Spontaneous Human Combustion

Remember when you were little and you first head about Spontaneous Human Combustion and you got scared shitless because you were convinced you could catch fire and die? OK, maybe you didn't but I did. I was an odd child with a lot of fears and this was one of them.  Well, I grew out of that fear but now it is back. Currently I am sitting in front of a fan with a cold cloth around my head. It is so hot!  Add hot flashes to the picture and S.H.C is inevitable.  Our house is currently at 29 Celsius and does not have air conditioning. We have not had a drop of rain is weeks. Normally I kvetch about the rain but come on already. This is British Columbia!  It is supposed to rain and not be this hot. Anyway, if I never post again it is because I caught on fire and died of Spontaneous Human Combustion. (That or the Ungrateful Bastard and his clone Devil Spawn Norbert killed me.)

Devil Spawn Norbert

Well, blogging has taken a back seat this summer. It is so hot and I would much rather be outside. OK, that is a lie. I signed up for Netflix and have been watching Drop Dead Diva and Orange is the New Black. Part of the problem is I am postless.  Seriously, there is nothing going on. The lawn is dead from the heat but our garden is growing like mad.

Now here is something...Who is in this picture? I am guessing your answer will be Norbert aka The Ungrateful Bastard. But it is not.  He has somehow managed to clone himself in some diabolical satanic ritual. How do I know? Because my husband and I went out for breakfast this morning and when we came home and Norbert was outside.  I am all, "What the fuck is Norbert doing outside? He is not allowed outside? How did he get out?" My husband told me it was not Norbert but it was.  We drove up close and this cat looked exactly like him.  He even had a huge gut and slunk around like a sneaky sonofabitch. Just like Norbert. It was Norbert. I have no doubt.  Except it wasn't because when I opened the door Norbert was standing there. I will now refer this Norbert as Norbert the 1st and the other Norbert as Devil Spawn Norbert.  Norbert the 1st has managed to reproduce himself an exact replica or "clone" of himself.  I have no doubt it is part of a plan to fuck me over.  Devil Spawn Norbert lives outside. Norbert the 1st lives inside. When we came home Devil Spawn Norbert was lurking in the bushes near the side of the road and when we drove up he gave me a look like he knew he had been caught. When I came inside Norbert the first tried to trick me by being all purry and nice but I know better. There is no doubt that they are now working together to kill my family. It makes me wonder how many more are out there. 

I am Back

OK, I am back at this blog. It was way too confusing for my addled peri-menopausal brain. Or did you even know I was gone?

Anyway, it is about a bajillion degrees Celsius here. But nobody else can feel it but me. My husband and kids are liars and tell me that it is not that hot and it is just me. They also move shit around the house and when I go looking for it they say that I need to calm down because they have no idea what I am talking about. Sometimes they are not even home and things get moved. Likely it is the Ungrateful Bastard. 

This is what I did today because it is so fucking hot. I bought two of these and put them in my bedroom window. It looks so classy! Very "south end." (That is an insult where I come from.) But I am hoping that it will keep me from dying from heat exhaustion. Seriously,  because I work nights and sleep during the day it is hard to sleep. One must resort to extremes. I will let you know if it works. My mom, who was also always hot would have given my a high-five for my ingenuity but would have asked me what the neighbours thought. Anyway, that is what I did today. And I had fried chicken. 

Moving

Hi all,

I am closing down this blog. Please leave a message in the comments and I will contact you with my new blog address. 

Ignore the above.  I changed my mind. 

Love to all of you.