Falling Asleep in Yoga

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sooglepot/2601372415/

This week I have been training at my new job.  I am really tired, so tired that I feel asleep in yoga during Shivasana.  I have not been reading blogs but I hope to get caught up this weekend.  Not much crying this week but I did cry today when I used my cell phone to call my dad and I scrolled to, "Mom and Dad" on my phone book.  I cried because my mom will never be answering the phone again.  Never.  I still can't realize "forever".  Forever makes me so sad and feel so desperate.  
I don't have much to say.  I need a hot bath and a hot chocolate and bed.  I have been so cold. I can't get warm.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I am lonely for her. 

Dear god, I have been sucked down a black hole.  In my last post I was looking for a young man named Arnold that died in the W.W. 1 (It turns out he was my first cousin 4 times removed.)  I became very, very side tracked.  And this is what I found!  
Most of you know my real name.  I know I am named after my great-grandmother.  I never knew anything about her other than her first name.  (I met her when I was very young.)  Last night while searching for Arnold I found my great grandmother.  And much, much more.  I found all my grandmothers from that line all the way back to 1748.  And...all of them had my name as a first or second name. That is 263 years of my name.  I was floored when I found this out.  When my mom named me she did not know that the name went that far back.  She just liked my dad's grandmother and liked the name.  So, there you go. I also found out that my great grandmother was born in Austria and her mother and grandmothers were born in Germany.
I am glad to be getting my mind off my mom though I did cry yesterday about 5 times.  I am stressed about Christmas.  I know my mom would want me to have a happy Christmas but I don't know that that is completely possible.  Anyway, I am OK at this particular second.  

It seems my body and brain are giving me a break from my grief.  That raw grief that makes me want to never go out of the house again and thinks sleeping until January 2nd is a good idea has lifted for the moment.  I went to Reiki yesterday and had two Reiki healers doing their magic on me at the same time so I think that has something to go with it.  I did wake up with anxiety at 4:30 this morning.  The Ungrateful Bastard woke me up purr-purr-purring away all happy to see me and wake me up.  I decided to get up and have a bit of breakfast and blog.  I had some eggs and I can tell you right now that I can't wait to have my own chickens.  Store bought eggs are tasteless. 
See this young man to the left?  His name is AM. He is from my family.  I have discovered all sorts of things about him.  I know his full name and his date of birth and that  he died on June 17th, 1915 at the age of 22 in WW1. I even know where he is buried and have pictures of the cemetery in France.   All I had to start with is this picture.   The problem is I do not know who his parents were so it is almost impossible to place him in the family tree.  I know his next of kin is James and I guessed that was his father but James was a popular name back then. I can find a few men named James but none of them have a son named Arnold.  I feel sort of sad that I can't place him on the tree.  He was somebody's boy.  And he was so young.  He never had a life so speak of.  I wonder if he left behind a girl.  What did his mom do when she got the news?  And how much more sorrow that he was buried in France and they never were able to bring flowers to his grave. Just one day, dead at 22.  Genealogy is like going down a rabbit hole.  You don't know where it is going to lead.  You can spend hours upon hours searching and come up empty.  Anyway, I will keep looking. I am determined to not have this young man forgotten any more.  He deserves his place.  If I am every in France I will find his grave is at in Le Treport Military Cemetery, France and put flowers on it and tell him he is remembered. 
Well, I am going to go back to bed for a bit then get on with my day.  I have my grief support circle  this morning and I am buying a ladder at Home Depot. I do not like Home Depot. All the employees hide, I think.  Or there really are only 3 people that work there.  It should be loads of fun. 
Happy Thanksgiving to my friends to the south! 

My Dad

I found this post while reading my old blog.  It is about my dad.  

Daddy's Girl

I am a daddy's girl. But I wasn't always. I was born into a home by a man that didn't know how to be a father. He was an angry and abusive person.  He used to hang me over bridges and the ferry and pretend to let go. I was terrified of him.  I hid when he was in the house.  I have since made amends with my father and I love him.

But my dad? Who is he? My mom had been a single mom and met my dad when I was 7 and got married when I was 9.  I have adored this man from the beginning. He took on a role that didn't belong to him. He stepped in and became my daddy. He has taught me more about life than anyone. From changing the brakes in my car to making the perfect spaghetti sauce. He has been my shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. He is always there for me. Always. He has never judged me for my many, many messes I have got myself into. In fact, he helped me out of them. He has been there when I call him up at 7:00 a.m. because my car won't start and I need a ride to work. (And while I am at work he fixes my car.) He has been there late at night when I call him because I am crying and need someone to listen. He is my hero. 

He took on a job that was not his own. He has never once made a statement declaring me any less than a flesh and blood daughter. In fact, in his Will he calls me his flesh and blood.  He became a daddy to a little girl that so desperately needed one.

