Moving Fast so Grief Can't Catch Me

I have been so busy the last few days.  I am so tired but I can't sleep.  We ended up choosing a different funeral home.  The cost was less than half than the first one and we got more.  I also chose a very pretty small keepsake urn.  It looks like the one in the picture. I can hold it in my hand.  No, I will not put my mom on the mantle but maybe on my bedside stand.  Maybe forever.  Or maybe one day I will be able to place it in a drawer.
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With the funeral home out of the way I got to planning the Celebration of Life. I  have it all figured out and now I just need to do a slideshow with music that my brother-in-law is going to help me with.  The songs for the slideshow will be Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens,  The Rose by Bette Midler and To Where You are Josh Groban.  My mom's singing group is going to sing,  What a Wonderful World,  That’s What Friends are For and Can You Feel the Love.  There will also be two poems read that were written by my great aunt who was a published poet.  And my aunt who is not really my aunt but I call her my aunt because she knew while I was still a twinkle in my dad's eye (as she says) is doing the eulogy..  And the minister is going to yap about stuff.  And Psalm 23 and Ecclesiastes 3. By the way,  I said shit in front of the minister but she didn't seem to mind. And she gets annoyed at people always referring to God a He.  So she says She when the mood strikes,  Three of my cousins (and dear god I have a LOT of cousins!) are going to usher. One is doing all the catering, god bless him.    We are going to sing Amazing Grace at the end but I specified I didn't want the looooong and drawn out depressing version.  I want the happy version.  And I don't know.  Other stuff will be thrown in there I guess.  
Here was something that was fun!  I had 12 minutes to write the obituary.  Yes, 12 minutes to get it into the paper in time.  I did a bit of a crappy job but I am too tired to think about it right now.  I know my mom would tell me not to worry about it so I won't
I also still have to do the Order of Service and take them to the printers.  
But how am I doing you ask?  Well it is 4:20 in the morning and I have not slept.  I go between sobbing that comes from my soul to anger at all I have to do with little or no help from my siblings.  (OK, I am doing everything.  Everything.)  I started laughing out loud when my mom's friend told me a funny story about driving down the free way. My eyes sting all the time from crying.  I wonder if my last memory of her being so sick will ever fade away because right now that is all I can see.  It makes me desperately sad.  At the same time there was a relief now that this fucking hell journey is over for her. Any of you that have lost loved one, does that awful memory slip away eventually? The memory when they are really sick near then end and they don't even look like your loved on anymore?   Maybe that is to let me know she is really dead and not coming back
I hope this is making sense because I am so tired. I am not going to be a grammar snob tonight.  

Bye for Now My Sweet Mom

My mom passed away in her sleep this morning at 11:40 a.m.  I was holding her hand when she died.  It was very quiet and peaceful.  After she died I crawled into bed with her and lay close to her and knew she was being welcomed by her mom and dad and many friends into a place of joy with no more pain or cancer.  It is good.  

Today

Today  we met with a lady from the funeral home to make pre-arrangements and I wanted to punch her out.  My mom expressed her wishes weeks back.  Direct cremation. No embalming. No viewing. No body or ashes at the service.  A simple urn. No burial but her ashes to be spread when my dad dies.  This woman pushed and pushed ideas at us.  No, we do not want a viewing!  No, we don't want to rent a casket!  No, we do not want her ashes at the service and no fucking way do I want a more expensive urn so I can put her ashes on my fucking mantle. She kept repeating over and over the so-called services of the funeral home.  And are you fucking kidding me?  Three dollars EACH for an order of service?  Three dollars! So if 200 people come to her service that would be $600.00?  It is a piece of fucking paper. Are you seriously sitting here and trying to make me feel bad about not wanting to spend $20, 000 on a fucking service for my mom?  Well you did it.  I feel terrible. I feel disloyal and like I am not honouring my mom.  


Meanwhile, my mom was down the hall in bed.  All she does is breathe now.  And I watch her and I miss her already.  And I hate the funeral home lady.  I hate her. It is a deep inside hate and anger boils in a place that I didn't know existed.

