Update

My mom continues to get closer to death.  Incoherent.  Down to just sips and mouth care.  We are hoping to have her moved to the Palliative unit tomorrow.  My city has a state of the art Palliative department with fully private rooms.  Each unit has a TV, CD player with any type of music you can think of.  There are beds for family too.  Comfort of the patient is priority and medication for pain management is never refused.  Second priority is care and support for the family.  It is a good place to die.  If that is what you are doing.
I bought a new dress for my mom's service today.  She does not want a funeral so we are having a celebration of life.  It is a nice dress.
And I have a weird fucking rash on my girly parts.  Too much information?  Probably but it hurts damn it!  My fiance thinks it is a heat rash but think it is stressed induced.  It makes me grateful for fans and corn starch. 
I have been sleeping outside for a week now because I don't seem to have really bad panic attacks when I am out there. I still have nightmares but they are not terrible and scary.  Just sad. 

Bittersweetness

We had a family picnic today.  My mom in her hospital bed.  There were times of joy and times of so much tenderness I don't know how my soul contained it. 

Joy

Smiles

An Ocean and Tears

This is the beach where I went swimming today.

Spent more time with my mom again today.  We had a nice talk about many things.  Things I will keep close to my heart.  She told me a funny story about when she met my dad and how long they waited to have sex.  ( I can't tell you but it was the 70's and love at first sight and they are still together over 30 years later!)  We cried (a lot) and we laughed.  I told her the dreaded secret that I had been holding since Grade 9... It was *I*  that ruined a textbook that she had to pay for.  I gave her some messages to pass on to my grandma, grandpa and nana. I told her to watch our for our old family dog Roxy who died about 12 years ago and would undoubtedly be still barking.   She was a weird dog and became weirder still after she got ran over by a truck. She barked for the next 8 years non-stop. I think it could have been some sort of record.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umzfEer-7So  <----watch!


I am not sure how much time she has left.  I am basking in her presence every moment I can.  My tears fall and I don't even know they are flowing. I went for a swim in the Pacific ocean today and it was cold but helped my grief. We are having a family dinner tomorrow night at my mom and dad's house because that is just the kind of family we are.  I intend to go for another swim in the cleansing waters of the ocean and also hold my baby niece close and whisper in her ear how much she is loved. 

I am not sure how much longer I can  keep blogging about this.  When going on a journey there is usually something at the end. This journey is a backward one.  We are on a journey but not going forward.  I don't want this journey to end but I want it to be over.  It is a mean and cruel journey this cancer.  It is rubbing it's hands in glee and laughing at all of us. If she is alive is is sad and painful.  If she dies if is sad and painful.  I go back and forth between wishing it was over and wanting her to stay.  What is the point of any of this?  I have never been a proponent of doctor assisted suicide but I am not sure anymore.  This is just cruel.  I would not let the family dog go through this.  And yet, how much more valuable is a human life than that of a dog?  But then what is the purpose of suffering?  I don't know anything anymore.  My thoughts are scattered and fleeting.  
In other news I did take my mom and dad's dog to the beach today.  He is a 13 year old chocolate Lab and that dog never gets tired.  Ever.  I threw the stick about 979 times and he still wanted more.  He gave me the saddest puppy dog eyes when I told him it was time to go home.  So of course I threw it more. Chocolate Labs perfect this look because they get droopy-eye syndrome when they get old.  He is a funny old dog.  He grunts and groans when I scratch his silky ears.  He always makes sure he checks on my mom several times a day.  He lays by her hospital bed in the living room.  I went to the bedroom to cry and he followed me in and just stared at me and licked my hand.  What a beautiful creature he is. 

Taking Care of Things

Spent part of the day with my mom today.  She is very, very tired.  We looked at pictures of her as a little girl and a young married woman.  She cried but was happy.  I asked her what she would like for her Celebration of Life and she suggested three songs and a poem written by her aunt.  She wants two different bible passages read.  She would like the service at the same church she and my dad were married.  She also gave me one of her rings.  It is a lovely diamond solitaire. My dad bought it for her about 20 years ago. 


I went swimming tonight.  The water is a good place to cry.  Nobody knows. 

