I am trying to post everyday. I wonder if getting things down here will keep the Black Dog away. Probably not. It is worth a try. Usually when I get depressed I will mention it here on my blog but won't go into detail about why I am feeling down. It feels like it is always the same thing and it is redundant to always be writing it down. meh I don't know.

Actually, to be honest I am feeling overwhelmed right now.  Last night my son (he is 17) told me that he hates everything and he doesn't want to live. He said he is not suicidal. He doesn't to kill himself but he doesn't want to live. Oh, this is a statement only someone with depression can understand fully. We talked for a long time and he told me why he doesn't want to live and I understand, I truly do. He is in his last year of high school. It is the adult world soon and he is totally freaking out. His dad does not help, in fact he makes it worse. Every time my son goes to visit his dad rags on him about getting a job, his drivers licence, better grades and on and on and on. The ironic this is his dad lives in the attic of his mother-in-law's house and only works seasonally as a painter. Maybe he wants better for his son but his dad needs to take some of his own advice at bettering his life and stop trying to live his lost dreams through his kids. And the real pisser is his dad has never taken any interest in his education. He has never once did homework with him. He has never gone to a parent/teacher interview. He has never paid a cent for the private school education my kids are receiving. All that has been done by me. With regards to my son getting his driver's license, I am going to be paying for driving classes. His dad? He doesn't think it is necessary and is a waste of time and money. Anyway, are you still with me? My son is depressed. He feels hopeless and useless. And yes. according to my son I am to blame as well. He thinks I am too critical. Though I understand and accept what he is feeling I am also miffed because I have done everything humanely possible to see that both my kids turn into strong, solid and loving people. I am the one that takes them to/from school everyday, sat up with them when they have been sick, listened and reasoned with them when they have had a bad day, paid thousands for extra-curricular activities and a private education, made meals, scrimped and saved to put meals on the table, did laundry, cleaned the house, driven them places, played with them, disciplined, and loved them. All his dad has done is pay his monthly child support but even that has not been consistent. (Oh, he pays the same amount that he has been paying for 12 years now...$254.00 a months for 2 kids. Nice deal, eh?)

So I am totally freaking out and sad and worried. Part of me is terrified but part of me wonders what else I can do. Seriously. What else can I do? My son's father constantly puts him down and I have to deal with it. My son says I am too critical because I expect too much when he does his chores. I am only trying to get my kids to understand what the real word is like! In the real world bosses are a lot more critical than I will ever be. My god, I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I am going to get my son to a doctor A.S.A.P. and see if there are any hotlines to call. I will do what needs to be done. I am wondering if I can not allow my son to visit his dad. He is 17 and is able to make his own decisions.

OK, that is all. I feel so defeated. Where did I go wrong? I am too tired to proofread this so I hope it makes sense. Mental illness is a bitch. 

And I know this is not all about me. But I still feel crappy about all of it. 

Uneventfulness

That is today. Totally uneventful. I took time off work because I am "legally impaired" for 24 hours. Being impaired sounds fun instead of feeling really tired, which I am. Seriously, I did nothing today except read blogs and sleep. And watch Netflix. 

It has been so rainy here. And dark and gloomy. It is time to bring out the S.A.D. lamp. Usually we have nice weather into the beginning of October but drat it all, summer appears to be over. All our tomatoes are still green on the vine. 

What is it about being under anesthetic that makes you feel so crappy? And what do they actually do to you when you are under? It feels like I have been given an uppercut to the jaw and my neck and back are sore. I was under for maybe 30 minutes. Did they roll me off the table and down the hall for fun? Were they dropping heavy objects on my body to see how much bounce my fat has? Do the tie me to strings like Mrs. Kwan and use me as a marionette? That actually would be funny. 

OK, it is 7:35 and late enough to finally go have a bath then go to bed. 

Mean Hospital Gown Lady

Well, I had the cystoscopy today which showed nothing out of the ordinary which is good and not good. Good because that part of my body is fine. Not good because what the hell is going on?

