Puzzles

Spent most of yesterday and a lot of today with my mom.  Her mind seemed clearer today.  She is even making jokes.   I am fussing over her because I am still a nurse and patient comfort is always a priority in  my mind.  I can make anyone comfortable.  It is a gift. It is my gift.  I just seem to know what is wrong and how to fix it without being asked.   Dim lights.  Raise the head of the bed.  Pillows under and between the knees.  Fresh water. Turn the TV off.  Don't ask too many questions.  Keep chitter-chatter to a minimum.  Turn the patient on her other side.  Wash her face.  Warm blankets from the warming oven.  Light healing touch.  Mouth care.  Open the window.  Close the window.  Fan on. Fan off.  Call for pain meds before they are needed.  Ativan for anxiety.  Soft music.  Music with memories attached. No music.  Silliness.  Seriousness.  Teasing. ("Cancer is making you bossy!")  Listening, always listening.  Watching, always watching.  Are there smells in the room?  Talk about death. Talk about being well. 


Only this patient is my mom.  My mommy.  I am not doing anything extra special for her.  There is love for everyone I care for behind what I do. But this patient has loved me forever.  There is a strong force that I can't leave behind at the end of the day. I bring this one home with me.  


Maybe I fuss too much because yesterday as I fussed I asked her if there was anything else I could do.  She replied, "Yes... Get lost!"  I laughed out loud.  She said something similar to my dad when he was talking too much.  She said, " Honey could you please get me another pillow and put it over your face". hee hee  


I also sat and did a puzzle.  I only got the border done and that was with help.  I spoke to my mom's life long friend who I still call Auntie Dee.  She lost her husband to cancer.  She is one of the most down to earth people I know.  She told my mom that when she dies to make sure that if she wants to visit her to damn well make sure it is not at night and or she will scare the bejesus out of her. ha ha


I watch other families in the Palliative ward.  We are all gentle with one another and yet allow space because now is not the time to be supporting anyone other than our loved ones. 


So, it all starts again tomorrow.  Or maybe I will go up tonight and just sit with her.  I wish for a day like today.  I don't pray much anymore because I don't think there is any point.  I have prayed all along and I think God does whatever the hell He/She wants and doesn't have time or care enough to make this easy.  The meds will see to that.  My strength right now comes from the people that would walk in front of a train for me.  Maybe that is God.  Maybe it isn't.