Ever since my mom died I have felt so alone. I am so tired of crying. Crying that comes from my very core and is never soothed. I do not talk about my family on this blog for the sake of their privacy but I have to write this out.
My fiancé and I are having so many problems. He is always angry at me. Ever since we moved in together it has been horrible. He keeps telling me that he wants to kill himself because of me. He tells me that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him. Between the day my mom died and her Clelebration of Life he told me he was going to kill himself because I make his life so terrible. He tells me that he does not know why he stays with me.
If I ask him questions about what he is doing or where he is going he becomes resentful. If I don't do enough housework he gets angry. He never kisses me goodnight unless I ask. (I grew up with my mom and dad kissing all the time.) I have tried to speak to him and he just goes quiet or gets really mad at me.
Before we moved in together things were not like this. I don't know what has happened. Maybe I am a burden. Since my mom died I am pretty useless. I cry every day but so much of it has to do with him. If I could leave tonight I would but I have nowhere to go. My dad is out of the country. I don't have friends close enough to ask to take me and two teenagers in.
I am not sleeping. I am not eating. I have lost about 25 pounds. How much can a person cry until there are no more tears? I want to die. I stay alive each day for my kids. Right now I am a shitty mom. My kids talk to me and there words make no sense. Last night I spoke to my sister and I could not tell you one words she said. I knew it had to do with my papa and his medication but I don't know what she wanted me to do. My whole life is like this. People talk to me and I don't understand. I read my books and I don't know what I am reading. I drive and forget where I am going. I read your blog posts and I can't come up with any words for a comment. All I can do right now is stare at the birds.
I love my fiancé very much. At least I think I do. I have always been a woman that gives her heart openly and freely to everyone. I want our relationship to be what it was. It is hard to love when there is so much pain in my heart. Maybe I am just too fucked up. I hear that god won't give us any more than we can take. Not true. My heart has been broken more times I can't even count.
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I miss my mom (and dad) every second of every day. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I want to die. I am already on a new anti-depressant but anti-depressants can't take away pain and grief. Why is this fucking grief not letting up? I am doing everything you are supposed to do when grieving. I journal, I go to counselling, I meditate, I do Yoga and I practice self-care. And yet, grief hangs around my neck. Why did God see it to take one of the most beautiful people ever? She was my best friend, my mentor, my cheering section, my protector, my counsellor and my mama. She was so incredibly beautiful.
When will the pain end?
"I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning." - George, in "The Nap"
25 What do you think?:
Birdie, I think you need a lifeline, someone you can call at times like this. Do they have anything like that where you live, a 24 hour hot line just to call and talk to someone whenever. You know even though it feels like it - you are never alone.
I feel so for you and wish I could do something to help with your grief. It does show how deeply you loved your mom and I am sure she knew that. As for your fiance, no one should make you feel badly about yourself. You are not responsible for his happiness, you may contribute to it, but ultimately that is up to each person. You seem like such a sweet soul. Please try to surround yourself with people who are good to you. I hope your burdens will lighten soon.
"Don't believe everything you think."
That was a bumper sticker I saw when I was terribly depressed. It's true. Depression impairs your thinking.
I don't know what to tell you. Cognitive Behavior Therapy worked best for me, a book by David Burns. That and I wrote every night for 18 months. And exercise. Hard exercise that made me sweat and turned the lights on inside my head.
Hang in there woman. You can't fix your fiance but you do have to take care of yourself.
Sending hugs.
It is horrible enough that you are living in the pain of your mother's death. To have to live with someone who is so obviously unhappy makes it too much to bear. I don't have any answers but I have to tell you that I hope you find a way out of this.
Just don't give up. There ARE answers. I swear.
I know you've alluded to this before.. your fiance and then removed the post. You and I exchanged email about it briefly. What I said then is still true. You deserve much better than to be treated poorly - especially at a time when you need tenderness and understanding. The two comments above mine speak the truth. Get help wherever you can find it and don't believe your inner voice. And please.. do not believe his.
Hugs to you.
(make that three comments above mine)
I'll add my words of support, too. Don't give up. Things always do change; it's the one "law" of the universe that I believe is true.
Stuck in such grief can be so debilitating but as others have said, don't give up. It should resolve in time, with help.