Anyway, as always I was doing a blog post in my head the entire time. I arrived at 12:40 and then this is how is went.

First I put on the damn gown and was told my surgery was at 2:00. Just over an hour wait, not too bad. Ha! I sat and waited and waited and waited. There was nasty old lady also waiting and reading a book. Friendly Birdie says, "Oh, I loved that book! It is a great series". She curtly replied, "Yeah" and then went back to her book. It was then I decided to not like her because we are both sitting in hospital gowns and it pretty much levels the playing field. The least she could have done was smile. But no. And I also did not like her because her gown was nicer than mine. It was pretty for a hospital gown. It looked like something you would see while SCUBA diving in the Caribbean. And she didn't move at all. I was totally uncomfortable and kept having to rearrange my body every six seconds. Ms. "Better Than Me" woman uncrossed her legs and crossed them again only once. Who does that while sitting for two and a half hours? Sickies that's who. I think she was disgusted with me. 

Then there was this sound. I think it was the sound of someone's brain being sawed open but I am not sure. It freaked me out but only just a little because it wasn't my brain. 3:30 finally rolls around and by this time I have had nothing to eat or drink for 18 hours. A nurse walked by and I shouted that I was going to get Beriberi or Rickets if I didn't eat soon. OK, I didn't do that but I thought it. No, that is a lie too but I was getting really hungry. It brought some satisfaction that only fat people can get with the knowledge of surviving a partial Ice Age without eating. 

I have to say that all the staff were just so wonderful, some even downright entertaining and funny. One nurse accidentally lost me because she was not informed that they moved me to a different O.R. We had a good laugh about that because when they moved me I was wondering if they had told her.

Anyway, procedure done and woke up all relaxed and without a care in the world. I had to pee but I really didn't give a shit. The lovely nurses gave me not one but two warm blankets and I went back to sleep.

After my allotted time I was send home and my was so hungry. My husband made me roast and potatoes with gravy. I ate two helpings

So here I am. Groggy and sleepy but not any worse for wear. And I did not steal a hospital gown this time! 

Evil Rabbits, Flowers and Hospital Bracelets

Diablo

The rabbit we are currently looking after is proving to be more diabolical that Norbert. How is that possible? Norbert has met a challenge! My daughter went to feed the rabbit this morning and it actually lunged and tried to bite her. Here it is looking all innocent and cute but it is actually a savage beast.

Here is the rose bush I planted a while back all bloomy and as it should be.

Yes, it is almost time to plant these. Where did the summer go? It goes so much faster than winter. It really does.

Yesterday I had to go get blood work for my cystoscopy tomorrow. The nurse put on this plastic hospital bracelet and told me I had to keep it on until tomorrow. Umm...no. I am not walking around with a hospital bracelet. Everyone will think I am on a day pass from the mental ward. (Which is not an unreasonable thing to think.) Instead I wiggled and bent my hand in half and removed it. Except when I put it back on I put it on upside down and now have to take it off and put it back on again. 

We got the Sears Christmas Wish Book today. WTF? 

This is my life, dear friends. This is my life. 

(Oh, and how am I feeling today? Worse cramps I have had in 25 years. A hysterectomy can't come to soon. After I took a prescription strength pain killer I fell asleep. Other than that I am feeling at about 60%.)

Hello folks! I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl!

Today I am feeling OK. Actually a little better than OK. About 1% above OK. And that is just divine. Taking into consideration I am having wicked cramps and am PMS-ie that is saying a lot. My apologies to Joe who is (I think) the only male the reads my blog. You must grow weary of our hormone posts. 

Anyway...

I am back in the creepy building again and tonight I actually had to go to the basement. It wasn't as terrible as it has been in the past but it feels lonely down there. It is a place dreams are made of. Sad dreams. Anyway, I didn't get hauled off by ghost. I do wonder just how many people have died in this building. No doubt the answer could be in the hundreds.

