So, here it is, in order, of what is going on right now.
# 6 Social - As time passes I become more and more introverted, more dismayed and bewildered with humanity. Going out is horrendous and all I want to do is be home again. Being home is the lesser of two evils. I can admit I would like to have close friendships but whenever I try I get myself into friendships I get hurt. I am lonely.
# 5 Spirituality - It used to be such a big part of my life but in the last few years I just feel lost and confused as to what is right and what is wrong. Every religion thinks every other religion is wrong. I have prayed and begged and pleaded with God. Nothing but silence in return. What kind of God ignores a pleading child?
# 4 Physical - With seeing a naturopath and with all the supplements I am taking I am feeling a little better physically but there is such a long way to go. I have so little energy and the energy I do have is sapped with work and raising teenagers.
# 3 Emotional - Depression engulfs me often. I am so tired of not feeling happy. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I am sick of medication that does not seem to help.
# 2 My job - Maybe I am not cut out to work in palliative care. That is a thought that has been plaguing me for a few months now. Right now, it just makes me tired. Caring for the dying takes so much out of me at times. I always have to be "on" when I am working. No sad days when you are working with the dying and their families. Nope.
# 1 Marriage - My husband and I argue. A lot. Too much for me to say that I am happy in my marriage right now. I don't think he loves me. Actually he tells me often that he doesn't and it fucking breaks me. He tells me he does not want to be married to me and that I do not know what love is. But then, a few days later he says he does love me. My heart feels like it is being juggled, then dropped, picked up, juggled and dropped. My marriage makes me sad but I think it will make me sadder to leave. It is awful not to feel loved.
And then there is the whole thing of knowing I should just suck it up. I live in one of the best countries in the world. My kids are mostly healthy. I have a beautiful home and a car. I have a job that pays the bills. There is so much to be grateful for and I am, I really am. But there is also a lot that just leaves me sad.
Hugs to you, Birdie. I hope your path gets smoother as you walk onwards.
ReplyDeleteSorry things are so rough on you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry so much is making you sad right now. I hope the quiet time you are having now will help you.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? You deserve to be happy. Believe it or not, you do.
ReplyDeleteAaargh. Sending hugs, and hoping a way forward becomes clear for you. And Ms Moon is right. You do deserve happiness.
ReplyDeleteNo, no, you DO NOT NEED TO JUST SUCK IT UP. No one deserves to be treated like that. NO ONE. You are worth more than that, honey.
ReplyDeleteNo one but you can tell you when it is time to change things, I went through that, and some decisions are just well...hard.
ReplyDeleteSo don't try and change everything all at once, sometimes I think we do that and it overwhelms us and makes us more depressed. I have learned to just do one small thing, then the next small thing, and eventually all those small things will come together and turn into one big thing.
It's an old saying but we really do need to learn to love ourselves before we can expect other people to love us. I suspect the fact that you say you should 'suck it up' means that somewhere deep down you don't think you should be happy.
ReplyDeleteWell that's not true. You are entitled to happiness and love. But you are often hard on yourself. Take care.
You've laid it out with so much clarity Birdie. Hoping the answers come the same way..
ReplyDeleteit's said that knowing whats wrong is the first step to putting it right
one step at a time
Three words at the top of your blog: Strong; Devoted; Resilient. And you are:)
ReplyDeleteA wise counselor told me once to think of myself being wrapped up in an electric blanket and handing the controller to others to regulate my temperature when they could have no idea of what I was feeling. He insisted I take back the control of my own life. It always helps me to think of that.
Your mind is certainly overloaded. I hope things get smoother and you find inner peace. Just remember that you deserve the best. Don't ever shortchange yourself.
ReplyDeleteBirdie, one thing I admire about you is that you speak honestly about the way you are feeling and I know that you must know that many people feel the same way. You speak for many.
ReplyDeleteCheers
You do deserve to be happy I totally agree. Also agree that you do speak for so many of us. Sometimes we tend to make the best of things don't we. Which is good but..
ReplyDeleteYou know.
Have a peaceful three days. No they won't sort it all out but you are already taking steps. You are working on the physical. xx
Just because different people have different struggles doesn't negate what you are going through. Your struggles and issues are important and matter. You matter. I have a lot of the same questions and struggles that you do. All we can do is keep trying and have some faith that things will work out some day. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs. The black dog is trying to drag me under as well.
ReplyDelete"Don't believe everything you think."