I am Cooler Than You!

I am so cool.  I rock.  Everyone wishes they were me.  Seriously.  You know what I am doing to ring in the new year?  Laundry!  For some reason there is about 72 loads which is odd because we don't own that much stuff. Where does it all come from?  I don't know.  I really don't.  OK.  So am not cooler than anyone.  I doubt I will be able to stay awake until midnight. I woke up at three this morning.  Such is the life of a night-shift worker.  We keep odd hours sometimes. 
Do you know the last time I spent ringing in the new year doing laundry? 1999/2000.  Yup. I rang in the new millennium doing laundry.  I distinctly remember because I got it all caught up that night.  At the time my kids were 2 & 3 and it was a huge deal to not have laundry to do.  My ex-husband was a bit if a butt head and didn't think that maybe his wife would like to go out and do something.  Ah, well. I got the laundry caught up.

The house is a disaster.  It really is.  The tree is still up and there is crap everywhere.  How does a fake Christmas tree shed needles? It is a mystery of the Universe. Speaking of Christmas trees, do you know what makes me sad almost to the point of tears?  The Christmas trees that don't get chosen.  You know the ones. The sit at the grocery store or at the Christmas tree lot and are still there on December 26. The never even got a chance.  They died for nothing.  I swear their tree spirits must have wanted so much to make it into a home and have it's picture taken all decorated.  Kind of like the Velveteen Rabbit but without the happy ending. One time a minister said I reminded him of the Velveteen Rabbit.  He said other women were bright and shiny and were the first to be noticed but it was all just bells and whistles.  He said that my realness was a good thing.  Or something to that affect. It was one of the nicest comments anyone has ever given me. 

My daughter is having friends over tonight and my son is holed up in his room.  I swear, that boy needs to go back to school.  He gets so cranky on school breaks.  He stays up to god-knows-when and when I finally get pissed off and wake him up (at 1:30 today) he is cranky as hell.  You can't really make a 16 year-old have a bedtime can you?  The thing is he needs a bedtime.  Last night I disconnected the wireless but he got up and plugged it back in.  I am too tired to be pissed off and generally he is a good and obedient kid.  Chose my battles, right?  

A friend from work and I joined Weight Watchers 360 online. I have reached gargantuan proportions.  I have been trying to lose weight for the last several months and it is not working.  Weight Watchers is offering free sign-up because of all the New Year's resolutions so I figured I would sign up now.  I should have done it months ago but I am too cheap.  

His picture that we put on Shame Your Pet.

My other cat, (not The Ungrateful Bastard) is staring a hole through me right now.  I don't talk about him often because his is old (16) and sleeps all the time. Right now my hubby is outside and he usually goes to him.  I am the second choice. He is a funny cat.  He is huge.  I think he weighs in at about 18 pounds.  But he is the sweetest cat you could ever know.  When my husband got him from the shelter years ago he made his daughters choose the oldest and blackest cat they could find because they are always the ones that nobody chooses.  They scored on the deal because he is such a nice cat.  Unlike my demon-spawn.  (I will add that he is not the brightest cat.  God bless him.  One thing he does is eat grass and then come in with hay stuck in his teeth.  He will walk around for hours until we take it out.) 

So, tonight think of me as you ring in the new year doing cooler things than you.  

Thank You

Yes, I have posted this before but it seems applicable to me today.  With all the awfulness going on in the world there is still a lot of good.  There is.  You are all proof of that.
This year I am so grateful for many things, dark though it is...

Thanks

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow for the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions.

