Feeling Dauncy and Delicate Geniuses

Dauncy - A word used by Lucy's grandmother for when you are not sick but still feeling blah.

I think I may be the only one in the world who uses that word. That is how I feel today. My back is still hurting and somebody snored all night long and kept stealing the blankets. If I had sense I would have put ear plugs in but who has good sense at 3:00 in the morning? Actually, I have plenty of sense when I work nights but when I am not working nighttime is meant for sleeping and not problem solving. It is also the time of year when I need to wear my inhaler around my neck because of all the wood burning fireplaces. It is a great way to heat a house and I would not take away that away from anyone but I am using my inhaler almost every hour. 






My daughter had her consult for her wisdom teeth today and it is going to cost almost $1800.00. And no, B.C. medical does not pay for a cent of it. Thank god my employer does or I would be S.O.L. Explain to me how someone can charge $1800.00 for a 40 minute procedure? Yeah, yeah. He went to university and is a delicate genius and has his own staff to pay but my god, what do people do who can't afford this? It is like veterinarians. They charge whatever the hell they want. 

I have about 27 loads of laundry because somebody (not that same person who was snoring) dropped a soft brown load by my pillow. I will give you a hint. He is grey and stripey and his picture is on my sidebar. 

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I bought one of these plants today. Isn't it a nice cheery sort of plant? Unfortunately it is highly invasive so I will have to burn it when it is finished for the season but it looks very happy sitting in my window.

This and That

Well, here I am. I hurt my back at work and I am in so much pain that I cannot even bend down to pick up a bag off the floor. This morning I took a good dose of pain medication and slept all day without even getting up to go to the washroom. 8 1/5 hours, dead to the world. 

Did you know that I think the greatest invention ever invented is soap? Well, now you do. Can you think of a better one?

It is raining so hard right now that I wish you could see it. It is kind of cool living in a rain forest. Except the forest isn't here anymore and it is just the rain. Which is sad but the rain is still cool. Check back with me in a month from now and I will be back to despising the rain.

Another great invention is Ventolin. I am plagued with asthma every fall and ventolin helps me to not die. So does soap. 

My other cat has a cold and my husband said he has been sneezing all day. 

I just took a quiz to see how smart my cat is. My god, who is the stupid one here? 

Last night I discovered another one of my grandmothers. My great, great, great grandmother to be exact. And when you find one relative it is like when you give a mouse a cookie because it starts a domino effect. From her I have about another 50 people to add. She and her husband had a lot of children and grandchildren. As of yet, I do not have a picture of my g, g, g grandfather but lots of images of newspaper clippings and certificates he earned. 

This is their gravestone in Little Lake Cemetery in Peterborough, Ontario. My husband's family is from Peterborough so next time I go I will being them flowers. 

And all of a sudden today I looked at my family tree and tears came to my eyes.  I have been working on it for years now but something about it today made me so proud. Not only for the work that I have put into it (thousands of hours) but the people that are on it. The people that never knew there would be a Birdie but would be happy to meet me and glad that I have acknowledged them and their life. 

For My Mom

For over two years I have written posts about my mom. Most of them have been sad, about her dying, her death and being dead.

Today on the 2nd anniversary of her death I will tell you some other things about her.

• She had a superpower. I am not kidding. She could sort silverware really, really fast. My bother and I would watch in awe as she sorted large handfuls into the drawer, never making a mistake. Her hands would be a blur as each piece found its way into the proper slot.

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

• She was an extreme extrovert. She had well over 100 women in her address book. She kept in contact with all of them. Being an introvert myself, we never really understood the different needs of each other. 

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

• She was the first woman in our neighbourhood to divorce. A very brave thing to do in 1977.

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

• She knew how to dance the twist and the mashed potato. My brother and I would get her to dance for us and we would laugh and laugh.

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

• Her feet were tiny. Size 5. 

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

• Her favourite comedy was anything with Peter Sellers. One time after I had gone to bed I remember her laughing like a crazy woman. I got up to her watching the bridge scene in The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Swine Moat!

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

• My mom made the best roast beef dinner I have ever tasted. Her gravy was always perfect. 

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

• My mom's greatest strength was loving everyone she met. She cherished her friends, family and co-workers. If I could be half the person she was I will have lived my life well.

