.
With the funeral home out of the way I got to planning the Celebration of Life. I have it all figured out and now I just need to do a slideshow with music that my brother-in-law is going to help me with. The songs for the slideshow will be Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens, The Rose by Bette Midler and To Where You are Josh Groban. My mom's singing group is going to sing, What a Wonderful World, That’s What Friends are For and Can You Feel the Love. There will also be two poems read that were written by my great aunt who was a published poet. And my aunt who is not really my aunt but I call her my aunt because she knew while I was still a twinkle in my dad's eye (as she says) is doing the eulogy.. And the minister is going to yap about stuff. And Psalm 23 and Ecclesiastes 3. By the way, I said shit in front of the minister but she didn't seem to mind. And she gets annoyed at people always referring to God a He. So she says She when the mood strikes, Three of my cousins (and dear god I have a LOT of cousins!) are going to usher. One is doing all the catering, god bless him. We are going to sing Amazing Grace at the end but I specified I didn't want the looooong and drawn out depressing version. I want the happy version. And I don't know. Other stuff will be thrown in there I guess.
Here was something that was fun! I had 12 minutes to write the obituary. Yes, 12 minutes to get it into the paper in time. I did a bit of a crappy job but I am too tired to think about it right now. I know my mom would tell me not to worry about it so I won't
I also still have to do the Order of Service and take them to the printers.
But how am I doing you ask? Well it is 4:20 in the morning and I have not slept. I go between sobbing that comes from my soul to anger at all I have to do with little or no help from my siblings. (OK, I am doing everything. Everything.) I started laughing out loud when my mom's friend told me a funny story about driving down the free way. My eyes sting all the time from crying. I wonder if my last memory of her being so sick will ever fade away because right now that is all I can see. It makes me desperately sad. At the same time there was a relief now that this fucking hell journey is over for her. Any of you that have lost loved one, does that awful memory slip away eventually? The memory when they are really sick near then end and they don't even look like your loved on anymore? Maybe that is to let me know she is really dead and not coming back
I hope this is making sense because I am so tired. I am not going to be a grammar snob tonight.
No. The memory does not ever go away but it becomes just one picture in the mind's photo album. It is not THE picture.
ReplyDeleteThat's how it's been for me.
I hope you get some sleep soon. You really have to take care of yourself right now, too. And that means sleep. Your mom would want that.
Sleep, it will help. Be kind to yourself. And the keepsake urn is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful Celebration of Life you have planned. Such celebrations are important to you, your family, and her community of friends and neighbors.
ReplyDelete. -- barbara
Hi Birdie .. I've been told you'll realise you're the one that will be satisfied that you have been there and done it all .. it will be your family that at some stage will come to their senses.
ReplyDeleteMore importantly I'm glad you've changed the funeral home and you have your Celebration of Life ready for your service of farewell - your mother will be so pleased with you and your time you spent ..
The sad times and dark days or nights will fade .. for now the grief needs to come out - but hide the difficulties ..it's a challenge - but remember the happy times you had .. with many thoughts - Hilary
Go easy on yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but try.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ms. Moon -- I think we eventually incorporate those sad and awful moments into our lives -- they don't go away but actually become a part of us. I do think pain goes away and becomes at least bearable.
Love and blessings to you.
Not a grammar snob for now? Oh dear, how disappointing.
ReplyDeleteDear Birdie,
You anger will give way to mourning, mourning will become raving and ranting about the hard dying your mum had, then you will accept (in a while yet, nothing happens overnight) and really mourn, in an accepting kind of way.
And then, later on, you will remember your mum and all the lovely times you had together and how much love there was between you.
You will remember for ever and that will be all, everything else will have gone.
My very best wishes,
Friko
Friko is exactly right. Losing someone so dear goes in somewhat predictable stages, like having cancer does - shock, pain, depression, etc, and finally acceptance and hope.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who lost a child when she was barely three. She had been sick all of her life and was awaiting a transplant. When one was finally found, the child had just developed pneumonia and could not undergo surgery. the organ went to the next person on the list. So much hope at the end, only to lose her little one in the following days.
She went into therapy for a while. Stopped socializing. But eventually accepted her loss and moved on.
That was probably twelve years ago, and today she's bright, charming, witty, smiling. She can talk about her daughter, sometimes tearing up, sometimes calmly. It hasn't been easy, but she made it.
So will you.
There is much wisdom in the above comments - particularly Friko and EthelMae's. Those images will indeed fade. Not disappear but they will diminish and those lovely memories will come flooding back to take over your mind's eye when you look back and remember your mother. I have been through something similar. An image that haunted me for a long while is now just there when I call it up. All the lovely memories are much more to the surface.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you changed funeral homes. The service sounds like it will be just lovely.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, first of all.
ReplyDeleteThe state of overwhelmedness you are in is big and wide and deep.
I think one has to consciously strive to replace the visions of suffering with other images. Will them to come to you.
Wishing you peace.
WOW - I've been brought up 'knowing' what my mother wants at her funeral and it is "The Rose" - Bette Midler, "Morning Has Broken" - Cat Stevens AND "Amazing Grace" - the 'happy' 'upbeat' version!
ReplyDelete*snap*
Be kind and gentle with yourself
I agree with Ms. Moon... the memory of your loved one being sick doe snot go away but yes it is just one picture in your mind... when three of my grandparents passed away, I remember them sick but it is like a snap shot...but when I remember the good parts when we laughed and played together, it is like a movie that plays in my mind...
ReplyDeleteThe celebration of life sounds beautiful and you have chosen such beautiful music to go with it.... it is sad to hear that you are the only one of your siblings doing it all but maybe it is because they know that you will do the best job and one that would honor your mom the best... maybe you were the closest to her?
lots of loving thoughts coming your way.
You have written such a wonderful description, it brings back memories of my own mom's service (cancer, ashes and all). Even the minister, as my mom's was also a woman who wouldn't have batted an eye to cursing.
ReplyDeleteI think seeing them old is to remind us that life is over, and that we will also be there some day. But you will also have all of the pictures and stories from the service, so that will temper your memories.
Peace to you and your family,
Ahhhh, you are doing a great job and your mum is proud of what you're accomplishing... one day or night you might have a dream or a visit and that is the image I keep in my head, not the one of an elderly sick person. The other image is there, but not dominant.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get some sleep.... hugs!