The time away was very nice. I was able to put away some files into the proper places in my brain that had been sitting gathering dust. I slept a lot. I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I read. I cried. I laughed. I cried more. I ended up not going to the Upper Realm as "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" so I slept instead. I read some more but I am having trouble focusing on reading. I have never had this problem before. I get angry at grief recovery books that throw all losses into the mix. Don't, I mean don't try to tell me that losing a job or a pet is the same as losing a parent. And I would smack anyone senseless that would say it is the same as losing a child. It isn't. And it pisses me off that we are so fucking politically correct that we have got to the point where books are written and loss is brushed over with the same brush stroke and that some how getting over the loss of a job or a pet is the same as watching your mom die in front of you in the same hospital that she gave you life.
Anyway...I guess I am dealing with a bit of anger. I saw two ladies yesterday that I had not seen since my mom died. Last time I saw them I told them my mom had days left to live. When I saw them yesterday they did not say a fucking thing. Is it that hard to say "I am sorry"? These two women were not what I would call friends. Our children do an activity together and I have known them for enough time to at least get an acknowledgement that my mom lived and then died. I don't know. Maybe I am "just too sensitive" as people like to say. I personally think most people are not sensitive enough. "I am sorry to hear about your mom". Eight words. Acknowledge my fucking pain you bitches!
I sure am crabby tonight. Twice in the last few days I have gone to phone my mom. I am not able to sleep at night so I end up sleeping into the afternoon. I went to the library today. I told the lady there that my mom passed away and that is why I had not picked up some special order books. She had no issue with saying sorry. Damn. I need to let this one go. I think it is not so much anger but I am in a state of confusion. I am befuddled. How can someone ignore a death? At least pretend to give a shit. Psychopaths can do it why can't you? God, I am on a roll tonight.
Anyway. I got the newest Frances Itani book from the library. And some magazines on gardening. I got a book on grief that I am not going to read.
OK, my sweetie just got up and was wondering why I am not in bed so I am going to go make another attempt at sleep.
Here are some pictures from the undisclosed location.
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| Grove |
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| Graffiti |
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| George's Grange |
I think you are doing well considering all you have been through. I had been in treatment several months when my mom died, not unexpectedly. I didn't see her. I won't go into why I was there but anyway, her pain wasn't nearly like your mom's. I think you are tired, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Not being able to read is a part of it all. Focus seems to be a problem. I have lost everyone I ever had as family except for my kids. There is a huge gap. It hurts. You have been on my mind and will continue to be as you recover.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe they got it right in the "olden" days when doorways where there had been a death had a black wreath on them, where the bereaved wore black for a prescribed amount of time, where people were expected to treat them as if they had indeed had a huge loss.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
I was easily angered after my Mother died. I took a hedge trimmer to all the morning glory vines around the garden and took out the cable TV line as well. The power tool sending vibrations up my arms; the prickly dust that grated on my skin and made my eyes burn; the death defying teetering of my shaky ladder. I still refer to that when I go back to remember that particular time in my life.
ReplyDeleteYou never know how others will respond when faced with grief. Many are paralyzed by not knowing what to say.They want to, but can't. The opposite is also true. I had a client, a complete stranger, bring an orchid plant to our meeting to honor my Mother.
I'm with Ms. Moon -- and would add the cultures that allow the women of the village to parade through it, wailing and crying all together -- for the person lost and for the persons left behind. We live in such an anesthetized culture, and anything having to do with death, with illness (I'll throw in disability, too, because I can) makes some people just plain uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteI send you hugs, some loud wails and most of all understanding as you rage and cry and mourn.
I've lost my father and I've lost several beloved pets. There is no comparison. None. I probably cried more over the pets but it's 20 years since my dad died and it's still affecting me. It does get easier but it never goes away completely.
ReplyDelete{{{hugs}}}