Resentment
Oh Barbara I am so sorry you are feeling this way... I understand your resentment... you are so protective over your mother and want to make everything comfortable for her... maybe your brother this si the only way your brother can deal with things... maybe he is in the denial stage? I dunno... I just think he does not quite understand things... or does not want to... or wants everything to go back to normal... maybe this is the way he deals with it all... and it is a huge thing to deal with... maybe he needs your wise words to help him understand what makes a patient comfortable..... I do not know but what I do know if that you have such a big compassionate heart that will embrace him and help him understand... May you continue to find strength within yourself...
ReplyDeletebirdie, my family just got together. this is such a rare occasion any more. and yet this time as i was tired i simply sat back and watched. it was a disaster in small and bruised ways but i realized something - i mean, i always knew it but i realized something - saw it with my eyes, how we are so all each ourselves. every one of us was so defined within the life and yes, belief system that we live life through. it was very difficult to bring such disparate parts together. now, this is only my family i speak of, truly, for all families are so different, but i thought, my god, all of the things i can not stand of some of the others, and those things i love too, all i can do is accept them. not like them, necessarily, but accept that this is how my brother is, my sister is. i'll change no one. now, that is not to say that i don't hope for acceptance going the other way as well, and respect too. i don't know anything beyond my small perspective in my small and faulty family.
ReplyDeleteyou are all grieving in the only ways you know how. it gets ugly. there is no control. everyone struggles for it and it is not there. i don't know the solutions.
you love your mother.
xo
erin
There are certain truths in a recovering person's life. One is denial and it seems as if your brother has a bad case of it. I believe he is scared to death of losing your mother and he is denying that it can and will happen. But the next time you see him, please understand that his view of the world is totally different and colored by the loss of his crutch. I speak from experience.
ReplyDeleteAnger is normal, so is denial which sounds like what your brother is doing. I'm always amazed at how many people have a problem with narcotics, not just your brother. Your mother needs to have her pain controlled and morphine is one of the best drugs to do that.
ReplyDeleteA loved one dying never brings out the best in people sadly. I can only imagine what kind of a basket case I'll be when my own mum dies. It won't be pretty.
Sending hugs. Rant away. It helps.
When my mother-in-law was dying, her sister came from California and insisted that she must give my mother-in-law a permanent. Which she did. In the hospital bed.
ReplyDeleteWe all face death differently, don't we? Let's just say that your brother is not accepting things as they are.
I think your brother is feeling the same pain and chaos over losing your mother that you are. He just processes and responds to it very differently.
ReplyDeleteHe struggling with the truth of the matter and is very much in denial. He may not accept comfort, but he needs it as the rest of the family does.
It's so difficult to exercise patience when every fibre of your emotional being is frayed and raw, but he needs some of the same tenderness that the rest of you need. He just may not accept it.
Go easy on him... and for goodness sake, go easy on yourself.
I'll be away for about a week but I'll check in on you when I'm back in touch with a computer. Hugs to you.
I suppose your brother is just trying to cope in his own way. But not very firmly tethered to the reality.
ReplyDeleteI think it's wonderful that you are sleeping outside. The sky is always a comfort, I think.
I appreciate these posts very much.
i am so sorry you are going through this. you know, you can rant and fuss about this all you want because this is your blog! i feel better for you knowing that you let some of what is bugging you out on here.
ReplyDeleteyou are loved... here if you need me..
<3
keeping your family in my thoughts. hugs n love
Denial is in his words and heart. You can't change it for him. He will. Could her Dr. talk to him? Let him explain your mom's health update so that he might "get it".
ReplyDeleteFor now breathe...breathe and hold on.
I'll just (try to) be funny: your brother is a man... what would you expect?
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'll be serious: it's amazing to see how much worry and concern you have for your mother. You remember every little detail and that must make her feel a bit better, I am sure. She is blessed for having you as her daughter.
Big hugs,
Isa
Nothing worse than those sanctimonious recovered people. I have met them, lived with them, outlived them. They make me appreciate the power of the grape in moderation. They remind me that what I think is not always the right answer. Ah, humility....
ReplyDeleteGod bless you. Be strong!
Sometimes there are no answers. He sounds needy to me, although he expresses it badly.
ReplyDeleteYour brother seems to be acting of how he thinks will make your Mom better...I guess. I hope he begins to understand soon. I also hope you got some sleep.
ReplyDeleteARghhhhh... dealt with the selfishness and sanctimony of the Recovered and it is not easy. He wants to be helpful, doesn't realize it's all about him still, and this is so typical of the RA... I don't know his history, but when he started drinking is when his social development got arrested and when he started recovering is when that social part began to grow again. He may be stuck at about 16 or 17 years of social age, even if he has many more chronological years on him. And so hard to be patient when he is Out of Touch, but then he is dealing as best he can... hope his sponsor is seeing a lot of him right now!
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, you can get annoyed and speak out here... it goes no farther and I am doing Reiki on you and your Mum nightly to ease this passage for you both... blessings!
Your brother is hurting - even while he is doing all the wrong things. He doesn't want to loose his mom either - he just manifests it differently.
ReplyDeletePeople in recovery always have a hard time with things that are diffiult. It scares them.