Well, I guess it is time for a new post.  Right now my mom is in surgery to have a colostomy bag put on. The surgeon is not 100% hopeful that he can even do that.  The cancer is everywhere. I have taken a few days off work to let this settle in.  I hope I will be more clear headed next week.  


It is so strange how two weeks ago all I was thinking about was getting my home on the market to sell.  Now that is done and people are coming through and though I want it sold as soon as possible it is no longer in the front of my mind.  It just is sitting there floating in the back of my mind as I go around keeping it presentable.


I had my mom set up yesterday to receive Hospice care but now she is refusing. I am disappointed  because I know how amazing Hospice is.  She has gone from acceptance to denial. I have never been a fan of Kubler-Ross and her 5 stages of grief.  I believe grief is a continuum.  Infinite. I believe all five stages are always going on within themselves and we can go back and forth.  The hardest part is at the epicentre.  That is where the strongest feelings of anger, denial, bargaining and depression take place. Some days are worse than others.  Some minutes are worse than others.  Even with my own grief on this journey I can be in the centre at any moment. Crying and anger but an hour later I am away from the centre of the "8" and just feel tired and numb.  And this will never end.  Ever.  Even thirty years from now I can experience the same awful feelings I feel now but the episodes in the epicentre will be much further apart, months or years.  The time spent in the epicentre may only last a few minutes or a day or two. A birthday or anniversary.  A reminder. In the later years we drift on acceptance.  What else is there to do? 


What I wish for my mom and ask for my readers to pray for for, is that she makes it until my sister has her baby and that she gets one last summer with my dad at their cabin.  That is what we all want right now.  One more summer. 


 Namaste


Update - My mom got our of surgery at 1:30 am and was able to get the colostomy bag.  That  is a relief.  She will be able to be comfortable now.  I am going to Reiki today.  Reiki. What would I do without Reiki?  I also ask my Reiki healer friends to please send your positive energy this way for me and my mom.