 

Decline and Dragging

Over the last 30 hours my mom has declined quickly.  She got out of bed two nights ago (before my dad could get to her) and fell backwards and hit her the back of her head then fell forward and hit the front of her head.  A hospital bed is being brought in.  Home support is  providing service in the morning and the evening now. The Palliative nurse will come every morning.  All care is strictly centered around comfort.  Morphine is given every four hours.  The real dying is now underway.  She is now between 30 and 40% on the Palliative scale.  
My mom has lost so much weight.  I have never seen my mom this thin and frail.  People are emailing and calling and as much as I love them I no longer have the desire to speak of any of this.  Even this post taxes me.  I do it because I wanted to be able to deal with all the emotions that I am feeling.  The thing is I do not even know what I am feeling right now.  I just keep going. Both my kids had orthodontist appointments today.  My daughter got them off (finally!) and my son got them on.  I sat through both appointments and did what I was supposed to do.  I even went to the hardware store and looked at smoke detectors. They say life goes on but it feels more like life drags you along no matter what.

Well, that's just great!

I got my hair cut this afternoon,  It was a dreadful and awful cut.  (My usual stylist thought it a good idea to have a baby (a baby!) and go on maternity leave. She did not consult me first.  I then dyed my hair this evening.  It went way too dark.  I swear to you right now that I look like a mix between Leif Garrett (circa 1975) and Marilyn Manson.  Seriously, take the Leif Garrett style and make it dead black.  I can also tell you right now that I don't like either of them or their choice in hair styles. I tried to lighten my hair by dousing it with vinegar and all it did was make my eyes turn blood red. I think I have a mark on me to look shitty one way or another for the rest of my life.  I lose 10 pounds and then I turn myself into a love child named Leif Manson.  Or Marilyn Garrett.

 I should know by now not to attempt my own beauty treatments. I used to do my own eyebrows but I have learned.  Yes, the hard way. Lesson learned by way off ripping off the outer half of my left eyebrow.  There is no way to fix that mistake my friends. 


 You see, I am cheap,  Some will call it thrifty or frugal but no, I am just plain and simple a cheap person.  Why spend $13.95 to get my eyebrows waxed when  I can do it at home for about 17 cents?  Why spend $75.00 at the salon to colour my hair when I can do it myself for $6.47?  Sure it some of it ended up on the carpet (and the walls and the floor) but by god I am not about to waste good money on something  I can do myself.  (It is always referred to as good money by cheap people.)  I don't know what to do now.  I can't really hide.  I guess the only thing to do is spend another $6.47 and re-dye it!  


Tonight I would like to mention Jack Layton.  He was the leader of the New Democrat Party in Canada and he died this morning in his home at the age of 61 of cancer.  I sat in my car and cried when I heard the news.  He is a part of his final letter to his country. 

Dear Friends,

Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.

Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue...

A few additional thoughts:

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn't gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.

To the members of my party: ...we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years... There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government...


To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.

And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change... consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton

It is 9:07, damn it!

I am becoming a cranky woman.  The Exhibition is on right now.  It is a night for people of all ages to get together and eat cotton candy and go on rides.  Kids bring their farm animals and everyone has a grand time.  Except in my city it is a hang out for run-away meth addicted teens.  Crappy bands play that nobody has ever heard of.  It is about 4 kilometers away and I can hear the music.  It is far too loud!
  
To prove I am not cranky all the time I will tell you about the best meal I had tonight.  It was a wrap full of all sorts of beans and sprouts.  I also had a salad with more beans and sprouts and artichoke hearts.  It was at a local restaurant that sells healthy stuff.  I wish I could learn to cook like that.  I would consider becoming vegetarian if I could make meals like the one I had tonight.  I know I could never become a vegan as I like eggs, milk, cheese and fish too much.  And steak.  And ribs. Oh, I love chicken wings too.  Anyway. 


My mom is home now.  I should have mentioned this first.  The fluid that was in her lung that was supposed to be drained was not fluid at all but cancer.  Yeah.  Fuck.  My mom is very sad.  We all are.  The Palliative doctor is now saying weeks to months.  Which is better than the original diagnosis of 2 -3 months.  That was over 4 months ago now.  My brain can't think on this anymore right now.  


I have lost a total of 10 pounds.  I have been watching what I eat and going to the pool 4 times a week.  I feel good.  


