A Confession

Here it is. My deep dark secret.  I know I will disappoint some of you.  Some will despise me and never read my blog again but I must tell you the truth. I hate Halloween.  

I hate everything about it.  When my kids were small I dressed them up and took them out, hating it the entire time.  Now that they are older I still hate it.  Why?  Here are some of the reasons. 

 My brother and his friends saw to it that I would be traumatized every Halloween by scaring me all throughout October.  I would walk around in a perpetually terrified state knowing they were going to do something horrible. My adrenal glands were constantly on high alert. They told me every year that they were going to put Neet in my hair.  I also hate loud noises so I hated the screechers and fire crackers.  I hated going out into our rainy October nights.  Once I went through a haunted house where a man in a coffin jumped out at me.  I hated it because Ian J.  won the prize for best costume every year.  He dressed as the same robot every year.  Tin foil on a cardboard box.  Every year.  I hate that Halloween scares animals. So, I hate it.  


Norbert is still sick.  The abscess I thought was drained is not so I am still manually draining it 4 times a day.  It hurts him and it is so gross.  He  is still wearing the cone of shame.  I have had to cut a whole bunch of fur off his back.  I am also using Tea Tree oil so all the fur around the abscess is all oily. Poor kitty. 

I did end up going out the other night. I had a great time.  I did not drink anything other than OJ &7-Up and decaf coffee as I knew I would be driving.  I was home before 10:00.  I was not the only one looking forward to a hot bath and going to bed with a good book. 

I am going back to work this week but just part-time.  I need the money or I would not be going back yet. 

That is about it.  I was up at 5:00 as my fiancé was snoring and I had to take care of Norbert.  I know a nap will be in order sometime today. 

PS- Please keep loving me even though I hate Halloween.  It is the only holiday I hate. 

Norbert's (aka Ungrateful Bastard)  puncture wound seems better this morning.  I am draining it ever 6 hours (gag)  and when I went to drain it this morning there was no more drainage.   Good thing.  I will have to keep on top of it though.
I slept in until noon today.  I am still in my pyjamas and just finished reading blogs.  I am now typing and listening to this song.   It is hard to type! My laptop is bouncing away. One of the best videos I have ever watched.  Awesome. 
Now it is time to get out of my pyjamas and get into my gardening clothes.  I bought the Garden Claw this week.  I can't wait to use it!  Eeeeeee!  


Later that day -


I am inside now.   I was outside for almost 3 hours.  I weeded about 6 feet.  Does that tell you what miserable shape our garden is in?  THE CLAW worked wonderfully but it is hard work.  I found so many spiders and worms.  Our chickens that we are getting next Spring are going to be so clucking happy.
I am supposed to go to a 40th birthday party tonight but I am so tired.  I just want to stay in my warm clothes, have a hot bath and go to bed early and read a book.  Aren't I fun?  But go I will. I think I am going to go have a nap before I have to leave in an hour.  


Love, Peace and Harmony ladies... I love you. I don't say it enough but thanks for reading and the comments. I feel loved.  And that is an amazing thing.  

Poor Norbert

My poor Ungrateful Bastard is really sick.  He has a large puncture would on his spine that has abscessed. (It looks like he was attacked by another cat.)  I have to drain it every four hours and clean it with peroxide and then a thick layer of Polysporin. I then put the cone of shame on him.  Everyone who has ever owned a sick pet knows about the cone of shame.  Since I have not worked since mid-April in order to care for my mom,  I have no money to take him to the vet.  I called this afternoon and it was going to be over $100.00 just for the vet to see him.  If I had the money I would take him but I don't.  Anyway,  I am taking care of him myself.  I am going to call a pharmacy in the morning and see if I can get him some antibiotics.  Poor kitty.  