OK, Blogging Break is Over

I have had another crying most of the day kind of day.  I cried in the bank line.  I cried at the insurance office.  I cried in my car. I cried before I had a nap.  I cried after I had a nap.  I think I even may have cried during my nap.  In is so strange because the first few weeks I was O.K. and now I am just not OK.  Or maybe I am and I am just grieving in one of the most raw ways one can grieve.


One thing I never knew about grief is how much it can effect (or is it affect?) you physically.  I am so tired but when I sleep I shake and can't stop. (I have to take Ativan before sleep.)  My joints ache.  My eyes sting.  I can't relax and so my muscles ache.  I am cold all the time so I wear a toque around the house. My stomach is in a knot all the time. 


I do have some good news.  Remember last week I said I was hoping something really good was going to come from something I did the previous week but I didn't want to say what it is yet because I am superstitious and didn't want to jinx it?  Well, that good thing happened!  I applied to do home support in a union job and I got it!  My wage will be going up $4.00 and hour.  I will be able to quit my current job for an employer that has not given me a wage increase in 2 years.  (I sent my 2-week notice tonight.) It will take awhile to get a permanent position but this  is going to make a big difference in my life and the life of my family.  When I get a permanent position I will even get benefits.  Yay!  I am especially thankful right now because I will have seven days of paid training and now I will be able to afford Christmas presents for my kids.  I will be able to afford to buy food.  Yay!  
So, now I am off to bed.  Who was I kidding? I can't not blog.  I love you all so much.  Thanks for the encouragement.  Thanks for loving me. xo

Grief vs. Depression

Taking a Rest from Blogging 

It is one of those days when I don't think I have it in me to keep posting about my mom dying and my grief. I sit down with my laptop and my fingers become heavy.  I can't seem to form thoughts that make any sort of sense.  I spent more of today crying.  Now I am just numb and so very tired.  I managed to cook myself a piece of fish but other than that I have not had anything to eat.  All my clothes are getting loose. My kids are at Papa's today. They had a sleepover with my 6 year old niece.  I am glad they are having fun.
My question now is when do I start thinking this is depression instead of grief? What is the difference?  I am having days that are OK but I still don't really want to go out into the community.  It overwhelms me. 
I did manage to get dressed today.  Changed the bed.  Cleaned the bathroom. Cleaned the cat's litter box.  Did a few loads of laundry. I am really, really tired now. I just want a hot bah then to go to bed.  
Maybe instead of no longer blogging I should just take a break.  I really do live for your comments.  They keep me going. I go to Hospice for support but other than that I am feeling lonely.  I could die right now and it would be hours before anyone even noticed.  I walk around my own house and nobody talks to me.  Lonely and invisible.  
I don't know what else to say,  I know dear reader that many of you are no longer reading because my writing is so negative and sad.  I completely understand. It is hard enough in this world to get by with your own problems, never mind reading about someone else's. 
So yes, a break. Maybe I will be back tomorrow or next week.  I just know I need a break.  I will continue to check in on all of you.

It is Saturday.  I have done nothing today.  The Ungrateful Bastard is actually sitting beside me.  If I pet him it will send him into a rage and he will run away. I really do love this cat though. He is so cranky you can't help but love him.  He watches the birds and I watch him and he is just so cute.  And hateful. 
We are going to my biological father's and his wife for dinner tonight. (Is that sentence is a grammatical nightmare?)  I am supposed to vote today and this is the first time I don't feel like voting. I am a big advocate on voting but I just don't care right now.  I really don't.  But I will still vote because it is the right thing to do.  It is a municipal election. 
My bra is pinching me.  My eyes sting from crying.  
I am working on my own little cubby.  I have not had my own space for years and years.  It is an area about 6' x 7' but it will be mine.  I have my book case in there and one of those zero gravity chairs.  I have my pictures and I am going to hang shiny things from the ceiling. I will have my music as well. I can take my laptop down there too.  
Well, I have to get ready to go out.  Norbert is still beside me. I did pet him for a bit and he purred.  Silly cat. xo


Here is a nice video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjqCQ-E0S30

I have not been posting.  Too tired and nothing to say anyway.  So here is a point by point synopsis of my week.

• Today is my daughter's birthday.  She is 14. She is kind, generous, tall, beautiful, smart and caring.  I am so proud of her!
• My dad found out this week that his dog has cancer in his rectum.  There is no treatment or cure.  Eddie the dog is a 13 year old, wonderful and loving chocolate Lab. I understand that he is an old dog but now?  Why now?  Now my dad is facing that he will have to put Eddie down. Eddie was in the room in palliative care when my mom died. 
•  My breasts hurt.  Achy, PMS breasts with a hint of menopause thrown in for good measure.  My nana went into menopause at 32 so don't tell me I am too young. I am having a mammogram next week.  I have been having them for 9 years as breast cancer is in my family.
• I hate almost every book ever written on grief. A throw across the room hate.
• Right now I am telling my kids to go to bed but they are ignoring me but I am too tired to do anything about it.
• I am hoping that something really good is going to come from something I did last week. I can't say what it is yet because I admit I am superstitious and don't want to jinx it.
• I learned a cool new position at yoga yesterday but I have forgotten how to do it because I am so tired. 
• My daughter has finally gone to bed but my son is still ignoring me.  
• I am going to go have a hot bath and a cup of tea.  Good night, world. 

