Nightmares

One of the worst things about my mom dying is the nightmares that she died.  Waking up brings no relief because I find out it is true.  I also dream that my mouth is full of gum and I can't get rid of it.  As fast as I pull it out of my mouth is appears again. 

Definition:

Dreaming that you are chewing gum, suggests that you are unable to express yourself effectively. You may feel vulnerable. Alternatively, is symbolizes a sticky situation that you found yourself in. Dreaming that you are unable to get rid of your gum, suggests that you are experiencing some indecision, powerlessness or frustration. You may lack understanding in a situation or find that a current problem is overwhelming.http://www.hyperdictionary.com/dream/gum

Waxing my Eyebrows at 2 a.m.

I see a lot of people are posting a year in review.  I have decided not to do that as it was hard enough to write the first time.  Though I am glad I have it all written down. Death, like birth is a holy and precious time.  One day I will look back and read my words.  Or maybe not.  


So...here is some exciting news!  I applied for a permanent position at my new job and I got it.  Even though I am the lowest on the seniority list of 200 people I got the permanent position  because they were impressed with my interview and experience.  The interviewer said I "nailed it in the interview".  It will be working 3 nights a week with people needing to be hospitalized on put into extended care when a hospital bed is not available.  It will also be caring for people who have had to leave the hospital early because the hospital needs the bed.  I am so stoked about this.  It is excellent pay.  For the first time in my adult life I will not be living below the poverty line.  I will get benefits too, oh yes I will.  I have worked so long and many crappy jobs to get this and I am so glad.


I had a nice Christmas. It was quiet and peaceful.  I loved on my new niece. She is sitting up now and then tips over.  So cute. 


I got a cold for Christmas.  And a Sony Reader. I can't really figure out how it works yet but I did download one book.  
So, now it is Boxing day.  I am sitting wrapped in my mom's pink fuzzy robe.  I will going to bed soon. I hope you all had a nice Christmas full of love, family and friends.  

I am a Canadian Abomination

I hate winter.

I hate the cold.  I hate snow.  I hate ice.  I hate black ice.  I hate frost; including hoarfrosts.  I hate snowstorms. I hate blizzards.  I hate flurries. I hate freezing rain.  I hate sleet.  I hate hail.  I hate skating. I hate curling.  I hate skiing.  I hate snowboarding.  I hate sledding. I hate hockey.  I hate icicles. I hate being chilly. I hate goose bumps. I hate shivering. I hate 8-hour days. I hate a cold nose. I hate cold toes. I hate cold ears.  I hate warming up my car.  I hate fogged up car windows.  I hate gloves. I hate winter coats. I hate touques.  I hate scarves. I hate colds (I am fighting one) and flus.  I hate Christmas songs that talk about snow.  ("Let it Snow"?  Fuck you, I have to drive in the shit while you sit on your fat ass drinking hot chocolate.)  I hate falling on ice.  I hate walking in the snow.  (OK, I like the crunchy sound.)  I hate cleaning snow off my car.  I hate shovelling snow.  I hate scraping my windshield.  I hate driving on icy roads. I hate chapped lips.  I hate having to blow my nose every 10 seconds. I hate dry, cracked hands.  I hate cold hands.  I hate snowballs.  I hate igloos.  I hate slush. I hate dirty snow.  I hate snowmen.  I hate all snow people. I hate snow animals.  I hate snow flakes. I hate making snow angels. (I can't get up again without ruining it.)  I hate sweaters made of wool.  I hate "snow days".  I hate being tired because there is no light.  I hate the wind blowing in my face.  I hate the Winter Olympics (so lame.)  I hate unplowed roads.  I hate salted roads. I hate treacherous roads  I hate getting my car stuck in the snow.  I hate looking at snow.  I hate being in the snow.  I hate pictures of snow.  I would have hated the Cold war. I hate cold fronts.  I have cold snaps.  I hate snow burns. I hate wind burns.  I hate that my glasses fog.  I hate snow tires.  I hate the sun reflecting off the snow. I hate leg warmers.  I hate ear muffs. 

There.  I feel better. Happy First Day of Winter, folks.  Meh. 

