Bring on the Jack Russel!

As of today I have lost 10.4 pounds. Yay for that.  It is a strange thing though because yesterday was my weigh in day and I was up.  I weighed today and I am down 3 pounds from yesterday.  Stranger than that is yesterday I was really pissed off and didn't track at all and ate about 15 potato & cheese perogies with butter in defiance to being up.

In other news, the black dog is still here.  I am all over the place emotionally.  Anger and sadness. A lot of anger. So much anger that I can feel it buzzing inside of me.  It is coming out physically.  My neck and shoulders are in a lot of pain.  When I sleep I have nightmares.  What is going on? I have written it all before so I won't write anymore.  I am calling a counselor in the next day or two.  And I will come out of this and the black dog will go away.  Maybe a happy little Jack Russel terrier will show up instead. 

Today my boy turns 17!  I said in his card that I am glad I only have one son because he would be my favourite and I would feel bad liking him more than the other son. Recently I mentioned that he has gone on medication for anxiety and I am relieved to say that he is feeling incrementally better.  He has another appointment in a month. 

My tree.  We had another quote and this guy said there was nothing at all wrong with it except it really needs a good pruning. So, Brianna (the weeping Birch) will live!  The tree that I stared at in the months after my mom died.  The tree that houses birds and feeds them. My tree.

Nada

 I would give someone ten bucks to go and get me a coffee right now.  I want a donut too.  Tim Hortons is having Roll up the Rim to Win so there is really no reason why this is not a most excellent idea. 

Now here is what pissed me off this week.  We have a beautiful weeping Birch tree in our front yard.  I love this tree but it is in a desperate need of pruning and topping.  It is near electrical wires so we have to get it done professionally so we called for three estimates    One guy we called came out and said that it was not worth saving and he would rip it out for $250.00.  I told him I really loved the tree (I have given the tree a name but didn't think sharing with him was a good idea) but if it there was no other option I guess that was what we would do. And then this happened.  I thanked him for coming and said we still had two other companies to come out to give us an estimate.  Before I could get my sentence out he turned his back on me and stormed off and said, Whatever.  This guy was seriously angry!  I was stunned.  I then said, Well I guess it won't be you. He said, Fine! and got in his truck and drove away.  WTF?  I was so mad I wrote an angry Google review.  Times used to be you could treat a customer like crap (or very well) and the customer has no way of voicing it. Now we do.  So, fuck you landscaper guy.  My husband was furious because the asshole made me cry.  How do people run successful business when they act like that?

OK, now I would give someone $100.00 for a massage.  My neck is still all sore and twisted from moving a patient last week. So far that is a coffee, a donut and a massage.  

One of my Negative Posts

He is Back

I have much to be thankful for.  I do.  But sometimes that Black Dog of Depression (and Anxiety) shows up and I think I can't take one more day of it.  Is this how my life is going to be forever?  Things are tolerable except when they are not? And then I want to just go away.  Who wants to live a life that you can just tolerate? 

So what is going on?  Does it really matter?  Issues with my mom are coming up since I started this grief support group.  Going is absolute hell and I hate it.  We are halfway through but I am thinking of quitting.  The grief of the people in my group is so fucking horrible.  There are people who have lost loved ones through the most tragic of consequences and all that happened to me is that my mom died.  And considering how fucking horrible it is I don't know if going to this group is going to do what it is supposed to and that is to help me heal.  My mom was a beautiful person.  We had our times where we did not agree and in no way am I holding her up to be a better person than she was but she really was my hero.  And she is dead.  Dead.  She has been dead for well over a year now.  I keep her memories close to me but I don't feel her close.  Or maybe I do. I don't know.  Maybe she is just dead.  No afterlife.  No heaven. No reincarnation   Just dead and gone forever. And that is what is going to happen to all of us.  There are no miracles. 

My defenses are down and my husband and I are arguing.  The last day or two I am considering leaving. Things with him are tolerable most days but when they are not, they are so fucking bad. If I left him today he would not shed a tear.  He would sell this house in a heartbeat. I wish I could describe how he is. He loves me in his own way but if I left he would be just fine.  At night he won't even give me a kiss unless I ask. He just rolls over and goes to sleep.  Last week I timidly came to him and asked him why he can go out to dinner or for a drink with friends or even by himself but he doesn't take me out.  You know what his response was?  He said he is taking me out this week for my birthday.  WTF? It has to be a special occasion to take me out?   I ask him all the time if he wants to go out and I will pay for it. Nope.  He just says that he will pass.  And I am left feeling like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is.  (The witty Birdie you see here is only a small part of me!)  Maybe I just saw my mom and dad's marriage which was so full of love and giving that my ideals are warped.  Maybe I need to lower the bar. Maybe I am just too sensitive.  I have so many issues and need to be validated. Being way too emotional does not help this relationship. I need to quit being so needy and be less of a pain in the ass.  It would be good for me to detach and not expect so much. 

