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| He is Back |
So what is going on? Does it really matter? Issues with my mom are coming up since I started this grief support group. Going is absolute hell and I hate it. We are halfway through but I am thinking of quitting. The grief of the people in my group is so fucking horrible. There are people who have lost loved ones through the most tragic of consequences and all that happened to me is that my mom died. And considering how fucking horrible it is I don't know if going to this group is going to do what it is supposed to and that is to help me heal. My mom was a beautiful person. We had our times where we did not agree and in no way am I holding her up to be a better person than she was but she really was my hero. And she is dead. Dead. She has been dead for well over a year now. I keep her memories close to me but I don't feel her close. Or maybe I do. I don't know. Maybe she is just dead. No afterlife. No heaven. No reincarnation Just dead and gone forever. And that is what is going to happen to all of us. There are no miracles.
My defenses are down and my husband and I are arguing. The last day or two I am considering leaving. Things with him are tolerable most days but when they are not, they are so fucking bad. If I left him today he would not shed a tear. He would sell this house in a heartbeat. I wish I could describe how he is. He loves me in his own way but if I left he would be just fine. At night he won't even give me a kiss unless I ask. He just rolls over and goes to sleep. Last week I timidly came to him and asked him why he can go out to dinner or for a drink with friends or even by himself but he doesn't take me out. You know what his response was? He said he is taking me out this week for my birthday. WTF? It has to be a special occasion to take me out? I ask him all the time if he wants to go out and I will pay for it. Nope. He just says that he will pass. And I am left feeling like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is. (The witty Birdie you see here is only a small part of me!) Maybe I just saw my mom and dad's marriage which was so full of love and giving that my ideals are warped. Maybe I need to lower the bar. Maybe I am just too sensitive. I have so many issues and need to be validated. Being way too emotional does not help this relationship. I need to quit being so needy and be less of a pain in the ass. It would be good for me to detach and not expect so much.
To add to all this, my kids dad has not paid child support for 4 months now. Taking him to court is not an option because he works for himself and gets paid under the table. He is in contracting and just keeps saying he isn't working right now. He had been paying the same amount of child support for 12 years now. $250.00 a month. That is $125.00 a month per child. When I have approached him on actually paying more he pulls the "I am not working right now" routine. Then his wife gets involved and says she is going to take me to court. (For what I do not know.) So, because I am a weak woman I don't bother to do anything about it. The stress of it all is simply not worth it.
Then, the straw that breaks the camels back. My son. My highly sensitive son who has never said a mean word about anyone. The boy that hugs me in front of his friends. The tall young man that is adored by his teachers because he is so gentle and kind to everyone. Last week he had to go on medication for anxiety. Because this shit is passed down. And it is my fucking fault because I have not been able to raise him to not give a shit. I have not raised him to be strong. How is it that it that I was handed a beautiful baby and now I have managed to allow this demon to take over his life?
16 comments:
My dear Birdie.
When I read your blog I feel as if I am looking into a mirror, except I never had the perfect parent's marriage to look back on, I just know I fuck up constantly.
I am so down at the moment too, getting over bronchitis and nursing a man who has an incurable cancer who had the same bug, but refuses to eat for a week now as he feels sick. He doesn't seem to care he might die.
You didn't mess up with your son, I didn't mess up with my daughter. We have to keep telling ourselves these truths. We are good people. WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
Love Lorna x x x
I think you need to take the black dog and whip him into shape. First and foremost, the fact that your son is taking meds is not your fault. That is, he isn't weak because you taught him to be. I know because I am on those meds and so is my son and my daughter. But it's genetic. It's a chemical thing. Period. And at least he's getting help.
Also, your husband needs to be asked more and more for kisses and hugs. He can be told by you what you need. And you can model to him how to do it. My bf says he's not into the romantic stuff. I tell him what I need in the way of hugs, etc. And I do it a lot. He doesn't read my mind well and I don't feel worse for having to tell him. It gets my need met. Give your husband goodnight kisses. He might learn to like it. As for the support, I wonder if the guy is not eating. He must be living on something. What a jerk.