Anyway...

As I further educate myself of my very low iron and vitamin D I am finding out all sorts of things. Tonight I purchased this product. Organic Unsulphured Molasses. Years ago I learned that it is very healthy, especially for breastfeeding women. I thought I would investigate it again and not only is it high in iron, it is also high in calcium, B-6 and magnesium. It is also considered to help thyroid and hair and nail growth. It is also a healthy "sugar". Seriously, look this stuff up!

To recap because you might be interested but mostly so I don't forget. My Naturopath has me doing this...

• Thyroid medication taken the same time everyday 30 minutes before a meal. (She said if I do nothing else, do this.)
• 2 Harmony Menopause 2 x daily
• 2 high quality fish oil (made from sardines)  2 x daily. 
• 4000 iu of liquid Vitamin D. 
• 1 tablet daily of Iron with meals .   

I know a lot of you feel like I do. Just lousy all the time. If you have any way of getting to a Naturopath I really encourage you to do so. You can't just do what I (or your sister or neighbor) am doing  is doing and expect to feel better. Your situation is unique. I am far, far away from feeling really good but in just over a month I see changes. There are times now when my head isn't in that constant fog. That in itself is amazing. 

That's What She Said

The only reason I am posting this picture of myself is because it is the first time in many, many years that I have not had acne. I have been plagued with acne since I was 13. That is almost 30 years! I started seeing a naturopath last month and I finally have mostly clear skin.  I am at work right now in the creepy building and yes, I am allowed to be online. My job is very quiet when I am here. Anyway, clear skin. Something that everyone else takes for granted but I am doing a happy dance. There is still a lot of scars but I am OK with that. And, as I said before, my cravings for crap foods are disappearing and I am eating healthier foods. Though I have not lost any weight my clothes are fitting looser. 

Do you ever have an alter-ego turn up? It doesn't happen to me often but she showed up tonight. When I work nights I often go to the grocery store before my shift. Tonight I grabbed my cart, did my shopping, paid and went to my car. The store was getting ready to close for the night so the cart guy was gathering the carts. I was bringing my cart to the guy and was just going to shove it at the end of the line. I said to him, "Does it go in backwards?" And then I said, "Ha! That's what she said!" The guy started laughing and said he can't say things like that. Then normal me came back and I told him I was really sorry and how inappropriate that was. That just made him laugh harder. I slunk to my car and offered another apology and got in my car. I could still hear his laughter after I closed the door. Ug! What was I thinking?

An Award and Other Stuff

I just received and award from lovely Leeanna at Can We Have a New Witch Ours Melted. So thank you! I am supposed to come up with 7 things about myself. 

1. This February I will have been blogging for 10 years. This is my third blog. I change my blogs when I feel a chapter in my life has closed. My other blogs are still out there on the Internet. 

2. I love the Ungrateful Bastard very, very much. He still could care less but I don't mind. 

3. I was named after my great grandmother.

4. I have a Snoopy and Woodstock tattoo on my ankle.

5. I often dream about having telekinesis. 

6. My family has lived in the same city for 159 years. 

7. I can't believe how hard it is to come up with 7 things!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Wednesday I have to go to the hospital and be sedated so I can have another cystoscopy. I do not want to be sedated because I know I am going to be tired for days afterwards. I know more surgery is going to be involved. 

Summer is definitely winding down. Though it was hot today the sun is going down much earlier. It was dark when I left for work this evening. I love the cooler weather. Soon it will be time to have a fire going and wrap up in blankets at night. No need to rush things though. Our winters here in the pacific northwest are long enough. 

PS-  Suey has either ran away, been stolen or pignapped. She is no longer in the pea patch. I am not offering a reward for her safe return. 

Hateful Bunnies are a Real Thing!