Right now posting is taking its toll on me.  I find my thoughts are enshrouded by a fog so I will do my best to say what is going on. I had last posted about all the things that were medically happening to my mom.  I want to say that all the tubes and  five ports (there are six now) are only for her comfort.  Nothing that is meant to extend her life.  We have a state of the art palliative ward here that is staffed by highly trained staff and Hospice volunteers.  She is in a good and safe place.  She is not in any pain.
She has not opened her eyes in two days now.  The tube in her throat was removed this morning and we are hoping there will be no more vomiting. That is unlikely as she has not taken anything in.  Intravenous fluids are not given in palliative care as it causes complications and only extends life which we do not want to do now.  I signed papers yesterday to donate her eyes (no other organs can be taken because the cancer is everywhere)  and to choose a funeral home. That is all I can come up with right now. 
I am getting a cold.  I am sore.  My muscles and joints ache.  I put on the flannel bed sheets this evening.  I am going to have a hot bath with Epsom salts. 
PS- I can't begin to express how much your comments mean to me.  Watching someone you love in the last stages of living is a horrible yet precious time.   Your caring and love is coming through to me.  I thank you for  that.  Namaste my friends.

I Changed My Mind

I spent a great deal of time at the hospital today.  I feel differently than yesterday.  I am not OK today.  My mom cried today and begged me to take her home.  She pleaded.  I tried changing the subject.  I lied and said I would  talk to the nurse.  I also just sat there and didn't say anything. 
She is so thin.  She is the size of a little girl now.  She is smaller than my 13 year old daughter. She has a tube in her nose that goes down her throat that sucks everything out of her stomach.  She has another tube in her nose for oxygen. Her colostomy bag keeps popping off and the room has an odour that doesn't leave my nose ever after I leave the hospital.  She  has five different ports in her skinny little arms for all the medications.  One for pain, one for nausea, one for Ativan.  I don't even know what the other two are for.  She speaks in a low murmur and I can't understand what she is saying most of the time.  She is a beautiful person and I don't understand why this needs to happen like this.  I have been asking that question for a long time.  There are no answers. 
And as Forrest Gump says, "That's all I have to say about that".

The last two days my mom has been vomiting but the nurses were unsure as to why.  She has not been eating any more than a few bites everyday.  It turns out there is another block in her bowel. Her stomach needed to be pumped and she now has a tube that goes down her nose and pumps her stomach continuously.  She is drinking tiny sips that get immediately pumped out of her stomach. She is sedated and will be sleeping all the time now.  She is responding to voices and wakes up but falls back to sleep quickly. I spoke to her palliative doctor and he said that they will try to take out the tube tomorrow but she will not be able to take in enough fluids now to keep her going.  But who knows?  She is a  strong woman and it seems to want to live.  This dying, these last stages of living have no timeline. 


And you know what?  I am OK with this.  At  this moment  I am OK with this because I just want this to be over now.  (Though I may change how I feel in ten minutes from now.)  I know she is not ever going to get better or be well so I am ready for this last stage.  I don't want to see her be sick any more.  I have no idea what my life will look like without my mom.  She has always been a part of my life.  It is going to be weird not to have her here.  It is going to hurt for a very long time and I am never going to stop missing her.  


I went to Reiki today. I also went to the Hospice thrift store and bought three new sweaters, two puzzles and a white eyelet bed skirt for my daughter.  I also hit it lucky and bought a set of curtains for our den.  They happen to be an exact match to the ones I bought a few years back for $600.00 for my living room. (I brought them with me when I sold my condo.)   They are even insulated.  I got them for $4.00!  Yay!


PS - Last week I was deleting blogs off my blogroll of people who no longer post.  I accidentally deleted someone who I did not want to delete. Now I am worried who else I deleted.  If you are no longer on my blogroll let me know and I will put you back on.  I swear, lately I wonder how I even get dressed in the morning! 

I Feel Like Yapping

My Outside Bed! 

