I am Cooler Than You!

I am so cool.  I rock.  Everyone wishes they were me.  Seriously.  You know what I am doing to ring in the new year?  Laundry!  For some reason there is about 72 loads which is odd because we don't own that much stuff. Where does it all come from?  I don't know.  I really don't.  OK.  So am not cooler than anyone.  I doubt I will be able to stay awake until midnight. I woke up at three this morning.  Such is the life of a night-shift worker.  We keep odd hours sometimes. 
Do you know the last time I spent ringing in the new year doing laundry? 1999/2000.  Yup. I rang in the new millennium doing laundry.  I distinctly remember because I got it all caught up that night.  At the time my kids were 2 & 3 and it was a huge deal to not have laundry to do.  My ex-husband was a bit if a butt head and didn't think that maybe his wife would like to go out and do something.  Ah, well. I got the laundry caught up.

The house is a disaster.  It really is.  The tree is still up and there is crap everywhere.  How does a fake Christmas tree shed needles? It is a mystery of the Universe. Speaking of Christmas trees, do you know what makes me sad almost to the point of tears?  The Christmas trees that don't get chosen.  You know the ones. The sit at the grocery store or at the Christmas tree lot and are still there on December 26. The never even got a chance.  They died for nothing.  I swear their tree spirits must have wanted so much to make it into a home and have it's picture taken all decorated.  Kind of like the Velveteen Rabbit but without the happy ending. One time a minister said I reminded him of the Velveteen Rabbit.  He said other women were bright and shiny and were the first to be noticed but it was all just bells and whistles.  He said that my realness was a good thing.  Or something to that affect. It was one of the nicest comments anyone has ever given me. 

My daughter is having friends over tonight and my son is holed up in his room.  I swear, that boy needs to go back to school.  He gets so cranky on school breaks.  He stays up to god-knows-when and when I finally get pissed off and wake him up (at 1:30 today) he is cranky as hell.  You can't really make a 16 year-old have a bedtime can you?  The thing is he needs a bedtime.  Last night I disconnected the wireless but he got up and plugged it back in.  I am too tired to be pissed off and generally he is a good and obedient kid.  Chose my battles, right?  

A friend from work and I joined Weight Watchers 360 online. I have reached gargantuan proportions.  I have been trying to lose weight for the last several months and it is not working.  Weight Watchers is offering free sign-up because of all the New Year's resolutions so I figured I would sign up now.  I should have done it months ago but I am too cheap.  

His picture that we put on Shame Your Pet.

My other cat, (not The Ungrateful Bastard) is staring a hole through me right now.  I don't talk about him often because his is old (16) and sleeps all the time. Right now my hubby is outside and he usually goes to him.  I am the second choice. He is a funny cat.  He is huge.  I think he weighs in at about 18 pounds.  But he is the sweetest cat you could ever know.  When my husband got him from the shelter years ago he made his daughters choose the oldest and blackest cat they could find because they are always the ones that nobody chooses.  They scored on the deal because he is such a nice cat.  Unlike my demon-spawn.  (I will add that he is not the brightest cat.  God bless him.  One thing he does is eat grass and then come in with hay stuck in his teeth.  He will walk around for hours until we take it out.) 

So, tonight think of me as you ring in the new year doing cooler things than you.  

Thank You

Yes, I have posted this before but it seems applicable to me today.  With all the awfulness going on in the world there is still a lot of good.  There is.  You are all proof of that.
This year I am so grateful for many things, dark though it is...

Thanks

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow for the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions.

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
looking up from tables we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

~~~~~~

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Well, Christmas is over and I still did not get an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred short range model air rifle.  But I did get other good things so I can't complain. Christmas day was very nice.  I saw my aunts and uncles and cousins.  I am fortunate to have a gaggle of cousins that were all born within a year of each other. We had a hoot growing up!  We would  maul love the big St. Bernard who eventually went to live on a farm.  It was only about 10 years ago that I learned she didn't really go live in a farm.  How gullible am I? Anyway, Christmas was nice but I am glad it is over. The whole thing is always so overwhelming isn't it? 
And wa-hoooo the days are getting longer! 3 more months until Spring!  It is that time of the year where we Canadians don't have any long weekends in site until Easter.  I have heard some rumours that our B.C. government is adding one in February but my employer has not said anything about it.  
