9 Pieces of Chicken

Before I left for work last night I put some chicken in the toaster oven for my son.  I told him to make some vegetables and to clean up and put away the leftovers in the fridge.  This morning I came home from work and I asked him if he put away the leftovers and he said no. Why? Because he ate the whole thing. Nine pieces of chicken! How can anyone eat that much? This child is never full. Ever. 

I am feeling a little better since last post and I thank you all for your comments.  It sure would be nice to be one of those people who are always happy.  Actually, no it wouldn't.  People like that are hard to connect with.  Give me a depressed and anxious person any day and I will have someone that is probably a little more patient, understanding and loving.  I know I need to be gentle with myself.  Anxiety and depression run in my family. My mom and both my grandmothers dealt with it.  It just seems like they were so much more together than I am.  

I must keep this post short as I need to have breakfast then go to bed.  The patient I was caring for was up no less than 12 times last night.  It is hard to watch someone you are caring for not be able to sleep.  OK, my eggs are ready. xo

Do you ever have days where you have so much to say on your blog but feel like you have already written it a million times?  That's how I feel today.  It is the usual stuff.  I am feeling depressed and anxious.  I am lonely, really lonely.  It is strange to me that I have access to the entire world via the Internet and yet I am still lonely. I am tired. I miss my mom.  In an effort to not have to deal with my life I went back to bed after I dropped my kids at school and stayed there until 1:30.  It would be so nice to run away from life.

I wish I had a different life, I wish I was braver and prettier or just happy. But it's useless to dream, because nothing ever changes -My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)

My son is 16 and never asks for much.  He is quite happy to buy his clothes at thrift stores.  From the time he was small he has been an easygoing person.  When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year he said a creeper hoodie.  I had no idea what he was talking about so he sent me an e mail of this. When I found out the price I freaked. It is $70.00!  I told him and in his usual gentle way he said he didn't need it. Let me say that I lived in poverty for years.  We didn't have all the stuff that other families had like food. My kids have never worn clothes that were not second-hand unless it was a gift. We went to the movie once a year and I had to save up for that.  This year I can afford the hoodie ($70.00!!) so  I am going to get it for him.  I can't wait for him to open it!

Exciting as Watching Paint Dry

First off I am happy to say that my BIL had an MRI and he appears to be free of cancer.  He has to undergo some more testing but that is very good news! 

I am in a blogging slump.  I have no new thoughts.  I have not even been answering comments.  It is that time of the year where everything slows down and not much happens.  School is going well.  Work is fine.  The family is happy.  The only issue right now is my thyroid.  I was just tested yesterday and I was able to get my results online.  It is low so medication will fix that.  

Here is what has happened in the last week-

• My key broke off in the lock of my car.  It is still in there.
• My hot tub chemicals are all screwed up because my daughter had a group of her friends over.
• I went to the doctor and had my thyroid tested.  It is low.
• My daughter is going to a jazz festival in February.
• I applied for a line of credit at the bank and was approved.
• My husband hurt his knee at work and refuses to go to the doctor.  He is going today. 
• I have been doing my Christmas shopping online.  I need to hurry up so I can have it completed by my self-imposed deadline of December 1.
• Are you still reading?  Seriously. My life is indeed this boring.
• I just spent over $550.00 for new tires from Costco. My current ones are almost like the ones in the picture.  
• I am reading "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed. I finished it. 
• That's it my lovelies. 

Oh golly it has been a long day. (Did I just say golly?)  My BIL had his scans yesterday but of course the don't tell you anything.  My dad is also quite sick from the Brachytherapy treatment he is going though. This morning I finished a short paper for school that was actually very difficult to write from an emotional stand-point.  There is a teeny piece of me that thinks maybe I am not the right person to work in palliative care but then the other piece of me knows that this is where the Universe has been guiding me my entire life.  There is so much to working with people in the last stages of living and I hope I will be able to uphold that honour. I hope I never cause anyone sadness or difficulty during their journey.  The fact is I can run off at the mouth when I need to be in silence.  My desire to fix things often makes things worse. It seems that with my family, my job and now school that I am surrounded by dying.  It is exhausting but at the same time I know this is where I am to be. I am not here by mistake.  I need to spend time in meditation and time outside reconnecting with Whatever is Out There.  The thing with working in home support is that you do not get to connect with other staff.  Connection is a big part of healing.  For the most part I do draw my energy and love from the Universe and give it to the people I care for.  There is no way I could ever have enough in myself to do this job and not become drained because sometimes I do not get my strength from outside of myself and I give right from me and that is when the burnout starts.  So I am pretty much just rambling now and making little sense.