I really don't have a lot to say.   I cleaned off the patio today and put away all the summer stuff.  I did not put my outside bed away because I am still sleeping outside even though it was 6 C (43 F) last night.  I feel warm and cozy.  Last night I slept on a sheepskin and that kept me toasty.  It really is comforting out there on my blow-up air bed.  Quiet.  Clean air.  I feel safe even though anyone could walk up my back stairs and find me there.  PS- The duck in the picture fell off the banister rail and smashed into pieces.  Poor duck.  His legs had already been broken in a previous accident.  I feel somewhat sad.  


I am pleased to hear that changes that are happening in the U.S. today.  I wrote on a blog today that even though there are a multitude of problems in Canada that make me hang my head in shame I am proud that lesbians, gays and bisexuals have been able to serve in the military since 1992.  Canada has allowed gay marriage since 2005.  There is a song in honour of today over there >>> Listen if you feel like it. I can't seem to get it to work.  meh.  OK, I can't get it to work.  The song is no longer there. 


My neighbour gave me tomatoes yesterday.  Oh, yes she did.  I love having nice neighbours.  I have never lived in an actual house as an adult so it is a real treat to be given tomatoes and cucumbers.  I let her know that there would be eggs next year to return the favour.


The wasps are very cranky today.  I am glad they are on their last few days. The hummingbirds seem to have gone south. I am watching  chickadees that are flitting around outside.  It seems they like where I hung their new feeder.  I think I may have to get a new one because I can anticipate having to refill it daily in the winter.  


I have managed to get through this day without a nap.  I am off to pick my kids up at school.  I am making my kids read The Help so I am taking them to see it at the theatre after school.  I read the book last year and saw the movie last month. Popcorn for dinner!  Yay!

Meh

Meh

Urban Word of the Day Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care. This is how I feel today.  I have a sore throat.  I am still in my pajamas at 4:40 in the afternoon.  I have a roast cooking.  My mom is still in Palliative care and is not getting any worse.  However, there is no quality of life.  It is just drudgery.  She is hallucinating and saying weird things.  Every night she plans to go home in the morning.  She gets mad at my dad for not taking her to the eye doctor to get new glasses.  She wants to go to the dentist.  I slept inside one night (or was it two?) and went back outside again last night.  I am going to go get dressed soon and eat dinner and go see my mom.  Yeah.  Meh.

An Outside Post

It is after 1:00 a.m. and as usual I cannot sleep.  I am still sleeping outside.  I don`t know why but the world does not seem as frightening when I am out here.  Panic attacks stay away.  Fear does not sleep beside me.  The world is a gentle place.  I look right now up into the night sky and think of you my readers who are closer to me than people I see often. I look at the moon (that is covered by west coast clouds right now) and I know many of you look up at that same moon and think of me. This makes me feel small and safe and loved.  Some of these posts have been so hard to write and it is your comments that keep me writing.


I am listening right now to Snatnam Kaur.  She is a Sikh.  Her music is beautiful and expresses what is in my heart.  The song thingy to the right is playing what I am listening to right now.


My mom.  *sigh*  I never expected her to improve on the palliative ward but that is what is happening.  Yes, the disease marches on but her pain is under control.  She is on lot of medication and seems OK.  She says things that are very funny like when she asked me if I would see to it that I would get rid of the sweat pants my dad wore today.  I have to admit, they are hideous.  But along with that she says things that are hurtful.  My mom would not want to hurt me in a million lifetimes and yet... 


She is also gets fixated on things.  Today she decided that she is leaving the hospital tomorrow because she needs new glasses. She told us that we are taking her in the morning to get glasses then she is going home in the afternoon for a nap.  Yes, my mom appears better but there is no way she is ever leaving the Palliative ward alive.  It hurts me that I can't do this for her.  It frustrates me that she asks. She gets snippy with me and my dad.  Does she not see how hard we are trying?  It is little silly things like when I tracked down her favourite ice cream only for me to find out she hates it and has never liked it ever.  Again, small and silly but I am trying so hard for her last days of living to be comfortable and maybe even nice.  This is what Hospice and Palliative are all about.  I don't know.  I am tired.  