I know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I miss you, Mom. 

1946 -  2011

Praying for my mom's death. That is what I was doing two years ago tonight. I had left her at the hospital and raged at God. Nobody should suffer like that. And to be honest, I wanted her gone not just for her sake but for my dad's and mine as well. In the time she was in palliative care my dad got old. I swear his hair turned gray, his stepped slowed and his spirit was drained. He stopped smiling. He seemed confused at how he should be acting. Anyway, after I prayed God saw it was time to take her the next morning. I had prepared for her dying but not her death. It has been two years and it doesn't hurt like it did. It still hurts though. A lot. I miss her more now that ever. 

Anyway...

I bought an air conditioner today. Yes, summer is over but it was a good deal and I could not pass it up.  A local thrift store sends out e mails of their bigger items and it was for sale a few days ago but I figured it would be gone so I didn't bother. I received another e mail this morning and the price had gone down so I phoned and bought it. Next summer will be much more bearable and maybe I won't be as cranky.

During the last two years many of you have been my stand in mother. You nurture me, love me, listen to my joys and sorrows and give me advice. I am forever grateful because I do not know how I would have made it through the last two years without you. Mothers are everywhere if we are open to having them in our lives. My mom would thank you for loving me. 

Blah, blah, blog, blah

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Writing a post a day was a silly idea because I have nothing to say today. Nothing. 

A Shayna Maidel

Trying to post everyday. The time is 11:07 and I am running out of time tonight so just a quick post.

We went to see this play tonight. It is one of the best I have seen but so sad. A few plays have made me cry and this was one of them. Click here if you are interested in what it was about. Another play that made me cry was Road to Mecca. Road to Mecca seemed to be written when the writer opened my heart and looked in. It was a play that was life changing. (I do have a question. What the hell makes someone think it is OK to bring a a plastic bag full of popcorn to a play about the Holocaust and then proceed to crinkle it loudly for 10 minutes? People seem to have so little respect for live theatre.   


My daughter had an emergency dental appointment today and she is going to need surgery ASAP to have her wisdom teeth out. My wisdom teeth never bothered me and they were taken out when I was 26 for no reason other that that is what they do. My daughter is 15 which is apparently very young. 

Today was full of stresses. More decisions regarding my kid's education.  More stresses about money, one being the cost of the oral surgeon. Stresses that I have promised not to breathe a word of to anyone. Stresses that make me shake my head and wonder what people think of themselves when they get out of bed every morning. How can people live with themselves and be so deliberately cruel? 

What else? Oh, I bought 12 packages for suet today for my feathery friends. 

My Day so Far in Pictures

Tidied my nightstand.

Did laundry. 

Watched an episode of Call the Midwife. (This show is highly recommended by me!)

I love this quote, from Season 2, Episode 6

"Nora’s life was saved by doctors who asked no questions. She never conceived again. Free, reliable contraception came too late to help her. But, in time, the scientists triumphed. ‘Her daughters’ and granddaughters’ lives remain transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon."

Did some geneology.

Brought in my azalea. 

Cleaned the bathroom. We need to replace this water guzzling toilet!

Thought about cleaning the closet. Nah!

Changed the bed sheets  to flannel. Bramwell says hello!

Tidied some books. (Click to snoop!)

This week I am planning to take off the leftover glue from removing the wallpaper in the master bedroom. it looks so awful right now. My daughter is home sick from school and as I anticipated, she did need antibiotics. 

That is all. 

I have been trying to post everyday but this morning I don't have a lot to say. So far my day has consisted of picking dust out of my fan on my laptop cooling pad. Now I am having an asthma attack as I am highly allergic to dust. 

My daughter is sick so I will have to take her to the walk-in clinic in the morning. Fairly certain she will need antibiotics. When she was very small and all the way up to grade 2 she was always sick. She missed more days of kindergarten and grade one than she actually attended. They knew her by name at the E.R. and the pediatric ward. Now she rarely gets sick and when she does she just keeps going and doesn't rest. Anyway, she is sick now and I think it is a little confusing to her. She keeps saying she will just have a nap and will feel fine. If I did not see her come out of me I would not know she was mine because I am a hypochondriac and milk every ache, pain and sniffle for what it is worth. 