To add to all this, my kids dad has not paid child support for 4 months now.  Taking him to court is not an option because he works for himself and gets paid under the table. He is in contracting and just keeps saying he isn't working right now.  He had been paying the same amount of child support for 12 years now. $250.00 a month.  That is $125.00 a month per child.  When I have approached him on actually paying more he pulls the "I am not working right now" routine.  Then his wife gets involved and says she is going to take me to court. (For what I do not know.)  So, because I am a weak woman I don't bother to do anything about it.  The stress of it all is simply not worth it.  

Then, the straw that breaks the camels back.  My son.  My highly sensitive son who has never said a mean word about anyone.  The boy that hugs me in front of his friends.  The tall young man that is adored by his teachers because he is so gentle and kind to everyone.  Last week he had to go on medication for anxiety.  Because this shit is passed down.  And it is my fucking fault because I have not been able to raise him to not give a shit.  I have not raised him to be strong.  How is it that it that I was handed a beautiful baby and now I have managed to allow this demon to take over his life?

Anyway, I need to sit and think and just relax.  I will feel better soon, I always do.  I just need to "defrag". 

Does Anyone Else Do This?

I am curious who else composes posts in her head all day long and never actually writes them.  Today alone I have probably come up with 5 or 6 posts but now I can't remember much about them.  I think one may have had to do with Tim Hortons coffee.  There was one about my never ending search into my family tree.  I found 10 more Great (x 5) Aunts and Uncles.

https://familysearch.org/search/record/results#count=20&query=%2Bgivenname%3AJoseph~%20%2Bsurname%3Awebb~%20%2Brecord_country%3AEngland%20%2Bspouse_givenname%3Arhoda~%20%2Bspouse_surname%3Awestwood~

I was also going to write about how much my neck and knee hurt from transferring a patient. Oh, and of course my (non) weight loss.  I seem stuck at breaking the 10 pound mark. I have gained this week and I don't know how that is possible.  The week is not over yet, but damn! I will say I am feeling better but it sure would be nice to see better results.  

And then I was thinking if I was a lesbian woman I would have a thing for Zooey Deschanel.  She is a little bit too thin for my tastes but there is the whole thing of me liking men. 

That's about it.  Posts that actually didn't make it to being a post. 

Postponed!

So yes, my surgery has been postponed.  I wasn't given a reason. Now it will be March 20th.  A few of you have asked what the surgery is for.  Basically, it is to put my female parts back where they belong.  My son was a very big baby and likely should have been a cesarean but instead he was delivered the old-fashioned way and then with forceps.  I tore and was cut and because of the trauma,everything down south has moved to places in should not be.  Normally I don't hold back on details on my blog but for once I think I must.  (It is really embarrassing and only my husband and gynecologist know all of it.) Let's just say, like an old car I need to go in for some repairs. A lot of repairs. 

On a happier note, it was almost like Spring today!  February tends to be pretty nice where I live.  It changes back to rain in March but I don't mind.  The really crappy gray damp weather is almost behind us. Yippee for that! 

Here is a juicy bit of news.  Are you ready? I bought "the world's best pot scrubber" the other day. Actually, I bought two of them. **  If any of you have trouble with scrubbing pots and pans it is because you don't have "the world's best pot scrubber".  Which means I am better than you.  And my pots are cleaner. To be honest, if you are from Canada, you too can get "the world's best pot scrubber" from Home Hardware.  (Linda- you may want to leave your vacation from Florida early because you don't want to miss out.)

And holy hell. That is the most interesting part of my week. 

**My dishwasher broke and I am not going to have it fixed.  I have given my kids one of each utensil and dish and taped the cupboard shut. Every time I enter the kitchen it is a pigsty. My kids can't seem to grasp the concept of putting a damn plate in the dishwasher.  Anyway, now it is broken and it is to damn bad.

Is Your Fibre a Multitasker?

Well, is it? Apparently mine is.  I didn't even know that this was something people thought about.  It seems my surgery may be postponed and I am not happy.  Already I am at the point of having to stay home more than I usually do.  I find out on Thursday what is going to happen.  I bet you don't give a shit but I do.  ha ha ha

My son turns 17 this month and he has bought his first Valentine gift for a friend that is a girl. He got her a card and a tiny stuffed turtle.  He is so sweet and so is the friend that is a girl.  They talk all the time of Skype and go for walks when they are on a break at school. It is a huge, Awwwww!

A Stay-Cation Will Be Nice

Cute Overload!

Oh, but I am weary.  There is no reason for it.  I just am.  It is perhaps twisted of me to look forward to a major surgery just so I can get some time off and rest. Right now I could easily hibernate through the rest of winter.  Well, I would wake up for the Gordon Lightfoot concert then go back to bed.  My birthday is this month and I would be OK to sleep through that too.

Weight Watchers. I have been following their plan for 6 weeks now and have lost almost 9 pounds.  And nobody has noticed. My clothes are a little looser. The plan itself is great and easy to follow. The problem I am having is just how much food is out there and how accessible it is!  It is true that some people can eat whatever they want and then others have to watch every bite.  A friend of mine has a waist that is about the size of a 12 year old girl.  I have seen her eat!  And she drinks gallons of red wine! How does she stay so thin? I don't know. 