Finding a Place for Grief

In a world where we are encouraged to organize and deal with everything, I am having a difficult time finding a place and time to grieve.  I cried yesterday while giving blood.  I cried at the orthodontist today.  My employer called and I got teary but fought very hard to not cry.  I cried when my step-mom called.  I just cry all the time.  I am crying now.  I wish I could set a time and place to do my grieving but it doesn't work like that.  I feel so empty after crying even though everyone tells me that crying is good.  I don't like feeling empty.  This is different than any crying I have ever done.  The tears come so fast.  There is no sound.
  
Ms Moon, lovely Ms. Moon told me this would be a holy time and she is right.  I feel very connected to the Universe and God right now.  I meet people who have gone through loss and I feel connected to them.  I feel connected to all of you.  It is strange to feel so much love from people I have never met. It is this love and connection that gets me up out of bed everyday even though I have to have a nap.   


Anyway, it has taken me over an hour to write this post.  I am spent.  My sweetie is making me a grilled cheese sandwich and fries and gravy.  Comfort food, god bless his heart. 


Ungrateful Bastard is still sick. He freaks out, hisses and tries to bit me when I pick him up.  He stayed in his basket almost all day today.   I wonder if he fell or was attacked by a dog.  he is eating and drinking but he is in the baddest mood I have ever seen him in.  Good grief.  I can't beleive I wrote "the baddest mood I have ever seen him in".  Baddest is not a word and  don't believe in ending a sentence in a preposition.  Ah. Who the hell cares any more. 


PS- I forgot to do the pee draw at 6:00 on Monday.  I did remember at 6:00 but on Wednesday.  Judy C. is the winner of a yet undisclosed prize.  I promise, no tea! I do have a great card picked out. 

Snail Relocation Program

Not much going on on my world.  I am sad.  Melancholy.  Blue.  I sigh a lot.  I work in my yard and I will kneel down in the damp grass and sigh.  I pull my dirt-caked gloves off my hands and sigh.  I push my sweaty hair back and put my gloves back on and sigh again.  Then I go back to pulling out everything that is overgrown and tangled in the English ivy which is an invasive species here. It is growing up everything and choking it out; killing it. .  I am leaving very little as the ivy has taken over.  It feels nice to be outside.  The soil is rich and beautiful.  There are spiders and living things.  The soil is full of beautiful earth worms that I gently pick out and put in the compost so they will be happy.  I am finding lots of snails.  I know next year they will eat my vegetable garden.  I can't kill them as they are cute.  I keep them and relocate them to the provincial park across the street where they can live out their lives and be happy and do snail things, whatever that may be. 
 I have things to do this week.  Donate blood tomorrow.  Son has an orthodontist appointment Wednesday. Parent-teacher interviews Thursday.  Reiki Thursday.  Going to a play on Friday.  I am going to meet my step-mom for coffee this week.  She lost her dad a while back and is grieving.  And I just wrote the words step-mom  for a second I thought I sort of still have a mom and then this wave of guilt and grief washed over me and now tears stream down my face  as they do every night around this time.  Oh, god I miss her.  I miss my mom so much.  My god, it seems so surreal.  This can't have happened.  But it did.  I watched it happen.  I held her hand then crawled into bed with my mom as she died.  I feel so fucking lonely.  
I am supposed to go out with my girlfriends on Saturday to celebrate another one of us turning 40. I want to go.  I have known some of these women since I was 5.  I love them so much.  But I fear I am going to start crying. I guess I can step outside before the tears come.  Or maybe I should just stay home. 
At any rate, my love and I are going apple stealing tomorrow.  There is an abandoned orchard and the apples are falling to the ground and rotting.  We are going to go and rescue some.  There are about 300 trees.  
Anyway, that is all I have to say for tonight.  I am going to go wake up my fiancé and ask for some snuggles and cry in his arms for a while.