I am trying my hardest to post everyday so I have some sort of record to look back on. I then report to my Naturopath. And my god, I love this woman. Gentle, caring and nurturing. She makes me feel that it is OK to not feel OK.

So here is the thing. Your blood work can be totally fucked up but unless it is really off your doctor won't catch it. The medical system has guidelines as to what they think is normal. And each test is looked at individually. According to my doctor, my blood work is fine. Except that it isn't. Both my iron and Vitamin D are at the lowest they can can possibly be before they get flagged. Add low iron and low D and you get me. Very, very tired with a crap load of other symptoms. The main symptom is feeling like crap almost every single day. Anyway, she has put me on supplements and she is thinking I will start to feel better in about a month. I am also taking something called Harmony Menopause and 4 doses a day of a high quality fish oil. After being on the Harmony for only a month I am finding my breasts are not as sore and my acne is a teeny bit better. Now, as I work to get my iron and vitamin D to a normal place I am really hoping I start to feel normal. Oh, I also am finding my food cravings are not as intense. 

Anyway, here is this...OK, never mind  My daughter is looking after a bunny for a friend and I went to take a picture of it but my camera battery is dead. Here is this instead. Taken off the Internet so I know I am not alone. 

Let me tell you something about bunnies. They are very cute to look at but can be meaner than Old Nick himself. If you just go near her food dish she attacks by lunging at your hand. I am just trying to feed you, you mean fuck. It is scary! When she wants attention she rattles the bars of her cage until you pet her. When you open the cage she will make every attempt to escape and then go way under the bed and wait and will come out in her own time. And the mess! There are trails of sawdust all over the house. My daughter vacuumed late this afternoon and it needs to be done again. Apparently bunnies live 9 or 10 years. And if you don't believe me do a Google search on aggressive rabbits.  I should have paid attention when my friend told me she was mean. And who is afraid of a rabbit? Well, I am. I am keeping the door to the room closed because she is right up there with hating as the Ungrateful Bastard. I don't know which one is more evil and malevolent. 

I will leave you this in closing. My daughter Skyped me this message. 
[11:46:59 PM]: When I try putting new sawdust in the cage she lunges back and gives me a dirty look. I guess she doesn't want sawdust in that area.

Before I had Children of My Own

20 years ago I sort of cringed at the thought of having children. I had always wanted kids but when I started looking at my nieces and nephews I was horrified. These kids were always hopped up on sugar and video games. They screamed until they got their own way. One of them was on Ritalin. They never, ever said thank you for gifts. I loved them but I dreaded seeing them. 

Another thing that held me back was my step-brother dying when I was 8 and he was 9. His death was unexpected. He went to bed one night a healthy and active boy and was dead the next afternoon.. The autopsy stated, "acute encephalitis". Even though his death happened almost 35 years ago, my dad still misses and aches for his boy every single day.

Suffice it to say that I was not really excited about having kids. I knew I wanted a family but there were just so many things that could go wrong. Even having a son scared me because my brother had been totally out of control until he went into recovery when he was 22.

My (now ex) husband and I thought we would give it a try. I got pregnant 45 seconds later. I gave birth to a great big son that proved to be an old soul the second I laid eyes on him. The son I dreaded having was a quite boy who loved to do puzzles, read books and watch Dudley the Dragon. He was always a snuggler and would sit for hours with anyone that would take the time to read him a story or play a game with him. He followed me everywhere. He was a total joy and still is.

My (now ex) husband and I decided to try again. My son was 13 months old I was still breastfeeding but thought what the hell! I was pregnant 15 seconds later. (We didn't have time for foreplay like the first time. There was a 13 month old in the house.) This time I got my girl. She came out madder than a wet hen. She cried long and loud and did not stop for 2 1/2 years. And breastfeeding! She only wanted breast milk until 18 months. She was a tiny and wiry. She loved her Mama and no one else would do. She was the child that changed everything I thought I knew about the family bed. She would not sleep by herself. She did not just cry. It was a mournful grieving cry. I didn't have it in me to let her cry. She came to sleep beside me. She had a lot of health problems and we had one appointment of another 5 days a week. 