I read a post about going through pictures in my files that are long forgotten.  So, here you go. 

This is my grandpa.  I adored him.  I just look at this picture and my heart grows.  He was everything a man should be to a little girl.  I have clear memories of being very small and following him everywhere. As you can see he was a ham radio operator. He always let me talk to his buddies.  He let me jump on his bed and he smelled like Brylcreem.  We would go out to his garden and he worked while I "helped". He never got mad when I pulled up the wrong thing.  My best memory of him is crawling up into his lap while he sat in his "easy chair".  I would curl my tiny body into his big round one and listen to his breathing and his heart beat.  He loved me so much.  Unfortunately, he died when I was only 9 so I didn't have him for as long as I would have liked but I feel especially blessed to have had him for my grandpa. 

So, What's New?

My GGGG Grandparents grave

Not a hell of a lot.  A neighbour came by my house and gave me about 10 new scrub tops.  They are all really nice!  I am tired of my scrubs so so new tops will make a nice change.

My daughter is going to the U.S. for 4 days this month.  I will tell you why and where after she gets back.  It is something for school and she is very excited.

I continue to work on my family tree.  Tonight I started looking for some information, got side-tracked, found something else entirely then went back to looking for the original document but completely forgot what it was I was looking for in the first place. (I know that sounds confusing but try actually doing whatever it is I was doing!)  Such is the life of anyone who does genealogy   You work on your tree until names (all the men are named Robert, William, James, John, Joseph, Matthew, Thomas or Robert) become the same. (Yes, I mentioned Robert twice.  Just seeing if you are paying attention.)   The women have a larger selection of names but they are hard to trace because they were considered to be "Mrs. Robert Smith".  Anyway, I shall forge on because I really do love doing this!  My tree is finally to the point where I am able to add birth/baptism/marriage/death certificates. This endeavour has taken me years.  Just when I think I have come to an end, something else shows up.  To get an understanding of how much work that has been put into this, between me and my (first) cousin (once removed) we have added well over 5000 relatives. 
That is all for now. I am going to go watch Mary Tyler Moore. Can anyone sing the theme song without looking up the lyrics?

Just Another Manic Monday

I could write a very long and drawn out post about the hell I have had to go through to get my 15 year old daughter a passport but I won't.  All I will say it today alone I had to drive 8 hours and at one point drove down the wrong way down a own way street.  Oh, and at one point I got my car up to 130 km/hour.  It was the suggested speed.  Yes, I was the one who suggested it and so that is how fast I went. I am sure the R.C.M.P. would have frowned on me going that fast but, oh well.  The actual limit was 110 so I was only just a little bit over and there were people that were passing me.  Anyway, after all that we still don't have the passport.  It may be a shock to know this but my 15 year old daughter is not a terrorist.  

Here is something that pissed me off.  In the middle of my 8 hour drive we had to stop for something to eat.  I stopped at Tim Hortons and ordered a simple turkey panini.  That is a good choice, right? Wrong. 15 points!  I can have 26 in one day so that it way over the top. I am down another pound this week so that is good. 

In other news.  The Canadian mint will no longer be distributing the penny.  That means every purchase should be rounded up or down to the nearest nickel but we all know that it actually means that it will just be rounded up.  I have no energy to give a shit. 

Well, I am tired, hungry and cranky so I am off to bed. 

Sinking to a New High!

As a parent do you often feel like a broken record?  Do you ask your kids to do things only have them to "forget"?  Or they remember to do what you ask them but do a lousy job?  I have nagged, begged, pleaded, yelled, cried and punished my kids.  Nothing has worked. Until Skype!

I send them messages.  They usually show "offline" but I am on to that.  (Trying to hide from me.) After they answer me I tell them what needs to be done. Instead of going to check their job over and over again until I am satisfied I now just get them to turn their Skype Cam on and I check their work that way. All from comfort of my chair!  No yelling, no frustration. Just sitting. Even my status says, Ruling the house from the comfort of my laptop.

Poor parenting? Damn rights it is but it works and it saves me a lot of grief.  And the kitchen has never been cleaner!

Don't ya hate it when you are so tired and know you won't be able to sleep for another 9 hours? I am also cold and have cramps. meh I know. Suck it up.  I am also hungry but too tired to reach beneath my chair and peel and orange. Pathetic   I mean really pathetic...  I just reached down and grabbed the orange but now it is sitting beside me.  Now I just have to work up the energy to peel it. 

Many hours later...  Well, I peeled the orange and ate it. It wasn't that good.  It must be old.  Oranges don't grow fresh anywhere in January. meh I have a headache now.

So, it is Groundhog day! These are my groundhogs from last year.  Fuckers didn't see a shadow.  I will take them out today but I know the sons-of-bitches want to keep sleeping for another six weeks so it won't be an early Spring. meh

Here they are waiting to go outside.  If case you are wondering this is my only collection.  I am missing some but Amazon.com won't send them to Canada.  One day I will get them because nobody else gives a shit about stuffed groundhogs.

OK, 3 more hours until I can sleep.