When I spoke to the nurse I was bewildered. I kept thinking, "I am too young to be having this conversation. You need to be speaking to someone else." But I am old enough. It is just when it comes to my mom and dad I have always been the child. They have always taken care of everything. They are the strong ones! It feels like I am not old enough to be making life and death decisions. But I am. I don't know how to do this! Why is it that everyone else out there has their shit together and can deal with this hell? I sure can't. This whole battle I have felt three years old. I am not dealing with this with "dignity, grace and acceptance".
At any rate, I spoke to the nurse and actually requested she move to the palliative ward. I actually requested she not be sent home to die. And I feel like a shit for that. What kind of person prefers to request that her mother die at the hospital? I don't know what is right. All I care right now that she will come to some sort of peace as she is very depressed right now.
And I asked God that she does not have to lay in bed for days with that awful death rattle. Please, not that.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I am not ready to say good bye and yet I can't handle to see her suffer. Yes, I do know what I feel! I want her to be healthy and well. I want more time wih her. I want my mom for another twenty Mother's days. Her birthday is May 5. I want her here for twenty more of those too. But, who ever promised we could get what we want in life.
My god, this hurts so bad. Tears come faster than I can wipe them away. I sob. I can't breathe.
Namaste
I need your e-mail, please.
ReplyDeleteKisses and peace in your heart.
marisadejesus@gmail.com
My Dearest Birdie... I am not going to paint a false picture for you…so forgive my forwardness… Whoever said that it would be easy?... it never is and it never will be... you will never be ready… She is your mother and we always need our mothers… our fathers… our grandfathers because we are afraid of the unknown… we are afraid of how life would be like after they venture off… but rest assured my dearest that your mother has taught you the skills and given you the strength and wings to be able to make it on your own without her always by your side… but it is ok to cry… it heals the soul.
ReplyDeleteI feel it in my bones that you will do the right thing for you, your mother, your father and your family... You do not need to feel bad if you had decided that your mother stay at the hospital... You just want what is best for her... You also do not have to be the only rock that carries the burden of everyone else… you need to let go sometimes and allow others to take care of you and your feelings… so that in turn you can continue the battle with your mom.
My dad's birthday is on May 5th as well and I can imagine how you want more birthdays with your mom... I wish that I was with my dad celebrating his upcoming birthday in Jordan... but we can continue wishing and continue hoping... but sometimes I feel we just have to face the reality of thing... and the reality is this my dearest Birdie... she is not totally leaving you... she will always be there... not physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually… it is painful, granted, I know… I understand.... but there is this Arab saying which goes like this, "God chooses the best flower out of the Earth's garden to be with Him." So your mom is going to a better place free of pain so that she can focus on you and your family from a place where she will be happy. It is always harder on the ones who are left behind but if you think that she will be free of the pain she is suffering, then it might make her journey to that free light place a little easier I hope…
You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday…
Tabouleh said such wise things, Birdie, there's not much I can add, except to say that it's part of the journey, part of the process. You may never know the why's and wherefores of this hard path you and your beloved Mom are walking - that may always remain shrouded in mystery - but with time and healing you will come to accept that what happened was the path that had to be walked, for your soul's growth and your Mom's. None of this - none of what we say, will make your pain easier, but perhaps it will help give you the strength to surrender and let go in peace and love and light.
ReplyDeleteJudy, South Africa