I did it.  I put the down payment on a hot tub!  It is just a small one because I can't afford anything bigger and I really want a place to call my own.  My own little oasis.  I have been feeling so sad for so long now I thought I deserved to do something for myself.  A holiday ends (Hawaii would have been nice!) and this lasts many, many years.  I just have to have my sundeck reinforced which my dad is going to do for me then it is a go.  This is the first big purchase I have ever made.  I have never had enough money to do anything so I am pretty nervous and excited.  
It looks exactly like the one in the picture except I got a jet pack especially for neck and shoulders.  
OK, I am off to work. I need to stop at Tim Horton's so I don't fall asleep tonight.  I am so tired. 

A Day

I went to see my dad today.  He has been away pretty well since my mom died.  He told me he found a lump in his prostate.  He is waiting to get a biopsy.  Very likely cancer.  I can't go to that place right now.  All cancer means to me is suffering until you can't take it any more then more suffering.  When you want to die because you know no other life except cancer and suffering you suffer some more.  Then it strips you for any dignity.  Then you die.  Yes, I know I am being extreme but that is where I am at today.  When my mom was diagnosed I had total faith and hope that she would survive and beat it.  I won't do that again.  I choose to think nothing.  I choose to be numb to its insidiousness.  Anyway, I will let you know.  It takes a while to get biopsies in Canada (a downside of Universal Health Care).  He is waiting for the phone call from the hospital.


While I was there I picked up a few things that my mom wanted me to have.  A charcoal picture that was done by my great aunt.  There were also some antique knick-knacks.  They are sitting in my bay window now.  They make me glad.


It is my day off but I always find my first day off so exhausting It is hard working nights than switching to days.  I will be OK tomorrow.  I think I might book an aromatherapy massage for myself this week.  I have a union meeting this week too.  Fun!

I got these in the mail today!  I love crows as you know.  I also love this vintage owl.   I got them off Etsy. (Don't go there.  Don't!)  I need to stop looking at that site.  Some of the stuff there is so nice.  The only thing I don`t like it is all the writing on the site is super small and hard to read.  Maybe I need new glasses.  Bi-focals?  At what age do people get bifocals?


Last night I ordered a letter "T" for my laptop.  Norbert tore it off.  He did!  When I first got this laptop I was holding him and had a fit and ripped it off.   Of course he ripped off a good letter that is needed often.  He could not have gone after a Q or Z.  I think he did it on purpose.  He is rotten to the core.  So why do I love him so much?


Later that night... I am up and it is almost 4 a.m.  Fiancé is snoring so loud I can still hear him and I am on the other side of the house.  I am so tired!  I don't want to get separate beds but I am already having problems with going between sleeping nights and days.  I also don't sleep well even when I do sleep.  Oh well, he gets up at 4:30 for work then I can go to bed.

It Has Been 6 Months

My mom died 6 months ago this week.  It feels like yesterday.  No, that is not true.  It feels like today.  It feels like she died today.  Maybe I am just really, really tired.  I just finished three night shifts and  did not sleep well during the days.  Maybe it is because I have been sick.  Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back.  It feels as if the person I used to be is gone.  Or was she even ever there?  When I left my ex-husband I spent years finding out who I was and trying lots of different things that interested me. Little interests me now.  I am trying so hard, I really am. Please believe that.  I get up everyday and I try.   Everyday I try and yet most days I feel so sad and defeated.  Defeated.  Life has got the better of me and I don't have even a tiny bit left to deal with anything.  Even when I blog I am not being honest with you.  I say words that I think you want to hear.  It has got to the point where I don't care anymore.  My numbness is bigger than I am.  
My family has gone to its knees since my mom died.  My dad, my strong dad who has always been bigger than life is a shell.  He used to be the strongest man I know and always had the answer.  He is also lost and I have no way of helping him. My daddy is no longer strong and has no more answers than I do.  I don't see my brother and sister anymore.  We used to be such a strong family.  We were so close.  We used to never go more than a week without seeing each other.  I used to talk to my mom and dad at least once a day and saw them several times a week.  Now all  my family might as well be dead too.  It feels that way. Maybe we are. 
I never knew grief would be an impossible task.  I have been told I have been grieving too long and it is time to move on.  What am I to  move on to?  
Anyway, my kids are now in the room and I don't like them to see me sad.  My son is very sensitive and it hurts him.  I am going to go rest on my bed.  

