I Hate Going to the Dentist

The weather here is finally getting warm enough to actually go outside and do things.  And yet, I am sitting here with my laptop and not outside.  Granted it is Monday and I am always extra tired on Monday.  I have been trying to catch-up on the blog posts I have missed and I keep thinking I should be outside.  And yet, I love my blogging community.  You know more about me than most.  If I was outside I would be thinking I should be inside reading blogs.
We have new neighbours moving in today.  My street has consisted primarily of elderly folks who are being forced to sell their homes and move.  Two more homes are going to be put up for sale in the next couple of weeks.  Changes.  Always changes.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon.  I hate going to the dentist.  Hate.  It is only for a cleaning but I get so stressed with going I always end up getting a headache and feeling like I am going to throw up.  In the past I have taken very good care of my teeth (flossing, water-pic. brushing with an electric toothbrush, brushing my tongue) but since my mom died I am lucky if I brush twice a day.  I am sure my dentist is going to notice, damn it. 

Little Boxes

I first heard this song when I was about 17 and it changed my life.  Has anyone heard it before?  I am willing to bet Ms. Moon has.  Who else?  





Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university,
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.
And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

Poem in Your Pocket

http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/406

I am a day late for Poem in Your Pocket but this is my favourite poem.  This poem takes my breath away.  

“with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is” 

― W.S. Merwin

Unrestrained Rage

I try so hard.  I really do.  I have tried many times over the years and it is always the same result.  I get so pissed off I want to rip someone'e head off their body. What is it that does this?  Crafts.  Crafty crafts.  I see an idea in a magazine or in a book and I think to myself, I can do that!  Off I go to gather my supplies.  In this case some spoons and wire.  The idea is to bend the spoons and hang them from wire.  It gets hung outside and when it rains the water puddles in each spoon making a rain chain.  For everyone else this is an easy thing to do.  Not so for me.  I won't even go into how long it took me to put some spoons and wire together but if I was a mutant like the Incredible Hulk I would have ended up throwing something like a car.  I finally finished the piece of crap  rain chain and hung it outside where it proceeded to fall apart immediately. After about 10 minutes I got it hung up.  I hate it.  It looks nothing like the picture in the magazine. Instead it is all crooked. The first rain will cause it to fall apart. (And no I am not going to take a picture of it.  It equates on the embarrassing scale with the picture of me in the hot tub.)  My question is why can't I do crafts?  I imagine myself quitting my job and making rain chains full time and selling them on Etsy.  The world will be amazed at my talent and B@rbara Walters will want to interview me and I will become very wealthy.  Ok, not that extreme but surely you get my point.  Very least I will make a rain chain that will be the envy of my next door neighbours.  They will ask me to make them one and I will happily oblige.  I would not even charge them but I will do it because I am good at making rain chains. 
At this point I am sure all you crafty people have already stopped reading and are already going through your kitchen drawers to make your own rain chain.  You may even write a post on it  but block me to prevent me further rain chain shame. 
So that is it.  No more crafts. I am sticking to buying things from the really truly crafty people in the world.

On another note, I took a bunch of my costume jewellery necklaces that I have never worn and hung them from trees in my yard.  I think it makes the trees happy. 

Stuff

I am not sure what is going on with my hair in this picture but here I am in my not tub.  Let's just say that you can be glad there are bubbles or it would be like the Crying Game.  As you can see it is a small hot tub because somewhere along the line I having become greedy and don't want to share.  In all honesty though, I did not even have a bedroom to myself when I was a single mom.  I have not had a space to call my own since I was 19.  So this is my little oasis.  And I do share.  But when I am in it my kids are not allowed.  (Knowing me and my mother guilt this will last about a week.)

Here is what I did today.  I planted 6 pots of assorted lettuce and a mixed pot of oregano and cilantro and a pot of chives.  I have to keep them on the deck or the deer will eat them.  It will be hard enough making sure my 16-year old son doesn't eat it all when we sleep. 

I don't know why but my computer has been running very slow the last 2 days so I am going to end this post now.  

Why Would Anyone Want to Run?

