Nightmares

One of the worst things about my mom dying is the nightmares that she died.  Waking up brings no relief because I find out it is true.  I also dream that my mouth is full of gum and I can't get rid of it.  As fast as I pull it out of my mouth is appears again. 

Definition:

Dreaming that you are chewing gum, suggests that you are unable to express yourself effectively. You may feel vulnerable. Alternatively, is symbolizes a sticky situation that you found yourself in. Dreaming that you are unable to get rid of your gum, suggests that you are experiencing some indecision, powerlessness or frustration. You may lack understanding in a situation or find that a current problem is overwhelming.http://www.hyperdictionary.com/dream/gum

Waxing my Eyebrows at 2 a.m.

I see a lot of people are posting a year in review.  I have decided not to do that as it was hard enough to write the first time.  Though I am glad I have it all written down. Death, like birth is a holy and precious time.  One day I will look back and read my words.  Or maybe not.  


So...here is some exciting news!  I applied for a permanent position at my new job and I got it.  Even though I am the lowest on the seniority list of 200 people I got the permanent position  because they were impressed with my interview and experience.  The interviewer said I "nailed it in the interview".  It will be working 3 nights a week with people needing to be hospitalized on put into extended care when a hospital bed is not available.  It will also be caring for people who have had to leave the hospital early because the hospital needs the bed.  I am so stoked about this.  It is excellent pay.  For the first time in my adult life I will not be living below the poverty line.  I will get benefits too, oh yes I will.  I have worked so long and many crappy jobs to get this and I am so glad.


I had a nice Christmas. It was quiet and peaceful.  I loved on my new niece. She is sitting up now and then tips over.  So cute. 


I got a cold for Christmas.  And a Sony Reader. I can't really figure out how it works yet but I did download one book.  
So, now it is Boxing day.  I am sitting wrapped in my mom's pink fuzzy robe.  I will going to bed soon. I hope you all had a nice Christmas full of love, family and friends.  

I am a Canadian Abomination

I hate winter.

I hate the cold.  I hate snow.  I hate ice.  I hate black ice.  I hate frost; including hoarfrosts.  I hate snowstorms. I hate blizzards.  I hate flurries. I hate freezing rain.  I hate sleet.  I hate hail.  I hate skating. I hate curling.  I hate skiing.  I hate snowboarding.  I hate sledding. I hate hockey.  I hate icicles. I hate being chilly. I hate goose bumps. I hate shivering. I hate 8-hour days. I hate a cold nose. I hate cold toes. I hate cold ears.  I hate warming up my car.  I hate fogged up car windows.  I hate gloves. I hate winter coats. I hate touques.  I hate scarves. I hate colds (I am fighting one) and flus.  I hate Christmas songs that talk about snow.  ("Let it Snow"?  Fuck you, I have to drive in the shit while you sit on your fat ass drinking hot chocolate.)  I hate falling on ice.  I hate walking in the snow.  (OK, I like the crunchy sound.)  I hate cleaning snow off my car.  I hate shovelling snow.  I hate scraping my windshield.  I hate driving on icy roads. I hate chapped lips.  I hate having to blow my nose every 10 seconds. I hate dry, cracked hands.  I hate cold hands.  I hate snowballs.  I hate igloos.  I hate slush. I hate dirty snow.  I hate snowmen.  I hate all snow people. I hate snow animals.  I hate snow flakes. I hate making snow angels. (I can't get up again without ruining it.)  I hate sweaters made of wool.  I hate "snow days".  I hate being tired because there is no light.  I hate the wind blowing in my face.  I hate the Winter Olympics (so lame.)  I hate unplowed roads.  I hate salted roads. I hate treacherous roads  I hate getting my car stuck in the snow.  I hate looking at snow.  I hate being in the snow.  I hate pictures of snow.  I would have hated the Cold war. I hate cold fronts.  I have cold snaps.  I hate snow burns. I hate wind burns.  I hate that my glasses fog.  I hate snow tires.  I hate the sun reflecting off the snow. I hate leg warmers.  I hate ear muffs. 

There.  I feel better. Happy First Day of Winter, folks.  Meh. 

I have become a blogging anomaly.  The whole point of blogging is to actually blog but I am not blogging at all.  I have lots of thoughts in my head but have no time to think about wirting them down.
I have been working more than I want to.  I started at 8:30 this morning and finished at 9:00 this evening.  I did have a 3 hour gap (does anyone like split-shifts) which was filled with appointments and doing things that women do.  The good news is I am going to have a nice cheque coming to me but I have never been one driven by money so I am not overly excited about that.  The bad news is I am really, really tired.  I am just going all the time.  I don't really have time to eat and I am losing weight.  Nice to lose weight but a really bad and unhealthy way to do it.
I miss my mom every second of the day.   I think about her at least every hour.  She speaks to me through music.  You know what?   I feel closer to her now than I did when she was alive.  It is strange.  I was very close to my mom when she was here on earth but now I feel this connectedness.  I can't explain it in words.  
There are lots of other things going on.  Here is a recap.