My mom and I were not close. She has been gone since 1988. I felt guilty when she died and I wasn't with her. But there are things I can't change. I deal. The hard part for me is now being the older generation and my children and grandchildren facing the things that threw me. And when I'm gone, they will have known I love them. That's all I can do.
I wish you the best.
Hey, I'm sorry it's so much at once - I live with anxiety and depression, too. Please be kind to yourself, and don't think you should have or could have done anything differently with your son. It's like blaming yourself for the color of his eyes.
And I doubt your husband would "not care" if you left - he loves you, he married you. He just needs to be a bit more sensitive. Mr. RK and I have had communication ups and downs and it became easier for me when I realized he didn't always mean things the way I heard them, and vice versa...
Grief sucks, no question. Time makes it easier, but frankly it doesn't matter that you didn't lose your mom in a "horrible" way - you still lost her, and you loved her. Give yourself time to grieve and if the group sucks, think about going to an individual counselor.
Sorry, not trying to sound like Ann Landers. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Maybe it's not how you raised your son, maybe it's just how his brain is wired. And your husband is being a dick.
I used to live with a crazy man, he convinced me I was crazy, until I left and then I realized it wasn't me. Sending hugs.
Did your husband get into the habit of leaving you behind whilst you were caring for your Mom?
It sounds as though something needs to change. I'm not good at this myself so I can't offer any advice.
I do believe I'd rather have a son who was too sensitive, than one who was not at all.
Birdie...I understand...believe me...
I have days like this...
Had one today...
Want my kids to get along...
Want my boyfriend to worship me...
Want to be young and beautiful...
Want to see, hug, kiss,love Vivian..
Now...
That i can make come true...
And I hold onto that thought Every f***ing day....
There...
Do we both feel better yet???
I thought so...
Take care dear Birdie...
I like you a lot...
Cheers!
Linda :o)
I'm not going to offer advice because you are in no state to make decisions right now. Have you read Shoot the Damn Dog? It worked wonders for me last year. I will say that depression rins in families so don't blame yourself if your son has it too. You wouldn't beat yourself up if he inherited blond hair from you and there's no difference to how it happens. Take care and try to take it easy. You are not a bad person in spite of what that black dog is telling you.
I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with everything. Worries about our children just flatten us hey? I always say I can deal with anything as long as my son is ok. Sounds like your son is a lovely soul, but I'm sorry he is suffering from anxiety at the moment. No good saying not to blame yourself, I know, but I'll say it anyway. Also the grief support group sounds like a challenge - no wonder you are feeling low. Take care of yourself please and remember that you are not alone. xx
Birdie...I have read this several times before I commented and still don't know what to say. On the one hand I want to say it will all work out and on the other I know it won't until you really deal with everything. How you deal with everything I don't know but one place to start is reading The Power of Now by Echart Tolle. And I going to say something that is going to sound not good...your husband is not going to change and you don't need another child to take care of. And grief counceling is supposed to make you feel better ...not worse.
Get your son to download some meditation and relaxation apps and listen to them at bedtime. It helps me.
The husband? Well. The only thing you can control is you. If you want to go out? Go out. If he doesn't want to join you, his loss. Go out anyway. Once he knows you mean business, he'll probably smarten up. If he doesn't, again, it's his loss. You only get one life!
Stick with the counselling. Maybe all you're supposed to get out of it is that you have more coping skills than you know/than others in the group. And keep writing about your feelings. It's the best thing for you because look how many people are behind you/having similar experiences?! All of us! :)
Have a better day.
Birdie, I once read that as long as someone loves you and as long as they have you in their hearts; you are still alive and you are eternal!
Only you can decide what to do with your life.Passing on body shapes, moods and illness is part of sharind DNA. We all do it!
Don't be so hard on yourself and take care of yourself the way that only you can!
Besos,
You're a sweet, funny, loving, caring woman and you will get thru all of this.... one day at a time and one issue at a time.