All at once fall has arrived in my town, exactly on schedule. The air is damp and cold. Maybe it is time to put on the flannel bed sheets. As soon as I do that it will get hot again, proving that I control the weather. Bet you didn't know that.

Remember a few weeks back I mentioned my cousin died? My dad ran into his sister and she said I was the only one who sent a card. There were no phone calls or anything. At the time I had a bit of a bee in my bonnet because I had not heard from any of them since my mom died even though I have tried to contact them. Going against my need to pout I sent a card anyway, proving that kindness is always the right choice. My mother's death has taught me many things and one of them is always, always send a card when someone dies. It may not mean anything to the person receiving it but more than likely it will mean everything.

Kindness. I have been going over and over being kind that last few days. It seems a lesson is being taught to me because I keep coming across the word and the concept. It doesn't seem that anyone would admit that they were unkind, leaving to reason that most people think that they are kind. So what is it exactly? Treating others the way you want to be treated of course, but there has to be more to it than that.  Is it gentleness? Forgiving the faults of others? Being helpful? I am not 100% sure but I know I need more of it in my life. I am not always kind. I can be downright mean at times. I gossip. I get angry while driving and have flipped the bird. I can be impatient. When I act this way I don't like myself. What Ghandi said was true. An eye for an eye will make us all blind. He must not have intended that statement to only apply to the big times in life like war but in the small things as well. He must have meant it to mean when someone does something that hurts or offends us. My question is, how can I let go of hurtful things? I am human. I get angry and hurt. When someone hurts someone I love I am particularly unkind. If I really think about it, I don't think people intend to be cruel, hurtful or unkind to me. They too have stresses in life. They may do something that I totally take out of context. Maybe they are just ignorant or curious and their actions come across the wrong way.

Anyway, I don't know. It is something I need to work on. 

Marrying Your Cousin

Now there is a title for a post. I bet it grabbed your attention, eh? One of the reasons people should not marry their cousin is because it makes it a real problem when you try to add that person to the family tree. The family tree program gets stressed and doesn't understand. This is what happened to my first cousin four times removed. In 1905 she married her first cousin. Besides having offspring with possible congenital issues it is not possible to add her to the tree without creating a paradox. Bless their related hearts. I hope they were happy. 

My line of descendants is just as confusing because apparently I am from a long line of bastards. My maternal grandparents never married. My mom never knew this juicy tidbit but she did suspect. My grandma was a very proper woman and would roll over in her grave dressed in her best jacket, skirt and silk blouse. The funny thing is, as it turns out everyone in the neighbourhood knew. I know this because I ran into one of her friends at the geneology meeting the other day and I brought it up. Her words, "Oh, yes. Everybody knew."  Oh. Poor Grandma. She tried so hard to keep it a secret. Not only was she not married to my grandfather but he was still married to his first wife. So my very proper grandma was shacking up. I wonder what lengths she had to go to keep this covered up? I know she was a very private woman with few friends. It is sad that people had to keep so many things secret. And for what? 

My great grandparents on my dad's side are missing a marriage certificate as well. I have been doing geneology for a long time and one does not exist so I don't want to hear any rubbish about it getting lost in a fire. My cousin (once removed) has been looking for it as well. We tracked every other movement in their life but there was no marriage certificate. Then, all of a sudden the 1922 census comes out and it stated my great grandmother as single even though she had six children by this time.

And here is another thing. My great, great, great grandmother had her first child out of the bonds of holy matrimony. *gasp* She was 17 when she had her daughter who was likely stashed at her mother's house and raised there. A year later she married the father of this child who was 15 years her senior. Quite the scandal. 





You may have been able to be indiscreet 100 years ago but it catches up with you when nosy family historians start scrounging through family records. It is all there in black and white. Or not there as the case may be.