Both my kids now are growing up. My son is going to be 18. He has a job now and comes home smelling like a man. My daughter is soon to be 16. She has such a strong sense of self. She wants to work with children with disabilities. 
What I love both about my kids is how close we are. They send me songs and song lyrics. They tell me their problems and their joys. They give me a hug every night before bed. My son will actually give me a hug at school in front of his friends. 

I have always called them my chickadees. One thing that always makes me smile is just how much they still act like chickadees. When we go grocery shopping they follow me around the store and stay really close. They usually end up tripping over me. It blesses me. Even though they are growing they still want to be with their mom. Another thing I love is they still call me, "Mama". I thought they would give it up years ago but it seems that beautiful tender word is here to stay. 

Here they both are getting ready to be in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. My son played the Pharaoh. 

Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I did not have kids. Who is to say? I just know they are my greatest achievement. Both are kind, gentle and caring souls.I have never had a call from their school with any problems. In fact, I have had calls just to tell me how nice they are. For instance my daughter volunteered 3 lunch breaks a week for 2 years to play with a little girl with Down syndrome. Once I got a call from my son's teacher's aide because she couldn't believe how polite he was. They send thank you notes for gifts received. I raised them many years on my own when we could not afford food never mind cable tv or video games. (Proof that living in poverty can turn into something good.) I am so proud of both of them. 

Day 23...So tired

Last night I went to bed tired and woke up even more tired. How is that possible? I got up and was just dragging so had a nap that did nothing to make me feel any better. I haven't even done anything today but my body feels like it has been drained of anything good. My head is in a fog. Everything feels heavy. My heart is missing beats and everything is achy. And of course I am teary and that evil Black Dog of Depression is inside the house. He is sitting on my lap. I hate him. 

http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/send_a_text/bd_days/

I just wish I had more support for days like these. My husband has barely talked to me and won't when I get like this. He doesn't understand how much worse it makes it. He gets angry when I am down. I used to try to talk to him but have sort of given up on that because he just gets angrier. When I am fine, he is fine. 

Seriously, right now my chest hurts so much I feel like I am having a heart attack. The tears running down my cheeks tell me otherwise. Not a heart attack, just anxiety and depression. 

I saw my Naturopath today and it is nice to have someone understand and not think I am just a pain in the ass or making this up. It turns out my Vitamin D and iron and really, really low but she thinks stress is causing the majority of my problems.

Anyway, I have nothing else to say. So very tired. 

Self Care...meh

At this very moment I am hormonal and cranky. My naturopath had me keep track of my cycle this month and let me tell you, day 22 is not a happy one. I wanted to do some self-care today but the whole day has been housework and caring for other people and things. In 30 minutes my daughter wants me to drive her to youth group then pick her up again at 9:00. I don't want to. But I will because I have nice kids and I hope to keep them that way. She could be out running around with bad kids but instead she is going to a church sponsored youth group. Oh, but I am so tired and just want to stay home. Even writing these words is taxing and going to bed right now at 6:05 sounds so nice. 

It is 1:45 a.m and I have just woken up from a nightmare. To silly to write down but definitely full of scary things that had me covered in sweat. Trying to come to wakefulness as one comes to the surface of water, a large gasp when you make it. Actually, it is not silly that dream. It is just too upsetting to write about and think about again. It makes me too vulnerable. I don't like vulnerable. My whole life I have been told that I am too sensitive so sharing a nightmare makes me vulnerable. Instead I have soothed my self with food. Ramen noodles and a cup of hot chocolate. Ramen noodles have to be the unhealthiest food on the planet but my grandma used to make them for me when I was little. It is funny because my cousin Derek still eats them in private. Grandparents have all sorts of ways of keeping up close after they leave this planet. 