You are not alone. I know we can't physically give you hugs but you have friends here who want you to reciver from al this.
You are not a burden.
You are not a shitty mom.
You have been through a trauma and you need time and space to recover.
Get yourself to a doctor to get help for your depression. If the antidepressants aren't working then you're on the wrong kind. Or maybe you need talk therapy.
Talk to your counsellor about how your fiance is behaving because that isn't right. You deserve his support now, not more hassle. Ask for practical help. And if your counsellor can't or won't give it - find another one who will.
PLEASE know that life doesn't have to be that way and there's help out there for you. You might have to look hard, but it's there.
Hi Birdie .. the others have said the words that I would say and more - there's a lot of encouraging comments here - with many thoughts .. Hilary
It is so sad for me to see such a wonderful person as yourself in so much pain and experiencing grief and yet have such a negative partner with her. I refrained from using the word beside you as it certainly seems that he is not... I do not know your fiance and therefore have no right to judge him but what I do know is that he needs a talking to... You two need to talk it out... maybe he was different before you moved in together because he wants things to be done a certain way and he is finicky or obsessive compulsive about certain things and want them done his way... or maybe something has happened outside the home that has change his mind about wanting to be at home...I dunno...
What I also know is that it is definitely not you and not something that you should be putting up with especially when you have gone through such a trauma.
You are definitely not a bad mom and stop saying that to yourself so that you won't believe it... besides your children KNOW and UNDERSTAND that you have seen your mom pass on and are having some time to get used to the fact that she is not physically around you. They are going through it as well so do not worry about them.
I agree with your friends... we are here for you...I advise you to continue to write it all out if you have not sought out some help in other places... we love and care very much about you... Hang in there lovely... things do change... they may take time but they do change.
Lots of loving thoughts and prayers.
I lost my brother to suicide. He had many, many issues and was troubled on a daily basis for his entire life. He told his girlfriend constantly that she made him want to kill himself. In the end he did it right in front of her, to violently prove his point.
He was 100% wrong and I know with 100% certainty that she is not to blame. There is *nothing* one person can do to make another person take their own life. Just keep repeating that to yourself. Do not take on the responsibility of his mental health.
You are handling a very heavy load with your grief, depression, being a mother, sister, friend, cat owner and employee. You are doing the best that you can. Your fiance needs to seek help. Being mentally ill (even temporarily) does not make him a bad person, it just causes him to do bad things. Please stress to him that he needs to see a doctor.
You have rights in your home. You and your children should not be made to leave. If you feel unsafe, or feel that he is unstable and might hurt himself or someone else, please call the police.
Remember, you are a good person and doing the best that you can at this moment. You know that you can do better and you will again. Hold on, things will improve.
Hugs,
It's weird how things turn out in our life. Some for the worse and others for the better.
I don't think saying "I'm sorry you feel that way is enough."
First of all, I completely agree that most men tend to grow different once they stay in the relationship longer. And I guess we just have to adjust to it because of the feeling that we now call love. And don't worry, you're not alone in such battle.
Hearing you talk about your mom this way just shows the many wonderful memories she's endowed upon you. I believe you're extremely luck and rather than cry of feel alone about her being gone, I suggest you start celebrating because wherever she is, she must be extremely happy to have her child remember her this way.
Huggies and Cheese,
Haopee
P.S. Life is full of crap, if you can't deal with it alone, feel free to blog it out. We're here to listen.
Your fiance is abusing you mentally. You can call your local battered women's shelter - they will help you.
Dear Birdie. This behaviour by your fiance is unacceptable whatever is going on for him that we might not know about. I remember you mentioning this before but I thought you and he must have resolved things. Please find someone near you, a counsellor or woman's shelter or family member/friend and talk this out with them as a matter of urgency. I am worried for you. You need to have some time and space to grieve for your Mum and to remember her and celebrate her. You do not need to be hurt and criticised at all. Just remember all these wise and loving words from your blogging friends. Whatever your fiance may say to you and about you, remember you are a beautiful soul, a caring daughter and a damn fine mother; whatever he is saying to you it is more about his own hangups and inadequacies than anything about you. Not judging him, just that it's usually the case that if someone is being critical and bullying towards someone else then it is definitely something about them not about their target.