I just got home from work and there must be a marathon going on because people are running by my house.  Why in god's name would anyone want to run for the hell of it?  I checked our local newspaper and appears these people are just running to compete.  Whaaaaaaaat?  Whyyyyyyyy?  They are all super fit. I bet none of them ever eat bacon for breakfast.  I bet none of them have bags of potato chips in the cupboards.  It is 9:00 in the freaking morning!  Are these people insane?  Seriously.  WTF?  Maybe I should go yell at them. "Hey stupid-head!  What the hell is wrong with you?  Who gets up on a weekend to run?" Am I jealous?  Not really.  I simply do not get running.  Swimming on the other hand, I love!  It impossible to fall on gravel and skin your knees while swimming.  
It seems the new medication I am on is working.  I don't feel like killing myself.  I say that in all seriousness. Things were getting pretty desperate there for a few weeks.  I am still very tired all of the time but I am hoping when I get the CPAP machine that will clear up.  Maybe then I will be able to lose this 25 pounds I am carrying around.  
And I will thank you not to mention the correlation between those people running and the fact that I am fat.  Don't. Just don't. 

It's Like Sweden!

Eeee!  I am so excited! My hot tub came today.  I just  have to have the deck reinforced and the electrical hooked up then it will be good to go.  You might never hear from me again as I just may relax into nothingness.  I may just reach Nirvana.  
Until then I have to live a normal life. Today I pulled 4 buckets of dandelions, bleached down my sun deck and rearranged my bedroom.  I didn't intend to rearrange my bedroom but I knocked over a lamp and the bulb shattered.  I figured since I had to pull out everything to clean up the glass I might as well move all the furniture around.  So I did.
My evil inside Canadian is coming out.  It is the damn playoffs.  I really hate hockey. (Elizabeth, there is one for you.  I hate hockey.) I am glad nobody I know personally reads this blog as hating hockey is equal with treason in Canada.  Actually, that reminds me, I need to write a blog post on all the black marks of Canadian history.  Did you know Canada put Japanese Canadians in internment camps in World War 2?  Did you know Canada allowed orphans to be taken from other countries to basically be sold into slavery?  Did you know Canada executed their own soldiers for desertion?  We did.  We did many awful things.  I will post on them one day.
OK. Modern Family is on.  Bye!

Bird Brain

The Robins keep flying at my front room window over and over again.  If it is anything like walking into a window, which I have done, I wonder why they keep doing it.  I finally stuck a bunch of Post-it notes to the window.  It worked and it really spruces up the place!  

Not Brave

I thank you for all your kind comments on my last post.  But here is the secret.  I was not brave.  I was just tired of living judgment.  I was ashamed and tired of who I had become.    I just had to do what was right. Granted, I had to walk away from every single person in my support system.  It was a terribly lonely time.  People I knew well, people who were my "friends" would walk by me as if I did not exist.  But I was not brave.   Kenn is brave.  He is living a truth and always has.  

Anyway...

It is my day off and I really, really wanted to work in my garden today but it is cold and raining.  But SPRING has arrived (finally!) where I live.  The daffodils are shouting out in yellow.  The trees are uncurling their leaves. It smells like Spring!  When that happens there is no turning back.  My heart is excited!  I guess I will just have to watch Spring from my window today.  That is OK because I have about 372 loads of laundry and the bathrooms need to be cleaned and I should vacuum. Maybe I will make a nice dinner tonight. 

Oh!  I got my Ahh Bras the other day.  I actually find them really comfortable.  However, I am a B cup, maybe a C but anyone with a bigger cup than a small C cup would probably not like the Ahh Bra.  They don't have a lot of support.  It is a very comfortable bra, you could sleep in it.  I don't hate it!  It does roll and shift even though it claims not to but not as often as other bras.  I would like to see this bra have thicker fabric as it is cold here in Canada!  ha!

Update - When I first purchased the Ahh! Bra and tried it on I was somewhat impressed.  I am a B cup normally and thought the bra offered enough support.  As time has gone on I am less and less impressed.  Though the bra claims to never lose its shape but I am having doubts.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and was horrified!  My breasts had no support and I looked terrible.  My breasts were hanging down near my middle. I am constantly pulling at the bra to give myself a lift.  Another problem is they are thin and my nipples are always showing so I have to put a jacket or sweater on.  These bras are not worth the money.  Pass!