I have become a blogging anomaly.  The whole point of blogging is to actually blog but I am not blogging at all.  I have lots of thoughts in my head but have no time to think about wirting them down.
I have been working more than I want to.  I started at 8:30 this morning and finished at 9:00 this evening.  I did have a 3 hour gap (does anyone like split-shifts) which was filled with appointments and doing things that women do.  The good news is I am going to have a nice cheque coming to me but I have never been one driven by money so I am not overly excited about that.  The bad news is I am really, really tired.  I am just going all the time.  I don't really have time to eat and I am losing weight.  Nice to lose weight but a really bad and unhealthy way to do it.
I miss my mom every second of the day.   I think about her at least every hour.  She speaks to me through music.  You know what?   I feel closer to her now than I did when she was alive.  It is strange.  I was very close to my mom when she was here on earth but now I feel this connectedness.  I can't explain it in words.  
There are lots of other things going on.  Here is a recap.

• I finished my Christmas shopping tonight.
• We had a deer sleep in our yard today which was lovely but now I am wondering if there is any point to planting vegetables next year.
• My brother continues to be a twit.  He doesn't work.  He was supposed to pick my dad up tonight at the ferry tonight but he wasn't in the mood so he asked me to do it.  He said he couldn't drive that far because he needs new tires for his truck.  But, apparently his truck works well enough to go to a Christmas party. Twit.   

e reader

Does anyone have an e reader?  I am thinking of getting one but I have no idea where to start.  What brand would you recommend and why?  Thanks!

Judy Garland - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

I had never heard this version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" until this weekend.  It is so beautiful.  I think my mom wanted me to hear them.  I send it on to all of you that are missing someone this Christmas.  Do you like these lyrics better or less? 


Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were near to us
Will be dear to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now




(And Judy Garland is the last word on a perfect voice. Maybe Karen Carpenter as well.) 

Dido - See The Sun

Ah, my lovelies. I am still here.  I have been working like mad.  It is good but I am so tired.  I am working in Community Health which means I am working nights and driving around in the dark trying to find addresses.  Please people, go right now and buy proper house numbers for your house and make them clearly visible.  Not only is important for you but your neighbours as well.
Today has been a bad day.  I had a dream about my mom and she was really sick.  She said she wanted to die because knew how hard it was on my dad.  It was not a nice peaceful dream where she was ready to go.  It was just desperately sad.  I am still sad thinking about it.  My mom was not ready to die.  She died because she had no choice.
I went to grief counselling yesterday.  I told my grief counsellor the only way I can remember my mom right now is in the hospital and dying.  I can't get the images out of my mind.  My mom was so beautiful and she wasted away to nothing.  Cancer stole everything from her in the end.  My cousellor tells me I need to keep telling my story again and again until I can chip away at it and make it a manageable load to carry.  
I miss my mom.  

Fleetwood Mac - Songbird

Missing my mom today. I was so busy all week with my new job. Ironically, we spoke on Palliative care and discussed pain management for the dying. I had to look down a few times to compose myself. It is all so new.

You know what though? Through all of this I know more than ever I want to become a Palliative nurse.  I want to give end of life care. I want to care for people when they are scared and feeling alone, even if it is something simple as sitting with them and stroking their hair or even sitting in silence. Sitting when there really are no words and love is so much bigger than fear and emotional pain.
I know when I was really small that I felt a calling on my life and I new I was going to be doing something different in a caring capacity. I did not know what it was for a very long time and I asked God a lot of questions about where I was to be. For many years I have been hearing that I had to wait and I didn't know why. I know now. Before my mom got really sick I knew I wanted to work with people in the last stages of living but it eluded me. When my mom died it did not drive me away from being with the dying but it called me closer. I have known for a long time that I wanted to work with the dying but now I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. And so, the first blessing appears with regards to my mom dying.

I was still wondering how it was all going to come together. This week my nurse leader told us about a new program that was being adapted specifically for palliative clients and we were to come and speak to her if we were interested. Sometimes the earth shifts so loudly and it did for me at that moment. I know this is what I am going to be doing. Not right now as my own pain is so raw and fresh but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for 40 years to figure out what I was going to do when I grew up and now what is going to happen. And I feel so glad. And I feel grateful. And I feel my mom close and know she is orchestrating this.

Christmas is coming fast and I am not so scared now. There will just be 10 of us for dinner instead of the regular chaos of 25. My mom won't be here, but she will. She will. I do wish sometimes I had a river I could skate away on and yet, I have my family. My daddy. My brother. My sister. My kids. My love. My 2 beautiful nieces; one of them who is having her first Christmas, and of course my brother-in law. It hurts so much still but it is good. It is.