So that is about it.  Nothing else is new.  I am going to ring in the new year in my bed.  Sleeping, I hope.  My daughter is having some friends over and I am going to see if I can talk my hubby into ordering Indian food.  Other than that I am staying put.  Too many crazies on the road as my mom used to say. 

To my blogger friends.  Merry Christmas.  Thank you for being who you are and making me believe that there can be peace on earth. Even though we all may not agree we can talk it out and listen to one another.  When we do that there is hope. 

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

And it is snowing as well.  We don't generally get a lot of snow here because we live so close to the ocean but it is coming down.  It is not a good day for driving so I am letting the kids stay home. One child is doing a happy dance and the other is being surly. Their mother is sitting all curled up on the couch and is not going anywhere. Everyone either has a cold or is fighting a cold.  I am taking Cold Fx and oil oregano and am feeling OK so far.  I do believe a nap (a long winter's nap) is in order. 

Where did the time go? How did Christmas come up on us so fast?  If the world does not end on the 21st we will be celebrating a new year in less than two weeks. Well, I won't be celebrating as I will probably be asleep but the new year will come whether I am awake or not.  
I have to admit my newest addiction.  It is this stupid game called "Farmtown".  You build your farm and buy crap.  It is actually a huge waste of time but I think that is the point. 
Well, that nap is calling. 

Creepy Facility

I was going to post this a while back but forgot. When I work I occasionally go to a senior’s assisted living residence.  (I am here tonight.) It is a 45-bed facility that has been redone and is quite nice.  The building itself is quite old, probably built in the 50’s. Before it was assisted living it was an extended care unit.  When it was built I have no doubt it was a nice facility but before it was remodelled it wasn't very nice. Residents shared a room and the building was run down.  Seniors came here when they no longer could care for themselves and didn't have the option to go to a nice facility.  They came here to die.

They building itself is huge. It consists of three wings that split into a "Y".  Underground there is a labyrinth of halls that lead to other buildings in the vicinity. Because the building is so old and was a seniors hospital I have no doubt a lot of people died here over the years.  A lot.  And I have no doubt there were some very unhappy people.  Actually, I know this because I did my practicum here before it closed down as an extended care unit and was remodelled.

When I work in this building I work alone. Most of the time it is quiet but I do get the occasional emergency call. Every two hours I do rounds. I empty catheter bags and commodes and do personal care in the mornings. The entire building has a creepiness about it that can only be felt at night but it isn't anything that causes me concern.  Except a set of stairs.

The set of stairs in on the east end of the building. It connects three floors and is rarely used now. All the living is done on the west side of the building so there is little need to use the stairs. The only time they likely ever get used it during rounds. And that is where my part of the story comes into play.

There is something wrong about them.  It is the creepiest place I have ever been in. As soon as the door closes behind me I start to feel nervous. I never spend any time lingering in this stairway. It is as if I am being told to get out. I always feel like I am being watched and that there is something behind me.

So, just let it go as part of my over active imagination right? Noooo.  A couple months back I was scheduled with a co-worker and we were doing rounds together. I had not said a thing and as we came to the stairs she told me that she hated that stair case and would not go in it when she was working alone at night!  I started mentioning it to a couple other workers during shift change and it turns out I am not alone.  Other staff won’t go there either.  The real cincher was an older staff member who is very level and always calm.  An excellent worker.  I talked to her about it and she avoids it too. She said that just being near the end of the hall she feel uncomfortable.

So, what is it that creeps us all out? My only guess is that when this building was an extended care hospital someone may have used that set of stairs and fell.  Because it is seldom used I wonder if they were not found for a long time. Maybe they died as a result. Maybe it is not a “spirit” per se but just negative energy that needs to be released. (I am more partial to this answer.)  I don’t really know.  I will never know. 

Sometimes I use the stairs and I whispers to whatever is there that everything is OK and they can leave now. Other times I just run though thinking I am being absolutely silly. The last three nights I have not been using the stairs. Instead I go all the way back around. 

Here are some pictures.  What do you think? (Pictures taken with my phone and poor quality.) 

Up's & Down's

First the bad news. My palliative courses have all been cancelled.  I can complete two more but then that is it.  The school didn't really give a reason but they decided to close down and restructure.  I am so disappointed.  There must be other schools out there that offer palliative accreditation online.  Hopefully I will find something.  It will all work out. (Update - I found a university in Alberta that offers the courses I want! Yahoo!)