PS- I wrote this yesterday and posted it and just now realized it didn't post at all. 
Now it is the next day.  I gave blood today while I heard the nurse tell me how much she hated her doctor and then a a list of all the things wrong with herself.  I had bought my MP3 player and I just wanted to lay there and have quiet and rest peacefully but it was not to be.  And tonight it appears the Ungrateful Bastard is sick.  He won't let me pick him up.  I got him in a basket with a heating pad underneath and some towels but he growls and hisses.  Maybe he is doing a fake to make me appreciate him more

Prickly People

Ah, some days my friends my heart goes through a day like today and I offer it you bruised and broken.  I had a yucky day.  The first person I spent time with is a "born-again Christian" and she believes everyone is going to hell. The second person scoffed at my ideas about the power of touch, Reiki healing and love.  She rolled her eyes at one point.  I have so much trouble with prickly people.   I walk around this planet and just love on anyone and everyone.  I can't help it.  It is just the way I am.  I don't want to change and close myself up and be like the prickly people.  And yet, some days these people cause my heart pain.  I don't know.  I am called to love.  That's it.  I guess I should know by now that this life of mine will be painful at times.


Today Isa sent me this song and my heart once again felt warm and protected.  Please go over and say hi to Isa because she is a precious soul.  Her daughter just started Kindergarten and is as cute as a button!  


And I want to share this with you. 

Thanks
by W. S.  Mervin
Listen with the night falling we are saying thank you we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings we are running out of the glass rooms with our mouths full of food to look at the sky and say thank you we are standing by the water thanking it smiling by the windows looking out in our directions back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging after funerals we are saying thank you after the news of the dead whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you over telephones we are saying thank you in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators remembering wars and the police at the door and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you in the banks we are saying thank you in the faces of the officials and the rich and of all who will never change we go on saying thank you thank you with the animals dying around us our lost feelings we are saying thank you with the forests falling faster than the minutes of our lives we are saying thank you with the words going out like cells of a brain with the cities growing over us we are saying thank you faster and faster with nobody listening we are saying thank you we are saying thank you and waving dark though it is

I Hate my Blog

This happens whenever I have been blogging for about 6 months.  I start hating my template.  When I used to blog I could whip up a new template in minutes.  I have completely forgotten how! I was looking for something with an owl or a crow.  Blogger freaked out and told me in no uncertain terms that an error had occurred.  Ahhh,  I used to be so clever and knew how to do so many things.  In the last 10 years I have started having trouble with the simplest of tasks.  I have a basic cell phone and that I don't know how to dial.  No I am not kidding. Every time I dial I make a mistake and end up starting over.  My phone keeps telling me to "wait!".  How dare it and what is with the "!"?  Incidentally, I hate it when my microwave tells me to "enjoy your meal!"   It can fuck off too.  I am heating up a bean bag.  Anyway, I want a new fresh template but I don't know how to do it.  


I went to Hospice House today and cried and cried.  I am just not getting this whole grief thing.  I mean, sometimes I will be driving down the road and a cool song comes on. It is a nice sunny day and I feel happy. Then I feel weird because  my mom just died.  And that is another thing.  I thought she had died 4 weeks ago and it was only 3.  When I read my posts the next day I don't remember writing them.  I leave stove elements on.  I cried a lot today because I am afraid if reincarnation it true my mom has moved on and has forgotten about me.  That thought is more than I can handle right now.  When I thought on reincarnation I just felt sad and hopeless.  What is the point?  I want to see my mom again.  I want to spend eternity with all these people that I love so much.  I don't want to be reincarnated.  And I am sorry to those of you who are reading this that believe in reincarnation but the thought of that right now brings me no comfort. 


I am not sleeping.  It is currently 2:14 in the morning.  I bought some Sleepy Time tea today and I am supposed to drink a cup before bedtime and 3 -4 cups in the evening.  That is 5 cups of tea.  Ladies, tell me what is wrong with this. In fact, let's make this a contest!  My first contest! I will put all the correct answers in a hat and do a draw thing.  I will send you something cool.  I will do the draw on Monday at 6:00 pm.  


So, yeah.  I have a lot of other things I could say but I am not in the mood.  Oh, here is this.  I can't get a hold of my dad.  He went up to the cabin and his cell phone is not working.  The cell phone always works at the cabin.  I keep getting a message that he is out of the service area.  