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

When I laid there beside you,


Could you feel me there?

My arms were wrapped around you,


And I was stroking your hair.




I was talking about all the good times,

For me they were every single day.

I wanted you to feel love and comfort,

And happy in some way.



I watched your every breath,

And prayed that each one wasn't your last.

The time we got to share together,

Went by too quick...Too fast.



I wanted you to wake up,

Please Mum...Open your eyes.

Tell me this is a nightmare,

And not our goodbyes.



As your last breath grew closer,

We lay there peacefully together.

My heart continually breaking,

Because I wanted you forever.



Then there it was,

Your final breath of air.

I didn't want to believe it,

This is so cruel and not fair.



I held your beautiful face,

And prayed you'd breath again.

I wasn't ready for you to go,

I couldn't admit that this was the end.



But then I realized that you were now in peace,

And not suffering any more.

You were beginning the life of an Angel,

And your body would no loner be sore.




I held you close and squeezed you tight,

And tried to say goodbye.

I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,

All my heart could do is cry.



I slowly got up,

I wanted so much to stay.

I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,

It was so hard to walk away.




Mum you are my entire world,

And I miss you so very much.

I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,

And your soft and gentle touch.


But for now I have to wait,

Until we meet again.

You will always be in my heart and thoughts,

My dear Mum and best friend.



Always and Forever,

Our hearts will always touch.

Always and Forever,

Your baby girl loves you so much.

Falling Asleep in Yoga

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sooglepot/2601372415/

This week I have been training at my new job.  I am really tired, so tired that I feel asleep in yoga during Shivasana.  I have not been reading blogs but I hope to get caught up this weekend.  Not much crying this week but I did cry today when I used my cell phone to call my dad and I scrolled to, "Mom and Dad" on my phone book.  I cried because my mom will never be answering the phone again.  Never.  I still can't realize "forever".  Forever makes me so sad and feel so desperate.  
I don't have much to say.  I need a hot bath and a hot chocolate and bed.  I have been so cold. I can't get warm.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I am lonely for her. 

Dear god, I have been sucked down a black hole.  In my last post I was looking for a young man named Arnold that died in the W.W. 1 (It turns out he was my first cousin 4 times removed.)  I became very, very side tracked.  And this is what I found!  
Most of you know my real name.  I know I am named after my great-grandmother.  I never knew anything about her other than her first name.  (I met her when I was very young.)  Last night while searching for Arnold I found my great grandmother.  And much, much more.  I found all my grandmothers from that line all the way back to 1748.  And...all of them had my name as a first or second name. That is 263 years of my name.  I was floored when I found this out.  When my mom named me she did not know that the name went that far back.  She just liked my dad's grandmother and liked the name.  So, there you go. I also found out that my great grandmother was born in Austria and her mother and grandmothers were born in Germany.
I am glad to be getting my mind off my mom though I did cry yesterday about 5 times.  I am stressed about Christmas.  I know my mom would want me to have a happy Christmas but I don't know that that is completely possible.  Anyway, I am OK at this particular second.  

It seems my body and brain are giving me a break from my grief.  That raw grief that makes me want to never go out of the house again and thinks sleeping until January 2nd is a good idea has lifted for the moment.  I went to Reiki yesterday and had two Reiki healers doing their magic on me at the same time so I think that has something to go with it.  I did wake up with anxiety at 4:30 this morning.  The Ungrateful Bastard woke me up purr-purr-purring away all happy to see me and wake me up.  I decided to get up and have a bit of breakfast and blog.  I had some eggs and I can tell you right now that I can't wait to have my own chickens.  Store bought eggs are tasteless. 
See this young man to the left?  His name is AM. He is from my family.  I have discovered all sorts of things about him.  I know his full name and his date of birth and that  he died on June 17th, 1915 at the age of 22 in WW1. I even know where he is buried and have pictures of the cemetery in France.   All I had to start with is this picture.   The problem is I do not know who his parents were so it is almost impossible to place him in the family tree.  I know his next of kin is James and I guessed that was his father but James was a popular name back then. I can find a few men named James but none of them have a son named Arnold.  I feel sort of sad that I can't place him on the tree.  He was somebody's boy.  And he was so young.  He never had a life so speak of.  I wonder if he left behind a girl.  What did his mom do when she got the news?  And how much more sorrow that he was buried in France and they never were able to bring flowers to his grave. Just one day, dead at 22.  Genealogy is like going down a rabbit hole.  You don't know where it is going to lead.  You can spend hours upon hours searching and come up empty.  Anyway, I will keep looking. I am determined to not have this young man forgotten any more.  He deserves his place.  If I am every in France I will find his grave is at in Le Treport Military Cemetery, France and put flowers on it and tell him he is remembered. 
Well, I am going to go back to bed for a bit then get on with my day.  I have my grief support circle  this morning and I am buying a ladder at Home Depot. I do not like Home Depot. All the employees hide, I think.  Or there really are only 3 people that work there.  It should be loads of fun. 
Happy Thanksgiving to my friends to the south! 