I forgot to mention that I finally put up my cuckoo clock and she is working fine. I lock her in at night and let her out again in the morning. She prefers this so she can get a good night sleep instead of having to get up every 1/2 hour. 

Well, that is it. I am going to have my Ramen noodles and hot chocolate then have a hot bath. I will then attempt to sleep. 

Stay tuned later today for a post on Norbert's birthday party!

Here is Norbert's favourite place, inside a laundry basket. He is doing his "devil eyes" here. 


Driving to work tonight was not enjoyable. It is down an old country road with a speed limit of 60 km. I go about 70 but unless you go 90 you get tailgated. There is never any police radar so you can go however fast you want. And everyone wants to go faster than I go. I have always been a cautious driver and have never had a speeding ticket. But these asses that drive fast piss me off. Slow down, people! I always end up pulling over so they can go by. 

I have been so tired the last few days. I wish I could just sleep and sleep and sleep. PMS is part of the problem but I also just need a holiday. Doing palliative care is so draining. And the fact I work nights makes it even more draining. I don't really remember the last time I did any self-care. I can't even think of anything to do if I did. Is this how the rest of my life is going to be? 

I get up in the evening

And I ain't got nothing to say

I come home in the morning

I go to bed feeling the same way

I ain't nothing but tired

Man I'm just tired and bored with myself....

I check my look in the mirror

I want to change my clothes, my hair, my face

Man I ain't getting nowhere

Yup that is how I feel. 

That damn cursor mocks me. It blinks and blinks as I try to come up with some sort of post. Posting about my job is out because of the issue of confidentiality so that eliminates about 50% of my life right there. (I work in palliative care for patients that want to die at home.) There is little doubt in my mind that you are all tired of hearing about my hormones, chin hairs and battles with depression. Maybe I need a vacation. 
Here is something. It was 8 years ago this week that the Ungrateful Bastard came into our lives. I should give him a party but he would hate that. 
So, because I am without a post I am reposting a post from my old blog that I wrote in 2005. 

I got a Costco membership today. It was paid for by my place of business. I seriously wonder how people come out of there with money still in their bank account. Who doesn't need a 250 piece screwdriver set? Or Tylenol in a box of 5,000? Who could pass up 2,000 paper plates? Sheesh! All I got was stuff that I actually use everyday like a drum of mayo that had to be rolled out to my car. I also picked up a case of pudding that needed to held down with a bungee cord to the roof. Honestly, I don't remember what I got. I just remember seeing great prices and knowing there was no way in the world I could pass up on Oregano in a barrel for $6.49!

I steered through the isles that are 30 feet wide but you still can't get your buggy through.
I waited behind people mesmerized by the lady cooking sausages on a stick. As she put them out the entire store converged on her. I would have slapped their greedy hands with my spatula!

Oh the cashier was a pleasant man. Ha! The Costco Nazi is more like it! He frowned when I did not have the coupon ripped out of the coupon book as he rung through facial cleanser that I will be using until I am 85. He "reminded me for next time" that they only accept one coupon per household for all items in the coupon book. I could tell I had pushed his patience to the limit when I slid my bankcard through the interact machine backwards.

As I headed for the door with my cart overflowing I snapped at my boyfriend and kids to hurry up before I freaked out. I thought I was home free! A man with a grim look stopped me. I felt like confessing something but I didn't know what. He looked at my cart and me. He eyed it suspiciously as he ripped the receipt from my 100 pack of facecloths. He waved us on but I think he suspected I had a wide screen TV hidden in my purse. I walk out. Freedom! Not so fast you Costco virgin! You have to load all this shit in your car now. No bags! I load it all into my car. My kids jump and grab the Goldfish and break the bag open in the parking lot. I say through gritted teeth "GET....IN...THE...CAR" They knew by the steely tone that they should do as bidden. Driving away I can hear 45 cans of chilli rolling around in the trunk. I am happy to be home. Am I going back next again? Hell ya!