Anyway, that is it.  I am too tired to proofread so I hope this makes some sort of sense. I am going to go find some chocolate. 

Title-less

Here I am at the undisclosed location this weekend.  I am home now and looking at pictures. The smile is somewhat genuine.  What catches my attention is how tired I look.  My hair is all stuffed into my touque.  My eyes are so puffy with dark circles around them.  Oh, well.  


The time away was very  nice.  I was able to put away some files into the proper places in my brain that had been sitting gathering dust.  I slept a lot.  I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I read.  I cried.  I laughed.  I cried more.  I ended up not going to the Upper Realm as "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" so I slept instead.  I read some more but I am having trouble focusing on reading.  I have never had this problem before.  I get angry at grief recovery books that throw all losses into the mix.  Don't, I mean don't try to tell me that losing a job or a pet is the same as losing a parent.  And I would smack anyone senseless that would say it is the same as losing a child. It isn't.  And it pisses me off that we are so fucking politically correct that we have got to the point where books are written and loss is brushed over with the same brush stroke and that some how getting over the loss of a job or a pet is the same as watching your mom die in front of you in the same hospital that she gave you life.  


Anyway...I guess I am dealing with a bit of anger.  I saw two ladies yesterday that I had not seen since my mom died.  Last time I saw them I told them my mom had days left to live.  When I saw them yesterday they did not say a fucking thing.  Is it that hard to say "I am sorry"?  These two women were not what I would call friends.  Our children do an activity together and I have known them for enough time to at least get an acknowledgement that my mom lived and then died. I don't know.  Maybe I am "just too sensitive" as people like to say.  I personally think most people are not sensitive enough.  "I am sorry to hear about your mom".  Eight words.  Acknowledge my fucking pain you bitches!
I sure am crabby tonight.  Twice in the last few days I have gone to phone my mom.  I am not able to sleep at night so I end up sleeping into the afternoon.  I went to the library today.  I told the lady there that my mom passed away and that is why I had not picked up some special order books. She had no issue with saying sorry.  Damn.  I need to let this one go.  I think it is not so much anger but I am in a state of confusion.  I am befuddled.  How can someone ignore a death?   At least pretend to give a shit. Psychopaths can do it why can't you?   God, I am on a roll tonight.  
Anyway. I got the newest Frances Itani book from the library. And some magazines on gardening. I got a book on grief that I am not going to read.  
OK, my sweetie just got up and was wondering why I am not in bed so I am going to go make another attempt at sleep. 
Here are some pictures from the undisclosed location. 

Grove

Graffiti 

George's Grange 

My Battery is Running Low

Undisclosed Location! 

And you thought I meant my life battery didn't you?  No.  I am away in an  undisclosed location where I am receiving a weak wireless connection and I forgot my battery/charger at home.  Actually, that is a lie  I remembered half if it. I don't know where the other half is.  I don't even there was an another half.


Today in my undisclosed location I spoke with a Buddhist poet.  He invited me to a Buddhist meditation tomorrow in a place called the Upper Realm. I think I shall go.  I also met with an itty  bitty woman that is no bigger than a minute but contained this huge spirit.  I spoke with her for 3 hours.  She shared much insight into my grief and my guilt at having grief in the first place. I will share the why of this when I return as my battery is down to 25%
I will tell you I bought a knitted hat, a top to soothe my inner hippy and a raincoat for my niece.  Yay because they were all thrifted bargains  I did buy two new books, one by David Sedaris. and another by Pema Chodeon.  That is it.  OK that is a lie.  I also bought three poetry books.   I love books.
Anyway, it is late at my undisclosed location and I am tired.  I will go meditate with some Buddhists tomorrow even though I am  a Quaker.  Which is about as close as you can get and it doesn't matter too much.. Or at all.  Love.  That is what it is about.  Love and learning and acceptance.  As you know I believe we need to open our hearts and minds and listen to what other people believe and why.  "Come Let Us Reason Together". Today it would probably say, "Let's go get a coffee and talk". So if someday any of you are in my neck of the woods and you feel like getting together for a coffee to reason together let me know.

