Well, I am off work now after working 3 nights and I still feel like shit.  When I turn my head the world spins.  My throat is sore, I have a headache, my neck is all stiff and I have a low-grade fever. I am probably dying. Maybe from encephalitis.  Check out the symptoms. I would like to know how how anyone would know if I was suffering from altered consciousness?  My family would not know. And I am usually pretty fucking agitated. And confused? When am I not confused? 

Ok, I need some breakfast and sleep.  If I never post again you will know that God deaded me. 

I know I should be making some decisions for myself.  Good decisions. Eat well, exercise, go to the doctor and find out why I feel so tired all the time. (Actually, I am going next week.) All wonderful ideas but I am totally overwhelmed right now. The last few days I have felt like I am coming down with some sort of sickness but so far nothing has made itself known.  My son was sick and vomited yesterday. I am not eating much and have been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. What I really need to do is admit to myself that I am in (yet another) depression.  This whole debacle with my step-daughter has left me lifeless. It has thrown my whole theory about loving someone. What do I do with this new information?  It is not just loving my step-daughter.  There are other people in my life that I love and it makes not one bit of difference.  Isn't the greatest thing to love and be loved in return? Is it too much to be asked to be loved in return?  Evidently, it is too much to ask.

So as not to be a total drag I will tell you about this thing. It is called an Actifry. I bought one and I love it!  Never have I been one to buy small appliances.  But I read that this thing is like a deep fryer without the oil. A deep fryer!  OMG. I have wanted one for about 15 years now but never got one because I am fat enough. When I heard about the Actifry I read up in it and it has received the most excellent reviews. OK...I love this machine. So far, all I have made is french fries, yam fries and chicken wings. All have been delicious! I can now eat fries and not feel guilty or gain weight. So there is my product plug.  I am not getting a cent for saying this. 

Trying this post again...

I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?

When I first heard these lines I thought someone must have somehow got into my head. It came as a shock to know others feel this way. When I look around everyone seems to be "getting it" and are quite okay with the chaos in the world.

To me, it feel like we have been dropped off here and forgotten. We hear that there is a god that loves us but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel alone most of the time. My god does not give me direction or speak into my life. He is very, very, very quiet. So quiet that I doubt his/her existence.

I want a "buddy to be with to tell me where we is coming from and where we is going to and why". I am tired of people being ugly to each other and all the pain in the world. It is just too much for me. It is indeed, like pieces of glass in my head.

Can you understand? For some reason, I think you do. 

(And why can't I format this post!?)

 


I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain.I'm tired of never having a buddy to be with. To tell me where we's going to, coming from or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head, all the time. Can you understand? 



When I first heard these lines I thought someone must have somehow got into my head. It came as a shock to know others feel this way. When I look around everyone seems to be "getting it" and are quite okay with the chaos in the world. 


To me, it feel like we have been dropped off here and forgotten. We hear that there is a god that loves us but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel alone most of the time. My god does not give me direction or speak into my life. He is very, very, very quiet. So quiet that I doubt his/her existence.


I want a "buddy to be with to tell me where we is coming from and where we is going to and why". I am tired of people being ugly to each other and all the pain in the world. It is just too much for me. It is indeed, like pieces of glass in my head. 

Can you understand? For some reason, I think you do. 

(And why can't I format this post!?)

A little Grumpy Cat to make us smile.

It is one of those times where I am so drained that I have nothing to give to anyone.  As expected the birth of my new granddaughter has been disastrous.  My step-daughter has cut off all ties with her dad, her sister and me.  No reason.  That is just the type of person she is.  We are wondering if she is a psychopath.  I am not being facetious. There is something very wrong with her. 

Step-daughter # 2 showed up at our house last week. Her boyfriend beat the shit out of her. She stayed with us for a few days until she could get a bed at Haven.  Now that she is there she is not showing a lot of interest in finding herself a new place.  We are fairly certain she will be coming here when she leaves Haven. She also does not work, and did not graduate from high school.  She is 25. And the real kick in the ass? She had not called us in months. She needs us so that is why she called. 

Then, a few days ago our sewer backed up into our house.  Fuck!  

My son is suffering from severe anxiety.  My debt hangs over me and makes it hard to breathe. I am making major decisions regarding my kids education.  I have to go to a meeting today at 3:00.  The woman who does the interview is all business and has a way of making me feel small. Yes, we are told that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent but we know that it is not true.  When we are already beaten down words can make you feel really shitty. It is a form of bullying. Anyway...

So, that is why I have not been reading your blogs. I am so tired. I am eating Gaviscon and Ibuprofen like candy and taking more than one Ativan a day.  I have even been drinking wine coolers which is not normal for me.  Normally I have about one drink a month. 

And as I know, things will get better. Breathe. 

I Really Don't Know Life At All

It has been a crazy few weeks. And through it all I have learned that I do not know anything for sure.  Perhaps it is with some arrogance that I thought that love is all we need.  If we love, everything will turn out OK. Well, sadly it is not the case.  For over six years now I have given my (step) daughter all my love and support but she wants nothing to do with me.

She is damaged goods. My husband think she may even be a Psychopath. No that is not a joke. Throw drugs and alcohol into the mix and it gets even more chaotic. Her biological mother did a number on her. She just does not have the ability to give or receive love. She accepts and gives when it benefits her.  She has cut my husband, myself and her sister out of her life. She has given us no reason.  She won't answer our phone calls, emails or the door. Instead, she has invited her biological mother back into her life. The "mother" that used to beat her and lock her in a shed. The "mother" that did not call her for 8 years. The "mother" who stood behind her new husband when he sexually assaulted my her and called her a liar. 

Suffice it to say we are all heartbroken.  Her sister has always been there for her. Last week she went and bought her groceries when she herself did not have enough food to eat. We are considering a legal route to get visitation rights but my god, how did it come to this? 

So yes, I really don't know life at all. It baffles me. My heart is so full of love and I have much of it to give but sometimes that isn't going to help. 

Oprah has a page at the back of her magazine stating the things she knows for sure.  Tell me reader, what do you know for sure?