• I finished my Christmas shopping tonight.
• We had a deer sleep in our yard today which was lovely but now I am wondering if there is any point to planting vegetables next year.
• My brother continues to be a twit.  He doesn't work.  He was supposed to pick my dad up tonight at the ferry tonight but he wasn't in the mood so he asked me to do it.  He said he couldn't drive that far because he needs new tires for his truck.  But, apparently his truck works well enough to go to a Christmas party. Twit.   

e reader

Does anyone have an e reader?  I am thinking of getting one but I have no idea where to start.  What brand would you recommend and why?  Thanks!

Judy Garland - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

I had never heard this version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" until this weekend.  It is so beautiful.  I think my mom wanted me to hear them.  I send it on to all of you that are missing someone this Christmas.  Do you like these lyrics better or less? 


Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were near to us
Will be dear to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now




(And Judy Garland is the last word on a perfect voice. Maybe Karen Carpenter as well.) 

Dido - See The Sun

Ah, my lovelies. I am still here.  I have been working like mad.  It is good but I am so tired.  I am working in Community Health which means I am working nights and driving around in the dark trying to find addresses.  Please people, go right now and buy proper house numbers for your house and make them clearly visible.  Not only is important for you but your neighbours as well.
Today has been a bad day.  I had a dream about my mom and she was really sick.  She said she wanted to die because knew how hard it was on my dad.  It was not a nice peaceful dream where she was ready to go.  It was just desperately sad.  I am still sad thinking about it.  My mom was not ready to die.  She died because she had no choice.
I went to grief counselling yesterday.  I told my grief counsellor the only way I can remember my mom right now is in the hospital and dying.  I can't get the images out of my mind.  My mom was so beautiful and she wasted away to nothing.  Cancer stole everything from her in the end.  My cousellor tells me I need to keep telling my story again and again until I can chip away at it and make it a manageable load to carry.  
I miss my mom.  

Fleetwood Mac - Songbird

Missing my mom today. I was so busy all week with my new job. Ironically, we spoke on Palliative care and discussed pain management for the dying. I had to look down a few times to compose myself. It is all so new.

You know what though? Through all of this I know more than ever I want to become a Palliative nurse.  I want to give end of life care. I want to care for people when they are scared and feeling alone, even if it is something simple as sitting with them and stroking their hair or even sitting in silence. Sitting when there really are no words and love is so much bigger than fear and emotional pain.
I know when I was really small that I felt a calling on my life and I new I was going to be doing something different in a caring capacity. I did not know what it was for a very long time and I asked God a lot of questions about where I was to be. For many years I have been hearing that I had to wait and I didn't know why. I know now. Before my mom got really sick I knew I wanted to work with people in the last stages of living but it eluded me. When my mom died it did not drive me away from being with the dying but it called me closer. I have known for a long time that I wanted to work with the dying but now I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. And so, the first blessing appears with regards to my mom dying.

I was still wondering how it was all going to come together. This week my nurse leader told us about a new program that was being adapted specifically for palliative clients and we were to come and speak to her if we were interested. Sometimes the earth shifts so loudly and it did for me at that moment. I know this is what I am going to be doing. Not right now as my own pain is so raw and fresh but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for 40 years to figure out what I was going to do when I grew up and now what is going to happen. And I feel so glad. And I feel grateful. And I feel my mom close and know she is orchestrating this.

Christmas is coming fast and I am not so scared now. There will just be 10 of us for dinner instead of the regular chaos of 25. My mom won't be here, but she will. She will. I do wish sometimes I had a river I could skate away on and yet, I have my family. My daddy. My brother. My sister. My kids. My love. My 2 beautiful nieces; one of them who is having her first Christmas, and of course my brother-in law. It hurts so much still but it is good. It is.

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

When I laid there beside you,


Could you feel me there?

My arms were wrapped around you,


And I was stroking your hair.




I was talking about all the good times,

For me they were every single day.

I wanted you to feel love and comfort,

And happy in some way.



I watched your every breath,

And prayed that each one wasn't your last.

The time we got to share together,

Went by too quick...Too fast.



I wanted you to wake up,

Please Mum...Open your eyes.

Tell me this is a nightmare,

And not our goodbyes.



As your last breath grew closer,

We lay there peacefully together.

My heart continually breaking,

Because I wanted you forever.



Then there it was,

Your final breath of air.

I didn't want to believe it,

This is so cruel and not fair.



I held your beautiful face,

And prayed you'd breath again.

I wasn't ready for you to go,

I couldn't admit that this was the end.



But then I realized that you were now in peace,

And not suffering any more.

You were beginning the life of an Angel,

And your body would no loner be sore.




I held you close and squeezed you tight,

And tried to say goodbye.

I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,

All my heart could do is cry.



I slowly got up,

I wanted so much to stay.

I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,

It was so hard to walk away.




Mum you are my entire world,

And I miss you so very much.

I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,

And your soft and gentle touch.


But for now I have to wait,

Until we meet again.

You will always be in my heart and thoughts,

My dear Mum and best friend.



Always and Forever,

Our hearts will always touch.

Always and Forever,

Your baby girl loves you so much.