Last week I went to my doctor regarding how horrible I have been feeling.  I was told that my anxiety/depression is likely going to be life-long.  I do not know if I am ready to accept that.  It is a frustrating as I have always been so proactive.  Meditation, yoga, journaling/blogging, counselling and reading everything I can get my hands on.  The thing is I can go for months or years and feel OK.  Maybe I should give a time limit on this whole thing.  I was really looking at getting off medication all together so I feel quite defeated that it may not be an option, ever.

Well, the laundry is calling.

Later that day...
Friko  suggested in her post today to write a done list each day.  So this is what I have done.
Took my kids to school, made dentists appointments, spoke to my doctor, tidied a bunch of papers, swept the mudroom floor, cleaned one of the bathrooms, vacuumed (why is spell-check showing that I spelled that wrong?), loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, took out the garbage and did three loads of laundry.  I also mowed the front lawn, pulled up about 75 feet of rotting watering hose from the gardens and dead-headed the dandelions. (Sorry dandelions, I happen to like your sunshiney heads but apparently you are an eye-sore.)
I have three more loads of laundry and I still need to go to my counselling appointment, pick my kids up at school, get groceries, pick up a prescription, take my daughter to dancing/pick her up, make final payment on my hot tub and make dinner. It has stopped raining so maybe I will get into my garden after all. Oh, in addition I went grocery shopping and cleaned the basement suite livingroom and kitchen. 

I think I deserve a good sleep tonight!

How Blogging Changed My Life

(for Kenn) 

I am having a problem starting this post because if I wrote down everything it would go on for pages and pages.  However, in order for the story to make any sense I do have to start at the beginning.

I was raised by my mom and my (step) dad who were both very accepting of everyone no matter what.  Both of them were blue-collar workers and lived their entire life based on acceptance of all.  They lived, worked and voted their beliefs.  I never heard a derogatory comment come out of their mouths.  I never heard a racial slur or an insult based on mental or physical capabilities, religion or sexual orientation. Even my biological father, who I rarely saw was a man of strong values when it came to acceptance.  He was a Union representative and stood up for those who were discriminated.  Back in the 70’s and 80’s the majority of people in the working force that dealt with discrimination were either uneducated or “non-Caucasian”.  My biological father fought for all of them.  He did not back down.  Even though my biological father was an abusive husband and father he had good qualities.  I believe my outspokenness, my spirit of fighting for what is right and standing up for people who can`t stand up for themselves came from him. 

So, what the hell happened to me?  I don’t know.  I really don’t.  I started going to church when I was 16.  I went on my own and my family did not attend. It became my entire life.  (Even as I write this I feel so much shame.)  I basically turned my back on the way I was raised.  I started believing that people who did not believe the same religious beliefs as I did were “doomed to hell”.  I started believing that homosexuality was a sin and homosexuals chose to be gay.  I believed God did not hate them but God hated their choices.

(I am having a lot of trouble writing this.  I feel humiliated but I have to tell this story.)

I went to church and believed these beliefs (among many others) for about 12 years.  Then 9/11 happened.  I got very depressed.  I could not understand how something so awful could happen.  If I voiced my questions of God’s place in such devastation in church I was told not to question God.  But I did.  My outspokenness started getting me in trouble.  From there, I stated questioning everything.  Why did God allow poverty, mental illness, physical disabilities?  Why did God allow the Holocaust?  Why did God allow small children to be sold into the sex trade?  Of course, nobody had answers that satisfied.  I was simply told that the world was a sinful place and all the bad things were as a result of sin.  I could accept some things being a result of sin.  I could not accept things like during the Holocaust babies were thrown into the air and used as target practice.  I could not accept babies and small children being sodomized.  I could not accept all the atrocities. 

Over a period of a year or two my faith plummeted.  I prayed daily for answers.  I read the Bible and looked for answers.  I found no answers.  I became very depressed.  In that time my evangelical husband offered no support.  He and I started going completely opposite directions.  During this time our marriage ended.  (There were many issues outside what I was going through spiritually.)

So, here I was single and on my own.  My church friends never called me when I separated from my husband.  I stopped attending church as I found no comfort.  I left church each Sunday feeling worse than when I arrived.  I would drive home and cry.  I prayed.  God was so far away.  Or was God even there in the first place?

