I am trying to post everyday. I wonder if getting things down here will keep the Black Dog away. Probably not. It is worth a try. Usually when I get depressed I will mention it here on my blog but won't go into detail about why I am feeling down. It feels like it is always the same thing and it is redundant to always be writing it down. meh I don't know.

Actually, to be honest I am feeling overwhelmed right now.  Last night my son (he is 17) told me that he hates everything and he doesn't want to live. He said he is not suicidal. He doesn't to kill himself but he doesn't want to live. Oh, this is a statement only someone with depression can understand fully. We talked for a long time and he told me why he doesn't want to live and I understand, I truly do. He is in his last year of high school. It is the adult world soon and he is totally freaking out. His dad does not help, in fact he makes it worse. Every time my son goes to visit his dad rags on him about getting a job, his drivers licence, better grades and on and on and on. The ironic this is his dad lives in the attic of his mother-in-law's house and only works seasonally as a painter. Maybe he wants better for his son but his dad needs to take some of his own advice at bettering his life and stop trying to live his lost dreams through his kids. And the real pisser is his dad has never taken any interest in his education. He has never once did homework with him. He has never gone to a parent/teacher interview. He has never paid a cent for the private school education my kids are receiving. All that has been done by me. With regards to my son getting his driver's license, I am going to be paying for driving classes. His dad? He doesn't think it is necessary and is a waste of time and money. Anyway, are you still with me? My son is depressed. He feels hopeless and useless. And yes. according to my son I am to blame as well. He thinks I am too critical. Though I understand and accept what he is feeling I am also miffed because I have done everything humanely possible to see that both my kids turn into strong, solid and loving people. I am the one that takes them to/from school everyday, sat up with them when they have been sick, listened and reasoned with them when they have had a bad day, paid thousands for extra-curricular activities and a private education, made meals, scrimped and saved to put meals on the table, did laundry, cleaned the house, driven them places, played with them, disciplined, and loved them. All his dad has done is pay his monthly child support but even that has not been consistent. (Oh, he pays the same amount that he has been paying for 12 years now...$254.00 a months for 2 kids. Nice deal, eh?)

So I am totally freaking out and sad and worried. Part of me is terrified but part of me wonders what else I can do. Seriously. What else can I do? My son's father constantly puts him down and I have to deal with it. My son says I am too critical because I expect too much when he does his chores. I am only trying to get my kids to understand what the real word is like! In the real world bosses are a lot more critical than I will ever be. My god, I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I am going to get my son to a doctor A.S.A.P. and see if there are any hotlines to call. I will do what needs to be done. I am wondering if I can not allow my son to visit his dad. He is 17 and is able to make his own decisions.

OK, that is all. I feel so defeated. Where did I go wrong? I am too tired to proofread this so I hope it makes sense. Mental illness is a bitch. 

And I know this is not all about me. But I still feel crappy about all of it.