Fleetwood Mac - Songbird

Missing my mom today. I was so busy all week with my new job. Ironically, we spoke on Palliative care and discussed pain management for the dying. I had to look down a few times to compose myself. It is all so new.

You know what though? Through all of this I know more than ever I want to become a Palliative nurse.  I want to give end of life care. I want to care for people when they are scared and feeling alone, even if it is something simple as sitting with them and stroking their hair or even sitting in silence. Sitting when there really are no words and love is so much bigger than fear and emotional pain.
I know when I was really small that I felt a calling on my life and I new I was going to be doing something different in a caring capacity. I did not know what it was for a very long time and I asked God a lot of questions about where I was to be. For many years I have been hearing that I had to wait and I didn't know why. I know now. Before my mom got really sick I knew I wanted to work with people in the last stages of living but it eluded me. When my mom died it did not drive me away from being with the dying but it called me closer. I have known for a long time that I wanted to work with the dying but now I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. And so, the first blessing appears with regards to my mom dying.

I was still wondering how it was all going to come together. This week my nurse leader told us about a new program that was being adapted specifically for palliative clients and we were to come and speak to her if we were interested. Sometimes the earth shifts so loudly and it did for me at that moment. I know this is what I am going to be doing. Not right now as my own pain is so raw and fresh but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for 40 years to figure out what I was going to do when I grew up and now what is going to happen. And I feel so glad. And I feel grateful. And I feel my mom close and know she is orchestrating this.

Christmas is coming fast and I am not so scared now. There will just be 10 of us for dinner instead of the regular chaos of 25. My mom won't be here, but she will. She will. I do wish sometimes I had a river I could skate away on and yet, I have my family. My daddy. My brother. My sister. My kids. My love. My 2 beautiful nieces; one of them who is having her first Christmas, and of course my brother-in law. It hurts so much still but it is good. It is.