Ah, my lovelies. I am still here. I have been working like mad. It is good but I am so tired. I am working in Community Health which means I am working nights and driving around in the dark trying to find addresses. Please people, go right now and buy proper house numbers for your house and make them clearly visible. Not only is important for you but your neighbours as well.
Today has been a bad day. I had a dream about my mom and she was really sick. She said she wanted to die because knew how hard it was on my dad. It was not a nice peaceful dream where she was ready to go. It was just desperately sad. I am still sad thinking about it. My mom was not ready to die. She died because she had no choice.
I went to grief counselling yesterday. I told my grief counsellor the only way I can remember my mom right now is in the hospital and dying. I can't get the images out of my mind. My mom was so beautiful and she wasted away to nothing. Cancer stole everything from her in the end. My cousellor tells me I need to keep telling my story again and again until I can chip away at it and make it a manageable load to carry.
I miss my mom.
Your counselor is right. I swear, she is.
ReplyDeleteYour counsellor is right. I think it had helped me when I was grieving to keep writing about my mom. Hugs!
ReplyDeletethinking of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteYep, it is called desensitisation. It truly works!
ReplyDeletea. because the emotions eventually burn themselves out
b. the reasoning mind catches up once the emotions are spent, and allows you to think about happier times.
Your Mom is now free of that pain and body that was wasted, though she is still probably processing her emotions on the other side as well. Most especially if she wasn't ready to go. The greatest gift you can give your Mom and yourself this Christmas is prayer.
Prayer lifts them up in love on the other side, and helps them heal. I feel her love all around you, Birdie. Grief and loss is a big adjustment to make, and unfortunately it takes a little time.
Sending many warm huggles from across the pond.xx♥
keep telling your story, indeed, and chipping away at it. perhaps if you keep telling some of the older story as welll, it will live, the times when she was truly alive and radiant. tell those stories (?)
ReplyDeletexo
erin
Sounds like a hard job. Hope you're finding satisfaction in it though. Your counselor sounds very wise. :)
ReplyDeleteBoth your counsellor and Erin above are quite right. I would love to hear more about your mother in her earlier days. And your visual memories will indeed fade but it will take time. They'll find their rightful place in your memory but your happy memories of your mother will find a place of prominence.
ReplyDeleteBirdie, I'm seeing the same images of my mom, lying, emaciated, not eating.
ReplyDeleteBut I had two good dreams about her. One where she said she could hear everything we said even though she could not respond.
Be careful trying to find those house numbers.
Getting your emotions out of your system does help alleviate the pain and remembering the best version of our love ones does as well.
ReplyDeleteDear Barbara, sorry to hear you have had a bad day. That dream sounds nasty and the images too. I suppose it is your body's way of letting it out...all the anger and grief and loneliness. :(
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you have your counsellor and your blog to tell all this to, as i do agree with the others about truer memories of your Mum and her life will take their place for the most part.
Love to you.
This pain is still new and raw. It doesn't seem like the hurt will ever go away. In time, I hope you will get to a place where you are at peace again. I am saying a prayer for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteSounds like excellent advice. I'm with you on the house numbers also...Geez people! Label your dang houses!!!!!!
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