And here is the last family scandal I will leave you with. My paternal grandfather left my grandmother with three children under the age of 4. Just got up and left. He phoned 30 years later, for what reason I am not sure. From snooping around I suspect that he was gay and was just not able to fit into the role of husband. It must have been awful for him before it became too much of a lie. We can judge but I think if I had to be in a relationship with a woman I would take off too. Being heterosexual I can't imagine living in a homosexual relationship. It must have been hell for him to be with a woman. Seventy years ago you didn't come out of the closet and hope your family and friends accepted you. Instead he took off and lived a life on the streets of Vancouver until he had a fall and died of a head injury. From talking to family he was also an alcoholic and physically abusive. When he left, my grandma (at 19 years old) went back to her mom and dad, the ones who didn't have the marriage certificate. They accepted her back into their home with open arms with her three small children. My aunt remembers feeling very safe and loved. Which proves you don't need a damn certificate to be loving and do what is right. 

The cold that I was getting was fighting hard but I won. I am taking Cold Fx and Oil of Oregano, both are recommended by my naturopath. They are expensive but taking a day off work is more expensive. 

I stopped by my dad's last night. It has been almost two years since my mom died but I actually still refer to his home as "my mom and dad's house". My mom is still there but in more of a misty kind of way. Like what you can see outside the light of a candle. For a long time it felt like ripping at my heart when I went to their home. It doesn't hurt so much now. And since I have always been honest with you all I can tell you that I still have not gone through my mom's things. You know, the stuff that should have been donated to charity long ago? Part of the reason is my dad has not been ready but the real reason is I have not been ready. Everyone tells me how unhealthy it is and how I should move on...accept it...it isn't right...just do it...this is not what she would have wanted. Well, yes. Maybe all that is true but that is not that Hospice way. Grief is as personal as the way we decorate our homes or choose names for our children. Nobody can tell you how to do it or what way is right. Watching my mom die a long and painful death was horrible. I miss her now more than ever. The time to go through her things will be soon. Not yet, but soon. Getting rid of her things is frustrating because there is some unsaid message in my family that it is my job. My brother and sister won't do it. I have brought it up but I might as well ask Norbert. Sometimes I don't like being the responsible child. Maybe if I explained all the family logistics of what my brother and sister are like it would make sense but at the end of the day all the responsible adult stuff is left to me.

Norbert was finding ways to rub his sore foot after I took the bandage off even with the come of shame so the bandage is back on. Oh, how he hates it!  When it is on he gets all moody and grumpy and walks around feeling like the world is about to end. The bandage and the cone are worse than the actual injury.

It is back to work tonight after being off for 10 days. When I have worked at other jobs going back to work was drudgery but I love what I do, the pay is great and I have benefits. One of the best part of my job is being able to make decisions for my patients without having to run everything by a nurse leader. I am highly trained and have been doing this for a long time and it feels great to be able to make decisions on my own regarding patient care. I know I make a difference. Yes, all my patients are dying or very, very sick but I know that I am good at what I do. When I enter a home and a patient tells me that she is glad I am there brings me so much satisfaction. Do I want to keep working in palliative care? I am almost positive that I do but I have not been taking proper care of myself and it had caught up with me. That has to change. 

I am off to watch the new program on Netflix. It is called, "Derek" and it is one of the best shows I have seen in years. Check it out if you have Netflix. 

Just a Day

Yesterday was just a day, nothing too exciting to write about. In the afternoon I had my Naturopath appointment and I am improving. The only thing that she changed was adding a Magnesium oxide supplement for my very painful cramps during my period. Other than that everything else has either very much improved or improving. My extended benefits covered $200.00 a year so now I have to pay but I will come up with the money some way because I feel so much better.

Here are some pictures
.

I saw this belt in the thrift store and liked how the light reflected off of it so I bought it to hang on one of my trees. Unfortuately the picture doesn't show the shininess so you will have to imagine.

Here are some of my bottles. 

Remember when Suey went missing? I thought she either ran away or was pignapped. She has been found. Are you all letting out a collective sigh of relief? Do you see her hiding?

Norbert is feeling better. He is not limping today and he had the ultimate treat yesterday of water from a can of salmon. He slurped it up like there was no tomorrow.

Going back to bed now. Everyone in our house is coming down with a cold. Sleep is the best thing for a cold.

It's only an old salty Swedish sea dog...

