I went to Hospice House today and cried and cried. I am just not getting this whole grief thing. I mean, sometimes I will be driving down the road and a cool song comes on. It is a nice sunny day and I feel happy. Then I feel weird because my mom just died. And that is another thing. I thought she had died 4 weeks ago and it was only 3. When I read my posts the next day I don't remember writing them. I leave stove elements on. I cried a lot today because I am afraid if reincarnation it true my mom has moved on and has forgotten about me. That thought is more than I can handle right now. When I thought on reincarnation I just felt sad and hopeless. What is the point? I want to see my mom again. I want to spend eternity with all these people that I love so much. I don't want to be reincarnated. And I am sorry to those of you who are reading this that believe in reincarnation but the thought of that right now brings me no comfort.
I am not sleeping. It is currently 2:14 in the morning. I bought some Sleepy Time tea today and I am supposed to drink a cup before bedtime and 3 -4 cups in the evening. That is 5 cups of tea. Ladies, tell me what is wrong with this. In fact, let's make this a contest! My first contest! I will put all the correct answers in a hat and do a draw thing. I will send you something cool. I will do the draw on Monday at 6:00 pm.
So, yeah. I have a lot of other things I could say but I am not in the mood. Oh, here is this. I can't get a hold of my dad. He went up to the cabin and his cell phone is not working. The cell phone always works at the cabin. I keep getting a message that he is out of the service area.
Anyway, that is it. I am too tired to proofread so I hope this makes some sort of sense. I am going to go find some chocolate.
You are not alone in your frustration. In a previous life I created a website for the school I worked at, now I struggle to get the photos on my blog where I want them. I've forgotten so much stuff and I hate my brain for letting me down. It isn't just technology but words. So often I struggle to find the right word and end up saying the stupidest things and look like a fool. Now where's that chocolate.
ReplyDeleteI'm 66. My brain is tired and so is my body. I never could program and I do well to get pics on my web site. But I do know about drinking 4-5 cups of anything before bed. I'd be up all night on the toilet. So I'd be better just to get up and stay up.
ReplyDeleteHang in there girl it ill get easier over time. It's only been a month for Pete's sake! Toooooo hard on yourself. And we like you blog so you'd better not go anywhere!!!!! I went through a similar period where I tried to change my blog and totally messed it all up. You'll work it out.
ReplyDeleteI think you're in a state of grief, Birdie. That's okay. your mother has just died. Give it time. Let it sink in. Your grief needs lots of time.
ReplyDeleteGrief takes time. Lots of time. You do need to sleep though.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs.
Sleepytime tea should come with a free catheter, so that you don't have to get up to pee all night long! As to your Dad, he's off grieving in his own way and it doesn't include answering the phone.
ReplyDeleteMy husband broke a dish last night (smashed to smithereens) that belonged to my Mother. It is so irrevocable and I have such a feeling of loss all over again. It's been five years but I couldn't stop crying last night.
i'm with the others... after 1 cup of tea i spend time on the pot every 30 minutes... i can't imagine what it would be for 5 cups! may as well get a blanket and sleep on the toity!
ReplyDeletegrieving... as much as people have studied, researched, written about it... i think it's very personal and individual... different for each person... i think you just go with it and eventually come out on the other side... albeit, changed but on the other side
Hi Birdie .. look after yourself .. grief is a challenge - the Hospice should and I hope do offer you help and just someone to chat to. Have a peaceful weekend .. you've done your absolute best ... Hilaryvensi
ReplyDeleteChocolate is good. So is tea. So is allowing yourself as much time as possible to grieve.
ReplyDeleteValerian root is a good (temporary) sleep aid... I can't stand the smell of it when I open the container though - smells like my ex-husband's stinky feet - YUCK!
ReplyDeleteNo sleep, grief, raw emotions - no wonder you can't read, can't re-do your blog, etc. Give yourself a break! I am so sorry you are missing your Mom. She's busy on the other side getting all that arrival paperwork done, most likely (smile?) and will be arriving in a dream very soon. That's another reason you need to go to sleep!!
Seriously sending you Reiki and prayers and hugs...
I feel your pain of losing your Mom...I lost mine 6 years ago and I still miss her, of course. Your Dad? I do not know. The sleep thing is how I turned to sleep meds...and they work for me.
ReplyDeleteI think WE should be SENDING YOU something cool.
ReplyDeleteFive cups of tea? Might cause us to have to get up and pee?
Okay- best sleeping combo ever that I've tried: One Ativan (and you can take it as early as seven in the evening. Whenever) PLUS one or two Midnight sleep aids.
http://www.midnitesleep.com/
Entirely natural. Well, except for the Ativan part. Can you get your hands on some?
Plain old Benadryl works well too.
That Midnight stuff works pretty well on its own but if you add it to the Ativan...well. It works for me.
OH SWEETIE xxx
ReplyDeleteI can help you with your blog - email me and let me know what you are wanting and we can do it together xxx
Oh Birdie, I am so sorry that I am late in getting around to read my blog friends and I just came on to see your mother has passed. I am so sorry though I know how hard her illness was on the both of you as well. My heart is with you, sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteI don't think a soul ever forgets who it loves. Even if they are reincarnated, and who knows how long that takes as time on the Other Side does not exist in the same frame as our own. Perhaps we are gone from this existence 100 or more years before resuming life. If that is the case, we may all meet up once again before re-birth. I could never imagine forgetting what it means to share my love with those closest to me.
Is there reincarnation? I don't know. The only thing I truly believe is that when we pass we are all in our higher mind and everything becomes clear. Our fears, insecurities, pain and all other negative emotions fall from us as we sit in the light of our creator and just shine.
You do need to sleep honey. Perhaps you can ask a doctor for a temporary sedative? Please take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts. Mina
I'm still "getting over" my divorce. Almost five years after I was dumped. One day at a time. What you are going through is much bigger.
ReplyDeleteI joke about starting a new company. "Phones for Old Farts." I hate my fucking phone. I have to press 4 or 5 keys to get to my contacts. Everything in my damn house beeps. We must be kind to ourselves over all this inane frustration. Or just get an ax and chop up the phones.
Tea is so good! Makes me so sleepy, but yeh, damn having to pee all the time!
ReplyDeletebless your heart! this is a hard time for you right now. you have the right to be angry, sad, moody, and down right bitchy. 5 cups of tea before bedtime??!! i need to tinkle just thinking about that! hugs and love to you!!! always here if you need to talk or to shout
ReplyDelete<3
elle
grief turns your world upsite down while you are riding a roller coaster in the amusement park of hell.
ReplyDeleteno patience, irritation at everything and everyone, including your microwave, you can feel the various splinters of your broken heart in your eyes. everything looks different.
Hug your girl as often as you can. my girls and I called this "strength hugs-hugs that give strength from ne to the other" (translated from the Hebrew) when they were little and now that they are adults, we send these kinds of hugs back and forth over the oceans. Over so many years (decades) it's developed a deeply personal support & meaning for each of us.
Have you gotten a hold of your dad?
ReplyDeleteYour grief breaks my heart. I hope you find peace soon.
Your blog is beautiful even if you don't like the template and Blogger is all about end times messages.
You are beautiful, and that is everything.