An Outside Post

It is after 1:00 a.m. and as usual I cannot sleep.  I am still sleeping outside.  I don`t know why but the world does not seem as frightening when I am out here.  Panic attacks stay away.  Fear does not sleep beside me.  The world is a gentle place.  I look right now up into the night sky and think of you my readers who are closer to me than people I see often. I look at the moon (that is covered by west coast clouds right now) and I know many of you look up at that same moon and think of me. This makes me feel small and safe and loved.  Some of these posts have been so hard to write and it is your comments that keep me writing.


I am listening right now to Snatnam Kaur.  She is a Sikh.  Her music is beautiful and expresses what is in my heart.  The song thingy to the right is playing what I am listening to right now.


My mom.  *sigh*  I never expected her to improve on the palliative ward but that is what is happening.  Yes, the disease marches on but her pain is under control.  She is on lot of medication and seems OK.  She says things that are very funny like when she asked me if I would see to it that I would get rid of the sweat pants my dad wore today.  I have to admit, they are hideous.  But along with that she says things that are hurtful.  My mom would not want to hurt me in a million lifetimes and yet... 


She is also gets fixated on things.  Today she decided that she is leaving the hospital tomorrow because she needs new glasses. She told us that we are taking her in the morning to get glasses then she is going home in the afternoon for a nap.  Yes, my mom appears better but there is no way she is ever leaving the Palliative ward alive.  It hurts me that I can't do this for her.  It frustrates me that she asks. She gets snippy with me and my dad.  Does she not see how hard we are trying?  It is little silly things like when I tracked down her favourite ice cream only for me to find out she hates it and has never liked it ever.  Again, small and silly but I am trying so hard for her last days of living to be comfortable and maybe even nice.  This is what Hospice and Palliative are all about.  I don't know.  I am tired.  


In other news, we are still looking after my mom and dad's chocolate Lab.  He is NUTS and getting old (almost 13) and has the worst farts I have ever smelled come out of any creature.  He clears the top floor of our house.  He is also very funny.  He is a true Retriever and will chase after a ball from sun-up to bedtime.  So far he has found 11 balls in our yard left in the dense overgrown bushes of the previous owner's son.  The sad thing is I know he is getting homesick.  He had so much fun here the first week and now I can tell he just wants to go home.   Poor dog.


Tomorrow night I am taking a course on caring for chickens in your own backyard!  Eeeeee!  I am so excited!  I talked my 15 year old son into coming with me.  This time next year I expect to have my first eggs. I am going to get them as day old chicks so the think I am their mama.  I am going to name all of them and they will be my friends.  As my favourite author wrote about her first pet canary, "I shall be his god".  ha ha  What blasphemy!  What fun!


OK, it is 1:20 a.m. and I am going to attempt sleep.  If you are by chance reading this, I just may look up to the sky and fall asleep thinking of all of you.