He Made it Through the Front Door

Black Dog of Depression

Yesterday I tried so hard to keep the Black Dog from the door but he is here this morning. Yesterday, I cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets on the bed, did a million loads of laundry and worked in the garden. He stayed away but lingered on the sidelines.  He came back last night and attacked with a vengeance the only way anxiety and depression can. I tried to go to bed early but could not fall asleep despite being very tired. When I did sleep my dream were filled with sadness and confusion. This morning I woke early with my heart racing, my hands shaking and tears before I even got out of bed. 
And if I am honest with you all, which I am not very often, this all started with a fight from my husband. We has planned a small trip away to the mainland. We looked at hotels together online. Yesterday I found out he is going without me. He already booked the plane. He said if I want to go I can book my own plane ticket. I was stunned. I didn't and don't understand why he would do that. His reason was that I "didn't seem interested". 
Deep down I don't think he really wants to be married to me. He tells me I have changed the last 2 years since my mom died. He is mad at me all the time. I understand this. I can't stand being around myself right now either. This peri-menopause is making me into a monster. Right now I am on the couch, crying as I write this and he is ignoring me, which just makes me feel worse. 
Oh blogging world, I feel so fucking alone. There is something seriously wrong with me. No normal person acts the way I do. 

Update - As some of your suggestions I have booked three nights away for myself and a lovely B & B. It is quiet and tranquil. Just me. 

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!

Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn