My mom died 6 months ago this week. It feels like yesterday. No, that is not true. It feels like today. It feels like she died today. Maybe I am just really, really tired. I just finished three night shifts and did not sleep well during the days. Maybe it is because I have been sick. Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back. It feels as if the person I used to be is gone. Or was she even ever there? When I left my ex-husband I spent years finding out who I was and trying lots of different things that interested me. Little interests me now. I am trying so hard, I really am. Please believe that. I get up everyday and I try. Everyday I try and yet most days I feel so sad and defeated. Defeated. Life has got the better of me and I don't have even a tiny bit left to deal with anything. Even when I blog I am not being honest with you. I say words that I think you want to hear. It has got to the point where I don't care anymore. My numbness is bigger than I am.
My family has gone to its knees since my mom died. My dad, my strong dad who has always been bigger than life is a shell. He used to be the strongest man I know and always had the answer. He is also lost and I have no way of helping him. My daddy is no longer strong and has no more answers than I do. I don't see my brother and sister anymore. We used to be such a strong family. We were so close. We used to never go more than a week without seeing each other. I used to talk to my mom and dad at least once a day and saw them several times a week. Now all my family might as well be dead too. It feels that way. Maybe we are.
I never knew grief would be an impossible task. I have been told I have been grieving too long and it is time to move on. What am I to move on to?
Anyway, my kids are now in the room and I don't like them to see me sad. My son is very sensitive and it hurts him. I am going to go rest on my bed.
Well I'm pretty sure there is no one who wants to move on more than you really, so that's a pretty insenstive thing to say, I'm sure if you knew how to move on you would, why on earth would you want to stay where you are??? so weird the things people think are ok to say to each other.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you find your way soon though, as it's wearing you out in this spot. xxxxx
What if you could give yourself one week of grieving for every six months you had your mother? Are you there yet?
ReplyDeleteNo.
It's okay to be still be grieving. It is.
From your words, you mom sounds like a strong, nurturing and loving woman – the family matriarch. Now that she’s gone, the rest of you have lost direction and connection. You are all grieving and missing her so much. It’s going to take time to find your way.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can say to you is to talk to her. Ask her to guide you, to give you strength to make it day by day. Tell her that you miss her and love her. Cherish her with your memories, traditions and even when you find yourself realizing you’ve turned into her. Smile when you remember her even if your heart is tearing up because little by little the smile will reach into your heart and heal it. Stay strong, you’re not alone.
I wish I loved my mother and she had loved me as much as you and your mom loved each other. I didn't grieve for her the way you are, so I cannot relate. But I cried about my Dad for a long, long time... he was so special and he loved me so much it was very hard for a long time. So it's hard on you, and it seems like it's hard on the whole family and I'm sorry for all of you missing her so much.
ReplyDeleteIt's not time to 'move on,' and that's coming from someone who doesn't know how to love or be loved... tell them to move on past you and let you be. Intending tomorrow you are feeling better.
Awww Barbara...don't be too hard on yourself... of course you are grieving... and of course it will take a long time. Your mom was with you for 40 years... that is a long time and to think you can recover in a span of 6 months is insane and insensitive of people to say. Showing your children that you are still grieving is a good thing though... as I am sure they want to talk about it... Why not sit around as a family and talk about all the wonderful and funny things that happened with your mom... include your dad in the discussion and make it another celebration of life... talk about it... share your grief and pain... you are stronger when you are together and grieving is a little bit easier when everyone is shouldering it. We love you Barbara... do not hide the truth from us... do not say words we would like to hear... just say what is it you are feeling inside.
ReplyDeleteGrieving doesn't necessarily have a fixed time limit. It can only be endured but it helps to have support. Even the support of your blog followers, is better than going it alone.
ReplyDeleteI am certain that 6 months is not time to walk away from your grief!! Of course you are still having your time to be sad, and you will for a very long time -- When we are so fortunate to have a mother to love and who loves us back unconditionally, their impact on our lives is immense and that gap when they go will be enormously difficult to cover over.. Your poor dad is lost too, of course he is, his life partner has gone and he is sinking... your love and support and your children's will help him through this.. When we lost my mother ten years ago, my brother took my dad to live with him for three months in his house in Belgium, away from their home.. it gave him a different place to be, and took the shock away a little so that he could return home afterwards.. is there any way you could take your dad in, to give him a break from all the memories in the house? Do not worry about grieving it is a part of living, and although you are trying to be strong for your kids.. its not bad for them to see you sad for your mum.. one day they will feel the same for your loss... Good Luck and God Bless.. those tears will dry one day and you will remember all her love that surrounds you even now! xx J
ReplyDeleteI know you don't believe it now, but you are progressing. It's just that grief is not a straight line. In spite of what they tell you, it isn't a casse of 'little by little it gets better every day'.
ReplyDeleteSome days are just hell. And on those days you can't remember that you HAVE had better times and you HAVE handled things.
{{{big hug}}}
I think they had it right a long time ago...you put a black wreath on the door and you are in mourning for a year. Really and truly...don't rush your grief...feel all the feelings. What gets me through is knowing my dad would want us to be happy and honor his memory by doing kind deeds. For me I have long talks with my dad while I am jogging in the beautiful Arizona desert...his favorite place. I tell him everything. Talk to your mom...she is still with you...feel her spirit and she will guide the way.
ReplyDeletewhat i want to do is nonsense but true. i want to lay you all on a beach in white sand and wrap you in a shawl which is both love and time. when you emerge there will be life. there is life now, only you do not hear it. your ears are gently covered by hands and webbing.
ReplyDeleteyou endure, sweet woman. you endure until the endurance breaks open into joy again. in the meantime keep breathing and loving.))))
xo
erin
There are no rules for this. Go with how you feel. And let your family go where they need to in their own grieving too. You'll come back together, in time, when it's meant to be.
ReplyDeleteYou are working, and caring for your children and doing some other things as you can too. Let that be enough.
{hug}
It's six months for me too.
ReplyDeleteSometimes there's that one person who glues a family together and when that person leaves the glue becomes dry and does not work anymore.
Maybe when you can, or if you wish, you could become that glue.
Keep her memory alive.
There is no time limit on grief. You must take as much time as you need - and nobody has the right to tell you when they think that you've had enough time. It sounds to me as though your siblings are expressing their own grief by withdrawing. They'll come back when they feel ready for it. My heart goes out to you. You are showing strength simply by putting it in writing and acknowledging your grief - this in itself shows that you are getting stronger.xxx
ReplyDelete{{hugs}}
Birdie. Six months? Strange how a period of time can feel like forever, endless, so long; and then also like the awful loss has just happened, right now, just yesterday. I am sending you some love. Keep putting one foot in front of the other(the quote in your header says it all!) This is a particularly difficult day. There will be days when you feel stronger and more days like these. I suppose it is hard for your siblings to see you, you will all remind each other of yoru awful loss. Along with that you will remind each other of the love and the joy. On strong days, remind them of that joy and celebrate the young people in the family. Wish I could give you a long hug and cry with youl. xx
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