For Ms. Moon

Because Ms. Moon is feeling low I am letting her know she is not alone.  Here I am laying on my couch thinking about her. 
 Those people who do not blog may not understand blog friendships but they are very real and I grateful for them. 

Anybody else up to posting a picture of yourself laying on the couch? 

As I lay in my bed yesterday the tears began to fall as they are wont to do when I am tired. I tried to think about what exactly is wrong.  One of the problems is there is so much sickness in our family right now.  My mom died from cancer then a few months later my dad was diagnosed with the beast.  Many people just brushed it off as no big deal.  I understand this.  I look after men dying with prostate cancer and I know it takes a long time to kill.  But sometimes it doesn't.  And it is still cancer. It still kills. 
Then last month my BIL went in for a routine appendectomy and they found cancer.  I am pretty worried about him. Though he is young (33) he is losing weight.  He has always been thin, about 130 but he is still losing weight.  He goes for a scan on Thursday.
Anyway, when I finally understood what was making me so sad I fell asleep for 6 hours! I got up as saw that everyone was in bed so I then went back to bed and slept all night. I am feeling a little better this morning. (OK, not really.)  When I go through a tough time I miss my mom.  Well, I always miss her, desperately so but when I am sad I want her more than ever. It has been over a year now and though I keep her memory close I feel as if she is indeed gone.  Gone where? Heaven? Reincarnated? Out somewhere in the Universe doing what needs to be done?  Maybe she is just dead.  Dead and nothing left.  I hope not because she is a beautiful soul that this world needs. 
Today I am also feeling very disjointed from whoever is running this place called earth.  So here is what my heart cries out today. If indeed there is a creator out there this is my cry to her or him. 

The rain is pouring down

Like al the souls you send here

Coming to this earth

To find healing

Mother Earth takes in the rain

Like your heart takes my voice

Let us free each other

With our prayers 

With our voice

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home
And I'm coming home
And I'm coming home

Oh my Beloved

Kindness of the Heart

Breath of Life

I bow to You

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home

Ong namo guru dev namo (repeat chant) 

Oh my Beloved

Kindness of the Heart

Breath of Life

I bow to You

Divine Teacher

Beloved Friend

I bow to You

again and again

Lotus sitting on the water

beyond time and space

this is Your way

this is Your grace

Ong namo guru dev namo (repeat chant)

this is Your way (repeated)

this is Your grace

 If you want to listen to this, go here.  If not I bid you adieu for now.  I have homework to do. 

Nap Needed

Is it the weather?  I blame my low moods a lot on the weather.  I haven't done a lot today.  Packed up some recycling, unloaded the dishwasher and talked to me dad.  Did some Christmas shopping online.  What I really want to do is sleep.  It isn't just being tired but I feel lonely today.  Usually I start feeling this way near the end of winter and we are only just half way through the fall.  And I hate myself for feeling this way because there is so much to be grateful for.  Though I am grateful I am weary. I think I am going to go have a nap. Maybe a nap will help.

I Remember

I came across this photo one day while searching through my family files. He is my first cousin four times removed I am likely the only person that thinks of him. He never married and had no children.  When I started to look into information about him I came across his name here. It says he died in war of unknown causes.  It says he is buried in France at Le Treport Military Cemetery.  It got me thinking to the sacrifice he made and now all these years later nobody remembers him.  How desperately sad.  I have no doubt his mother and father thought of him until the day they died.  Perhaps his brothers and sisters thought about him too.  But they are all long dead and for all intents and purposes, he is forgotten.  I wanted it not to be that way.  So here he is.  

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields

by John McCrae, May 1915

In every cemetery, in every country there are these stones that mark the place of Veterans.  My hope is that one day war will be a thing of the past and we can live in peace that our veterans fought for. 

Oh my American friends!  This is causing me stress!  I want this so badly for you.  I want Obama to finish what he has started.  I want you all to have medical treatment that won't bankrupt your family.  For that reason alone I want this for you.  

