The medication my mom is on is making her say mean things. I know that is not her and it is only the medication but it still hurts me. It hurts me because I know that is not her. And I just want this to be over. Because nobody should live like this. I need a break but I know there is only one way for that break to come. My fiance is not speaking to me and I don't know what I did wrong. I feel so vulnerable. I have no interest in anything right now. I could sit and watch the cursor blink on the screen in front of me for hours and just not care.
Days like this I hate who I am. Why can't I be normal and not be so affected by pain? It would be nice to stop crying for 2 minutes. I have heard of crying so much you have no more tears but that does not seem to be the case for me. I just want someone to put their arms around me so I can feel some love and hope that life is not a shit hole. God, I am so tired.
I am sending you a hug...I know those are just words but Barbara hold on.
ReplyDeleteI often find music soothes me...my preference is Celtic...find something like that or take a walk somewhere especially beautiful, but bring some tissue because you will cry. That is okay...sob, cry...let it be your release...
I tend to cry like that when I'm depressed too. When Katie was first diagnosed it was awful. It felt like someone had stripped all of the skin off of me and there was no barrier between me and the rest of the pain in the world. And there is a lot of pain in the world. I survived. You will survive.
ReplyDeleteSending a virtual hug. It's not the same I know.
there is no such thing as normal and yet you are normal. this is normal. nothing is wrong. you are just trying to survive. we all must try.
ReplyDeleteyes, you're tired. my god. how else might you be? i would put a blanket 'round your shoulders and send you off. i'll stay in the kitchen. i'll tend to things. truly, i'm sending those feelings to you directly. go to bed. sleep.
life is sometimes a shit hole. sometimes it reveals the other side of its self. hold on. it's coming.
(word verification, no shit: trust)
xo
erin
Dear Birdie,
ReplyDeletePlease do yourself a favor and step back for a moment. Allow someone else to sit and care for her while you turn off your brain and stop. Go to a funny movie by yourself and laugh your ass off. Don't feel guilty and don't think about your reality. It is possible. You can do it. Do it alone so no one will watch you and wonder or worry about your well being or sanity.
You will survive this. Trust me I know. I thought I could not but it is happening.
Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug.
Sweet Birdie, you feel such pain because of the humanness within your soul. Sometimes life is nothing more than shit and on those times our own resolve is tested to the depths.
ReplyDeleteYou have got to have a break. No guilt, no feelings of selfishness. Just a little down time, even if only a day. Please take care of you for if you don't there will be nothing left of you to give to others either. Blessings, Mina.
There is no 'death' and the mother that you love is already transitioning out of the painful body into her new life. Focus on your fiance, your future, and get some sleep inside beside your beloved. I hope you don't take this the wrong way... I care about you, and it is time for you to take better care of you, too... hugs, Birdie!
ReplyDeleteDear Birdie,
ReplyDeleteI hope you do take that rosemary and make a wonderful dinner for yourself. You need a break from caregiving. Let someone help you for a couple of hours while you go do something you enjoy.
Take care dear.
Oh, I am so sorry you feel so lonely and in pain. Considering this post is a few days old, I hope yo feel better by now.;)
ReplyDeleteI have felt this way not many months ago so I can relate. I went through hell on earth for sure..
But please trust that better times are ahead, hang on to that hope...
I am sorry for your mom too. And I hope your fiance has come around as you he should be there for you when you need him the most.
Hang in there,
hugs
Zuzana
I'm sorry. Praying. That's the best I can do.
ReplyDelete