My cat is having a nervous breakdown right now.  He wants to go outside.   When I was living in my condo he was not allowed to go outside because we were living too close to the highway.  Now he is 6 years old and has NO LIFE SKILLS to go outside.  There are about 75 neighborhood cats on our block alone.  Every night all the neighbors call their cats. We all stand outside calling the ungrateful bastards and none of them come when they are called.  It is actually really funny.   Anyway, Norbert will get the shit scratched out of him because he doesn't know how to fight.   He is a complete wuss.  Birds frighten him.  Every time our flag waves he hides.  So yes, he can't go outside.  He still wants to  out and carries on like he is dying.  I told him tonight that there are plenty of feral cats that would be happy to live his life and be more than happy to live inside and barf on the carpet everyday.  No looking for food and water.  It just magically appears in a bowl and if you don't like it you can go on a starvation diet until your owner caves and goes and buys the bag of cat food that costs $57.99 for a 10 pound bag.   I told him all of this and he just ran down the hall and hid under the bed.  


OK, I am off to bed.  Cranky old ladies need their sleep.  I doubt I will sleep because the music is still going and it is now 9:07. 

OK, you blessed blogging sisters have convinced me to forgive myself.  I called my family and apologized and they were so graceful and kind. (They said there was no need to apologize but we accept it even though it is not necessary.) And they understood.  I know I am too hard on myself.  I need to work on that.  Oh yes, I do. So thank you for reminding me that I can forgive.


So in other news I have been swimming lots, more specifically water jogging.  What a hard workout!  It burns over 450 calories in 45 minutes.  It is a great stress reliever too.  


My mom is still on the Palliative ward. She has cancer in her right lung now and her lung is filling with fluid.  She is having a it drained tomorrow. But, it will fill up again.  She seems to be doing well emotionally.  Her daughter falls apart every so often.  And she supports her.  What a lovely mom she is.

Shame and Grief

My mom is back the hospital.  The cancer is everywhere.  She is in the Palliative unit.  And to deal with it I did something that brought shame and embarrassment to my family. I drank way too much tonight at a family picnic.  I have no excuses.  I am not a drinker and 3 (large) glasses of wine hit me hard and fast.  Last thing I remember was getting sick in the sink.  I cannot even come close to admitting how much remorse and shame I feel.  I don't know how people who drink all the time deal with this shame.  What kind of person goes to a family picnic and vomits in the sink?
Do you ever come to a point where you feel everyone would be better off without you?  That is how I feel tonight.  I am not saying this to have people to tell me that I am a great person and I just made a mistake.  So, don't, please don't.  I just am such a weight to society.  Other than my kids, so many people would have an easier time to NOT have to deal with me.  Blip.  I am gone.  If it would not cause my kids so much pain for the rest of their lives I wish I could just be gone.

No Title Tuesday. Wait, it is Wednesday.

I really have very little to say. My mom is about the same.   She sleeps a lot,  eating very little.  They are both markers of the process of dying. A couple nights ago I couldn't fall asleep and had a panic attack.  I am so afraid of losing my physical mom.  She is a little shorter than I am.  She has always had very, very fair colouring as she has always stayed out of the sun. (No wrinkles but damn, what was the point?)  She has lost about 50 pounds in the last while but she was about my size as well.  I am going to miss my pale, soft hugging mom.  I fit so nicely in her arms, and I belong there. I am going to miss her hair.  I am going to miss her hands. I am going to miss her tiny little feet.  Oh god,  I am going to miss her voice!  What am I going to do when I can't call her anymore and hear her voice?  
I know all this dying is part of life.  I have accepted that she is going to die.  I don't have to like it.  In fact, I hate it. Anyway, this is life isn't it?  It is time for me to grow up and behave as an adult.


In other news I lost 6 pounds this week but I can't make myself care.  

Not much Posting Going on Here

I find it hard to sit myself down to post. The weather has been so nice and we have been out enjoying it.  Being from Vancouver island we get a LOT of rain.  We do live in a Rain Forest!  When it is not raining I walk around all confused and I don't know what to do with myself.  I am not a lover of sun on my skin so I stay in the shade.  No tan lines here!  We have been working very hard on the renovations on the house and we are getting close to the end.  
Today I purchased a beautiful second hand love seat.  It is so comfortable! Here are the pictures. It is a micro-suede double recliner.  I could sleep on it.  I am not very tall and I find a lot of sofas don't fit me in the right places.  This one is perfect! And the best part is I go it off Kijiji for only $125.00!           

