further she will fly into a rage... and watch out, there will be repercussions for questioning her. She will toss you aside and/or make you regret saying anything. As with many sociopaths, she is highly intelligent. She is a wordsmith and can pull you in with her words and has published poetry. She says things that make you believe she is a normal person, but in the end it is just words. In all the years I have known her she has never shown regret for the way she uses and treats people.To her, other people are a way to gain what she wants. I believe having a baby was a way to bring in a high income for the next 18 years. As I have said, the father of this child and his family are incredibly wealthy. Not just living comfortable but rich. I remember when her child was born the lack of emotion. Just flatness. Not unhappy but no "pride of motherhood". Her baby received no gentle caresses or kisses. Yes, she has cared for the basic needs of her child but as in Maslow's hierarchy she showed no love or tenderness. 

Over the years her dad has tried absolutely everything to reach her. Her own mother went 7 years without seeing her. When most parents (myself included) would have put her in foster care my husband has stood by her. The stories my husband has told me (backed up by court documents) are to the point of unbelievable. How any person could live the way she lives seems too bizarre to be true. She creates chaos and division in her family. Like I said yesterday, she gave her dad and ultimatum saying that unless he left me he would not be able to see his grandchild. (Which is baffling because as I said, until this week I have had zero contact with her since 2 weeks after the birth of her baby.) She hands out ultimatums to everyone. She is cutting and cruel. Honestly, in my (almost) 43 years of being alive I have never met anyone who is, for lack of a better word, this evil.

I struggle because if I was a stranger reading these words I would think, surely she is exaggerating. All I can say is I am only touching the surface. As for having the child taken away, it won't happen. Children are not taken away from a home because of lack of love, they are taken away for abuse and neglect. As of now, she is not abusing or neglecting her child that we know of. The day will come though. One day she will need something from her child.

In the end, it is breaking my husband. It is not only breaking his heart but his spirit. What is a parent to do when their child is this far gone? 

OK, that is enough. I needed to write this all down. 

Have you ever known a sociopath? 

I am using the word "child" here to try to keep some sense of anonymity. Normally I would use the term "son" or "daughter" to describe a baby. 

Outside the sky has opened up and letting down the rain like is had been storing it up there for months. It started last night and has not let up. This is not a light rain but a torrential downpour. Life in what used to be a rain forest. Along with the rain comes the darkness. It is so dark and dreary. I have no desire to go out in the rain but I will have to at some point. You would think that being raised with this weather I would be used to it but if anything I am just getting tired of it. 

Mood wise, it is a blue-gray day for me. I am so tired even though I slept well last night and had a nap. Anxiety has a way of sucking your energy. There are things going on with one of my step-daughters that is causing incredible stress. Last night she emailed her dad with an ultimatum that unless he left me he would not be able to see his grandchild. In the same e mail she listed several different people that she has had disputes with and no longer "allowing" to see her child. The list includes her child's father, his parents and sister and her own sister. She is announcing that she will be moving and changing her child's and her surname so she can be unsearchable. I knew when she got pregnant that things would be bad but not this bad. She is over the top crazy. As I have said before, she got pregnant with her sister's boyfriend, drank and smoked during her pregnancy, doesn't work, never graduated from high school or have a driver's license. She didn't even have an apartment and was living at a woman's shelter when she got pregnant. Oh, she got into a dispute with them as well. (Incidentally, the pregnancy was planned. We are quite certain that she chose the father of her child because he makes a lot of money and his parents are well known in their community and very wealthy.) She blames all the problems in her life on everyone else and has zero insight that she does this. This same woman has gone through 3 doctors because she gets into disputes with them. One of the doctors she got into a dispute with is rated in the top 10 doctors in the province. Anyway...I am venting. The anxiety and stress she is causing is not good for where I am right now. I am working at being Mindful of the anxiety and though it is working I have so far to go. I need to go to Reiki or something.

OK, I have vented enough. Time for a cup of tea. 

I had a nap...

I had a nap this afternoon and holy crap! I put my head on my pillow and was sleeping in about .025 of a second. I was so tired that I was dreaming about dreaming and trying to wake up. Have you ever had a dream that you were dreaming and in the dream you were trying to wake up? It is weird. A koan, even. The last two days I have been way too busy doing things like filling out forms and doing paperwork. For some reason it exhausted me. It is stressful! Before I had my nap I had a cup of Skullcap tea. I am not sure the deep sleep I went into was because I was just simply tried or the tea. If it is the tea I will have to only have it at night. 

The Black Dog continues his watch. The asshole. Remarkably, what I have been reading and putting to use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is beginning to work for the anxiety. As for the depression, I am being mindful that what I think and feel are not always fact. Depression has a way skewing reality. Now if I can always remember this all the time I will be cured! But damn it, this is a work in progress and it is never completed. The thought of that overwhelms me. I know, 'one day at a time' but if you have battled this beast you know how hard it is. You are always aware that you can slip back so easily. It comes up behind you. You feel that it is there but feel powerless to do anything about it. 

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In other news, my daughter decided to spend all of her money on an ipad and is now scrambling for money for a jazz band trip to Idaho. (Which reminds me, has anyone heard from Ajax at carpe dieming in the garden? She hasn't posted in months and I am hoping she is OK.) She was thinking I would cough up the money but I am only going to pay a portion. She knew this and spent the money anyway. She has been practicing for all year for this trip. The mother guilt points its finger at me but I know I am teaching her to be responsible and accountable. I am paying $200.00, her dad is supposed to pay $200.00 and she is responsible for $200.00. Her dad has never paid an extra penny over the last 13 years so will see how that turns out. At any rate, there is no way she can blame me or say it is my fault. Is it horrible of me to think, "sweet justice"?