Today was a better day.  I just had a reminder of one of the many things that my mom did that made her so wonderful and now I am crying again.  But it is a good cry. Thank you to the person who reminded me of my mom saying, "Whooo!". I am glad for that memory. 


The last several days have been the hardest yet.  I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling.  My whole body physically aches from crying.  I didn't know grief could make your feet, legs and knees ache. I didn't know grief could make your arms, neck and back sore.  I didn't know grief could cause your throat to feel tight and your lungs to feel as if all the heaviness of the world is sitting on them.  


I saw my grief counsellor this afternoon.  She is a person of such loveliness.  I feel normal when we speak.  Lately I have felt like a freak when I speak to people. I feel vulnerable.  I feel as if I have no skin.  When I speak to my counsellor I can feel the skin on my body where it belongs. I feel vulnerable but overwhelmingly safe and cared for. 

I also went to Reiki today.  I receive Reiki at no charge through Hospice. One of the Reiki healers came and searched me out just to give me a hug.  She always comes and finds me to give me a hug when I am in the building.  I feel loved.  She honestly loves and cares for me.  We met while my mom was on the Palliative ward.  She came and did Reiki several times on my mom and me.  




And there is all of you.  You, who keep coming back and reading my words.  You keep commenting and loving me even though you receive nothing back. I thank my God for all of you. There is a Bible verse for you!  Phillipians 1:3


picture courtesy of  http://www.flickr.com/photos/27282406@N03/4134929014/sizes/m/in/photostream/

I have been crying for two days now.  I didn't know that was possible.  How do I not become dehydrated?  I am absolutely exhausted.  Even now tears are behind my eyes. God, my heart aches.   It physically aches. I am going to Hospice counselling on Thursday.  


When I was little I was going to run away from home.  I remember crying and just having a bad day.  My brother came out to get me before I got past the front of the house because Mom was going to make strawberry Quik.  I want my life to be that simple again.  My mom and a glass of strawberry Quik.  

Without an Anchor

Do you ever go through your day and all of a sudden it hits you that you have done life wrong?  I feel that I have made a mistake being so close to my mom, dad and family.  I love them so much and now that one of them is gone I feel lost.  I feel like my anchor is gone. Maybe I should have been independent and relied more on myself.  Maybe if I had done that, this would not hurt so much.  I feel like my soul has been ripped out.  I relied so much on my mom's unending and unwavering love and now it is gone and I feel lost.  So fucking lost.  I want to tear apart my clothes. I want to rip out my hair.  I want to fall on the hard cement and find some way to release this pain.  It is strange.  I can go for several days then all of a sudden grief pulls me down, gasping for breath, begging that this pain is not real.  Fuck, I just miss her so much.  My beautiful mom.  She was incredibly good.  How can she be gone?  Does she miss me as much as I miss her?  I even struggle with where she is right now.  Has her soul simply stopped being?  Is she in heaven? Is she in hell?  Has she moved onto another life and forgotten about me?  Has she forgot how much she was loved? 
I prepared for her dying for so long but tonight I don't feel prepared at all.  I can't do this.  I can't.  I want to die myself.  I keep getting up in the morning because I know that there are people that love me but I don't know how I can keep going.  
I go to a grief support group on Friday mornings and I am told that pain eases.  You know what?  I don't want the pain to go away.  It is an absurd companion.  I have no way to explain this.  Maybe if you have grieved yourself you will understand.  It makes no sense that I want to feel terrible. 
I spoke to my dad today about decorating the tree for Christmas (see previous post) and he doesn't know what to do.  He is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do about it.  See?  As a family we got through the hell in life because we did it as a family.  Now one of us is gone.  No, not gone.  Dead.  Gone seems like she could come back.  Dead.  Gone from this life and no longer able to give or receive love.  We are left with these memories that run like sand through our fingers. The memories just hurt right now.
One of the thing that really hit me last week is all the women that loved me are dead.  My grandmothers and mom.  My Nana died in 2004  (link to my old blog) and I still feel a hollow.  I am now the oldest woman in my family.  I still have aunts but I am the oldest woman in my line.  How can this be?  How can that be possible?  I am not ready to be strong like the women in my family.  I  just don't have what it takes.  I make stupid ass mistakes.  I am immature.  I don't make wise decisions. I am not calm and reasonable.  
Alright, this post has exhausted me.  I am tired.  
I want my mom. 