Please take care and speak to someone who can help. Much love. xx
Fiance is doling out emotional abuse. This doesn't sound healthy for any of you. Remember that you are modeling for your children that it is O.K. to put up with being treated badly. My blood is boiling on your behalf.
I have a guest bedroom and a sofa-bed if you want a refuge near San Francisco for a few days away. Best case scenario you refresh your spirit. Worst case, you pick up a stray collie or two to go:)
Birdie, I can't even imagine your pain. You don't need to hear all that crap, not now and not any other time in your life.
Love yourself more than you love him and walk away when you can or get therapy with him.
And you don't need to comment on any other blog - not now. Just know that you have people who care about you and love you even when others try to make you feel bad...
Hugs.
Room here for you too. But I'm in the US.
Birdie please hold on xxx you are loved by your readers xxx
Birdie -- Remember the words on your header -- I thought they were wise.
"Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh. -- barbara
It gets better.
I promise.
(It was comments much like these from my readers that helped me through my own year from hell.)
Hi Birdie, My condolences on your loss. May I humbly suggest a therapist or couselor? Grief can be challenging to deal with especially compounded with your other issues. I am so grateful to have found a therapist who helps me see things more clearly and she assists in finding solutions.
Having just witnessed my grandmothers passing, I can assure you that your mother is in a beautiful place. Now to find a place on earth for you that is more painfree. Please consider a counselor that you can confide in. We don't walk this earth alone. There is always someone willing to help. We just have to find them.
I pray for you dear. Amy
Hon you are not useless and it is not your fault this guy wants to play the suicide game with you, (I nickname it that because I had one of these guys in my past and it's an abuse/control thing.)
Good grief, reading your posts just take me back to all the dark times I've had in my life. I just wish you knew how badly I feel for you; how I wish I could make things better for you, because I've been here and wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Ironically, I was thinking like English Rider, you could probably use a break from your life, and while you don't actually know me, or live anywhere near New Orleans, (I'm less than 30 min. away from the French Quarter give or take catching a train, the bridge, or traffic), it is a nice time of year to visit here. We've got a small, (micro sized really), room available if y'all'd (now try and figure that one out), like to a free place to stay for a little vacation from your life. Just let me know and I'll get things ready for you if it's a yes. God bless ; )
Birdie dear, there is nothing wrong with you so get that out of your mind. Your grief is real and part of a process we all go through, eah of us in our own way. To have no support from the person who is supposed to be your partner is also a kind of grief. Your fiance has a serious mental illness and needs help fast. There is nothing you can do to make him better. Hanging in there and talking to the Universe (which is usually a good thing) is being in denial. Emotionally abusing you when you are in such a fragile state is a big indicator of his illness. You need to worry about yourself and your children. You need to get away from him and he needs to get immediate help from a psychiatrist. Birdie this is a bad situation that can only get worse. Can you stay with your dad, can fiance stay somewhere else? I know that we think things will change if we hold out long enough, but that's not always the case. Your relationship can work out but not by letting it continue in such an unhealthy, distructive manner. Birdie, go back and read JJ's comment.
Depression makes it hard to take action, I know that personally. But you can and must stop all this madness. I am sending you support and prayers. We all believe in you.
Birdie, I just reread your post and this quote really stands out for me - "Why is this fucking grief not letting up? I am doing everything you are supposed to do when grieving. I journal, I go to counselling, I meditate, I do Yoga and I practice self-care."
The most important part of that equation you left out - "But I am getting emotionally beat up everyday by someone I thought I could trust and that alone destroys all the healing self-care that I, as a healthy, grieving person, can give myself.
I hope i am not out-of-line by being so laser-like in my comments - but I've been there.
yes yes and yes to every single comment left for you dear Birdie!
reach out for help... you must find a way to get away from the person who supposedly loves you... he is going to hurt you by hurting himself... there is something drastically wrong with that...
you are grieving and you will grieve for a long time i would guess... this was your mother, your mom... i think it's natural to grieve that loss for a long time...
but the heaviness of the grief may have much to do with your current environment... he is compounding it... he is not allowing you to progress through the darkness and feel better about life....
an exorcism is called for here
i know it seems impossible to get out... but there are ways... there truly are... can you go for a staycation? get a breather? get a hotel for the night away from him and everything... clear your mind and see what comes up?
xoxo
Post a Comment