My Dad

I found this post while reading my old blog.  It is about my dad.  

Daddy's Girl

I am a daddy's girl. But I wasn't always. I was born into a home by a man that didn't know how to be a father. He was an angry and abusive person.  He used to hang me over bridges and the ferry and pretend to let go. I was terrified of him.  I hid when he was in the house.  I have since made amends with my father and I love him.

But my dad? Who is he? My mom had been a single mom and met my dad when I was 7 and got married when I was 9.  I have adored this man from the beginning. He took on a role that didn't belong to him. He stepped in and became my daddy. He has taught me more about life than anyone. From changing the brakes in my car to making the perfect spaghetti sauce. He has been my shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. He is always there for me. Always. He has never judged me for my many, many messes I have got myself into. In fact, he helped me out of them. He has been there when I call him up at 7:00 a.m. because my car won't start and I need a ride to work. (And while I am at work he fixes my car.) He has been there late at night when I call him because I am crying and need someone to listen. He is my hero. 

He took on a job that was not his own. He has never once made a statement declaring me any less than a flesh and blood daughter. In fact, in his Will he calls me his flesh and blood.  He became a daddy to a little girl that so desperately needed one.

OK, Blogging Break is Over

I have had another crying most of the day kind of day.  I cried in the bank line.  I cried at the insurance office.  I cried in my car. I cried before I had a nap.  I cried after I had a nap.  I think I even may have cried during my nap.  In is so strange because the first few weeks I was O.K. and now I am just not OK.  Or maybe I am and I am just grieving in one of the most raw ways one can grieve.


One thing I never knew about grief is how much it can effect (or is it affect?) you physically.  I am so tired but when I sleep I shake and can't stop. (I have to take Ativan before sleep.)  My joints ache.  My eyes sting.  I can't relax and so my muscles ache.  I am cold all the time so I wear a toque around the house. My stomach is in a knot all the time. 


I do have some good news.  Remember last week I said I was hoping something really good was going to come from something I did the previous week but I didn't want to say what it is yet because I am superstitious and didn't want to jinx it?  Well, that good thing happened!  I applied to do home support in a union job and I got it!  My wage will be going up $4.00 and hour.  I will be able to quit my current job for an employer that has not given me a wage increase in 2 years.  (I sent my 2-week notice tonight.) It will take awhile to get a permanent position but this  is going to make a big difference in my life and the life of my family.  When I get a permanent position I will even get benefits.  Yay!  I am especially thankful right now because I will have seven days of paid training and now I will be able to afford Christmas presents for my kids.  I will be able to afford to buy food.  Yay!  
So, now I am off to bed.  Who was I kidding? I can't not blog.  I love you all so much.  Thanks for the encouragement.  Thanks for loving me. xo

Grief vs. Depression

Taking a Rest from Blogging 

It is one of those days when I don't think I have it in me to keep posting about my mom dying and my grief. I sit down with my laptop and my fingers become heavy.  I can't seem to form thoughts that make any sort of sense.  I spent more of today crying.  Now I am just numb and so very tired.  I managed to cook myself a piece of fish but other than that I have not had anything to eat.  All my clothes are getting loose. My kids are at Papa's today. They had a sleepover with my 6 year old niece.  I am glad they are having fun.
My question now is when do I start thinking this is depression instead of grief? What is the difference?  I am having days that are OK but I still don't really want to go out into the community.  It overwhelms me. 
I did manage to get dressed today.  Changed the bed.  Cleaned the bathroom. Cleaned the cat's litter box.  Did a few loads of laundry. I am really, really tired now. I just want a hot bah then to go to bed.  
Maybe instead of no longer blogging I should just take a break.  I really do live for your comments.  They keep me going. I go to Hospice for support but other than that I am feeling lonely.  I could die right now and it would be hours before anyone even noticed.  I walk around my own house and nobody talks to me.  Lonely and invisible.  
I don't know what else to say,  I know dear reader that many of you are no longer reading because my writing is so negative and sad.  I completely understand. It is hard enough in this world to get by with your own problems, never mind reading about someone else's. 
So yes, a break. Maybe I will be back tomorrow or next week.  I just know I need a break.  I will continue to check in on all of you.