In other news, we are still looking after my mom and dad's chocolate Lab.  He is NUTS and getting old (almost 13) and has the worst farts I have ever smelled come out of any creature.  He clears the top floor of our house.  He is also very funny.  He is a true Retriever and will chase after a ball from sun-up to bedtime.  So far he has found 11 balls in our yard left in the dense overgrown bushes of the previous owner's son.  The sad thing is I know he is getting homesick.  He had so much fun here the first week and now I can tell he just wants to go home.   Poor dog.


Tomorrow night I am taking a course on caring for chickens in your own backyard!  Eeeeee!  I am so excited!  I talked my 15 year old son into coming with me.  This time next year I expect to have my first eggs. I am going to get them as day old chicks so the think I am their mama.  I am going to name all of them and they will be my friends.  As my favourite author wrote about her first pet canary, "I shall be his god".  ha ha  What blasphemy!  What fun!


OK, it is 1:20 a.m. and I am going to attempt sleep.  If you are by chance reading this, I just may look up to the sky and fall asleep thinking of all of you. 

9/11

My brain and body and spirit are tired today. I wanted to write about 9/11.  No doubt that is all we are going to read today but Ms.  Moon sums it up for me and does it well.  Sp please go to her blog and read. (Add her to your blogroll while you are at it!)
http://www.blessourhearts.net/

Digging Deep

I am digging deep within myself to try to get through this time but as I dig I find nothing more inside to help me go on.  I am so weary.  Tears sting my eyes and I find them rolling down my face.  I no longer bother to wipe them away because they just keep coming.  My shoulders and neck and so sore.  I am hungry but have no energy to eat. I want to curl up in a ball and just not move.  
The medication my mom is on is making her say mean things.  I know that is not her and it is only the medication but it still hurts me.  It hurts me because I know that is not her. And I just want this to be over.  Because nobody should live like this.  I need a break but I know there is only one way for that break to come. My fiance is not speaking to me and I don't know what I did wrong.  I feel so vulnerable.  I have no interest in anything right now.  I could sit and watch the cursor blink on the screen in front of me for hours and just not care. 
Days like this I hate who I am.  Why can't I be normal and not be so affected by pain?  It would be nice to stop crying for 2 minutes.  I have heard of crying so much you have no more tears but that does not seem to be the case for me.  I just want someone to put their arms around me so I can feel some love and hope that life is not a shit hole.  God, I am so tired. 

Reiki Today - I Fell Asleep

Not much going on today.  Went to Reiki and was very happy to get the lady that puts everyone to sleep, myself included.  I wish I could have just kept sleeping.  Now I am just relaxed, sleepy and calm.  Spent a few hours with my mom today.  She slept most of the time. He pain medication has been increased again.  She has seemed to have stabalilzed at 20% on the palliative scale.  She sleeps and sips juice or water.  She has short visits then goes back to sleep.


It is very hot here today.  It got up to 33 C. (91 F) today and it is just too hot for this Pacific Northwest Girl. (I love the rain!)  It makes me sleepy.  I am still quite happily sleeping outside but I am worried when it starts to get too cold.  Sleeping outside stops the panic attacks.  OK.  Time to lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness.

Resentment

Is this the anger part of the grieving process?  I actually think the "grieving process" is a load of crap.  If you want to know what I believe about grieving you can read it here.   Anyway, my brother is pissing me off to no end.  I am too tired to write about it and it is probably for the best because I don't want to look back at this one day and be angry all over again.  Let me just say that he gets annoyed when my mom receives the many drugs she is presently receiving for pain.  He is a recovering alcoholic and thinks all drugs (legal and illegal) are unnecessary, including chemo.   Yes, he thinks there should be no morphine, no ativan, no medications at all in his books.   The light is really bothering my mom right now so her room is darkened.  He thinks it is a good idea that she gets some light so he opens the blinds wide. My mom and I received Reiki this afternoon and just as we were both about to fall asleep he shows up. My mom said she was very tired and wanted to sleep.  He said if she was going to sleep then he was just going to leave.  He also (get this) brought her rice crackers to eat!! My mom has been on liquids for over a month now.  He thinks she should have some scrambled eggs so she can get some strength and go home.  OK, OK I said I was not going to rant but MY GOD!  I love my brother, I do but sometimes I think my cat has more compassion and common sense. (And we all know how loving he is.) 
OK, rant over,  First day of school tomorrow and I need to go to bed.  ( I am still sleeping outside.)  And yes, I will get over this because I do know that the resentment only hurts me. 