I received a sympathy card in the mail today from a lady named Diane in Australia.  I don't know a Diane.  I was going to call my mom to ask if she knew.  Right.  I can't do that. 
And as per request,  updates on the Ungrateful Bastard.  I swear to all that is good and true.  The Ungrateful Bastard is trying to drive me over the precious edge of my sanity.  He cries like a baby now when he wants out.  Remember I mentioned previously that he has never been an outside cat?  Now he is the neighbourhood gadabout.  I caught him laying all stretched out on the neighbour's driveway.  It was an embarrassing spectacle.  His previously white paws have become a dingy grey.   He has ear mites now and has scratched all the fur off his ears.  He has scabs all over his body.  I hate calling him in at night because he ignores me.  I stand like a fucking moron calling him and shaking Temptations  .  I know all the neighbours must be laughing at me.


Here is how it goes... all voices are done by me. 




Act One
Scene One


Calling in a normal voice -  Norbert! Here kitty! Here puss, puss, puss!Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! 
Under my breath -                You fucking bastard,  come here.
Louder voice -                       Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Under my breath -                Fucking cat.
Normal Voice -                      Come on Norbert!  Kitty, kitty!
Under my breath -                Get in the house you ungrateful piece of shit
~~Open door and go inside
Louder voice -                      God damn fucking cat.  I don't know why I bother to own a cat at all. 
~~Outside 5 minutes later 
Louder voice -                     Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Calling louder through gritted teeth - NORBERT!
~~repeat about 12 times.
***Enter Norbert daintily prancing up the stairs 
Me in my gentle voice - What a good kitty you are. Mama loves you so much.  Do you want a treat?  Oh dear, you are all wet. Let Mama put the heater on for you and dry your fur. 


End of Scene One
Scene repeats itself over and over and over...

I mock you

Four in the Morning

I was up at 4:00 this morning. I can't sleep.  I am feeling rather lost and lonely.  The last couple of days I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt that I am grieving.  I keep comparing myself to others and I feel I really have no right to feel sad.  There are people out there that have lost a child.  There is nothing worse and I should be happy that I have my children and fiancé. 
When I started blogging about my mom's last stages of living I didn't consider that this blog would now become about grieving.  I am tired of all of it.  I just packed up a big box of stuff including all the sympathy cards because I don't want to think about this for another second. I am also waiting for the other shoe to fall because actually,  I don't feel that bad. I was feeling angry this evening for having to send thank you cards to people that sent flowers.  I am also just feeling relieved that she is no longer sick. My dad and I were so tired.  We cared for her for a long time.  It seems we are too tired to grieve.  And when I do grieve I feel guilty.

Happy Thanksgiving

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.  My first holiday without my mom.  I got very tired halfway through the meal.  We were talking about what we were thankful for and all I could think of was gratefulness that my mom is not sick any more.  I went on to say that I am so thankful for my family.  This ordeal has brought us all closer together.  
I am not eating much.  I didn't even have turkey or pie tonight.  Just not hungry.  I am going to try to get back to swimming but not water aerobics because I have no interest in people other than my family.  I really just want to stay home but I think going to the pool is important in so many ways.
I am not sleeping at night.  I fall asleep quickly and awaken 30 minutes later and can't go back to sleep.  My days are built around  things I have to do.  Going to get groceries and leaving as quickly as possible so I can come home.  I cleaned out the dust bunnies from under the bed today.  I changed the bed sheets and swept the floor. I cleaned the bathroom.  I look back and I don't exactly remember doing it but I know I did it because it is done.  
Well, there is a piece of pie waiting for me with my name on it.  
I miss my mom.  

Up and Down

Emotionally I don't know how I am doing.  Tired. Not tired.  Angry.  Sad.  Numb.  Restless.  Unmoving.  Cranky.  Confused.  Lost.  Silly.  Giggling.  Raging. 


