The last several days have been the hardest yet. I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling. My whole body physically aches from crying. I didn't know grief could make your feet, legs and knees ache. I didn't know grief could make your arms, neck and back sore. I didn't know grief could cause your throat to feel tight and your lungs to feel as if all the heaviness of the world is sitting on them.
I saw my grief counsellor this afternoon. She is a person of such loveliness. I feel normal when we speak. Lately I have felt like a freak when I speak to people. I feel vulnerable. I feel as if I have no skin. When I speak to my counsellor I can feel the skin on my body where it belongs. I feel vulnerable but overwhelmingly safe and cared for.
I also went to Reiki today. I receive Reiki at no charge through Hospice. One of the Reiki healers came and searched me out just to give me a hug. She always comes and finds me to give me a hug when I am in the building. I feel loved. She honestly loves and cares for me. We met while my mom was on the Palliative ward. She came and did Reiki several times on my mom and me.
And there is all of you. You, who keep coming back and reading my words. You keep commenting and loving me even though you receive nothing back. I thank my God for all of you. There is a Bible verse for you! Phillipians 1:3
picture courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/27282406@N03/4134929014/sizes/m/in/photostream/
i am thankful for you as well! it does remind me of water!
ReplyDelete<3 love much!
always here if you need me!
love
elle
I am glad that you are feeling a bit better today and I am happy to come here and give you support. You DO give back in return --your comments and support of me have meant a lot.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a bible... hum... but OK, it's good for sure.
ReplyDeleteYou're getting better and better and you'll be even more amazing after you skip this stage, trust me!
Love
Isa
Slowly, slowly, it's easing. Deep breathes. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I may not always have words to offer in comment, I always come read and keep up with you and send you loving thoughts. I promise.
ReplyDeleteKeep on keepin on. You will find your new normal, trust me. From someone who went through the same thing, only without the support network you've got, you will be ok girl.
It's as if you are living in a world that so very few know anything about, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI remember.
You do come back to this one. I promise. So slowly that you won't even know it. But it is good to go places and be with people who know the world you are in. Who share it with love.
I am so glad your feeling some better! Hugs and Prayers today!
ReplyDeleteI find it tough how grief can affect us...Of course, I do not want to go through it again but??
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to read your words
I've been through the death of both my parents and other loved ones. It's so difficult, I know. Grieving isn't the same for everyone though. Some are able to move on more easily and for others it takes extended time.
ReplyDeleteTry to just take care and be kind to yourself as often as you can. I'm glad you like your grief counsellor... stay with her as long as you need to.
And Reiki... ahhh... what can I say, I love Reiki. It will help you. I'm so glad you are experiencing it.
p.s. if you would like me to 'send' you Reiki, I'd be more than happy to.
ReplyDeleteEmail me about it if you want to.
My modem and the local internet have been conspiring to keep me away from my favorite places, but I'm finally baaaaaaaack.
ReplyDeleteGrief is like a blanket that is sometimes a comfort and once in awhile so full of tears it just weights you down... but in time you have more control over it and can wrap yourself up on your terms with it. Meanwhile, you have so many people who come and check in on you, and that must help some.
On your "Without an Anchor" entry you asked if your Mom had forgotten you... I think when you have little reminders of her that pop up, it's her way of making a connection with you to say, "I'm still around and checking up on you..." like when you can smell her perfume, or hear a song you both liked. But that's just me...I've had to do a lot of forgiveness with my mother who committed suicide and that's taken a huge length of time to work through - not done yet. Still, my belief system allows for the energy to make connections after death.
This is what blog friends are for ;o) Big Hugs ;o)
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear you had a positive day! You are doing the right thing, talking to a grief counselor. I hope you continue healing!
ReplyDeleteLove and best wishes to you, dear girl; It will get easier, I promise.
ReplyDeleteUntil then allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. It is all natural and nature's way of helping you cope.
So sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm thankful you have people to help support you.
ReplyDelete