It was during this time I started blogging.  I read many, many blogs during this time.  One day I came across the blog of a man that had H.I.V.  His partner had died and he was living with the disease.  I started reading his posts but did not comment. I also started reading blogs of others in his community.  And I saw something I had never considered.  His hopes and dreams were just like mine.  His love for his mom and dad was just like mine.  He grieved the loss of his partner.  He spoke openly about everything.  For the first time I started seeing a man and not a homosexual.  I eventually started commenting on his posts.  Very few of his posts had anything to do with being gay.  It was seldom mentioned.  He spoke about visiting his mom.  He took pictures and talked about travelling. He told stories about his cat and his church. He spoke a lot about living with H.I.V.  And I finally got it.  He did not “choose” to be gay.  It was who he was.  I eventually “came out of the closet” with him and told him what I had believed and apologized to him even though he never knew when I first started reading his blog that I was reading it in judgement.  I asked for forgiveness.  He was deeply touched but one of the surprising things was one of his friends read my comment and it brought her to tears.  She was a lesbian and had been persecuted ever since she came out of the closet and nobody had ever apologized to her. 

It took me about 15 years to come full circle.  From a loving and accepting family I became a judgemental, self-righteous hypocrite.  During this time I also asked forgiveness from my family for turning my back on how I was raised.  The amazing thing is everyone accepted my apology and never brought it up again.

It has been a long journey.  I no longer go to church as I still find no comfort.  My faith is what it is.  I have more questions than ever but I do still believe in God.  I am at a place where I have no answers to the problems in the world.  Perhaps I never will.  The difference now is I have so much love.  I never would have got to this place if it were not for blogging.  Blogging opened up my eyes to how other people live (not just homosexuals).  Blogging has also showed me that people of faiths vastly different than mine were amazing people.  Blogging has shown me that there is a huge world out there.  I love that.  
If you want to meet the man behind the blog that changed my life I have been given permission to give his address.  So go say hello.  He is awesome.    http://myjourneywithaids.wordpress.com/

More Evidence. UB is the DEVIL!

He outdid himself tonight.  The Ungrateful Bastard (Norbert) is indeed the devil.  Here is what happened.
I just woke up because I am working the night shift tonight.  As usual Norbert is crying and yowling to be let outside.  He is not allowed out after dark because he has no life skills .  I called him and he came and sat on the arm of the couch for a few minutes.  I petted him then off he went.  A minute later I saw that he had left behind some cat fur so I brushed it away.  I forgot about it and went on with reading.  I then went to scratch my face and there was this awful smell on my hand.  It wasn't fur it was cat shit.  I started dry-heaving and ran to the bathroom.  It was a good thing my stomach was empty because it was gross and disgusting.  Is there any doubt my cat is a spawn of the devil?  I probably have Trichotillomania now.  Or Toxoplasmosis.  


Anyway...
I went to see my doctor today and was put on a new medication because the one I am on is clearly not working.  I explained that I am doing everything right.  I meditate, go to Reiki, do yoga, journal and I am seeking a counsellor.  And yet, I cry everyday, sometimes for hours.  This is not just grief anymore.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.   


OK, I have to go to work.  I don't have time to proofread this so I hope it makes sense. 

Is English Ivy Invasive in England?

Seriously, is it?  Because it is here and it is all over our yard.  It is killing everything.  Today I ripped a huge bunch of it out and it is not even a drop in the bucket of how much needs to be still ripped out.  I also had to cut down a tree because the ivy killed it.  My tree-hugging heart was sad.
  
Anyway, I also cut the lawn and hung a bird house.  I put some dryer lint in the bird house.  Does anyone know if that is a good or bad idea?  I thought the birds might like it but now I am wondering if it will make them stay away because it smells like a human.  If you know, let me know!
  
I didn't do much for Good Friday/Easter.  I worked which was OK because it is a stat.  I got up yesterday at 4:00 and went out for dinner at my biological father's and his wife's home.   felt bad because I yawned my way through the entire meal.  To guess what it is like I can only say it is like getting up at four in the morning and going out. 


Nothing else going on.  I need a nap.  

200 Posts and the Letter T

This is my 200th post.  Whoppee!  Ok, celebration over.  I am more excited that my letter T arrived!  Norbert ripped it off (on purpose) a few days after I got my laptop.  All that was left was the nubbin.  I didn't know you could replace keys. 