It is Saturday.  I have done nothing today.  The Ungrateful Bastard is actually sitting beside me.  If I pet him it will send him into a rage and he will run away. I really do love this cat though. He is so cranky you can't help but love him.  He watches the birds and I watch him and he is just so cute.  And hateful. 
We are going to my biological father's and his wife for dinner tonight. (Is that sentence is a grammatical nightmare?)  I am supposed to vote today and this is the first time I don't feel like voting. I am a big advocate on voting but I just don't care right now.  I really don't.  But I will still vote because it is the right thing to do.  It is a municipal election. 
My bra is pinching me.  My eyes sting from crying.  
I am working on my own little cubby.  I have not had my own space for years and years.  It is an area about 6' x 7' but it will be mine.  I have my book case in there and one of those zero gravity chairs.  I have my pictures and I am going to hang shiny things from the ceiling. I will have my music as well. I can take my laptop down there too.  
Well, I have to get ready to go out.  Norbert is still beside me. I did pet him for a bit and he purred.  Silly cat. xo


Here is a nice video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjqCQ-E0S30

I have not been posting.  Too tired and nothing to say anyway.  So here is a point by point synopsis of my week.

• Today is my daughter's birthday.  She is 14. She is kind, generous, tall, beautiful, smart and caring.  I am so proud of her!
• My dad found out this week that his dog has cancer in his rectum.  There is no treatment or cure.  Eddie the dog is a 13 year old, wonderful and loving chocolate Lab. I understand that he is an old dog but now?  Why now?  Now my dad is facing that he will have to put Eddie down. Eddie was in the room in palliative care when my mom died. 
•  My breasts hurt.  Achy, PMS breasts with a hint of menopause thrown in for good measure.  My nana went into menopause at 32 so don't tell me I am too young. I am having a mammogram next week.  I have been having them for 9 years as breast cancer is in my family.
• I hate almost every book ever written on grief. A throw across the room hate.
• Right now I am telling my kids to go to bed but they are ignoring me but I am too tired to do anything about it.
• I am hoping that something really good is going to come from something I did last week. I can't say what it is yet because I admit I am superstitious and don't want to jinx it.
• I learned a cool new position at yoga yesterday but I have forgotten how to do it because I am so tired. 
• My daughter has finally gone to bed but my son is still ignoring me.  
• I am going to go have a hot bath and a cup of tea.  Good night, world. 

Today was a better day.  I just had a reminder of one of the many things that my mom did that made her so wonderful and now I am crying again.  But it is a good cry. Thank you to the person who reminded me of my mom saying, "Whooo!". I am glad for that memory. 


The last several days have been the hardest yet.  I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling.  My whole body physically aches from crying.  I didn't know grief could make your feet, legs and knees ache. I didn't know grief could make your arms, neck and back sore.  I didn't know grief could cause your throat to feel tight and your lungs to feel as if all the heaviness of the world is sitting on them.  


I saw my grief counsellor this afternoon.  She is a person of such loveliness.  I feel normal when we speak.  Lately I have felt like a freak when I speak to people. I feel vulnerable.  I feel as if I have no skin.  When I speak to my counsellor I can feel the skin on my body where it belongs. I feel vulnerable but overwhelmingly safe and cared for. 

I also went to Reiki today.  I receive Reiki at no charge through Hospice. One of the Reiki healers came and searched me out just to give me a hug.  She always comes and finds me to give me a hug when I am in the building.  I feel loved.  She honestly loves and cares for me.  We met while my mom was on the Palliative ward.  She came and did Reiki several times on my mom and me.  




