I went to a grief support group this morning. It was warm and welcoming. Afterwards I went to my mom and dad's house to see how my dad is doing. He was in the yard chopping wood. I went into the house and took some of my mom's clothes because I know she would tell me to take them, because she is not going to be using them. I came across her journals and brought them home too. I started to read but now is not the time. I came across a book that someone had given her that promised her healing from cancer "if" she only "believed". I also read an entry from her journal about when she went to see a "minister" that promised her healing "if" she only "believed". I read in her journals with her unending belief that she had received a healing. My mom was very hard on herself because she never received a healing and felt she had somehow gone wrong along the way. This makes me hate the human race. It makes me angry at people out there that claim to have "The Secret". Dogs are more compassionate. My cat is more compassionate and we know what an ungrateful bastard he is. I think I am going to go back to her house and burn that book. Yes, I am.
I saw my grief counsellor again yesterday. (I have been seeing her for quite a while now.) I do believe I love her. I do. And I love the lady that gave me Reiki yesterday. I love the Hospice volunteers. This makes me love the human race. It mostly pushes out the hate. But the hate is such an angry blackened living thing. But you people here in Blogland make me love people. And so it goes, back and forth.
A quote that sits on my desk and is the "theme" of my "book" that I've been writing for years about raising my daughter:
ReplyDelete"In curing, we are trying to get somewhere, we are looking for answers. In curing, our efforts are specifically designed to make something happen. In healing, we live questions instead of answers. We hang out in the unknown. We trust the emergence of whatever will be. We trust the insight will come. The challenge in medicine is not the choice between one and the other. We need both." Dr. Paul Epstein
I imagine that your mother, surrounded by Love, was healed.
I am so sorry. I only knew today.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Isa
Hi Birdie .. my thoughts are with you .. and with your father - he needs lots of understanding love now. Be as peaceful as you can be .. Hilary
ReplyDeleteI, too, am a bit angry about people who promise what they can't deliver. I'm pretty sure they don't mean to hurt people but they surely do.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers and thoughts are with you. Grief is a very complicated entity and any ting, any way you grieve is normal. Just remember that. Don't let anyone tell you that you should feel this way or that way....you process it it the way YOU need to at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI truly believe you are right about dogs and cats having more compassion than those faith people. Animals take the reality of a situation and deal with it. They do not offer "cure" they simply care.
ReplyDeleteIt is in our human nature to want to change the inevitable and yet, so often- we cannot. It is almost impossible for us to admit that, isn't it?
I don't know exactly what I'm saying here Birdie. Just that I am glad that you can find some comfort from those who simply offer you compassion and love and acceptance as you are in whatever state of grief you are in.
All of life is that same roller coaster. The upside is that it always gets better. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteA wise old lady once told me there are no bad people, just misguided people.
ReplyDeleteYou on the other hand seem to be doing just as you need to, keep up the good work.
Hugs to you and your dad and anyone else who needs them.
Condolences, Birdie, as you grieve your mother's death and her life that she shared with you... I know nothing, but believe much... and believe your mother was healed, if not cured. <>
ReplyDeleteI so hope you feel better and find peace soon. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteSending you peace in your grieving and in your healing.
ReplyDeleteI noticed the infinity sign on the post where to talked of your moms passing ... my older daughter has that tattooed on her foot.She got it right after Zoey was born. We all need to remember that love, the intense love that we feel at our core, is indeed infinite and forever.
I so hate cancer ... I have lost far too many that I have come to love, far too young. Far too unfair.
Thank you for your sweet comments on my blog. They have not gone unnoticed.
What a great photo illustrating the up and down roller coaster that life is. Cancer one of those creators of angst against hope. Who knows the reasons of others forth giving your Mom what appeared to be false hope. I can not say the effect they had on her. My Mom never gave up hope in her battle she wished so much to live a little longer. All I could do was offer what help I could. This caused her grief as she was a person to never want to appear to need help. I hope you find your self accepting the roller coaster of emotions you feel is normal. That the fact you tried to do good for your Mom is all you could offer.
ReplyDeleteJust dropped by to see how you are, and it seems you are managing as well as possible. Good for you for joining grief counseling! And shame on those who promised your mother and so many others that they would be receive a healing. "If you believe," "if your faith is strong enough,"...good grief. Even the most devout among us will eventually die and there is no amount of faith that will prevent that. If everyone who truly believed could be saved from cancer, don't these people realize that cancer would be all but wiped out? "Oh, excuse me all you dedicated men and women who have devoted your lives researching and finding ways to fight and cure cancer...we don't need you any more; all a person needs is faith, and he will be cured!"
ReplyDeletePrayer is a wonderful tool, a comfort and in itself can have some healing powers...but miracles are few and far between, and those who carelessly promise miracles for an ounce of faith so often cause only pain and anguish. Of greater help would be to offer prayer, comfort and love, compassion, a helping hand, understanding...and stop promising empty dreams to the terminally ill.
As a cancer survivor I have always been angered by those who pin recovery on how much you hope, believe or have positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteNot being hopeful did not cause my cancer, nor did it cure it. Sure, having a positive attitude is always preferred, but you aren't punished because you don't have one.
I found grief counseling to be incredibly beneficial. I pray you are finding the same.
hugs to you.