I went to a grief support group this morning.  It was warm and welcoming. Afterwards I went to my mom and dad's house to see how my dad is doing.  He was in the yard chopping wood.  I went into the house and took some of my mom's clothes because I know she would tell me to take them, because she is  not going to be using them.   I came across her journals and brought them home too.  I started to read but now is not the time. I came across a book that someone had given her that promised her healing from cancer "if" she only "believed".  I also read an entry from her journal about when she went to see a "minister" that promised her healing "if" she only "believed".  I read in her journals with her unending belief that she had received a healing.  My mom was very hard on herself because she never received a healing and felt she had somehow gone wrong along the way. This makes me hate the human race. It makes me angry at people out there that claim to have "The Secret".  Dogs are more compassionate.  My cat is more compassionate and we know what an ungrateful bastard he is. I think I am going to go back to her house and burn that book.  Yes, I am. 


I saw my grief counsellor again yesterday.  (I have been seeing her for quite a while now.) I do believe I love her.  I do.  And I love the lady that gave me Reiki yesterday.  I love the Hospice volunteers. This makes me love the human race. It mostly pushes out the hate.  But the hate is such an angry blackened living thing.  But you people here in Blogland make me love people.  And so it goes, back and forth.

The service was yesterday.  I did not shed a tear.  I listened to my auntie  give her eulogy and my cousin read a poem and to two people that got up to share.  I did not listen to the minister. I have no idea what she said.  I am sure it was supposed to bring me comfort but I didn't want to be comforted by a stranger so I stared at a picture of my mom instead.


Today I feel... I don't know how to give words to what I feel.  This poem I found is the best I can do.


Grief comes in unexpected surges...    
Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.
It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest,
twisting me inside out.
Then recedes, leaving me broken.
 Oh, Mama, I don't want to eat, to walk to get out of bed.
Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering...
Nothing matters. 
I do not want to be distracted from my grief.
I wouldn't mind dying.
I wouldn't mind at all. 
~by Toby Talbert

Today is the day of my mom's service. I am doing part of her eulogy.   As soon as I woke up I started crying.  I don't want to go.  Not because I am nervous speaking in front of people, I have never been and large groups of people don't bother me.  I also know that everyone there loves my mom and will love me too.  I don't want to go because I am not ready to say goodbye.  So I am not going to.  I am not going to say good-bye today. 

Rambling

The cursor blinks at me and I am trying to come up with words.  I am so tired.  My words and thoughts are jumbled.  I am making stupid mistakes.  My neck aches.  I stare a lot.  I cry a lot.  I am doing a remarkable job of putting together my mom's service.  Everyone says so. I am so strong.  Everyone says so.  But I am not even me right now.  I am some other person because the real me is on her knees and can't breathe.  I am talking to my mom out loud but I am not hearing anything back.  I had enough foresight to purchase five copies of this little book to give to people with a thank you card to thank them for being there for my mom. It is a nice little book. Our gas got turned off (accidentally) so I did not get to have a hot bath tonight.  I am wrapped up in my mom's pink fuzzy robe that I took from the hospital room.  I am still cold.  My brother in law did a beautiful slideshow of my mom with the songs mentioned and then he gave me a big hug.  And I did not have the words to thank him or tell him I love him and how glad I am that he is my sister's partner and my niece's dad.  And my dad told me today that he is lonely. He told me that he went to visit his son's grave today.  He died when he was nine.  And I did not have any words for him either.  My cat is being a bastard and took off and won't come back.  I got to hold my baby niece and I got to love on her. And I fed her and changed her diaper.  And I held her and told her I loved her.   I got to love on my six year old niece and she gave me a tattoo. I told her I loved her.  I am picking out flowers tomorrow with my aunt.  I looked at pictures of my mom and realized I forgot that she was ever young. I am angry at one of my mom's closest friends that didn't come to see my mom in the hospital because she is very religious and her husband wouldn't allow it. The picture in my post made me smile.  And then I stopped.    I need to buy ink for my printer.  I want chocolate.  I am worried about my dad.  I feel my mom close.  I am going to go make some hot chocolate because I am still cold.