My Feathers are Still Ruffled

It has come to my attention tonight (here at 2:30 a.m.) that I have a tremendous amount of anger and resentment to a certain person and to the group that person belongs to. It was over 10 years ago but I am still angry.  A group of "Christians" came into my home in the lowest time of my life and kicked my teeth in.  I was told that I was demon possessed because my daughter was born with a genetic disease.  The hurt that I was put through at their hands was horrible and in many ways "unforgivable".   Anyway, whatever right?


 It brings me to today and I KNOW I need to let this shit go.  I rarely see these people anymore and this resentment is only messing up my path.  It is such garbage in my life.  It was always insinuated that I was a "less than Christian"  Everybody else had their shit together except me.  I was outspoken and put my disbelief on the table and it appalled them. It was never really disbelief but questions I had.  Maybe the same questions I had frightened them because they had them too.  Basically, I was told my questions were inappropriate. I felt so useless in that church. I was  a lower class Christian. 


OK, OK, OK. So now what.  How do I forgive?  I guess I need to look at where I was spiritually and see that I was with a group of rule-followers and I see now that I am more led by my feelings and emotions.  God speaks to me through music and nature.  God speaks to me through meditation and Yoga.  God speaks to them in very different ways and it is not my place to make judgment on them. They however felt they could judge me!  I guess I just did not FIT.   Admittedly I was young and had so much to learn (I still do).  


I want to be free from this hurt and resentment.  My Higher Power (whoever that is) has been bringing me this in my dreams and though I have been having these dreams for some time this is the first night I finally understood why I have been having these dreams.  


So, time to move on.  Let it go.  Give it to the Universe.  

Namaste

How can I begin to think of myself as a writer when I do not actually write anything.

My baby turned 15 today.  He towers over me.  And now that we are into the dreaded teen years nothing bad has happened. In fact, he continues to be the same sweet son he has always been.  Though is 5'8 and 150 pounds he is still my little baby running around in blue jean Osh Kosh Overalls.   Shit, where does the time go?  It is hard not to feel a little sad.  So bitter-sweet.

I think it is time I seriously start taking my weight into consideration.  I am getting far too fat.  Maybe go back on sparkpeople and start using the rebounder.  OK, off to surf.

Tired!

Ok, this laptop could prove to be a bad idea if I keep taking it to bed and not sleeping. I am really tired tonight and it is because I was on this thing last night.  bah

So, nothing new.  Went out for coffee with Michelle and she is thinking of leaving her husband.  What can I say? She is unhappy.

Anyway, I guess that is it.  Sleep will come quickly tonight. I should have been asleep an hour ago.  Turning this thing off now. How is that for will-power? I rock!

One Day Past My 40th Birthday

So, here I am in bed on February 21.  I turned 40 yesterday and quite frankly I am really happy about it.  I think this is great!  I can say that technology is getting away from me.  It has taken me several hours to get this new laptop going.  My face and hair are looking 40.  Inside though I feel fucking great.  I would not turn back the clock for anything. 
Anyway, I have been journaling in a book and here on blogger off and on but I am hoping with my new laptop I will journal more often.


So, here it goes!