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He is back. Last night around 10:00 he came back and has me pinned. I am so tired of trying so hard only for the Black Dog to get me again and again. I am playing with the idea of turning off comments because I feel like you all may feel like I am fishing for compliments or thinking I should just snap out of it. 

This is the time of night when I know I should have been in bed an hour ago even though it is only 8:30. I don't deal well with life when I get tired. But it seems like I am always tired so what can I do? I did have a nap today but I didn't really sleep. All things considered, until the last hour I had an OK day. I got up and drove my kids to school. I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon where I waited for almost an hour. There was a woman in there that was strung out on god-knows-what. First she was eating potato chips like there was no tommorow. I am talking loud rustling of the bag and literally shoveling them into her mouth with her hand. Then she started on a second bag. Now as you know, my nerves are more than a wee bit frayed latley but I took some deep breaths and tried to ignore her. If Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson walked into the clinic I would have had a better chance of ignoring them but I digress. She was also drinking a Coke. Did I mention she was waiting for her boyfriend who was there giving a urine sample. And don't judge me...we all want to know why other people are there even if it is just a little bit. Anyway... after the two bags of chips it got kind of quiet for about 10 seconds. So quiet that I looked up and she pulled out a doughnut. WTF? She ate in one bite. I am not kidding. At this point I am trying so hard not to stare. The whole scene was spectacular in a warped and twisted kind of way. After the doughnut I guess she had nothing else to do so she started kicking the chair in front of her. Loudly. Very, very loudly. At this point I could not take it a second more so I moved clear across the clinic and said to myself "I thought I was a mess". And then I realized I am a mess. She was still sitting there when I left. I guess the boyfriend's urine tested positive. 

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OK, I was going somewhere with this. Oh yes. I had an OK day. A bunch of running around. I finally got my haircut. It has been months. I finally talked my son into getting his hair cut as well. His hair looked exactly like Shaggy's only dark brown. Now it is really short and a little longer at the top. 

So anyway...I am now tired, overwhelmed and cranky. I am going to have some Valerian root tea then go to bed. 

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<----This is my brain when I try to meditate. 

The moment I sit down and check in with my body and get comfortable my brain starts thinking of everything but nothing. Words. Thoughts. Conversation. Zing! Zip! Grabalallag! No rest for the weary brain. I bring myself back to centre. Breathe. One, two....then back to chaos in my brain. There is a reason it is called practice because it is not easy. What I don't get is why it is such a challenge. Those fleeting moments of peace are so nice. In those second my body relaxes and my stomach looses the knot. I can breathe without anxiety. But then my brain takes over...back to centre... a few moments of calm...back to centre. 

Several of you mentioned watching comedy movies but I am not even aware of any. Actually, I will take a nice feel-good movie as well. Any suggestions? I have Canadian and America Netflix.

My daughter just came and told my that a friend of hers is on life-support that is being removed tomorrow. They will then take his organs. He was hit by a drunk driver. He is 16.

It is a 3/10 kind of day. Anxiety all day long and I just have to live with it because I don't have any ativan. Is it too much to ask to have one fucking ativan everyday? I have never, ever taken more than two a day. Not once. The doctor in the hospital gave me 20 pills to last 30 days. That is all well and fine if the current ant-depressant was working to its full potential but its not. So I sit here all day barely being able to take a breath. My heart races and my head spins. I am wondering if he expects me to start drinking or smoking pot because that is looking like my only option right now. Seriously...just one damn ativan to get me through the witching hours of the day. 
Anyway... I am also wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Tonight the movie "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" was on and it made me literally sick to my stomach. The scene where the girl is bonded and raped disturbed me so much that I started to cry. Why is it that everywhere we go we hear about violence against women and yet we watch it as entertainment and don't think there is anything wrong with it? Is it just me? If it is, why? Or is it not me and all the rest of the world is fucked up? Am I too sensitive or is everyone else desensitized? The movie and the books were a huge hit so it much be me. 
OK, I am crying again. Time for bed. 

My son sent me this and it made me laugh so I thought I would share it with you. 

Better Late...

The Winter Solstice box was supposed to be burned on the 21st and then it was going to be burned on New Year's eve but I didn't have the energy. And maybe I wasn't ready. I don't know. But I did finally set fire to it tonight. It was full of slips of paper of just some of the anger, resentment and sadness I have been letting consume me. 

 The size of small resentments turning into a fair sized blaze is not lost on me. 

And finally, ashes. 

It actually felt good standing there in the drizzling rain and watching them burn. 

My husband is happy!

I think I must be feeling better because I am actually doing things like taking down Christmas stuff and packing it up but the effort it takes tells me no, I am not better. When I packed up the Christmas village today I stared at it and could not think of how to pack it up. It is hard to explain. I mean wrap it in something that keeps it from breaking, right? To think that then find something to pack it in then actually do it takes a lot of processing. Normally I would just do it but today it took effort. I did get it packed up eventually and had my son take it down to the shed. It is funny with Christmas decorations. Like a holiday that you look forward to but when it is done you are so relived to have your normal life back. The tree will come down in the next day or two then my husband will cut it up and compost it. It will nourish our garden next summer.

Incidentally, have you ever seen the trees that didn't make it to become a Christmas tree? The leftovers that nobody wanted that sit in the tree lot or the grocery store? It makes me sad. Granted, it is me I am talking about. The woman that decorates trees in her yard. Still it is sad.


Anyway...I got the Christmas village down and a few other decorations from around the house. I cleaned the bathroom and did some cross stitch. I am not having a great day but I am not having a hell-day either. 

Oh, and another thing. The new medication I am on has some very awesome side effects. Or rather, it doesn't have the side effect that other medications have. Think about it. It will come to you. Just sayin'.