And there is all of you.  You, who keep coming back and reading my words.  You keep commenting and loving me even though you receive nothing back. I thank my God for all of you. There is a Bible verse for you!  Phillipians 1:3


picture courtesy of  http://www.flickr.com/photos/27282406@N03/4134929014/sizes/m/in/photostream/

I have been crying for two days now.  I didn't know that was possible.  How do I not become dehydrated?  I am absolutely exhausted.  Even now tears are behind my eyes. God, my heart aches.   It physically aches. I am going to Hospice counselling on Thursday.  


When I was little I was going to run away from home.  I remember crying and just having a bad day.  My brother came out to get me before I got past the front of the house because Mom was going to make strawberry Quik.  I want my life to be that simple again.  My mom and a glass of strawberry Quik.  

Without an Anchor

Do you ever go through your day and all of a sudden it hits you that you have done life wrong?  I feel that I have made a mistake being so close to my mom, dad and family.  I love them so much and now that one of them is gone I feel lost.  I feel like my anchor is gone. Maybe I should have been independent and relied more on myself.  Maybe if I had done that, this would not hurt so much.  I feel like my soul has been ripped out.  I relied so much on my mom's unending and unwavering love and now it is gone and I feel lost.  So fucking lost.  I want to tear apart my clothes. I want to rip out my hair.  I want to fall on the hard cement and find some way to release this pain.  It is strange.  I can go for several days then all of a sudden grief pulls me down, gasping for breath, begging that this pain is not real.  Fuck, I just miss her so much.  My beautiful mom.  She was incredibly good.  How can she be gone?  Does she miss me as much as I miss her?  I even struggle with where she is right now.  Has her soul simply stopped being?  Is she in heaven? Is she in hell?  Has she moved onto another life and forgotten about me?  Has she forgot how much she was loved? 
I prepared for her dying for so long but tonight I don't feel prepared at all.  I can't do this.  I can't.  I want to die myself.  I keep getting up in the morning because I know that there are people that love me but I don't know how I can keep going.  
I go to a grief support group on Friday mornings and I am told that pain eases.  You know what?  I don't want the pain to go away.  It is an absurd companion.  I have no way to explain this.  Maybe if you have grieved yourself you will understand.  It makes no sense that I want to feel terrible. 
I spoke to my dad today about decorating the tree for Christmas (see previous post) and he doesn't know what to do.  He is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do about it.  See?  As a family we got through the hell in life because we did it as a family.  Now one of us is gone.  No, not gone.  Dead.  Gone seems like she could come back.  Dead.  Gone from this life and no longer able to give or receive love.  We are left with these memories that run like sand through our fingers. The memories just hurt right now.
One of the thing that really hit me last week is all the women that loved me are dead.  My grandmothers and mom.  My Nana died in 2004  (link to my old blog) and I still feel a hollow.  I am now the oldest woman in my family.  I still have aunts but I am the oldest woman in my line.  How can this be?  How can that be possible?  I am not ready to be strong like the women in my family.  I  just don't have what it takes.  I make stupid ass mistakes.  I am immature.  I don't make wise decisions. I am not calm and reasonable.  
Alright, this post has exhausted me.  I am tired.  
I want my mom. 

http://ihadablackdog.blogspot.com/

I had a terrible sleep last night.  Terrible sleeps always seem to open the gate so the Black Dog can get it in my house.  I started thinking how close Christmas is which started me thinking about decorating the tree at my mom and dad's house.  Decorating the tree is almost bigger than Christmas.  Sometimes we all can't be together on Christmas day but we are always together to decorate the tree.  We have never missed a year, not once.  Ohhh, this year is going to be so hard.  I don't know if I even want to do it this year.  At this point I want to just scrap it but I know it is important to my kids and nieces.  Anyway, all this thinking just made me so sad and then I started crying. Then I got tired and just wanted to go home.  We were out and I needed to get away from the noises, loud in my head.  I am home now and I had a nap but I am still tired and weary and sad.  And a little depressed today. 
Get this.  You are all aware that Norbert has been wearing the Cone of Shame.  Does it seem weird to you that all of a sudden he is spending a great deal of time sitting on the table with a lamp.  He sits really close and stares at it.  I think he is in love. 