I did go back to Al Anon last night.  It was a huge group.  And yes, I tried to come up with an excuse for not going. (I am getting a cold.) Go I did however and it was a great meeting.  It was a speaker meeting and it made me feel not only just how insane I am but that I am quite a normal child of an alcoholic.  Seriously, the way I deal with life at times is pretty messed up.  My coping skills are horrible when I get stressed. Suffice it to say, I never should have stopped going to Al Anon.

This afternoon I am forcing taking my husband to the eye doctor.  The man has the terrible eyesight for someone his age.  It has taken me years to get him to go to the optometrist but now that he is covered through my insurance it won't cost anything so he is going. Men are so exasperating! (Update - His eyes are hooped. New eye glasses and a referral to the opthamologist.) 

Calm

Despite stress going on in my life and around me I am strangely calm and at peace. Something triggered yesterday where I got so angry at a situation and it made me realize I need to just give up and give in.  The situation is never going to change and the only thing I can do is give up.  Banging my head against a wall never hurts anyone but me.  I end up with the headache.  Not only that I end up with heart palpitations and an upset stomach.  And you know what?  I need to get my sorry ass back to Al-Anon because even though I have no active alcoholics in my life I am as co-dependant as I ever was.  If people around me are not happy, I am not happy.  It is really a fucked up way to be.  Though my biological father left when I was only 6, I learned from a very young age how to walk on eggshells. It was very important to never rock the boat.  Because of his alcoholism I learned to be a pleaser and peacemaker.  Whenever anything is wrong in my life I need to fix it.  Especially people.  But you can't fix another person that is broken.  They can't be fixed with love or with anger.  The only person I can fix is myself and learn to let go off the chaos.  I am happy because I found a meeting very close to home and on one of my nights off.  So no more excuses in that regard. 

Our tree is up but not decorated. Both cats are asleep under it. They were hissing and growling at each other in attempt to claim their space but now they are both curled up in cat balls. God love them. (Norbert the Ungrateful Bastard asked me to wish you all a shitty Christmas.)

I made a decision on my next palliative course.  Rather the decision was made for me.  When I looked at the course outlines I thought the course on Theories of Grief and Dying was available right now but it isn't.  For that reason I chose a course on symptom management. There are so many great courses and I can't decide which course to take. It will take two years to get my accreditation and I am so excited to do this!

One more thing.  I need to stop playing Farm Town on Facebook! argh!

I wish you could all see how windy it is here today!  My street has so many pine needles on it you can't even see the street any more.  Stuff is flying everywhere.  Storms at night scare me. Storms during the day are fun! It is especially nice because it is not raining!  It's not!  The sky is blue, people. Blue!  I haven't seen blue sky for weeks. 
School is over this week until January but I am thinking of taking a self-study course. There is one called, "Beyond Kubler-Ross". It explores current theories of grief, death and dying.  There is also a course on symptom management. The course I am taking now has one more assignment due so I better decide soon. 
OK.  I have to admit something. There is a part of me that is feeling a little bit Christmasy. Maybe it is because I have finished my Christmas shopping or maybe it is because I watched, "It's a Wonderful Life" the other day.  Whatever it is I am not looking at the month of December with dread. 

Break forth into the Hallelujah chorus

I am finished my Christmas shopping, baby! I am three days past my self-imposed deadline of December 1 but that is OK.  The majority of it was done online so now I just need to put my feet up and wait for it to arrive. But here is a pisser.  I got my husband a very nice new coffee maker from Wal Mart.  Now, I hate Wal Mart.  I am anti-Wal-Mart and have not shopped there in years.  While online shopping I found the coffee maker I wanted for $30.00 cheaper than anywhere else so I caved. You know what those twits did?  They sent the coffee maker but it wasn't in a shipping box.  They just slapped a label on the product box and sent it.  Of course, my husband saw it.  Nice. Wal Mart only makes a billion dollars a day so you would think they could ship the item properly.  I would have even paid for the shipping box and recycled it.  Anyway, I am back to hating Wal Mart and won't be shopping there again anytime soon. It is my own fault for compromising my values. 

Today I got a Costco card.  Does anyone else find shopping there almost orgasmic? Holy crap! I kept finding crap that I actually needed. And I had a kosher hot dog and a coke. Bliss, people. Bliss.

9 Pieces of Chicken

Before I left for work last night I put some chicken in the toaster oven for my son.  I told him to make some vegetables and to clean up and put away the leftovers in the fridge.  This morning I came home from work and I asked him if he put away the leftovers and he said no. Why? Because he ate the whole thing. Nine pieces of chicken! How can anyone eat that much? This child is never full. Ever. 

I am feeling a little better since last post and I thank you all for your comments.  It sure would be nice to be one of those people who are always happy.  Actually, no it wouldn't.  People like that are hard to connect with.  Give me a depressed and anxious person any day and I will have someone that is probably a little more patient, understanding and loving.  I know I need to be gentle with myself.  Anxiety and depression run in my family. My mom and both my grandmothers dealt with it.  It just seems like they were so much more together than I am.  

I must keep this post short as I need to have breakfast then go to bed.  The patient I was caring for was up no less than 12 times last night.  It is hard to watch someone you are caring for not be able to sleep.  OK, my eggs are ready. xo

Do you ever have days where you have so much to say on your blog but feel like you have already written it a million times?  That's how I feel today.  It is the usual stuff.  I am feeling depressed and anxious.  I am lonely, really lonely.  It is strange to me that I have access to the entire world via the Internet and yet I am still lonely. I am tired. I miss my mom.  In an effort to not have to deal with my life I went back to bed after I dropped my kids at school and stayed there until 1:30.  It would be so nice to run away from life.

I wish I had a different life, I wish I was braver and prettier or just happy. But it's useless to dream, because nothing ever changes -My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)

My son is 16 and never asks for much.  He is quite happy to buy his clothes at thrift stores.  From the time he was small he has been an easygoing person.  When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year he said a creeper hoodie.  I had no idea what he was talking about so he sent me an e mail of this. When I found out the price I freaked. It is $70.00!  I told him and in his usual gentle way he said he didn't need it. Let me say that I lived in poverty for years.  We didn't have all the stuff that other families had like food. My kids have never worn clothes that were not second-hand unless it was a gift. We went to the movie once a year and I had to save up for that.  This year I can afford the hoodie ($70.00!!) so  I am going to get it for him.  I can't wait for him to open it!

Exciting as Watching Paint Dry

First off I am happy to say that my BIL had an MRI and he appears to be free of cancer.  He has to undergo some more testing but that is very good news! 

I am in a blogging slump.  I have no new thoughts.  I have not even been answering comments.  It is that time of the year where everything slows down and not much happens.  School is going well.  Work is fine.  The family is happy.  The only issue right now is my thyroid.  I was just tested yesterday and I was able to get my results online.  It is low so medication will fix that.  

Here is what has happened in the last week-

• My key broke off in the lock of my car.  It is still in there.
• My hot tub chemicals are all screwed up because my daughter had a group of her friends over.
• I went to the doctor and had my thyroid tested.  It is low.
• My daughter is going to a jazz festival in February.
• I applied for a line of credit at the bank and was approved.
• My husband hurt his knee at work and refuses to go to the doctor.  He is going today. 
• I have been doing my Christmas shopping online.  I need to hurry up so I can have it completed by my self-imposed deadline of December 1.
• Are you still reading?  Seriously. My life is indeed this boring.
• I just spent over $550.00 for new tires from Costco. My current ones are almost like the ones in the picture.  
• I am reading "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed. I finished it. 
• That's it my lovelies. 

Oh golly it has been a long day. (Did I just say golly?)  My BIL had his scans yesterday but of course the don't tell you anything.  My dad is also quite sick from the Brachytherapy treatment he is going though. This morning I finished a short paper for school that was actually very difficult to write from an emotional stand-point.  There is a teeny piece of me that thinks maybe I am not the right person to work in palliative care but then the other piece of me knows that this is where the Universe has been guiding me my entire life.  There is so much to working with people in the last stages of living and I hope I will be able to uphold that honour. I hope I never cause anyone sadness or difficulty during their journey.  The fact is I can run off at the mouth when I need to be in silence.  My desire to fix things often makes things worse. It seems that with my family, my job and now school that I am surrounded by dying.  It is exhausting but at the same time I know this is where I am to be. I am not here by mistake.  I need to spend time in meditation and time outside reconnecting with Whatever is Out There.  The thing with working in home support is that you do not get to connect with other staff.  Connection is a big part of healing.  For the most part I do draw my energy and love from the Universe and give it to the people I care for.  There is no way I could ever have enough in myself to do this job and not become drained because sometimes I do not get my strength from outside of myself and I give right from me and that is when the burnout starts.  So I am pretty much just rambling now and making little sense.

For Ms. Moon

Because Ms. Moon is feeling low I am letting her know she is not alone.  Here I am laying on my couch thinking about her. 
 Those people who do not blog may not understand blog friendships but they are very real and I grateful for them. 

Anybody else up to posting a picture of yourself laying on the couch? 

As I lay in my bed yesterday the tears began to fall as they are wont to do when I am tired. I tried to think about what exactly is wrong.  One of the problems is there is so much sickness in our family right now.  My mom died from cancer then a few months later my dad was diagnosed with the beast.  Many people just brushed it off as no big deal.  I understand this.  I look after men dying with prostate cancer and I know it takes a long time to kill.  But sometimes it doesn't.  And it is still cancer. It still kills. 
Then last month my BIL went in for a routine appendectomy and they found cancer.  I am pretty worried about him. Though he is young (33) he is losing weight.  He has always been thin, about 130 but he is still losing weight.  He goes for a scan on Thursday.
Anyway, when I finally understood what was making me so sad I fell asleep for 6 hours! I got up as saw that everyone was in bed so I then went back to bed and slept all night. I am feeling a little better this morning. (OK, not really.)  When I go through a tough time I miss my mom.  Well, I always miss her, desperately so but when I am sad I want her more than ever. It has been over a year now and though I keep her memory close I feel as if she is indeed gone.  Gone where? Heaven? Reincarnated? Out somewhere in the Universe doing what needs to be done?  Maybe she is just dead.  Dead and nothing left.  I hope not because she is a beautiful soul that this world needs. 
Today I am also feeling very disjointed from whoever is running this place called earth.  So here is what my heart cries out today. If indeed there is a creator out there this is my cry to her or him. 

The rain is pouring down

Like al the souls you send here

Coming to this earth

To find healing

Mother Earth takes in the rain

Like your heart takes my voice

Let us free each other

With our prayers 

With our voice

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home
And I'm coming home
And I'm coming home

Oh my Beloved

Kindness of the Heart

Breath of Life

I bow to You

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home

And I'm coming home

Ong namo guru dev namo (repeat chant) 

Oh my Beloved

Kindness of the Heart

Breath of Life

I bow to You

Divine Teacher

Beloved Friend

I bow to You

again and again

Lotus sitting on the water

beyond time and space

this is Your way

this is Your grace

Ong namo guru dev namo (repeat chant)

this is Your way (repeated)

this is Your grace

 If you want to listen to this, go here.  If not I bid you adieu for now.  I have homework to do. 

Nap Needed

Is it the weather?  I blame my low moods a lot on the weather.  I haven't done a lot today.  Packed up some recycling, unloaded the dishwasher and talked to me dad.  Did some Christmas shopping online.  What I really want to do is sleep.  It isn't just being tired but I feel lonely today.  Usually I start feeling this way near the end of winter and we are only just half way through the fall.  And I hate myself for feeling this way because there is so much to be grateful for.  Though I am grateful I am weary. I think I am going to go have a nap. Maybe a nap will help.

I Remember

I came across this photo one day while searching through my family files. He is my first cousin four times removed I am likely the only person that thinks of him. He never married and had no children.  When I started to look into information about him I came across his name here. It says he died in war of unknown causes.  It says he is buried in France at Le Treport Military Cemetery.  It got me thinking to the sacrifice he made and now all these years later nobody remembers him.  How desperately sad.  I have no doubt his mother and father thought of him until the day they died.  Perhaps his brothers and sisters thought about him too.  But they are all long dead and for all intents and purposes, he is forgotten.  I wanted it not to be that way.  So here he is.  

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields

by John McCrae, May 1915

In every cemetery, in every country there are these stones that mark the place of Veterans.  My hope is that one day war will be a thing of the past and we can live in peace that our veterans fought for. 

Oh my American friends!  This is causing me stress!  I want this so badly for you.  I want Obama to finish what he has started.  I want you all to have medical treatment that won't bankrupt your family.  For that reason alone I want this for you.  

Being born in Canada I know Universal Medical Care works.  It is not perfect but it is so much better than watching your child have an asthma attack and not being able to take her to the hospital.  I remember several years back I was having a conversation with another blogger and she was talking about her daughter having an asthma attack.  My own daughter has asthma and I was telling her to take her child to the hospital right away.  Excuse me for my smugness.  I didn't understand that she could not afford it. At that point I has never paid a lot of of attention to American politics.  How could the 'best country in the world' not take care of a child?  As I looked into it more I realized this was not uncommon.  The same went for the elderly.  The part that bothered me the most is that the party that was stopping it was the so called 'Christian' party.  So backward!  Are Christians not called to care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the poor?  Instead the 'Christian' party was giving tax breaks to big business. (Incidentally, the same this happens here in Canada and the party is trying to dismantle out Universal Medical Care.)  It is wrong.  

OK, I am getting off my soapbox.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

He did it!  Just as I hit post we turned on the news and Obama is 44th President of United States.  Yay!

Remind Me To Get My Thyroid Checked!

Is it just the time of the year or am I abnormally tired?  In this part of the world it is dark early and today the clocks change and it will be dark even earlier.  With working the night shift it means that I will be in darkness for at least 72 hours straight.  bah  It could however be my thyroid.  Whatever it is I am mighty sleepy.

This week I finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  (Spoiler alert and sexually explicit.  Leave now if you don't want to read further.) Normally I don't read the trendy Top 10 books but a friend said I had to read it. What a shitty book.  First of all it is very poorly written.  Take out all the blushing, biting of her bottom lip, his flannel pants hanging on his hips and you could cut the book in half.  The other half of the book Ava has multiple orgasms even when Christian says her name.  Oh, and she is a virgin and she gives him a mind blowing b.j. on her first attempt.  Ya, right.  First off, having multiple orgasms is a learned art and so is giving a good b.j. The sex scenes (the reason everyone is reading the book) were not that good.  Christian could take some lessons from my husband about how to send a woman wild.  All I can say about my husband could have his doctorate! (I almost levitate.) All that aside, it is a typical story that a teenager would like.  The whole bad guy/good girl and her love will save him.  The entire book was crap!   

Next topic...

My daughter is turning 15 and wants a rat for her birthday.  ag! She has been wanting one for over a year now.  First off we have 2 cats and second my daughter is on the lazy side and I know I am going to have to clean the cage.  Has anyone ever had a pet rat? 

Remember that I old you we were going to plant a pink Dogwood tree in memory of my mom?  (I have not been able to write about this until now.)  Well the tree was planted and when we got home the deer had totally destroyed it.  All that left was a stick.  They even ripped the bark off so it won't likely survive.  I have never had a problem with deer.  We plant extra in our garden on purpose to share with them but I am so angry and upset.  There are a million trees around my neighbourhood and they had to ruin the one that meant something. They didn't even have the decency to eat it. They just ripped it apart.   

It is 3:34 a.m. and I am taking a break from my school work. I forgot how much studying can take out of you!  My mind is bathed! I am excited though. Already I have learned something and I love that.  Many times in the past I have said I could be a professional student because I love to learn.  It doesn't even matter what I am learning as long as I am finding out about things I did not know before.

One thing I have not mentioned in a while is how my weight loss is going.  Very simply, it's not. When we went away this month I ate and ate and ate.  TOPS is also not the support that I thought it would be.  The meetings consist of the minutes from the last meeting, a joke or two is read and then someone reads a magazine article from a magazine like Prevention.  *sigh*  Anyway, onwards and upwards (or downwards in this case).  I will keep at it.  I am being mindful of what I eat. I know what I really need to do but putting it into action is where I mess up.  

And because I have been busy and not  had time to post about our holiday and wedding I am posting pictures. 

A lone man stands at a grave at the military cemetery.  Who was he remembering?

This is the Molson Family mausoleum.  Somebody was compensating for something.

Not the Black Dog of Depression. 

I call this one Stereotype.
 A French artist painting a picture while smoking a cigarette while wearing a beret. 

Too funny not to post!

