I spent a great deal of time at the hospital today. I feel differently than yesterday. I am not OK today. My mom cried today and begged me to take her home. She pleaded. I tried changing the subject. I lied and said I would talk to the nurse. I also just sat there and didn't say anything.
She is so thin. She is the size of a little girl now. She is smaller than my 13 year old daughter. She has a tube in her nose that goes down her throat that sucks everything out of her stomach. She has another tube in her nose for oxygen. Her colostomy bag keeps popping off and the room has an odour that doesn't leave my nose ever after I leave the hospital. She has five different ports in her skinny little arms for all the medications. One for pain, one for nausea, one for Ativan. I don't even know what the other two are for. She speaks in a low murmur and I can't understand what she is saying most of the time. She is a beautiful person and I don't understand why this needs to happen like this. I have been asking that question for a long time. There are no answers.
And as Forrest Gump says, "That's all I have to say about that".
One thing I do believe (not that it makes it any easier for you) is that things happen as they are supposed to.
ReplyDeleteIt's a real test of faith when we see our beloved ones suffering, but perhaps it may help to accept their suffering is meant to be our "guide" or "teacher," in that we learn so much about our selves and our paths, and also about love: both giving and receiving love.
I look at how my Dad is suffering - but he knows my Mom can't bear to let him go, so he fights on valiantly (just like your mom) What greater love is there than that?
And I look at the care and love and compassion my Mom is giving my Dad (just like you with your Mom) What greater love is there than that?
Watching your Mom suffer is so awful for you, and you may never know the answer to the question Why her?...but later, when the grief and worry is not so raw, perhaps you'll gain comfort that despite her suffering, your Mom knew the meaning of the word Love.
To cheer you up: I've nominated you for a blog award over at my blog!
Judy, South Africa
It sounds like your mum is getting ready to leave and she is anxious about 'going home,' and the difficulty is that her cognitative state may not be receptive to any message you could give her about that, so I am sending her lovely pink energy to relax and know she can go home anytime she likes and is ready. And I am sending you some lovely pale green energy to find your way through the emotions of letting her go home, knowing that she will never be out of your heart and mind.
ReplyDeleteI remember times when my gran begged us to take her home from the hospital and I felt like picking her up and marching out with her. I understand how you've changed your mind and are not ok. These days must be a mass of confusion and painful feelings. The whys are always there when we see people, especially those we love, suffering. Sending love, holding your hand and here with you always Birdie.
ReplyDeleteI just can't imagine what you're going through. I believe some day the answers will reveal themselves. You're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou have no control over this situation. It is completely justifiable that you feel such anguish. You are in my heart.
ReplyDeletebless your heart...
ReplyDeletesuch a difficult time for you and your mother...
i watched my mother care for my grams as she was going through the dying process.... she too wanted to go home... although i don't think home meant her house... i think home was with the Lord as that was her faith....
Birdie, love your mother and that is all you can do... just love her.. and let her know you will be okay, you will survive this.. let her know that...
Much love and healing to you and your mother Barbara... I am not sure what to say as words escape me... but I feel your hurt and only hope that it will soon disappear.
ReplyDeleteI DO NOT believe that things happen as they should. I believe that things just happen. Look- talk to the hospice nurses. Tell them your mom needs more pain medication. If she is agitated, she does.
ReplyDeleteHas your family all told her that although they love her always, she is free to go?
Oh hell. I don't know. I just know that this is not fair to anyone.
Sending love.
Ms Moon has hit the nail on the head for me also. I realized I was strong after I lost my Dad and my Mom in similar ways. I didn't become stronger because of it. I believe life just is. It is.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I know how difficult it is when there is nothing left you can do. Loosing both parents last year it came a time when all I could do was tell them Thank You for what they did for me. And wish that that was enough to at least give them a tad of peace in their minds.
ReplyDeleteSo sad for you on this journey.
ReplyDeletetoo heartbreaking for words. Why is your mom hooked up to all these things that only increase her suffering?
ReplyDeleteIs there hospice available with palliative care - no intervention to prolong the suffering?
I would like to add one thing to my comment. I am not a nurse or have any medical training. When my mother had a colostomy I had to learn myself. The hospital nurses and hospice nursed failed at administering the colostomy seal where it would not leak. Each colostomy is shaped differently. They may need to use a sealer like a caulk between the seal. Or possibly a wafer and stoma caulk. I can not remember the name two companies make it. With effort the colostomy seal and bag can be attached where there is no odor. I had to figure it out myself then show the hospice nurses and family members how. My point is that you might have to force the hospital nurses to work harder to get a good seal. It upset my mother when she smelled the odor. It seemed the least I could do to at least not allow her this extra bad feeling about herself...
ReplyDeleteOh Birdie......I can't believe I jumped to a comment form when I am speechless. Be strong when you can, and know that it is okay to not be strong.
ReplyDeleteHi Birdie .. I feel for you intensely .. I have been there, but in no ways like you're experiencing .. my mother lives on ...
ReplyDeleteI can only offer you my thoughts from afar .. I believe you can release them to go .. and sounds as though your mother would be willing to do so ..wish her on her way, while remembering those happy times you had here together ..
My thoughts are with you .. may it be peaceful ... with a big caring hug Hilary xoxo