Before I had Children of My Own

20 years ago I sort of cringed at the thought of having children. I had always wanted kids but when I started looking at my nieces and nephews I was horrified. These kids were always hopped up on sugar and video games. They screamed until they got their own way. One of them was on Ritalin. They never, ever said thank you for gifts. I loved them but I dreaded seeing them. 

Another thing that held me back was my step-brother dying when I was 8 and he was 9. His death was unexpected. He went to bed one night a healthy and active boy and was dead the next afternoon.. The autopsy stated, "acute encephalitis". Even though his death happened almost 35 years ago, my dad still misses and aches for his boy every single day.

Suffice it to say that I was not really excited about having kids. I knew I wanted a family but there were just so many things that could go wrong. Even having a son scared me because my brother had been totally out of control until he went into recovery when he was 22.

My (now ex) husband and I thought we would give it a try. I got pregnant 45 seconds later. I gave birth to a great big son that proved to be an old soul the second I laid eyes on him. The son I dreaded having was a quite boy who loved to do puzzles, read books and watch Dudley the Dragon. He was always a snuggler and would sit for hours with anyone that would take the time to read him a story or play a game with him. He followed me everywhere. He was a total joy and still is.

My (now ex) husband and I decided to try again. My son was 13 months old I was still breastfeeding but thought what the hell! I was pregnant 15 seconds later. (We didn't have time for foreplay like the first time. There was a 13 month old in the house.) This time I got my girl. She came out madder than a wet hen. She cried long and loud and did not stop for 2 1/2 years. And breastfeeding! She only wanted breast milk until 18 months. She was a tiny and wiry. She loved her Mama and no one else would do. She was the child that changed everything I thought I knew about the family bed. She would not sleep by herself. She did not just cry. It was a mournful grieving cry. I didn't have it in me to let her cry. She came to sleep beside me. She had a lot of health problems and we had one appointment of another 5 days a week. 

Both my kids now are growing up. My son is going to be 18. He has a job now and comes home smelling like a man. My daughter is soon to be 16. She has such a strong sense of self. She wants to work with children with disabilities. 
What I love both about my kids is how close we are. They send me songs and song lyrics. They tell me their problems and their joys. They give me a hug every night before bed. My son will actually give me a hug at school in front of his friends. 

I have always called them my chickadees. One thing that always makes me smile is just how much they still act like chickadees. When we go grocery shopping they follow me around the store and stay really close. They usually end up tripping over me. It blesses me. Even though they are growing they still want to be with their mom. Another thing I love is they still call me, "Mama". I thought they would give it up years ago but it seems that beautiful tender word is here to stay. 

Here they both are getting ready to be in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. My son played the Pharaoh. 

Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I did not have kids. Who is to say? I just know they are my greatest achievement. Both are kind, gentle and caring souls.I have never had a call from their school with any problems. In fact, I have had calls just to tell me how nice they are. For instance my daughter volunteered 3 lunch breaks a week for 2 years to play with a little girl with Down syndrome. Once I got a call from my son's teacher's aide because she couldn't believe how polite he was. They send thank you notes for gifts received. I raised them many years on my own when we could not afford food never mind cable tv or video games. (Proof that living in poverty can turn into something good.) I am so proud of both of them.