This is exactly how Norbert is walking and it is very funny. Last night he did a supreme hiding job and we all thought he must have escaped. About an hour later he reappeared. This morning I replaced the bandage and everything is healing as it should. It is still tender and he is in a quiet and reflective mood; reflecting on how much misery I have inflicted on him over the last few days and the best way to dead me. Poor kitty. There appears to be no problem with all the extra attention and treats he his getting. Our "due service" in his mind. 

Last night I followed through with my plan to actually go out and be with other people. It was a historical/geneology club. When I was walking up to the door I just wanted to turn around and come home again and I almost did. Social anxiety! Go in I did and I even talked to a few people. The speaker was very interesting. He was about 80 and was telling stories about hitchhiking through Europe in his early 20's. He hooked up with two women, neither ended up being his wife. Anyway, I made it through but the only problem was I was the youngest person by about 30 years. This may be defeating my purpose of getting out to socialize. Next meeting is in a  month so I will give it another try. 

Well, here he is the poor kitty. He ripped the other gauze off so I went to the pet supply store and got that red stuff. Norbert hates it because he can't get it off no matter how hard he tries. I also saturated his paw in Vetericyn. If you have a pet I recommend you keep this stuff in the house. Two years ago Norbert had a puncture wound. It got infected really fast over night and a blogger told me about it. At the time I was taking care of my mom and not working and was down to my last few dollars so I had no money to take him to the vet. My other option was surrendering him and of course I didn't want to do that because I love the beastie so much. I put Vetericyn on the would and there was a noticeable change by that night. It had totally cleared up within a couple of days. The reason you want to keep it in the house is because often injuries can be treated at home, like this burn. Anyway, Norbert is grumpy because he hates the red thing but he is not showing any signs of pain and is eating and drinking  I just re-wrapped his paw and it is not showing any sign of infection. I did a Google search and it seems a lot of cats hop onto hot things and singe their paws, sometimes seriously. Norbert is lucky this is just a minor burn.

Another Monday. Today is a good day for a nap. Norbert is napping beside me and my husband is on his computer. And you may not believe me but I had a premonition last night about the shootings. There is no way I can explain it but I just knew there would be a mass shooting today. What's up with that? 

Sunday

It is the epitome of a lazy Sunday here. I got up late, really late. So far I have read blogs and had a coffee. 

Norbert has hurt his paw. The skin on a small part of the padding of his paw has come off. Poor kitty. Now he has his paw wrapped up in gauze and he is wearing the cone of dishonour. He won't sleep.  My daughter offered him a saucer of milk, his favourite but he is not interested. He has not been outside so I am not sure how he hurt himself. Right now he is hating me with a full on loathe because I was the one who wrapped his paw and has a hopeless look in his eyes. It must be confusing for animals when they are in pain. 

Update - My son just came upstairs and said Norbert jumped up on the counter and walked on the stove and burned his paw. It was turned off but still warm. He knows he is not supposed to be up on the counter but we can't seem to break him of it. Maybe now he has learned his lesson. This makes me sad. Burns are so painful. He is walking around now after having a short nap.

Tonight I am making a stew because the weather has all at once changed. It is cool and rainy. A few leaves have started to change and there are even leaves on the ground. Though Autumn is not officially here until next Sunday I am welcoming her. 

Here I am yesterday finishing the last wall. It appears that the previous owners glued down the edges with school glue and that crap does not come off with steam. Anyway, the removal job is complete but now I need to treat it with some chemical spray to remove the residue. Now you can also see the colour of our furniture.

Today is a tired and lazy kind of day. Last night I had an iced cappuccino at around 7:00. Bad idea! I didn't fall asleep until after 3:00. Norbert gets up whenever he senses that I have just fallen asleep. He started running and leaping up and down the hall with sound effects. I got up to put him in the basement but he just kept running away and hiding and laughing at me. Then my daughter's alarm clock went off. Then the smoke detector started beeping. Then a bunch of loud noises outside. They my husband who had had a good sleep got up. Then he came back in to get his clothes. When the phone rang for the second time I gave up and got up. So, yes. I am really tired today. No black dog but tired. 

I really like your suggestions for colour! Ironically, I do want  to do one accent wall in wallpaper. Since it will only be one wall and our bedroom is small it should not cost too much and if I hate it in two years I can remove it. Wallpaper made today just comes right off. 

