The last two days my mom has been vomiting but the nurses were unsure as to why. She has not been eating any more than a few bites everyday. It turns out there is another block in her bowel. Her stomach needed to be pumped and she now has a tube that goes down her nose and pumps her stomach continuously. She is drinking tiny sips that get immediately pumped out of her stomach. She is sedated and will be sleeping all the time now. She is responding to voices and wakes up but falls back to sleep quickly. I spoke to her palliative doctor and he said that they will try to take out the tube tomorrow but she will not be able to take in enough fluids now to keep her going. But who knows? She is a strong woman and it seems to want to live. This dying, these last stages of living have no timeline.
And you know what? I am OK with this. At this moment I am OK with this because I just want this to be over now. (Though I may change how I feel in ten minutes from now.) I know she is not ever going to get better or be well so I am ready for this last stage. I don't want to see her be sick any more. I have no idea what my life will look like without my mom. She has always been a part of my life. It is going to be weird not to have her here. It is going to hurt for a very long time and I am never going to stop missing her.
I went to Reiki today. I also went to the Hospice thrift store and bought three new sweaters, two puzzles and a white eyelet bed skirt for my daughter. I also hit it lucky and bought a set of curtains for our den. They happen to be an exact match to the ones I bought a few years back for $600.00 for my living room. (I brought them with me when I sold my condo.) They are even insulated. I got them for $4.00! Yay!
PS - Last week I was deleting blogs off my blogroll of people who no longer post. I accidentally deleted someone who I did not want to delete. Now I am worried who else I deleted. If you are no longer on my blogroll let me know and I will put you back on. I swear, lately I wonder how I even get dressed in the morning!
Hugs, Birdie.
ReplyDeleteThat's cool about the curtains.
It's so hard to watch someone you love go through this. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteWe all are always here with you.
ReplyDeleteHi Barbara .. I've come over from Judy Croome's blog - there's something for you there! & I'm another Hilary .. I think I'll try and become HilaryMB - but I usually show as Hilary ...
ReplyDeleteI can understand your feelings right now - and am so sorry to hear the news - it is terribly distressing - my thoughts go out to you .. at least she has the best care possible - palliative care is brilliant as I saw with my uncle - be at peace .. Hilary
your small mercies make me smile wide. love to you, birdie, through this all and out into the other side.
ReplyDeletexo
erin
I said goodbye to my Dad when I realized that if he got better he still would no longer have the fine mind he so valued before the illness. And I have decided that pain, for me, is there to make death, my own, much more welcome. I do understand and feel so much for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Birdie. It is awful watching someone go through this. I hope your mother doesn't have to suffer much longer. Take care woman.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard time to get through... it seems unkind to me to have someone all tubed up when the outcome is just being delayed, but that is just me and my opinion. I am intending better days for you and a quick passage for your mum - I send you Reiki every day... and hugs - even though I don't post every day.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a little brightness in your day. Saving $596 always helps.
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