I went to buy Norbert a new collar today at the pet store.  (Norbert lost his, it is my belief that he did it on purpose.)  It is a satellite adoption centre for the S.P.C.A.  There were six tabby kittens.  Six Norberts looking all cute and fuzzy.  I tried to ignore them, I did!  But one of them crawled up the side of the cage and was sticking his wee paw out and giving hi-fives.  I could not resist but to take him out and love him.  He was so cute and purry. And there were five more just like him. No I did not buy one.  I thought of the Norbert at home with the Cone of Shame.  I have my hands more than full with one ungrateful tabby. Look at this picture. He is so full of hate and rage.  I wonder what he would do if he knew I was posting it on the Internet for everyone to gawk at.  He is feeling much better and is almost completely healed.  He barfed up a great big hairball on the bed this morning so I had to wash and change the sheets and two blankets.  I will add that it was my one day to sleep in.  Again, I know he did it on purpose. Oh well, I love a clean bed.   

Norbert

The Ungrateful Bastard is much improved today.  I am using the Vetericyn and it is working like magic.  Norbert is is his usual bad mood, not his sick bad mood. He is up and walking around all cranky-like. I think I need to explain why I can't take him to the Vet and needed to do home treatment.  The vet would have given me a bill of at least $500.00.  Because I stopped working when my mom was dying I have been living on about $800.00 a month.  I simply do no have the money.  Right now I do not even have money to buy food.  I have less than $10.00 in my bank account and that has to last me until the 20th. I knew I would take a huge financial hit by choosing to care for my mom instead of working but I had made a promise to her.  Even if I had not promised her I would have done the same thing.  I am feeling like crap because I did not take Norbert to the vet.  At any rate, he is getting better.  As always, we do the best we can. No more about my finances.  Things always work out one way or another.  I have decided to sell some of my books to get some money so I can buy groceries.  
I am going back to Yoga tonight.  The instructor is not charging me for the class until I get back on my feet.  This type of giving  is called Seva, volunteer work offered to God.  I am truly grateful.
I am having one of those days where everything is overwhelming  me.  I can't seem to think past just sitting here.  I am staring out the window at the birds in the feeder.  I think I need to go back to bed until my mood improves. 


PS- Does anyone know why when I hit "publish post" it does not show up in the reading list for hours and hours later?  I wrote this post this morning and it is now 5:00 and still not showing in the list. 

My New Blog!

OK, so what do you think of my new look?  You all know I love crows and Cat from Catalina's Cottage offered to give my blog a new look.  I am so happy with it.  I think it is perfect!  Yay!


I am going back to work today and I am having a medium sized panic attack over it.  Yesterday I cried a fair amount.  I don't think I will cry when I am with my patients but I feel all jingle-jangled.  (I just made that phrase up.  Where that came from I do not know.)  


Norbert still has a big abscess on his back and is not getting better despite all the treatment I have given him.  I went and purchased this today.  He is still eating and drinking but definitely lethargic.  Of course he is still being an Ungrateful Bastard.  Do you think he has even thanked me once for draining his pus-filled abscess (gag) four to six times a day? Oh no.  He growls and  hisses and tries to bite.  I know it hurts him but still.  He is also in a pissy mood because I won't let him go outside and I know he is going to try to kill me in my sleep because I am making him wear the cone of shame.


OK. I need to go to work.  I am getting a drastically new haircut today.  Pictures tomorrow!


Later that day - I need to write this first part quickly before the moment  is no longer.  Right now my kids are unloading the dishwasher, having a conversation and getting along! Sorry, but that just does not happen in this house very often.
Work was OK today. I also got my hair chopped very short and I am very happy with it.  I am really tired tonight and looking forward to bed.  

A Confession

Here it is. My deep dark secret.  I know I will disappoint some of you.  Some will despise me and never read my blog again but I must tell you the truth. I hate Halloween.  

I hate everything about it.  When my kids were small I dressed them up and took them out, hating it the entire time.  Now that they are older I still hate it.  Why?  Here are some of the reasons. 

 My brother and his friends saw to it that I would be traumatized every Halloween by scaring me all throughout October.  I would walk around in a perpetually terrified state knowing they were going to do something horrible. My adrenal glands were constantly on high alert. They told me every year that they were going to put Neet in my hair.  I also hate loud noises so I hated the screechers and fire crackers.  I hated going out into our rainy October nights.  Once I went through a haunted house where a man in a coffin jumped out at me.  I hated it because Ian J.  won the prize for best costume every year.  He dressed as the same robot every year.  Tin foil on a cardboard box.  Every year.  I hate that Halloween scares animals. So, I hate it.  


