I prepared for her dying for so long but tonight I don't feel prepared at all. I can't do this. I can't. I want to die myself. I keep getting up in the morning because I know that there are people that love me but I don't know how I can keep going.
I go to a grief support group on Friday mornings and I am told that pain eases. You know what? I don't want the pain to go away. It is an absurd companion. I have no way to explain this. Maybe if you have grieved yourself you will understand. It makes no sense that I want to feel terrible.
I spoke to my dad today about decorating the tree for Christmas (see previous post) and he doesn't know what to do. He is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do about it. See? As a family we got through the hell in life because we did it as a family. Now one of us is gone. No, not gone. Dead. Gone seems like she could come back. Dead. Gone from this life and no longer able to give or receive love. We are left with these memories that run like sand through our fingers. The memories just hurt right now.
One of the thing that really hit me last week is all the women that loved me are dead. My grandmothers and mom. My Nana died in 2004 (link to my old blog) and I still feel a hollow. I am now the oldest woman in my family. I still have aunts but I am the oldest woman in my line. How can this be? How can that be possible? I am not ready to be strong like the women in my family. I just don't have what it takes. I make stupid ass mistakes. I am immature. I don't make wise decisions. I am not calm and reasonable.
Alright, this post has exhausted me. I am tired.
I want my mom.
Oh, Birdie. I am so sorry. Grief is the most horrible feeling, and it lasts forever- it doesn't go away, what happens is you learn how to live with it. When my aunt died I told myself that I could never be happy again, and life was really hard for a long time. But then I realized that she would have wanted me to live, not to suffer for her. It's been years, and I still miss her every day, but I've learned to live with it.
ReplyDeleteThe ones who love us never truly leave.
I am sending you so much love. I wish you luck and good things and most of all, peace.
Love,
MurrBeth
I can't imagine.....yet. But I see it......happening sooner than later.....and then I just hide my eyes.
ReplyDeleteLove your life, love your kid(s), and KNOW that you are never alone.
Breathe, Birdie. The depth of your pain will ease some.. and return.. and diminish.. and so on. Talk about it to your doctor. You might need a some help in getting through the process. It is a process. And you're stronger than you think. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me- none of those women ever thought she was strong or that she always made the right choices.
ReplyDeleteThat is life.
Which you are still a part of, even though unbelievably your mother is not.
I am so sorry that you are suffering so. But that is the payment of giving our hearts so fully and that, too, is life.
Yes. Just breathe. Some days that is all that you must really do.
Sending love.
The pain you describe, I remember that pain. I had forgotten it but your writing brought it back. When Katie was first diagnosed she was just over a year old. It felt like my child had died and she had in a way. My dream child died.
ReplyDeleteI felt like all of my skin had been stripped from my body, like there was no barrier between me and the rest of the world. I could feel everyone's pain, not just my own. My heart had been ripped from my chest and hurled into the street. The pain was unending and I didn't know how I would survive.
I did, survive. It got better, slowly. It will get better I promise.
Take care woman.
I'm sorry you're so sad ...
ReplyDeleteWhat you have to offer those women in your family is how your honest feelings of grief feel. It is time to reach out to them and your father as well as any family members, that you are deeply hurting.
ReplyDeleteOne step, a baby step is all you need try to do. One ray of light, of the words your mother gave you as comfort. Feel that as a warm embrace from her right now. She would not want you to suffer so with her loss.
I wish I had the love you were blessed with of your mother. I never had that. When my stepfather passed away 12 years ago, I couldn't have imagined how our lives would move forward. He was our rock and anchor. He was the one who tried hard to keep the calm between my mom and I when things would get heated up. Time did heal....but there isn't a day that I don't ache with missing him or his loving arms, or the way he was such a dear, devoted Grandfather to my kids and clearly a devoted husband to my difficult mother.
As for those first holidays, birthdays in the first year. They are hard. They can't feel right. Bring in a new tradition....don't put too much expectations on them. Just let them flow, laugh, cry, reminisce. Hug and hug often...you all are hurting, you all need each other to step forward those baby steps.
Oh Honey. I had no idea what you were going through. I am sending you so much love. Much much much much love.
ReplyDeleteSweetest Birdie, prayers for you, Dear.
Dear Barb,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your pain is so overwhelming! You have received alot of good feedback from some very thoughtful commenters here. I hope their words help to encourage you.
I understand how badly it hurts to lose someone so close. And that hurt never goes completely, but you do get used to it.
And when you said, that you arent even sure if you want the pain to go away. I can relate to that too. The physical pain you feel in your grief is a tangible connection to her, and I can totaly relate that you could be reluctant to let go of.
I enjoy your posts about Norbert. The humor you have when you write about him is proof that you are going to make it through this!
Oh Birdie. I have no idea what to say... I just wanted you to know i"m thinking of you xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your pain. I wish I could say something brilliant to help. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I have not walked this road, so I don't know.I remember when my Gram died; years passed before I could say I felt anything close to happiness. Again, my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks as I read this post. We are strangers, yes, but we both ache for the arms of our mother to hold us or the soft spoken words they spoke. I never, never stop missing and wishing I could see her just one more time. But then, when I get the lowest, a hand reaches out to me from somewhere and I feel her holding mine and can hear the soft words...I will see you again one day!
ReplyDeleteThe pain will never leave your broken heart, but I can tell you, your mother is always with you...always!
Death hurts the people left behind. The awful truth. Sending you a big hug.
ReplyDelete