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
looking up from tables we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

~~~~~~

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Well, Christmas is over and I still did not get an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred short range model air rifle.  But I did get other good things so I can't complain. Christmas day was very nice.  I saw my aunts and uncles and cousins.  I am fortunate to have a gaggle of cousins that were all born within a year of each other. We had a hoot growing up!  We would  maul love the big St. Bernard who eventually went to live on a farm.  It was only about 10 years ago that I learned she didn't really go live in a farm.  How gullible am I? Anyway, Christmas was nice but I am glad it is over. The whole thing is always so overwhelming isn't it? 
And wa-hoooo the days are getting longer! 3 more months until Spring!  It is that time of the year where we Canadians don't have any long weekends in site until Easter.  I have heard some rumours that our B.C. government is adding one in February but my employer has not said anything about it.  
So that is about it.  Nothing else is new.  I am going to ring in the new year in my bed.  Sleeping, I hope.  My daughter is having some friends over and I am going to see if I can talk my hubby into ordering Indian food.  Other than that I am staying put.  Too many crazies on the road as my mom used to say. 

To my blogger friends.  Merry Christmas.  Thank you for being who you are and making me believe that there can be peace on earth. Even though we all may not agree we can talk it out and listen to one another.  When we do that there is hope. 

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

And it is snowing as well.  We don't generally get a lot of snow here because we live so close to the ocean but it is coming down.  It is not a good day for driving so I am letting the kids stay home. One child is doing a happy dance and the other is being surly. Their mother is sitting all curled up on the couch and is not going anywhere. Everyone either has a cold or is fighting a cold.  I am taking Cold Fx and oil oregano and am feeling OK so far.  I do believe a nap (a long winter's nap) is in order. 

Where did the time go? How did Christmas come up on us so fast?  If the world does not end on the 21st we will be celebrating a new year in less than two weeks. Well, I won't be celebrating as I will probably be asleep but the new year will come whether I am awake or not.  
I have to admit my newest addiction.  It is this stupid game called "Farmtown".  You build your farm and buy crap.  It is actually a huge waste of time but I think that is the point. 
Well, that nap is calling. 

Creepy Facility

I was going to post this a while back but forgot. When I work I occasionally go to a senior’s assisted living residence.  (I am here tonight.) It is a 45-bed facility that has been redone and is quite nice.  The building itself is quite old, probably built in the 50’s. Before it was assisted living it was an extended care unit.  When it was built I have no doubt it was a nice facility but before it was remodelled it wasn't very nice. Residents shared a room and the building was run down.  Seniors came here when they no longer could care for themselves and didn't have the option to go to a nice facility.  They came here to die.

They building itself is huge. It consists of three wings that split into a "Y".  Underground there is a labyrinth of halls that lead to other buildings in the vicinity. Because the building is so old and was a seniors hospital I have no doubt a lot of people died here over the years.  A lot.  And I have no doubt there were some very unhappy people.  Actually, I know this because I did my practicum here before it closed down as an extended care unit and was remodelled.

When I work in this building I work alone. Most of the time it is quiet but I do get the occasional emergency call. Every two hours I do rounds. I empty catheter bags and commodes and do personal care in the mornings. The entire building has a creepiness about it that can only be felt at night but it isn't anything that causes me concern.  Except a set of stairs.

The set of stairs in on the east end of the building. It connects three floors and is rarely used now. All the living is done on the west side of the building so there is little need to use the stairs. The only time they likely ever get used it during rounds. And that is where my part of the story comes into play.

There is something wrong about them.  It is the creepiest place I have ever been in. As soon as the door closes behind me I start to feel nervous. I never spend any time lingering in this stairway. It is as if I am being told to get out. I always feel like I am being watched and that there is something behind me.

So, just let it go as part of my over active imagination right? Noooo.  A couple months back I was scheduled with a co-worker and we were doing rounds together. I had not said a thing and as we came to the stairs she told me that she hated that stair case and would not go in it when she was working alone at night!  I started mentioning it to a couple other workers during shift change and it turns out I am not alone.  Other staff won’t go there either.  The real cincher was an older staff member who is very level and always calm.  An excellent worker.  I talked to her about it and she avoids it too. She said that just being near the end of the hall she feel uncomfortable.

So, what is it that creeps us all out? My only guess is that when this building was an extended care hospital someone may have used that set of stairs and fell.  Because it is seldom used I wonder if they were not found for a long time. Maybe they died as a result. Maybe it is not a “spirit” per se but just negative energy that needs to be released. (I am more partial to this answer.)  I don’t really know.  I will never know. 