This was probably not meant to be funny. but I think it is hilarious!

The Cats of Parliament Hill

One of the millions of beautiful trees. 

Cobblestone in Montréal.  

I have no doubt that one day I will be this lady.  The neighbourhood old bag.  My lights are shut off and I am not handing out candy.  Why? Because I hate Halloween.  I do.  When I was little my brother and his friends saw it to scare me so bad that I was terrified to go out.  Add that to a very active imagination and being highly sensitive with an over active startle response I learned to hate Halloween.

My BIL is awaiting test results. I will keep you posted.

Today I started my courses to work towards palliative  accreditation.  The first course is "Loss, Grief and Dying with Dementia".  There are 14 courses in all and it will take me 2 years to complete them all. I am so excited!  

Ok, I need to go hide in the bushes and scare small children so bad that they pee. 

Scattered

I am normally a scattered woman but today more so than other days. I have about 25 projects on the go right now, all of them partially done.  The only thing I have completed is getting three cards completed to send out to people.  (I love sending cards.)  I have laundry on the go, the bed stripped, the bathroom half done, the hot tub half cleaned, my cheque (check) book sitting out, stuff to be put away...ag!  The dryer just beeped and suppose I should go fold the clothes.

Of course my thoughts are with my BIL (see yesterday's post).  Fuck anyway. I just read that cancer of the appendix happens .012 in a million or about 1000 cases a year in the U.S.  Of course, we do not know yet if it even started in his appendix or it has spread there.  My question is how do they know how to treat such a rare form of cancer? 

Anyway, I think I am going to go get he clothes in the dryer and wrap myself up in them. 

And on and on it goes...

My dad, as I have mentioned was diagnosed with Prostate cancer just after my mom died.  This week he had Brachytherapy (small radioactive seeds inserted into the prostate).  He is doing fine, just a little tired.

On Friday the other shoe fell...

I will back up a bit.  My amazing kind, gentle and sweet brother-in-law had an attack of  appendicitis a while back.  He had his appendix removed (laproscopic) and was back to work and feeling good.  And then the shoe fell.  You probably know that when anything is removed from your body it is sent for a biopsy just in case.  Friday afternoon they got a call that there was cancer.  WTF?  That is my mom, my dad and my BIL in 13 months.  My BIL is 33 years old!  He and my sister have a 7 year old and an 18 month old. Right now we know nothing.  He has to go for tests to see if the cancer is anywhere else. 

I am tired.   

Jet Lag & Crochet

Learn to Crochet! 

Jet lag and crochet.  Have the two words ever been said like that in a sentence?  I don't know.  I do know that I am a shit-kicked tired.  I got home and went back to working nights.  I was so tired today that I went to bed after work and slept 11 hours straight. Woke up to go to the bathroom but I was too tired to get up so I decided to ignore it and went back to sleep.

My job is slow tonight so I am trying to teach myself to crochet.  (My co-worker asked me sarcastically if that was the same thing old ladies do.)  So far I can cast on and do one row but it is all twisted and crooked.  From there I have no idea how to make the second row and the crappy book I got from the library is no help at all.  You Tube has some videos but there are about a million different ones so this venture may end in failure.  The supplies (yarn and hook) were $4.00 and bought at the thrift store. If I never figure it out the yarn will go to the Ungrateful Bastard.  But I want to do this!  Even if all I ever make is dish cloths I will be happy.  Everyone I know has some sort of crafty thing they can do but not me.  I don't sew, bake, scrapbook, knit, cross stitch or anything.  I want to make a damn dish cloth before I die.  (OK I will be honest, my real goal is to become an expert and make blankets and all sorts of nice shit.  Maybe I will become all calm, serene and wise and people will come to me and seek my wisdom while I calmly dispense my wisdom while crocheting.)  

Who else does this?  I start a project with great enthusiasm only for it to end up in a closet and then in the thrift store bin. Have I have mentioned my cross stitch pillow cases that I worked on for 12 years  before finally admitting to myself that I was never going to finish them?  And besides, I bought them when I was first married they were his and her pillow cases and I was now divorced.  I would have made a terrible pioneer woman.  Right now I just looked at crochet dish cloths and I realize I may be in over my head.  Seriously.  Look at this! 368, 000 images of dish cloths made by competent people! meh Will keep you posted.