Being born in Canada I know Universal Medical Care works.  It is not perfect but it is so much better than watching your child have an asthma attack and not being able to take her to the hospital.  I remember several years back I was having a conversation with another blogger and she was talking about her daughter having an asthma attack.  My own daughter has asthma and I was telling her to take her child to the hospital right away.  Excuse me for my smugness.  I didn't understand that she could not afford it. At that point I has never paid a lot of of attention to American politics.  How could the 'best country in the world' not take care of a child?  As I looked into it more I realized this was not uncommon.  The same went for the elderly.  The part that bothered me the most is that the party that was stopping it was the so called 'Christian' party.  So backward!  Are Christians not called to care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the poor?  Instead the 'Christian' party was giving tax breaks to big business. (Incidentally, the same this happens here in Canada and the party is trying to dismantle out Universal Medical Care.)  It is wrong.  

OK, I am getting off my soapbox.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

He did it!  Just as I hit post we turned on the news and Obama is 44th President of United States.  Yay!

Remind Me To Get My Thyroid Checked!

Is it just the time of the year or am I abnormally tired?  In this part of the world it is dark early and today the clocks change and it will be dark even earlier.  With working the night shift it means that I will be in darkness for at least 72 hours straight.  bah  It could however be my thyroid.  Whatever it is I am mighty sleepy.

This week I finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  (Spoiler alert and sexually explicit.  Leave now if you don't want to read further.) Normally I don't read the trendy Top 10 books but a friend said I had to read it. What a shitty book.  First of all it is very poorly written.  Take out all the blushing, biting of her bottom lip, his flannel pants hanging on his hips and you could cut the book in half.  The other half of the book Ava has multiple orgasms even when Christian says her name.  Oh, and she is a virgin and she gives him a mind blowing b.j. on her first attempt.  Ya, right.  First off, having multiple orgasms is a learned art and so is giving a good b.j. The sex scenes (the reason everyone is reading the book) were not that good.  Christian could take some lessons from my husband about how to send a woman wild.  All I can say about my husband could have his doctorate! (I almost levitate.) All that aside, it is a typical story that a teenager would like.  The whole bad guy/good girl and her love will save him.  The entire book was crap!   

Next topic...

My daughter is turning 15 and wants a rat for her birthday.  ag! She has been wanting one for over a year now.  First off we have 2 cats and second my daughter is on the lazy side and I know I am going to have to clean the cage.  Has anyone ever had a pet rat? 

Remember that I old you we were going to plant a pink Dogwood tree in memory of my mom?  (I have not been able to write about this until now.)  Well the tree was planted and when we got home the deer had totally destroyed it.  All that left was a stick.  They even ripped the bark off so it won't likely survive.  I have never had a problem with deer.  We plant extra in our garden on purpose to share with them but I am so angry and upset.  There are a million trees around my neighbourhood and they had to ruin the one that meant something. They didn't even have the decency to eat it. They just ripped it apart.   

It is 3:34 a.m. and I am taking a break from my school work. I forgot how much studying can take out of you!  My mind is bathed! I am excited though. Already I have learned something and I love that.  Many times in the past I have said I could be a professional student because I love to learn.  It doesn't even matter what I am learning as long as I am finding out about things I did not know before.

One thing I have not mentioned in a while is how my weight loss is going.  Very simply, it's not. When we went away this month I ate and ate and ate.  TOPS is also not the support that I thought it would be.  The meetings consist of the minutes from the last meeting, a joke or two is read and then someone reads a magazine article from a magazine like Prevention.  *sigh*  Anyway, onwards and upwards (or downwards in this case).  I will keep at it.  I am being mindful of what I eat. I know what I really need to do but putting it into action is where I mess up.  

And because I have been busy and not  had time to post about our holiday and wedding I am posting pictures. 

A lone man stands at a grave at the military cemetery.  Who was he remembering?

This is the Molson Family mausoleum.  Somebody was compensating for something.

Not the Black Dog of Depression. 

I call this one Stereotype.
 A French artist painting a picture while smoking a cigarette while wearing a beret. 

Too funny not to post!

This was probably not meant to be funny. but I think it is hilarious!

The Cats of Parliament Hill

One of the millions of beautiful trees. 

Cobblestone in Montréal.