Norbert is still sick.  The abscess I thought was drained is not so I am still manually draining it 4 times a day.  It hurts him and it is so gross.  He  is still wearing the cone of shame.  I have had to cut a whole bunch of fur off his back.  I am also using Tea Tree oil so all the fur around the abscess is all oily. Poor kitty. 

I did end up going out the other night. I had a great time.  I did not drink anything other than OJ &7-Up and decaf coffee as I knew I would be driving.  I was home before 10:00.  I was not the only one looking forward to a hot bath and going to bed with a good book. 

I am going back to work this week but just part-time.  I need the money or I would not be going back yet. 

That is about it.  I was up at 5:00 as my fiancé was snoring and I had to take care of Norbert.  I know a nap will be in order sometime today. 

PS- Please keep loving me even though I hate Halloween.  It is the only holiday I hate. 

Norbert's (aka Ungrateful Bastard)  puncture wound seems better this morning.  I am draining it ever 6 hours (gag)  and when I went to drain it this morning there was no more drainage.   Good thing.  I will have to keep on top of it though.
I slept in until noon today.  I am still in my pyjamas and just finished reading blogs.  I am now typing and listening to this song.   It is hard to type! My laptop is bouncing away. One of the best videos I have ever watched.  Awesome. 
Now it is time to get out of my pyjamas and get into my gardening clothes.  I bought the Garden Claw this week.  I can't wait to use it!  Eeeeeee!  


Later that day -


I am inside now.   I was outside for almost 3 hours.  I weeded about 6 feet.  Does that tell you what miserable shape our garden is in?  THE CLAW worked wonderfully but it is hard work.  I found so many spiders and worms.  Our chickens that we are getting next Spring are going to be so clucking happy.
I am supposed to go to a 40th birthday party tonight but I am so tired.  I just want to stay in my warm clothes, have a hot bath and go to bed early and read a book.  Aren't I fun?  But go I will. I think I am going to go have a nap before I have to leave in an hour.  


Love, Peace and Harmony ladies... I love you. I don't say it enough but thanks for reading and the comments. I feel loved.  And that is an amazing thing.  

Poor Norbert

My poor Ungrateful Bastard is really sick.  He has a large puncture would on his spine that has abscessed. (It looks like he was attacked by another cat.)  I have to drain it every four hours and clean it with peroxide and then a thick layer of Polysporin. I then put the cone of shame on him.  Everyone who has ever owned a sick pet knows about the cone of shame.  Since I have not worked since mid-April in order to care for my mom,  I have no money to take him to the vet.  I called this afternoon and it was going to be over $100.00 just for the vet to see him.  If I had the money I would take him but I don't.  Anyway,  I am taking care of him myself.  I am going to call a pharmacy in the morning and see if I can get him some antibiotics.  Poor kitty.  

Finding a Place for Grief

In a world where we are encouraged to organize and deal with everything, I am having a difficult time finding a place and time to grieve.  I cried yesterday while giving blood.  I cried at the orthodontist today.  My employer called and I got teary but fought very hard to not cry.  I cried when my step-mom called.  I just cry all the time.  I am crying now.  I wish I could set a time and place to do my grieving but it doesn't work like that.  I feel so empty after crying even though everyone tells me that crying is good.  I don't like feeling empty.  This is different than any crying I have ever done.  The tears come so fast.  There is no sound.
  
Ms Moon, lovely Ms. Moon told me this would be a holy time and she is right.  I feel very connected to the Universe and God right now.  I meet people who have gone through loss and I feel connected to them.  I feel connected to all of you.  It is strange to feel so much love from people I have never met. It is this love and connection that gets me up out of bed everyday even though I have to have a nap.   


Anyway, it has taken me over an hour to write this post.  I am spent.  My sweetie is making me a grilled cheese sandwich and fries and gravy.  Comfort food, god bless his heart. 


Ungrateful Bastard is still sick. He freaks out, hisses and tries to bit me when I pick him up.  He stayed in his basket almost all day today.   I wonder if he fell or was attacked by a dog.  he is eating and drinking but he is in the baddest mood I have ever seen him in.  Good grief.  I can't beleive I wrote "the baddest mood I have ever seen him in".  Baddest is not a word and  don't believe in ending a sentence in a preposition.  Ah. Who the hell cares any more. 


PS- I forgot to do the pee draw at 6:00 on Monday.  I did remember at 6:00 but on Wednesday.  Judy C. is the winner of a yet undisclosed prize.  I promise, no tea! I do have a great card picked out.