Not much else going on in the world of B@rbara.  I bought a bird house today.  Oh yes, I did.  Last night I had my sleep study but I have to wait another month before I get the results.  Ag!  This has been going on for a year now.  I used the CPAP machine and other than the tech waking me up I slept OK.  I just want this to be done. I am tired of being tired.  I am very, very happy that I now have benefits through my work and it will be totally paid for.  Yay!  OK, I am off to bed, I work tonight.  Watch the video.  It is great!  

I am looking out my window and the JW's are coming. 
 EVERYONE HIDE!


Several hours later...


That was really close.  They came to both my neighbours and then left.  I did tell them several months ago to never come back.  I was very nice about it but I told them that I had grown up with many Jehovah's Witnesses and not one of them had stayed with the church.  They all told me stories of physical abuse of women and children.  They all told me stories of having no life and being forced to attend church every single day. If you leave the church you are ostracised by your family and friends.  One of my closest friends (I have known her since I was 5) is in therapy to deal with all the crap.  Anyway, I told the JW's to never come back because I would never become a JW.  I told them that their translation of the bible says in John 13: 34 - 35,


34 I am giving YOU a new commandment, that YOU love one another; just as I have loved YOU, that YOU also love one another. 35 By this all will know that YOU are my disciples, if YOU have love among yourselves.”  (NWT) 


Clearly they don't have love one another.  Anyway, this was not supposed to be a tirade against JW's...


I am going to the sleep clinic tonight.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will finally have some answers.  

Some days I have so much I want to post about but I don't have the time or energy.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a post where I just talk.  (By the way, I can talk the hind leg off a horse.)  


I had a long talk with my fiancé on the weekend.  If you have been reading my posts you will know things have been pretty bad.  I explained to him that for our entire relationship I have been the "strong one".  I have been the one that had worked on our relationship.  When we had an argument I was always the one to make sure we worked it out.  I was the one who asked for forgiveness first, made amends, kissed and made up.  Not that he has not tried but I have been the reason this relationship works.  I think a lot of women are the strong ones in relationships.  Since my mom died I have not had the energy to try.  My grief has consumed me and it has been an effort to get up in the morning, never mind caring for my children, going to work and carrying on with every day activities. Since she died,  I have not been able to be the strong one.  I told him on Sunday that I was done.  I have been making sure this relationship was functional for 5 years. It is not a case of not wanting to give, I am simply tired and empty.  I told him I was done and if he wanted this relationship he was going to have to show me that I was important to him.  He needs to be the strong one for awhile.  Anyway, he seemed to listen and he seemed to hear what I was saying.  The last few days things have been OK.  I hope it continues.


I know I am "too young" but I really believe I am in peri-menopause.  At night I am having hot flashes and my periods are way lighter than they ever have been. I have problems with holding my urine and I find that I am irritable.  My nana had her last period when she was 36 so early menopause is not unusual in my family.  My doctor said that it is normal for women to go through a time between 35 and 42 with peri-menopause type symptoms then things go back to normal again for about 10 years until you enter menopause.  I would love to hear what anyone has to say on the subject.


OK, that is it.  We are having hot dogs for dinner.  Yummy!

I am finding that the day after I work nights I am so tired.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep.  Maybe I will.


Right now I am watching a bird fly over and over at my front room window.  I wonder if there used to be a nest above the window.  I hope she doesn't hurt herself.  Maybe I should go buy some bird houses.  OK, I just closed the curtain a little and she seems to have stopped.


Last night I went out for sushi with some friends from work.  It was fun!  I don't have fun often enough these days. This week I finally get to go back to the sleep clinic and see if a CPAP machine will work.  I sure hope it does.  I am so tired of being tired.  I am still trying to figure out why the doctor thinks I need one.  I am about 20 pounds overweight but I have been tired since I was about 20 and I was tiny back then.  In fact, the tech at the clinic said I was very small compared to most of the patients that he sees.  Anyway,  I don't know.  All I know for sure is the doctor said I wake up on average every 45 seconds and my legs move a lot (it is not "restless legs syndrome).  If you know anything about these machines let me know.


OK, I am going back to bed to read my book and maybe have a delicious nap!