Sometimes I use the stairs and I whispers to whatever is there that everything is OK and they can leave now. Other times I just run though thinking I am being absolutely silly. The last three nights I have not been using the stairs. Instead I go all the way back around. 

Here are some pictures.  What do you think? (Pictures taken with my phone and poor quality.) 

Up's & Down's

First the bad news. My palliative courses have all been cancelled.  I can complete two more but then that is it.  The school didn't really give a reason but they decided to close down and restructure.  I am so disappointed.  There must be other schools out there that offer palliative accreditation online.  Hopefully I will find something.  It will all work out. (Update - I found a university in Alberta that offers the courses I want! Yahoo!)

I did go back to Al Anon last night.  It was a huge group.  And yes, I tried to come up with an excuse for not going. (I am getting a cold.) Go I did however and it was a great meeting.  It was a speaker meeting and it made me feel not only just how insane I am but that I am quite a normal child of an alcoholic.  Seriously, the way I deal with life at times is pretty messed up.  My coping skills are horrible when I get stressed. Suffice it to say, I never should have stopped going to Al Anon.

This afternoon I am forcing taking my husband to the eye doctor.  The man has the terrible eyesight for someone his age.  It has taken me years to get him to go to the optometrist but now that he is covered through my insurance it won't cost anything so he is going. Men are so exasperating! (Update - His eyes are hooped. New eye glasses and a referral to the opthamologist.) 

Calm

Despite stress going on in my life and around me I am strangely calm and at peace. Something triggered yesterday where I got so angry at a situation and it made me realize I need to just give up and give in.  The situation is never going to change and the only thing I can do is give up.  Banging my head against a wall never hurts anyone but me.  I end up with the headache.  Not only that I end up with heart palpitations and an upset stomach.  And you know what?  I need to get my sorry ass back to Al-Anon because even though I have no active alcoholics in my life I am as co-dependant as I ever was.  If people around me are not happy, I am not happy.  It is really a fucked up way to be.  Though my biological father left when I was only 6, I learned from a very young age how to walk on eggshells. It was very important to never rock the boat.  Because of his alcoholism I learned to be a pleaser and peacemaker.  Whenever anything is wrong in my life I need to fix it.  Especially people.  But you can't fix another person that is broken.  They can't be fixed with love or with anger.  The only person I can fix is myself and learn to let go off the chaos.  I am happy because I found a meeting very close to home and on one of my nights off.  So no more excuses in that regard. 

Our tree is up but not decorated. Both cats are asleep under it. They were hissing and growling at each other in attempt to claim their space but now they are both curled up in cat balls. God love them. (Norbert the Ungrateful Bastard asked me to wish you all a shitty Christmas.)

I made a decision on my next palliative course.  Rather the decision was made for me.  When I looked at the course outlines I thought the course on Theories of Grief and Dying was available right now but it isn't.  For that reason I chose a course on symptom management. There are so many great courses and I can't decide which course to take. It will take two years to get my accreditation and I am so excited to do this!

One more thing.  I need to stop playing Farm Town on Facebook! argh!

I wish you could all see how windy it is here today!  My street has so many pine needles on it you can't even see the street any more.  Stuff is flying everywhere.  Storms at night scare me. Storms during the day are fun! It is especially nice because it is not raining!  It's not!  The sky is blue, people. Blue!  I haven't seen blue sky for weeks. 
School is over this week until January but I am thinking of taking a self-study course. There is one called, "Beyond Kubler-Ross". It explores current theories of grief, death and dying.  There is also a course on symptom management. The course I am taking now has one more assignment due so I better decide soon. 
OK.  I have to admit something. There is a part of me that is feeling a little bit Christmasy. Maybe it is because I have finished my Christmas shopping or maybe it is because I watched, "It's a Wonderful Life" the other day.  Whatever it is I am not looking at the month of December with dread. 

Break forth into the Hallelujah chorus

I am finished my Christmas shopping, baby! I am three days past my self-imposed deadline of December 1 but that is OK.  The majority of it was done online so now I just need to put my feet up and wait for it to arrive. But here is a pisser.  I got my husband a very nice new coffee maker from Wal Mart.  Now, I hate Wal Mart.  I am anti-Wal-Mart and have not shopped there in years.  While online shopping I found the coffee maker I wanted for $30.00 cheaper than anywhere else so I caved. You know what those twits did?  They sent the coffee maker but it wasn't in a shipping box.  They just slapped a label on the product box and sent it.  Of course, my husband saw it.  Nice. Wal Mart only makes a billion dollars a day so you would think they could ship the item properly.  I would have even paid for the shipping box and recycled it.  Anyway, I am back to hating Wal Mart and won't be shopping there again anytime soon. It is my own fault for compromising my values. 

Today I got a Costco card.  Does anyone else find shopping there almost orgasmic? Holy crap! I kept finding crap that I actually needed. And I had a kosher hot dog and a coke. Bliss, people. Bliss.