Trying to lose some weight, well not some but rather a lot.  I have let myself get fat.  I am using SparkPeople. Awesome site when you get used to it.  I have a button over there ---> if you want to take a look. 

My mom has been very sick this week but we are coming up to the 4 month mark of being told she had 2 -3 months to live.  I went to see her the other day and I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  She rubbed my back and told me how much she loves me and that she will always be near.  She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her.  Oh, I need her here still!

OK, it is 2:30 am here and I am going to attempt to sleep again.

What About a Video Post?

I am still having a pretty shitty day.  Got up early to go to work.  By the time I was off I was at the point of not being able to breathe.  Anxiety.  Waves of depression. I drove to Hospice where I got the most lovely Reiki treatment by a woman that my mom used to baby-sit!  (She now does Reiki on my mom as well. She is a Reiki master and healer.  I sobbed as she rubbed my back and let me cry.  I was barely able to talk as I squeaked out my woes.  Her healing hands calmed me so I was at a point where I could accept Reiki.  She also told me about Sea Salt Lamps and told me that they would help me with sleep and my nightmares. (I also went to my doctor yesterday and he recommended me to a sleep clinic.  I have been having problems with sleep for years so I hope I get some results that will help.) I swear I am becoming one of those people that I used to think were New Age weirdos.  Reiki, rock salt lamps?  I regret all the years I did not believe in all the energy that the Earth has to help us. 

Anyway, I am very tired. It is damn hot and the humidity is at 80%.  The cats are near dead and sleeping in front of a little fan I set up for them.  Do you think they are grateful?  Bastards. I need to turn this hot lap top off. It is too HOT.  

PS- I am thinking of doing a video post! 


PSS- I would like to find the loser who invented bras.  I am taking mine off now.  I hate it!

That Black Dog

So, yes.  I suffer from depression.  Most days I am OK.  I have been fighting the black dog of depression for longer than I can remember, so I live with him.   What choice do I have? It takes more than it used to, to throw me into his snapping jaws.  But sometimes he waits behind a closed door and lunges at me out of nowhere.  I didn't see him coming tonight.  A conversation that still has not been resolved sent me into a corner feeling stupid, worthless and useless.  Some days I just want to crawl into that corner and let him win.  How long can you fight such a vicious creature?


  And I want my mom.  I am not the big girl you all think I am.  I am three.  I am three years old behind this door.  The world scares me so much, friends.  At times I don't know how I shall stand up against it.  Why does everything have to take so much work?  Besides the love I have in me, nothing is simple in my world.  I am scared.  I feel so alone at times.  Will this black shadow ever subside? How many anti-depressants does it take to make it easy?  Is this what the rest of my life if going to be like? 


My eyes are heavy from a life time of tears and fighting.  When did this dog show up anyway?  Was it when my biological father was physically abusing my mom, brother and me?  Did he show up then?  I know he was there before I entered Kindergarten.  I see him.  I was afraid of him then. Maybe he was there before I was born and I was genetically predisposed to having him as an unwanted pet.  


My life is not a movie my friends.  It is not a "Wonderful Life" where my angel shows up and shows me what the world would be like without me. Blip. Like turning off the TV I could be gone.  If only it were that simple.  God, at times I wish it was.  Right now.  Blip. Gone from this over-bright room.  Blip.


Ativan is on my nightstand.  I take one now tonight as I always do.  The black dog can't invade my dreams then.  Under my tongue.  The pain will subside shortly.  And then I will feel silly for writing these words.  But I know I must tell you and not hit delete. Because it will make me feel less alone.  And posting will make me feel less like a liar. And maybe as the Ativan plays the trick on my brain it will help others know they are not alone.  I know this black dog is not the only one in his litter.  There are many in his pack.  I know he shows up at your door.  I know he scares you too.  I know he makes you feel stupid and useless.  I know you sometimes wish you could just go 'blip" but you can't either.  You live with him.