Rambling
The cursor blinks at me and I am trying to come up with words. I am so tired. My words and thoughts are jumbled. I am making stupid mistakes. My neck aches. I stare a lot. I cry a lot. I am doing a remarkable job of putting together my mom's service. Everyone says so. I am so strong. Everyone says so. But I am not even me right now. I am some other person because the real me is on her knees and can't breathe. I am talking to my mom out loud but I am not hearing anything back. I had enough foresight to purchase five copies of this little book to give to people with a thank you card to thank them for being there for my mom. It is a nice little book. Our gas got turned off (accidentally) so I did not get to have a hot bath tonight. I am wrapped up in my mom's pink fuzzy robe that I took from the hospital room. I am still cold. My brother in law did a beautiful slideshow of my mom with the songs mentioned and then he gave me a big hug. And I did not have the words to thank him or tell him I love him and how glad I am that he is my sister's partner and my niece's dad. And my dad told me today that he is lonely. He told me that he went to visit his son's grave today. He died when he was nine. And I did not have any words for him either. My cat is being a bastard and took off and won't come back. I got to hold my baby niece and I got to love on her. And I fed her and changed her diaper. And I held her and told her I loved her. I got to love on my six year old niece and she gave me a tattoo. I told her I loved her. I am picking out flowers tomorrow with my aunt. I looked at pictures of my mom and realized I forgot that she was ever young. I am angry at one of my mom's closest friends that didn't come to see my mom in the hospital because she is very religious and her husband wouldn't allow it. The picture in my post made me smile. And then I stopped. I need to buy ink for my printer. I want chocolate. I am worried about my dad. I feel my mom close. I am going to go make some hot chocolate because I am still cold.
Hi Birdie ... it's not surprising you are taking everyone's challenges on board .. but somehow - just now - you need to concentrate on you .. at least you're pouring the words out ..
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you a lot .. you sound exhausted and despairing of your loss .. and I hope you can find someone you can talk to .. just to be there - a shoulder to cry on .. to walk with you through this journey - all the very best - Hilary
After my friend Sue died I couldn't do a damn thing for weeks except sit and watch informercials. It was all I was capable of.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT yourself these days. Believe me. But it's okay. I promise.
you are cold and alive and feeling and beautiful and even, healing. what you put here is exactly right. these are your words. these are your motions in being.
ReplyDeletelove)))
xo
erin
Good work Birdie, as it should be You send us tears and we'll send you hugs. :-)
ReplyDeleteOne foot in front of another. The hardest thing for me about death is the knowledge that life still goes on for everyone else. When my dad died, it seemed that everything should just stop. At least for awhile, but it didn't. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI loved my dad so dearly that even a national holiday would not have made me feel any better about his death... I just f'ng missed him beyond my own capacity for understanding it. I still do. I always will. But I can laugh and cry and know that he was close during those days after he passed over and he loved me then and if he has time now, he still does. These are hard days of yearning and missing and grieving... and they will pass into days of gentler pain and eventually laughter.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing all you can for everyone else and there is still YOU needing hugs and smiles and consolation too... by the way, think how your mom's friend is feeling knowing that she was denied that last visit ... it can't be easy for her at all. Your anger is probably displaced, and I hope is passing by with the clouds now.
Sending you huge hugs, and intending each day gets easier for you...
Dear Birdie,
ReplyDeleteyou are amazing! this whole post made me see and understand what you are going through. that you even thought of others and bought them the little book is just your kind, loving nature shining through.
here if you need me
love
elle
What religion doesn't allow you to visit the sick? Oh and FYI...Ramble on! It is good therapy and you are loved. Although I have to say that your "rambling" is extremely cohesive for one who has been through so much.
ReplyDeleteJust keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on breathing. You're doing fine. Finer than you know.
ReplyDeleteDear Birdie,
ReplyDeleteI have tears in my eyes & my throat hurts just thinking of what you are going through right now.
Your grief will abate, you will get through this, you will miss her forever, you will remember the good times.
Just be gentle with yourself, for as long as it takes.
G'night God Bless.
(as my Mum used to say)
Maggie
Birdie, you're doing well under the circumstances. My mom passed -- two weeks now -- thanks for your support. I had to do much too and now I'm thinking I could have done more. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteBirdie,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you are two people right now--which is useful. Your two selves will find each other again. Meanwhile, get warm. And keep talking about love.