Puzzles

Spent most of yesterday and a lot of today with my mom.  Her mind seemed clearer today.  She is even making jokes.   I am fussing over her because I am still a nurse and patient comfort is always a priority in  my mind.  I can make anyone comfortable.  It is a gift. It is my gift.  I just seem to know what is wrong and how to fix it without being asked.   Dim lights.  Raise the head of the bed.  Pillows under and between the knees.  Fresh water. Turn the TV off.  Don't ask too many questions.  Keep chitter-chatter to a minimum.  Turn the patient on her other side.  Wash her face.  Warm blankets from the warming oven.  Light healing touch.  Mouth care.  Open the window.  Close the window.  Fan on. Fan off.  Call for pain meds before they are needed.  Ativan for anxiety.  Soft music.  Music with memories attached. No music.  Silliness.  Seriousness.  Teasing. ("Cancer is making you bossy!")  Listening, always listening.  Watching, always watching.  Are there smells in the room?  Talk about death. Talk about being well. 


Only this patient is my mom.  My mommy.  I am not doing anything extra special for her.  There is love for everyone I care for behind what I do. But this patient has loved me forever.  There is a strong force that I can't leave behind at the end of the day. I bring this one home with me.  


Maybe I fuss too much because yesterday as I fussed I asked her if there was anything else I could do.  She replied, "Yes... Get lost!"  I laughed out loud.  She said something similar to my dad when he was talking too much.  She said, " Honey could you please get me another pillow and put it over your face". hee hee  


I also sat and did a puzzle.  I only got the border done and that was with help.  I spoke to my mom's life long friend who I still call Auntie Dee.  She lost her husband to cancer.  She is one of the most down to earth people I know.  She told my mom that when she dies to make sure that if she wants to visit her to damn well make sure it is not at night and or she will scare the bejesus out of her. ha ha


I watch other families in the Palliative ward.  We are all gentle with one another and yet allow space because now is not the time to be supporting anyone other than our loved ones. 


So, it all starts again tomorrow.  Or maybe I will go up tonight and just sit with her.  I wish for a day like today.  I don't pray much anymore because I don't think there is any point.  I have prayed all along and I think God does whatever the hell He/She wants and doesn't have time or care enough to make this easy.  The meds will see to that.  My strength right now comes from the people that would walk in front of a train for me.  Maybe that is God.  Maybe it isn't. 

Cancer

 I hesitated to share such intimate photos from two posts back and didn't know how they would be received.  However, she is still living.  She is worth celebrating.  These photos are not about dying but the last stages of living.  They are about celebrating life.  They are photos about a love so pure that no words can capture. They are about new love and about mature love.  They are proof that love never dies.    


I am so tired.  I have never felt this drained and hopeless.  My fingers are heavy and have trouble finding the right keys to type this post.  I tried to nap this afternoon but rest came like a demon and caused panic and anxiety.  Dreams of a world without my mom, no god, no afterlife.  Dreams of such emptiness that I could not even cry.


My mom talks now of wanting to die.  She begs us to let her die.  There is no solace or comfort for her.  My dad's personality sinks further away into the blackness  daily.  I struggle to remember who I am.  I resent my brother who does nothing.  


My thoughts are scattered and there is no smile on my face today.  I struggle to take a breath.  I am not hungry.  I am shaking.  


Now it is time to go back to the hospital to watch cancer cover us all in its inky blackness and steal away my mom.


Yes, this is cancer and what it has done to our family.