And, so...

Yesterday I was reading the newspaper and found out a cousin of mine died. He was 47. For me, it is not a case of "sorry for your loss" because I had not seen him in about 25 years. The saddest part of his death was he broke his parents hearts by his addicted and drunken lifestyle. My cousin was not a nice person. He was living proof that love does not conquer all. I do not know yet how he died but my guess is either an overdose or suicide. His elderly parents have been waiting for this to happen for so long and my heart aches for them. If we do move on after death I hope he is finally finding peace. Addiction and alcoholism are nasty diseases. 

When I was sitting yesterday staring into the abyss I decided to take my daughter to Coombs. Coombs is a tiny village of about 3 residents. Okay, that isn't true but it is really small and if you blink you will miss it. I did miss it in fact because my daughter and I were talking up a storm and I missed the turn-off...twice. I said, "I trust you won't mention this to anyone". The whole point of going to Coombs is the (once awesome) market. The market has goats living on the roof. It used to be a fun place to go but since they last time I was there they took away the produce section and replaced it with canned goods from all over the world. The rest of the market is full of crap Made in China that is way overpriced. It was a disappointment because the market has been there for about 40 years and it was always a fun place to go in the summer. Ah, well. Things change I guess. I did have a grand old time with my daughter and that was the whole point of the drive. 

Can you believe it will be two years next month since my mom died? It seems like yesterday. It hurts still like yesterday but I suppose I have learned to live with the ache. I do have times where I cry so hard I can't breathe but more often now I just sigh. A sigh that comes deep from within with a knowing I can't do a thing about it. Which is the whole way of grief. It can hurt so bad but there is nothing we can do about it. The tree I planted in her memory is growing like a weed and is so healthy. I looked up a few days ago and noticed a new blossom. Proof that life goes on. 

And my shoulder is still very sore and I might not be able to work tomorrow night. I actually think I hurt it last week moving the patient I am supposed to see tomorrow. 

Suey is Still Alive...For Now

I woke up this morning with a sore shoulder and wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. I did get up however, took some ibuprofen and sort of stared in the abyss for a while, ate breakfast around noon, stared into the abyss for a while more, read blogs and plotted the demise of the Piggy Bank. Your suggestions made me laugh so hard. I was seriously considering killing the old sow but now I just feel kind of bad because she is the oldest thing from my childhood and look at that face. 

But I did do this with her.

She is now living outside in the pea patch. She was happy to not be dead. In fact, she looks quite happy to be in there. See her smile?

I am wondering when my husband will notice her because he has a particular disdain for ceramics in the garden. He has worked for Canada Post since they used a horse and buggy and it gets his ire up when he has to walk over garden gnomes to deliver mail. The older they are the more gnomes they have. Anyway, Suey is hidden in the peas for now. 

And here is a picture of a garden that I did all by myself. This was an awful weed patch full of invasive ivy that I pulled and pulled. The garden mirror was an idea I got from Linda's blog. This woman has a garden that I truly 

covet. 

Sooie!

 This is "Suey". She is a ceramic pig. She was given to me by my aunt about 40 years ago. She used to have long fake eyelashes that my cousin brazenly ripped off because she wanted to wear them.  I do not like her or want her but I have never had the courage to get rid of her. Why? Because my aunt's name is on the bottom and her name is very, very unusual (I think my grandma invented it herself) and if anyone ever saw Suey in a thrift store my aunt would find out. Incidentally, Suey is a "piggy" bank. You put her money in the pocket. She is about a foot and a half tall. 

I don't have the heart to throw her in the garbage so she has followed me over the years in many moves then gets promptly put into storage. The other day I was getting some items from our shed and I found her. Fuck, I said. I brought her into the house because I knew she would finally have a use after all these years. A blog post. Maybe I should have a blog "giveaway" but she would probably cost a fortune to ship and I highly doubt anyone would want her. Poor pig. 

Murderer!