Well, my chickadees are at their dad's and my husband is out so I have the house all to myself for a bit. Time to drink my coffee and read blogs. 

How to Remove Wallpaper in One Easy Step

Our Ugly Master Bedroom. (I do love the floor though!)

1. Call a contractor.

Or,

2.You can do what I am doing and try to do it yourself. The previous owners put wallpaper on wallpaper. See the fancy boarders? And why the hell anyone wouldn't cover the entire wall in wallpaper if beyond me. The previous owners never primed the wall either so the glue is sticking to the wall and I have no idea how I am going to get it off. 

I thought this job would be a snap because the advertisement on the steamer box said it would be. Look at the woman on the box. She appears to be actually enjoying herself. Me? I am sweating like a pig. The steamer is for lack of a better word...steamy. Old wallpaper glue is dripping down the walls and the floor is littered with old wallpaper. But be quick because the wallpaper will re-wallpaper itself to the hardwood floor if you don't get it off before it dries.  

Our furniture is similar to this. 

I have about 2/3 done and taking a break. I am guessing getting the wallpaper off is going to be the easy part. Next the walls will have to be sanded, primed then painted. There is not a bone in my body that has any sense of design but I know I want the accent colour to be purple. I would like the walls to be neutral but not dark and depressing. Any ideas? Seriously, I am clueless. The furniture we have in our bedroom is quite dark. (It is called solid cherry) so the walls need to be on the lighter side. I have seen many pictures of your homes and I know there are some potential interior decorators among you so speak up and give me some free advice.

As I was stripping away wallpaper today I was thinking about how nice it is when the black dog is not hanging out with me. Yes, today is a good day. 

A Rant

Thank god I took my three days away or today would have done me in. That and the armed guards. What? Peaceful, gentle (slightly deranged) Birdie was in the presence of armed guards? Yes, I was.

It all started last week when I received a letter from Revenue Canada asking me for a copy of proof of child support that my kid's dad pays and proof that I have custody. I could either go to court house and get the copies at my expense or have my children's father write a two-line letter stating that I have custody and how much he pays each month in child support. Now as I have explained before, for 12 years I have never gone after him for more child support. He has been paying the same amount for 12 years! Also, I had the Family Maintenance Enforcement Program taken away so he would not be required to pay on the first of each month. He was having problems paying on the first of the month so I was trying to "treat others how I want to be treated" and let him pay whenever he could.  He said the FMEP was making his life miserable so I cut him some slack and said as long as he pays every month I don't care. See how nice I have been? What other person would do this? 

Over the years I have given him full access to the kids and he can see them whenever he wants. I even give him first choice on every holiday including Christmas. Why? Because I am a nice person. 

Then last week I thought I would ask him for the two fucking lines in a note but he would not do it.  So off I went to the court house where I had to copy 56 sheets at $1.00 a sheet. Did I mention the automatic paper feed did not work? One sheet at a time. It took an hour. I was getting so angry while I sat there because why couldn't he just write the fucking note? (At this point an armed guard walked by. I am guessing it was the sheriff.) All I have done over the years and it is never reciprocated. And today, it all became too much. I AM TIRED OF BEING NICE! I give up. He can start paying what he owes and when it is due. He can also pay the three months that he hasn't paid. I am done. In the letter I am giving him 3 weeks to get caught up or I will have the FMEP put back into place so I no longer have to deal with him.

Anyway, I got all 56 pages sent off (at $1.00 a sheet!) and I just have to wait to hear back. I have no concerns because I have never lied to Revenue Canada. 

In other news, I have taken a week off work! Yay! 

I am Needed

Well, I made it home safe and sound. First I stopped by the beach and sat for over an hour and just watched the planet do its thing. As I drove home my stomach started aching. Oh, and I had to pee and you all know how that turned out. ha! Anyway, my family was glad to see me. Before I left I told my husband to do some thinking and he must have because he did something very sweet and special for me. (Which I will keep secret!) It was the sort of thing he would have done when we were dating. There is hope. Dear god, there is hope.