http://ihadablackdog.blogspot.com/

I had a terrible sleep last night.  Terrible sleeps always seem to open the gate so the Black Dog can get it in my house.  I started thinking how close Christmas is which started me thinking about decorating the tree at my mom and dad's house.  Decorating the tree is almost bigger than Christmas.  Sometimes we all can't be together on Christmas day but we are always together to decorate the tree.  We have never missed a year, not once.  Ohhh, this year is going to be so hard.  I don't know if I even want to do it this year.  At this point I want to just scrap it but I know it is important to my kids and nieces.  Anyway, all this thinking just made me so sad and then I started crying. Then I got tired and just wanted to go home.  We were out and I needed to get away from the noises, loud in my head.  I am home now and I had a nap but I am still tired and weary and sad.  And a little depressed today. 
Get this.  You are all aware that Norbert has been wearing the Cone of Shame.  Does it seem weird to you that all of a sudden he is spending a great deal of time sitting on the table with a lamp.  He sits really close and stares at it.  I think he is in love. 

I went to buy Norbert a new collar today at the pet store.  (Norbert lost his, it is my belief that he did it on purpose.)  It is a satellite adoption centre for the S.P.C.A.  There were six tabby kittens.  Six Norberts looking all cute and fuzzy.  I tried to ignore them, I did!  But one of them crawled up the side of the cage and was sticking his wee paw out and giving hi-fives.  I could not resist but to take him out and love him.  He was so cute and purry. And there were five more just like him. No I did not buy one.  I thought of the Norbert at home with the Cone of Shame.  I have my hands more than full with one ungrateful tabby. Look at this picture. He is so full of hate and rage.  I wonder what he would do if he knew I was posting it on the Internet for everyone to gawk at.  He is feeling much better and is almost completely healed.  He barfed up a great big hairball on the bed this morning so I had to wash and change the sheets and two blankets.  I will add that it was my one day to sleep in.  Again, I know he did it on purpose. Oh well, I love a clean bed.   

Norbert

The Ungrateful Bastard is much improved today.  I am using the Vetericyn and it is working like magic.  Norbert is is his usual bad mood, not his sick bad mood. He is up and walking around all cranky-like. I think I need to explain why I can't take him to the Vet and needed to do home treatment.  The vet would have given me a bill of at least $500.00.  Because I stopped working when my mom was dying I have been living on about $800.00 a month.  I simply do no have the money.  Right now I do not even have money to buy food.  I have less than $10.00 in my bank account and that has to last me until the 20th. I knew I would take a huge financial hit by choosing to care for my mom instead of working but I had made a promise to her.  Even if I had not promised her I would have done the same thing.  I am feeling like crap because I did not take Norbert to the vet.  At any rate, he is getting better.  As always, we do the best we can. No more about my finances.  Things always work out one way or another.  I have decided to sell some of my books to get some money so I can buy groceries.  
I am going back to Yoga tonight.  The instructor is not charging me for the class until I get back on my feet.  This type of giving  is called Seva, volunteer work offered to God.  I am truly grateful.
I am having one of those days where everything is overwhelming  me.  I can't seem to think past just sitting here.  I am staring out the window at the birds in the feeder.  I think I need to go back to bed until my mood improves. 


PS- Does anyone know why when I hit "publish post" it does not show up in the reading list for hours and hours later?  I wrote this post this morning and it is now 5:00 and still not showing in the list. 

My New Blog!

OK, so what do you think of my new look?  You all know I love crows and Cat from Catalina's Cottage offered to give my blog a new look.  I am so happy with it.  I think it is perfect!  Yay!


I am going back to work today and I am having a medium sized panic attack over it.  Yesterday I cried a fair amount.  I don't think I will cry when I am with my patients but I feel all jingle-jangled.  (I just made that phrase up.  Where that came from I do not know.)  


Norbert still has a big abscess on his back and is not getting better despite all the treatment I have given him.  I went and purchased this today.  He is still eating and drinking but definitely lethargic.  Of course he is still being an Ungrateful Bastard.  Do you think he has even thanked me once for draining his pus-filled abscess (gag) four to six times a day? Oh no.  He growls and  hisses and tries to bite.  I know it hurts him but still.  He is also in a pissy mood because I won't let him go outside and I know he is going to try to kill me in my sleep because I am making him wear the cone of shame.


OK. I need to go to work.  I am getting a drastically new haircut today.  Pictures tomorrow!


Later that day - I need to write this first part quickly before the moment  is no longer.  Right now my kids are unloading the dishwasher, having a conversation and getting along! Sorry, but that just does not happen in this house very often.
Work was OK today. I also got my hair chopped very short and I am very happy with it.  I am really tired tonight and looking forward to bed.