Isn't this a position in yoga?

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you will know I don't kill bugs. I let flies out of the house and catch and release spiders. It just seems so pointless to kill them when they are just doing what they were born to do. But I do have exceptions to the rule. One is that of mosquitoes. God gave me a Superpower when it came to mosquitoes. All I have to do is snatch them out of the air to dead them. It brings me much delight! The other exception is wasps, hornets and yellow-jackets. I hate them. They have ruined many a good time for me and it brings me pleasure to kill them. The other day we discovered a wasps nest just outside our front door inside a rock wall so my husband brought me a can of wasp killer and I had a great time!  I sat inside the house with the screen closed with just a small opening for the can and sprayed them.  They were all, "My queen! My queen!" but I kept at it. As of today there are only a few left and I will have to buy some more Raid but as my husband said, it gives them something to think about. Sometimes I wonder if reincarnation is real and what type of person you would have to be to come back as a wasp.

A Wednesday Drive

We went for a drive today and here are some of the things we saw. 

Moorecroft Beach

Rocky West Coast

A Strange Rock

Someone's Handiwork

A Creepy Fucking Doll Wrapped in a Plastic Bag

The doll was at a thrift store and two ladies were looking at it saying that they felt bad for it and all it needed was a little love. First of all, it has no legs and it needs more than a little love. Second of all, that plastic bag is the only thing keeping the entire planet from Armageddon. 

I also saw this picture and thought it was so funny I almost peed my pants. Which would have been a perfect case of irony.  Seriously, though. My inability to hold my pee is not getting better after my surgery. It is getting worse and I am probably going to need another surgery. It pisses me off. When I have to go it comes on really sudden and I have to sit like a deer in the headlights and I can't move (or breathe) until the urge passes. Kegals do fuck all. I then have about 12 seconds to find a bathroom. There are no second chances with this bitch from nature. It is do or die. Go pee in a toilet or I will force you piss where you stand. I am however thinking of renaming my blog.

 "Please Excuse the Smell of Urine"

Or not. But come on already. I  have posted more than my fair share of posts about peeing myself. 

Just now our weird neighbours just walked by. When God told us to love our neighbours he probably didn't mean these people. They bought the house a year ago and we are not sure if they live in the house or not. This is the same neighbor that tapped (you have to read the part about tapping for this to make sense) on old bricks for the last year. Every. Single. Day. Now he is ripping all the windows out of the house and has covered them up with leftover roofing tiles. It is a serious clusterfuck. (see definition # 2 - 5)  I want to yell out, "WHY?" but that would make me the weird neighbour and I am doing my damnedest to keep that a secret. 

OK, that is all. I need to go and pee. 

Up a Few Points

Feeling slightly better today. Yesterday I slept in the afternoon for 3 hours. I don't know what comes first, the anxiety/depression or the tiredness. Oh well, I did sleep. Woke up thinking I could have kept on sleeping but I got up and did stuff. 

Yesterday I was reading this book. You can get it through Amazon but if you are cheap thrifty like me you can get it here.  It is a different sort of book based on the experience of other women, women who are struggling but making it through. Throughout the book there are little notes from other women about how they are feeling. Some are funny, others sad or angry. But all truthful and heartfelt. This book helps me to feel normal. One of the notes I loved the most was a woman looking at a picture of her grandmother and she says, "what sticks in my mind is the slightly worried tilt of her eyebrows.  Sometimes when I pass a mirror I am stuck by the resemblance. I would never Botox my grandmother away."  I have to agree with this woman. I look in the mirror and see my mom and my grandmothers. Wrinkles, yes.  But I loved these woman with their wrinkles and I don't mind looking like them.  Now if I can just remember this the next time I look in a mirror!

Here are some pictures from our yard. 

Does anyone know what this flowering shrub is called?

Well, I should go outside and do a bit  lot of weeding. Going for lunch/early dinner this afternoon and should try to go to do something productive today.