When I got home I changed my pee pants, cleaned the bathroom, put clean sheets on the bed and did laundry. It is all hanging on the clothes line because it was so hawwwt today (not just hot, but hawwwt!).  I then wrote a strongly worded letter to my children's father demanding he pay the three (it is actually 6 but I am being nice)  months of child support he owes and that from now on payment will be on the first of the month. I have been nice for 12 years now and am being taken advantage of. Hell hath no fury like a Birdie scorned! If he doesn't pay I will be taking matters to a higher power and that higher power isn't the Baby Jesus.

All in all, it is good to be home. I am needed here and it is nice to be needed. My husband, my kids and the cats need me. That is pretty damn nice.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Well, my three days of respite have passed and I am to check out in 30 minutes. I can't say I am eager to go home but it is time. Taking time away really did give me time to think and focus and I am so glad that I did it. The cost did have to go on my credit card but it was one of the more reasonable priced B&B's. The hosts were kind and gracious and as per my request, allowed me to have this time of reflection and did not bother me. When I got up in the morning my breakfast was waiting. In fact, I only say the husband for the first time this morning and the wife in the yard. Right now my body feels relaxed. Maybe this is something I need to do for myself more often. Once a year is not enough...maybe every six months? I give a lot to my family, my patients and to my community and it is so important to keep a balance. How can I be 42 and never taken a time away to myself before? 
OK, I am on my way home... Going to make a few stops along the way. I did buy some inexpensive treasures yesterday to put in my yard. Treasures to remind me of my time here and to remember the decisions I have made and the goals I have set for myself. 

And Now for the Plans for Healing...

Sheesh, does that sound New Agey or what?  I don't care though because my spirit really is unwell. These then, are my plans. We are talking baby steps.

(You will have to read my previous post for this to make sense.)

# 6 Social - As an introvert is is very easy to stay that way. When introverts stay introverted we end up never going anywhere unless we have to. I have thought about this and know that for me to actually go out and meet people I have be really interested in the subject. 

My goal - Join the local historical/geneology society. I think I can do this because they only meet once a month. 

# 5 Spirituality -  This one is more difficult. When it comes to Spirituality I would consider myself a Quaker. Of all the faiths this is the one that lines up with my core beliefs. However, because I work nights, when I get off on Sunday morning I am really tired. I miss the connection with other believers. 

My goal - Go to at least one service a month. Services are only an hour and are spent in silence. I can always go home and sleep afterwards. This also will help with the social aspect as I will connect with other like-minded people. 

# 4 Physical - Now that I am feeling a little better I think it is time to add some sort of physical activity. My first love is swimming but our parks and rec. department have upped their prices and I can't afford to go ($7.00/swim!). 

My goal - Since I can't go swimming,  I am going to take advantage of a park that 

is close to my home. My goal is to start out walking to the duck pond (that never has any ducks) three times a week. It is not far but I need to have an attainable goal.

# 3 Emotional - This is a tough one. Living with depression is a bitch at times. 

My goal - Accept that I have depression and be kind to myself. Stop saying "I suffer from depression". Instead learn to live as well as I can with depression. Be grateful for the good days. When the Black Dog shows up spend time getting to know why he is there. Most of the time he shows up when I am under stress. I need to not be afraid to write about it here on my blog.  If I have made it this far living with the beast, there is no reason why I can't keep going. 

# 2 My job -  Currently I am getting my palliative accreditation and working full time in the field. I can not quit my job on a whim and doing so could bring a lot of regret. 

My goal - Finish the current class I am taking and then take a break. Re-evaluate at the end of January. 

# 1 Marriage - This one still has me stuck. I love my husband. At one time we were so happy together but something has gone awry. A part of me is angry and indignant but another part of me is committed to making it work. Every marriage has bad spells and I can't throw in the towel until I know that there is no hope. If this were happening to a friend I would be angry and tell her to leave but it is so different when you are the one that it is happening to. I want to find what my husband and I have lost. At this point I don't know if it is any use but I am hanging onto hope. If I am without hope, what else is there?

My goal - I don't really know. All I know is I can only change myself. Not having a goal makes me feel tremendously anxious and sad. I guess my goal will be to keep hanging onto hope. For how long? I don't know. 

So there you are. I want to thank you all for your comments. It is an honour for me to have all of you in my life. I thank God for every one of you. 

