|He is Back|
So what is going on? Does it really matter? Issues with my mom are coming up since I started this grief support group. Going is absolute hell and I hate it. We are halfway through but I am thinking of quitting. The grief of the people in my group is so fucking horrible. There are people who have lost loved ones through the most tragic of consequences and all that happened to me is that my mom died. And considering how fucking horrible it is I don't know if going to this group is going to do what it is supposed to and that is to help me heal. My mom was a beautiful person. We had our times where we did not agree and in no way am I holding her up to be a better person than she was but she really was my hero. And she is dead. Dead. She has been dead for well over a year now. I keep her memories close to me but I don't feel her close. Or maybe I do. I don't know. Maybe she is just dead. No afterlife. No heaven. No reincarnation Just dead and gone forever. And that is what is going to happen to all of us. There are no miracles.
My defenses are down and my husband and I are arguing. The last day or two I am considering leaving. Things with him are tolerable most days but when they are not, they are so fucking bad. If I left him today he would not shed a tear. He would sell this house in a heartbeat. I wish I could describe how he is. He loves me in his own way but if I left he would be just fine. At night he won't even give me a kiss unless I ask. He just rolls over and goes to sleep. Last week I timidly came to him and asked him why he can go out to dinner or for a drink with friends or even by himself but he doesn't take me out. You know what his response was? He said he is taking me out this week for my birthday. WTF? It has to be a special occasion to take me out? I ask him all the time if he wants to go out and I will pay for it. Nope. He just says that he will pass. And I am left feeling like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is. (The witty Birdie you see here is only a small part of me!) Maybe I just saw my mom and dad's marriage which was so full of love and giving that my ideals are warped. Maybe I need to lower the bar. Maybe I am just too sensitive. I have so many issues and need to be validated. Being way too emotional does not help this relationship. I need to quit being so needy and be less of a pain in the ass. It would be good for me to detach and not expect so much.
To add to all this, my kids dad has not paid child support for 4 months now. Taking him to court is not an option because he works for himself and gets paid under the table. He is in contracting and just keeps saying he isn't working right now. He had been paying the same amount of child support for 12 years now. $250.00 a month. That is $125.00 a month per child. When I have approached him on actually paying more he pulls the "I am not working right now" routine. Then his wife gets involved and says she is going to take me to court. (For what I do not know.) So, because I am a weak woman I don't bother to do anything about it. The stress of it all is simply not worth it.
Then, the straw that breaks the camels back. My son. My highly sensitive son who has never said a mean word about anyone. The boy that hugs me in front of his friends. The tall young man that is adored by his teachers because he is so gentle and kind to everyone. Last week he had to go on medication for anxiety. Because this shit is passed down. And it is my fucking fault because I have not been able to raise him to not give a shit. I have not raised him to be strong. How is it that it that I was handed a beautiful baby and now I have managed to allow this demon to take over his life?
Anyway, I need to sit and think and just relax. I will feel better soon, I always do. I just need to "defrag".