I thank you for all your kind comments on my last post. But here is the secret. I was not brave. I was just tired of living judgment. I was ashamed and tired of who I had become. I just had to do what was right. Granted, I had to walk away from every single person in my support system. It was a terribly lonely time. People I knew well, people who were my "friends" would walk by me as if I did not exist. But I was not brave. Kenn is brave. He is living a truth and always has.
Anyway...
It is my day off and I really, really wanted to work in my garden today but it is cold and raining. But SPRING has arrived (finally!) where I live. The daffodils are shouting out in yellow. The trees are uncurling their leaves. It smells like Spring! When that happens there is no turning back. My heart is excited! I guess I will just have to watch Spring from my window today. That is OK because I have about 372 loads of laundry and the bathrooms need to be cleaned and I should vacuum. Maybe I will make a nice dinner tonight.
Oh! I got my Ahh Bras the other day. I actually find them really comfortable. However, I am a B cup, maybe a C but anyone with a bigger cup than a small C cup would probably not like the Ahh Bra. They don't have a lot of support. It is a very comfortable bra, you could sleep in it. I don't hate it! It does roll and shift even though it claims not to but not as often as other bras. I would like to see this bra have thicker fabric as it is cold here in Canada! ha!
Update - When I first purchased the Ahh! Bra and tried it on I was somewhat impressed. I am a B cup normally and thought the bra offered enough support. As time has gone on I am less and less impressed. Though the bra claims to never lose its shape but I am having doubts. The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and was horrified! My breasts had no support and I looked terrible. My breasts were hanging down near my middle. I am constantly pulling at the bra to give myself a lift. Another problem is they are thin and my nipples are always showing so I have to put a jacket or sweater on. These bras are not worth the money. Pass!
Last week I went to my doctor regarding how horrible I have been feeling. I was told that my anxiety/depression is likely going to be life-long. I do not know if I am ready to accept that. It is a frustrating as I have always been so proactive. Meditation, yoga, journaling/blogging, counselling and reading everything I can get my hands on. The thing is I can go for months or years and feel OK. Maybe I should give a time limit on this whole thing. I was really looking at getting off medication all together so I feel quite defeated that it may not be an option, ever.
Well, the laundry is calling.
Later that day...
Friko suggested in her post today to write a done list each day. So this is what I have done.
Took my kids to school, made dentists appointments, spoke to my doctor, tidied a bunch of papers, swept the mudroom floor, cleaned one of the bathrooms, vacuumed (why is spell-check showing that I spelled that wrong?), loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, took out the garbage and did three loads of laundry. I also mowed the front lawn, pulled up about 75 feet of rotting watering hose from the gardens and dead-headed the dandelions. (Sorry dandelions, I happen to like your sunshiney heads but apparently you are an eye-sore.)
I have three more loads of laundry and I still need to go to my counselling appointment, pick my kids up at school, get groceries, pick up a prescription, take my daughter to dancing/pick her up, make final payment on my hot tub and make dinner. It has stopped raining so maybe I will get into my garden after all. Oh, in addition I went grocery shopping and cleaned the basement suite livingroom and kitchen.
I think I deserve a good sleep tonight!
I think that my hormone levels affected me more than I knew. Since my nurse practitioner put me on some biodentical (or something like that) hormones, life has been better and I am less anxious and depressed. Not cured, mind you, but much better. I think that hormones have more to do with our emotions than we even imagine. Could you go see someone who may be a practitioner in this field?
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to add Gardening to your list of health-giving activities. It's got me through all sorts of depressive episodes in my life. Working with the Earth, as you know, is incredibly healing.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time.....
:)
That is a truly impressive 'done' list. When I make up my 'to do' lists I always include at least one easy task that I know I can complete as crossing an item off can give me the impetus to move on to another tast.
ReplyDeleteAnd the garden, regardless of the work that needs doing, is always a gift. A life affirming gift. With serenity attached.
I've been on anti-depressants for nineteen years now, ever since Katie was a year old. In the beginning I tried many different kinds of anti-depressants, most had too many side effects that I didn't like or wouldn't live with. I was also in the habit of feeling better and then going off my meds. The good feeling would last a few weeks and then I would slide down into a deep, black hole again. Finally my doctor said to stop doing that.
ReplyDeleteI look at my depression as a disease like diabetes. For some reason my brain either uses too much serotonin and norepinephrine or doesn't produce enough. So I take a medication to even things out. Until I die I guess but it works.
I'm rambling. Enjoy your flowers. We got another snowstorm on the weekend. Yay.
Get much rest. I haven't read your previous blog but will tonight or tomorrow. Take care of yourself. Sometimes things happen to us when we least expect them to and sometimes we have illnesses that just hang on to us even when we try to shake them off.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Lilith on this one. I always talk about depression as being like diabetes (I have both). Nobody judges you for having a pancreas that fails to produce enough insulin. Nobody tells you to 'snap out of' a diabetic incident. And the same should apply to the brain's inability to produce the correct hormones at the right times.
ReplyDeleteYou don't ever get a cure for depression - you just learn to manage it. And I'd say with that 'done' list that you're managing it pretty well right now.
WELL DONE!
Wow! you have done a bunch of work...makes me tired to read about it:) Try to rest after all this
ReplyDeleteI'm going to go take a nap now after reading this post.
ReplyDelete