So, what is this all about? This running away from my family and everyday chaos? Well, lately I have just felt sad. Sad at so many things. A sadness that these three days away will not cure. It feels as if there is so little joy in my life. Of course, I miss my mom but I am learning to live without her. (There are no other choices.) Actually, I miss my whole family. After my mom died our family fell apart. I have tired to keep family events going but nobody else seems interested. It has been two years this month and I just don't have it in me to keep trying to get my family together for stuff. I think I would be able to accept this if everything else wasn't in such a mess. 

So, here it is, in order,  of what is going on right now.

# 6 Social - As time passes I become more and more introverted, more dismayed and bewildered with humanity. Going out is horrendous and all I want to do is be home again. Being home is the lesser of two evils. I can admit I would like to have close friendships but whenever I try I get myself into friendships I get hurt. I am lonely. 

# 5 Spirituality - It used to be such a big part of my life but in the last few years I just feel lost and confused as to what is right and what is wrong. Every religion thinks every other religion is wrong. I have prayed and begged and pleaded with God. Nothing but silence in return. What kind of God ignores a pleading child?

# 4 Physical - With seeing a naturopath and with all the supplements I am taking I am feeling a little better physically but there is such a long way to go. I have so little energy and the energy I do have is sapped with work and raising teenagers. 

# 3 Emotional - Depression engulfs me often. I am so tired of not feeling happy. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I am sick of medication that does not seem to help.

# 2 My job -  Maybe I am not cut out to work in palliative care. That is a thought that has been plaguing me for a few months now.  Right now, it just makes me tired. Caring for the dying takes so much out of me at times. I always have to be "on" when I am working. No sad days when you are working with the dying and their families. Nope.

# 1 Marriage - My husband and I argue. A lot. Too much for me to say that I am happy in my marriage right now. I don't think he loves me. Actually he tells me often that he doesn't and it fucking breaks me. He tells me he does not want to be married to me and that I do not know what love is. But then, a few days later he says he does love me. My heart feels like it is being juggled, then dropped, picked up, juggled and dropped. My marriage makes me sad but I think it will make me sadder to leave. It is awful not to feel loved.

And then there is the whole thing of knowing I should just suck it up. I live in one of the best countries in the world. My kids are mostly healthy. I have a beautiful home and a car. I have a job that pays the bills. There is so much to be grateful for and I am, I really am. But there is also a lot that just leaves me sad. 

I Made It!

My plans for getting away came close to falling apart this afternoon. There was a miscommunication with family but I am here and everything worked out. 

First, on the ride up here the radio gods were smiling on me. More often than not the radio ends up getting turned off but there were some great songs playing today. I stopped and got myself a large iced cappuccino made with whole cream. Yum! And then when I got here I was welcomed to this! 

Only it is even more adorable in person. It actually made me gasp when I drove up. And to add to the perfection I was greeted by a Calico cat. My god, did the owners train her to do that? Aren't Calicos the most homey of cats? My room is the one on the right. I have not yet explored the little tower at the top of the house. And my room! Oh, it is so perfect! 

I am currently sitting on this bed. When I got into the room it was bright and sunny and a little on the warm side but the owners have a wee fan that I turned on and not the room is perfect.

This is the bathroom. Tonight I am going to fill that tub to the top and waste water. Usually I conserve but I am going to enjoy that tub! 

This is the rest of the room. See how bright and sunny it is? There is also a little cart with a coffee machine. In the other corner there is a T.V. that I won't be watching. (Netflix, maybe but not T.V.) In the other corner there is a C.D. player. I peeked at the discs but right now I just want quiet. Here are a few more pictures.

For the next three nights I will be here. As I said, lots of thinking to do. Lately I feel so stagnant and stuck. It is time to think about plans for my physical, emotional, spiritual, mental and social wellness. My goal for these three days is to try to come up with at least one plan for each of these parts of me. Right now my mind is just so...jumbled all the time. I never have time just to be quiet and think. I am hoping that after this little retreat I will have some direction and be able to move forward in all areas of my life. By no means am I expecting big changes but it would be nice to step out of the muck and mire. 

That is it for now. I am going to go out and find something to eat. Check back often over the next three days as I am intending to blog what I come up with.