Crap.  I have never bought anything from an infommercial before and now I am regretting that I did.  I bought an Ahh Bra an now I have read reviews and it is hated by a lot of people.  There are some people that love it but there are more people that hate it.  I am a small busted saggy baggy woman and it seems he people that hate it are larger busted but I am still worried. Why didn't I read the reviews first? It would be nice to find a bra I don't hate.  I will keep you posted.
Not much going on here.  It was sunny today but I was sleeping.  I am now off to work again and then I am on my days off.  

Update - When I first purchased the Ahh! Bra and tried it on I was somewhat impressed.  I am a B cup normally and thought the bra offered enough support.  As time has gone on I am less and less impressed.  Though the bra claims to never lose its shape but I am having doubts.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and was horrified!  My breasts had no support and I looked terrible.  My breasts were hanging down near my middle. I am constantly pulling at the bra to give myself a lift.  Another problem is they are thin and my nipples are always showing so I have to put a jacket or sweater on.  These bras are not worth the money.  Pass!

I Hab a Code

Have I used this picture before?  Probably.

I haven't had a cold in a long time.  I have one now and it is one of those colds where I have to breathe out of my mouth and there are about 150 Kleenex's around me.  The good thing about being sick is I can read blogs and not feel too guilty about sitting on the couch in pyjamas all day long.  I did go and get some groceries.  Did I remember to buy chicken noodle soup or a new case of Kleenex's?  No.  I did not.  Now I want chicken soup and I have about 30 Kleenex's left which will last me about an hour.  Days like this I miss my mom.  She would have come over with soup and the nice extra soft brand of Kleenex's.  She would have done my dishes and put a load of laundry in the washer. 

It seems almost everyone in blogland is talking about Spring.  It is still cold where I live.  No buds or blossoms anywhere.   It just keeps raining.  And if you think I need to buck up I can tell you that one can only take about 9 straight months of rain before going nuts.  Even the birds are in a bad mood.  I was watching them today and I saw them fighting.  Yes, I realize birds in hot climates do this too but I am convinced they are crabby because of the weather.

My Grandpa Used to Say...

Cute duck picture is from Cute Overload.  Go there
if you are ever feeling down.
http://cuteoverload.com/ 

Der spring is sprung 
Der grass is riz 
I wonder where dem boidies is? 

Der little boids is on der wing, 
Ain't dat absoid? 
Der little wings is on de boid! 


My grandpa used to love Spring.  And he would say this poem over and over.  I was only 9 when he died but I remember him saying this little poem and I remember how much he loved me.  When I was little I thought he wrote it. I am still not convinced he didn't.  I still don't know who did write it and I don't care. In my world he thought it up.  He did. 


I have been thinking about getting a dog (but don't tell Ms. Moon because she will think it is a horrible idea).  I have it narrowed down to a mixed breed.  A sort of terrier/poodle/lab thing.  When I tell people I am thinking of getting a dog I get mixed reviews.  One group of people think it is an excellent idea because pets bring healing.  The other group of people think it is a terrible idea because I should not be making any major decisions in the first year.
  
