Alone and Lonely

Ever since my mom died I have felt so alone.  I am so tired of crying.  Crying that comes from my very core and is never soothed.  I do not talk about my family on this blog for the sake of their privacy but I have to write this out.  
My fiancé and I are having so many problems.  He is always angry at me.  Ever since we moved in together it has been horrible.  He keeps telling me that he wants to kill himself because of me.  He tells me that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him.  Between the day my mom died and her Celebration of Life he told me he was going to kill himself because I make his life so terrible.  He tells me that he does not know why he stays with me. 
If I ask him questions about what he is doing or where he is going he becomes resentful.  If I don't do enough housework he gets angry.  He never kisses me goodnight unless I ask.  (I grew up with my mom and dad kissing all the time.)  I have tried to speak to him and he just goes quiet or gets really mad at me. 
Before we moved in together things were not like this.  I don't know what has happened.  Maybe I am a burden.  Since my mom died I am pretty useless.  I cry every day but so much of it has to do with him.  If I could leave tonight I would but I have nowhere to go.  My dad is out of the country.  I don't have friends close enough to ask to take me  and two teenagers in.  
I am not sleeping. I am not eating. I have lost about 25 pounds.  How much can a person cry until there are no more tears?  I want to die.  I stay alive each day for my kids.  Right now I am a shitty mom.  My kids talk to me and there words make no sense.  Last night I spoke to my sister and I could not tell you one words she said.  I knew it had  to do with my papa and his medication but I don't know what she wanted me to do. My whole life is like this.  People talk to me and I don't understand.  I read my books and I don't know what I am reading.  I drive and forget where I am going. I read your blog posts and I can't come up with any words for a comment.  All I can do right now is stare at the birds.  
I love my fiancé very much.  At least I think I do.  I have always been a woman that gives her heart openly and freely to everyone.  I want our relationship to be what it was. It is hard to love when there is so much pain in my heart.   Maybe I am just too fucked up.  I hear that god won't give us any more than we can take.  Not true.  My heart has been broken more times I can't even count.  
I don't know how much longer I can do this.  I miss my mom (and dad) every second of every day.  I have never felt so alone in my entire life.  I want to die.  I am already on a new anti-depressant but anti-depressants can't take away pain and grief.  Why is this fucking grief not letting up?  I am doing everything you are supposed to do when grieving.  I journal, I go to counselling, I meditate, I do Yoga and I practice self-care.  And yet, grief hangs around my neck. Why did God see it to take one of the most beautiful people ever?  She was my best friend, my mentor, my cheering section, my protector, my counselor and my mama. She was so incredibly beautiful.  
When will the pain end? 

I love my blogging friends. 

My mom and dad were married on this day.  They never intended to have a Valentine's day wedding.  They just decided to get married the second weekend in February and it fell on the 14th.  I think it is a very appropriate day for two people who were are so in love.  
An uneventful day.  I bought some candles that were actually made here in Canada and not in China.  I love candles and burn them almost everyday but I won't buy candles that have been godknowswhere.  I am breathing that stuff in so I am very selective.  Today I bought three Sweet-pea candles and I think I am going to go buy more because you can never have too many candles in B@rbara's world.   
The weather has been nice.  Usually this kind of weather makes me want to do some Spring cleaning.  I really should clean out the bottom of my closet.  I keep throwing crap in there.  I think it probably empties out somewhere near Denver, Colorado but I can't be sure.  Anyway, I am not cleaning.  I just stare out the window and watch the birds.  I hope I get some energy soon.  Actually, I don't.  I am content to just watch the birds for now.
I am coming up my blogging anniversary next week.  I have been blogging at 40 and Loving it for one year.  However, I have been blogging since February 2004.  Holy crap, that is a long time.  If you are interested here is a link to my first blog.    I wrote there from 2004 - 2007 and then I started another blog where I wrote very sporadically.  Anyway, what is the point? I don't have one.  I do like looking back at where I was and how far I have come. 
OK, bath and candle time.  

I hate Facebook.  Have I mentioned that yet?  I had enough about 2 years ago but I kept my account open.  I recently cleaned up my friends list and deleted about 100 people.  When my mom died people actually thought sending a condolence via Facebook would suffice.  That is when it got to be too much.  Unless you have never met someone in person or have not seen them since  high school don't send a fucking sympathy note via Facebook.  It is too fucked up. Instead, go to the dollar store and pick up a damn card , sign your name and stick a stamp on it.  I didn't want to go all crazy-ass over this.  I thought I would let it rest but it kept bothering me.  Really bothering me.  Then I started really paying attention to what people were posting.  One woman I had on my friends list used to slam her family and neighbours in her posts.  I guess somebody called her on it because then there was a post saying she thought Facebook was a "safe place" to vent.  Anyway, I am tired of the same old shit day after day so I deleted my entire account. But get this.  It is never really deleted!  It just sits inactive until you give in (to your addiction) and sign back in. Bah.  
In other news I bought 24 pairs of new socks today. I threw all the old ones away.  I know it is a stupid thing to get excited about but all my socks were like cheese-cloth.  
I mentioned a video post a while back and I am thinking of doing it soon. I was thinking of a "Day in the Life of B@rbara" thing.  I was going to do it this week seeing as how I just had my eyebrows waxed but then this huge zit appeared on my cheek.  Drat it anyway.  Maybe next week.  

Ag! I Should Post...

I haven't been posting so I am going to try to think of something to say.  I am on my days off and I have done nothing.  Nothing, I tell you.  I find 'days off' are usually spent running around doing stuff but this week I decided to sit and stare at the wall. Maybe read a book.  (I am having a hard time finding a good read lately.  I don't want anything heavy.  Something that would make me laugh would be nice.  Any suggestions?)  I did have my eye brows waxed and my bangs trimmed because (as my mom used to say) I was looking like the Wreck of the Hesperus.  

Norbert, the U.B.  (see side bar if you are new to my blog) is in full on "it's Spring!"  mode.  He is fixed but you would never guess.  He cries like a baby so he can go outside.  What the hell he does out there that brings him so much pleasure is beyond me.  (humping things I have no doubt.) He is also trying to overthrow me by repeated assassination attempts on the stairs.  He runs as fast as he can around the house with no apparent direction or purpose.  I am quite convinced that when I get old I am going to die as a result of a broken hip because a cat tripped me.  That cat won't be Norbert but it will be a cat.  Evil.  Pure evil, all of them!  If I blog long enough one day everyone will wonder what happened when I no longer post.  It will be because a cat managed to kill me.  You would think I should choose to live in a house without cats but that is just silly.

These are my Groundhogs.  Six more weeks of winter my friends.  I was hoping it would come before May 21.  But aren't they cute?  I am missing some of the ones from the collection but I see e-bay has them.  This is my only collection.   They only get to come out once a year.  

Anyway, I am going to go back to staring at the wall.