I actually had a bunch of opinions typed out and then my computer went glitchy so rather than start again, I'll just take that as a hint that you don't need extra opinions. You have many nice friends here who care about you and have given love, support and advice.
Give yourself time to think about everything going on lately, the answers will come.
{{{HUGS}}}
Would you be beating yourself up if you had passed on bad eye sight, or diabetes, or a crooked toe? Anxiety runs in my family, my son, my mother, and a sister all have had problems with it and all that can be done is medication and a bit of professional help in coping. I'm glad it skipped me, but I see where I passed on the gene.
This is going to sound silly, but have you read those Harry Potter books? J K Rowling struggled with the death and subsequent grief of the death of her mother in those books. The Mirror of Erised chapter, the scene with Dumbledore in book 7 where he and Harry meet and discussed death. Those books have given me a lot of strength and escape when times were bad. Yesterday I chanted Expecto Patronum to myself when waiting for some bad news. Yeah I'm off kilter, but whatever works right? Dumbledore once said, "To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."
Your mother loves you. She doesn't want you to harm yourself with put downs. She want's you to enjoy this adventure and wants you to know that you deserve love and wants you to start with yourself. Kiss your children goodnight. Take your children out to eat if DH won't. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and it's there surrounding you. The love of a child, the love of a friend, the love that the lady at the bank shares when she genuinely wishes you a good day; it's all there. You'd be surprised how much love people have to share, it's just sometimes we just don't realize it. God bless. : )
I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time...I miss my mom but I see 'her' in me now, so I feel she is still with me. Marriage is so hard to make it through these 'what am I here for' kind of times. I hope your son gets better too
Sweet and sturdy Birdie... first, although the Black Dog is dogging you right now, I know you know ways to put him off your trail.
You've received a lot of advice and sympathy and good kind words here, so you can rely on them to support you.
But I'm going to suggest something very different. What if you were the one who is responsible for how your husband is acting? What if he is being a mirror of how you are caring for yourself? What if you decide to show him you are being responsible for the love in the relationship by simply not waiting for the kiss, the hug, the invitation? This is coming from a book called "Calling In The One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas and asks us to stop being the victim and take responsibility for our lives and the old tapes that have been running in the background: "I'm not __________ (good, pretty, thin, intelligent, etc) enough and through which we view the world as it appears to be happening TO us, when in reality it is happening THROUGH us. Just some thoughts, intending to help guide you so the Black Dog loses the scent... many hugs, pal-o!
#1: As you have told me on many an occasion: men are assholes. And we are worth more and deserve more, and should demand more. And those that are worth it always come through. My mother has many times told me she was "blessed" to find my father so I too compare my relationship to theirs but with my adult eyes, I know it can't have been as perfect as it seemed and they suffered through their own trials as well.
#2 Although anxiety may be hereditary, you cannot blame yourself for your son's anxieties. Today is a much different world than the world we grew up in and instead, you should be praising yourself that you did raise such a loving, sensitive, caring soul. The world is cruel and he is entering the dreaded teenaged years where you are naturally filled with anxiety and depression. Celebrate the fact that you have given him a strong foundation, and continue to be his support system.
#3 Your grief is no less valid just because others in your group may have lost their loved ones in more traumatic ways. However, if your group is not helping, then by all means, you do need to find other outlets in which to express your own hurt and loss. You need to find another support system. It should not be a torture to go.
#4 There is an afterlife. There has to be. Otherwise, what's the point? After I lost my grandmother and father, I actually talked to a psychic (yes, I am one of those people), and he told me that whenever I saw a penny, I needed to pick it up because that's what my grandmother left for me as a sign she was still there. And my father: he left me rainbows. Not two hours after I saw this psychic, I passed by a "Laughing Rainbows Utility Truck" on my way home and found about five pennies by the driver's door of my car. This was years ago, and even if it was bullshit, I still pick up pennies...and it does give me comfort that I live at the intersection of a Rainbow Drive.
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