Never Give Up! But what happens when you have to give up?This morning the reality of what is happening is hitting me. This could be the thing that finally kills my mom. It is weird. Cancer is so evil it also creates other sicknesses and diseases. If cancer doesn't kill you, it will create something that will. If that doesn't work there is always the chemotherapy. That does a lot of people in too. I know there are a lot of survivors. But that will not be the case for my mom. So, how do you give up? We are taught in our society to never give up anything. Be strong! Be courageous! Be brave! But we can't be those things anymore. My family has to accept reality. Seriously, it would be easier NOT to give up. Giving up is the hard part.
And later that day...
What a horrible thing to sit across from your mom's surgeon and have him tell you she has 2 or 3 months left. WTF? WHAT? WHAT! WHAT??!! I am numb right now. My body's natural shit kicking in to protect me from pulling off my clothes and going out onto the lawn of the hospital and cursing God. Who the hell do you think YOU are God? She turns 65 on May 5th. You ASS God! WHY? WHY! I want to know WHY! TELL ME! Why not purge the world of its many assholes? I swear, there was some shit-for-brains young kid in a sports car parked in a handicapped spot tonight at the grocery store. Take that useless piece of shit! People that park in handicapped spots when they don't need them are a breed all their own. We don't need them here but I need my mom GOD DAMN IT!
My mom was diagnosed 3 months after she retired. She has always been the sweetest most loving mom that I could have ever asked for. When the surgeon told her we cried. I crawled into the hospital bed with her and we cried together. She first asked me to look after my dad. (I will Mom, I will.) She worried about my kids. Having grand kids, she says is the best thing that has ever happened to her. I told her I would be OK. But I won't. Yet, I guess I have no choice. This is too surreal.
Namaste
I don't think it is giving up. I think it is accepting with grace. Which of course, is the hardest thing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry.
I don't even have words to comfort you... All the Love in my heart goes to you in this needed moment.
ReplyDeleteLet the Peace be in you
Isa
Accepting the reality and giving up is not necessarily the same thing. By accepting the inevitable, you can let go of the anxieties created by the constant need of being optimistic and staying strong while struggling against the illness, and instead concentrate on making the last days/weeks/months of your mother as beautiful and peaceful as possible.
ReplyDeleteLots of love for your family at these difficult times!
Anna
So sorry, that's terrible for you and your family to hear. Hold her close. My wish for you is that you can find a peaceful place to help you through the months ahead.
ReplyDelete