I am also saving up to buy a hot tub. The one I want is a hydrotherapy tub.  I want a small one because I am simply not the type to have a hot tub party however even a small one is going to be around $6000.00.  But here is the thing.  Before I got the job I am currently at I had been living below the poverty line.  I have been so poor in the past that I could not afford to buy food.  There are times when I could not afford to eat more than one meal a day.  I have always bought my clothes at thrift stores.  I had not been on a holiday in about 20 years.  Now I can afford the hot tub but I am afraid to spend the money.  What if I lose my job?  Unless you have lived in poverty it is hard to understand the fear of spending money.  I have lived in poverty before and it could happen again.  When you have lived in desperate times you learn desperation. Right now I am giving monthly donations to Hospice.  I promised myself if I ever had money I would support an organization I believed in but right now I can't seem to feeling OK about spending so much money on myself.  This is not a question of feeling whether or not I deserve this.  I have no problems with my self-worth.  It is not a question of need.  I know this purchase will be a good one.  I have suffered panic and anxiety my whole life and a hot tub is better than been addicted to ativan.   I know a hot tub will also help me sleep. Anyway, I have saved about 1/3 of the cost.  I guess I will see what happens. 


Now go to Cute Overload.

Further Proof of His Evil Reign

Before I moved, Norbert was always an indoor cat.  He wasn't allowed out even though he tried to escape daily.  I did not let him out because we lived on a highway and he would have ended up in the next town over in the grill of someone's car.  Back then I suspected he was Satan's father but now I know he is. 
Today he killed a bird.  After he brought it in the house and had great fun with it too. Feathers everywhere.  I know most of you are thinking no big deal, right?  It is a big deal!  I let flies out so I don't have to kill them!  I capture spiders and put them outside because I don't have it in me to kill something.  
And now this.  Let me tell you, he is very proud of what he has done.  He walks with a "you're next if you don't buy me soft cat food" swagger.  

I have owned a lot of cats and none have every killed things before.  No, I am wrong.  Norbert has killed spiders before too. Actually, he doesn't kill them.  He catches and releases over and over again.  The spider ends up with two legs begging to die.  At this point he eats the spider.  
I know he is practising for his ultimate kill.  Me. I know he secretly hates me.  Sure he snuggles up to me in bed and purrs but it is a ruse to deprive me of sleep and catch me off guard.
I don't know what to say about the bird.  Right now Norbert is walking around all bad-ass and proud of this addition to his rap sheet.  Bad cat.  

Cold Nose

This is not me but I love this nose warmer.  I don't know why but my nose is cold all the time. It has been cold for months.  It never gets warm.  It is cold to the point of distraction. I just had my thyroid tested so it is not my thyroid.  
I really am getting more and more weird as I get older.  Who the hell has a cold nose all the time?   I wish I could crochet so I could make a couple of these nose warmers.   


Anyway...


I still have another 6 weeks before I get my final results back from my sleep study.  I am so tired of being tired.  When I did the first sleep study 2 months ago the doctor said I wake up on average every 45 seconds which puts me as an extreme case for sleep deprivation.  


So with that, I am off to have a hot bath (to warm my nose) and then bed (because I am tired.)


PS- Holy shit!  Etsy sells nose warmers.  I think I should order a couple. 

Blogger Has Gone Nutty

I clicked a button on Blogger and everything has gone all nutty.  I have no idea how to get it back to normal.  Bah.  I am too tired to get it back.  I am going to go have a nap before work.  Incidentally, I do believe I work with the laziest person on the planet.   She told me she likes the night shift because it is quiet and she can smoke.  Yeah. Oh, don't forget that she can sleep for half her shift.  Now she has me to do her work.  Normally I would not do it but I really love what I do.  She does not like any of the elderly people she cares for.  In my opinion it is better she stays away.  I am honoured to care for people in a way she can't or won't.  
OK, now for a nap. 

Eddie -  I hope your heaven is filled with a never-ending supply of balls to chase and oceans to swim.  

Eddie (my dad's dog) had to be put down today.  He was the sweetest dog that I have ever known.  He would chase balls for hours on end, tiring our entire family out.  He couldn't be kept out of any body of water and loved to dive and swim.  A loving  and faithful dog. A good friend. You will be missed.  Thanks for being such a great dog.