My mom is back the hospital. The cancer is everywhere. She is in the Palliative unit. And to deal with it I did something that brought shame and embarrassment to my family. I drank way too much tonight at a family picnic. I have no excuses. I am not a drinker and 3 (large) glasses of wine hit me hard and fast. Last thing I remember was getting sick in the sink. I cannot even come close to admitting how much remorse and shame I feel. I don't know how people who drink all the time deal with this shame. What kind of person goes to a family picnic and vomits in the sink?
Do you ever come to a point where you feel everyone would be better off without you? That is how I feel tonight. I am not saying this to have people to tell me that I am a great person and I just made a mistake. So, don't, please don't. I just am such a weight to society. Other than my kids, so many people would have an easier time to NOT have to deal with me. Blip. I am gone. If it would not cause my kids so much pain for the rest of their lives I wish I could just be gone.
we are all utterly fallible and human. what did you do that was so wrong? felt the weight and love of your dying mother? then no one deserves to live.
ReplyDeletethere is no shame in feeling pain in this living. there is no shame. there is only witnessing one another and having a generous heart. what can we do but hold you? who would want to judge?
i feel so deeply where you are right now. i rub your back while you do the nasty and i tell you into that mirror that tomorrow will still come.
you're beautiful.
much love
xo
erin
What?(last paragraph) I'm sorry you feel this way and cannot agree with you that you are a weight to society. AT ALL. You bring a light to my day everytime I read your writing. I mean everytime. I would be honoured to know you in real life and am honoured to be connected to you here. You are a beautiful light and a comfort. Even beautiful lights sometimes flicker, and need a hand around them to shelter them from the cold winds.
ReplyDeleteAll we can do is hold each other when these painful times arrive in our lives and when that awful feeling of being "wrong" or "shameful" hits. You are trying to manage such enormous grief and pain and are being so strong for everyone. It all has to come out somehow.
Birdie, go easy on yourself. You're deasling with grief.. why add pointless shame to your plate. If you don't generally drink and three glasses of wine got to you... so what? You tried to forget for a bit.. no harm in that. Your body had other ideas. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteErin speaks the truth.. she's a wise woman. And you are indeed beautiful.
You were seeking your own palliative care. You are human. You are hurting. I'm with all of the above and don't add shame to your burden.
ReplyDeleteThis is the hardest thing you have ever gone through and there is no right way and please- don't take your sadness out on yourself.
We've all been there with the wine (or reasonable facsimile) and we live and we go on and eventually, we come to terms with it all and we learn.
It's okay, baby. It's okay.
Grief hits us all in different ways. I hate to tell you this but you're not the first person to get drunk at a family picnic and then vomit.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts to lose someone you love and you just want the pain to stop but you don't know how to make it stop. It will get better, I promise but it will hurt for a long time.
As for your lovely depression telling you that the world would be better off without you, tell your depression to fuck off. It's not true. Depression impairs your thinking. I saw this bumper sticker once when I was very low, "Don't believe everything you think"
Sending a hug. It's okay to hurt Birdie, it's okay to be angry, to flair away. You love your mom, she's dying and it hurts like hell to lose her.
Girl, be softer on you, please.
ReplyDeleteWe always talk about forgiving but we never forgive ourselves... Why don't you try to?
Love
Isa
Oh Birdie. I know that feeling, I suspect a lot of us know that feeling. You love your mother, and sometimes we don't know how to deal with love-and-losing all wrapped up together. Your big black dog turned into wine for one day and went public. You think that's never happened before? I've seen big black dogs that turned into razor blades, into guns, into needles that left a series of holes in arms. Your dog is there and will be there for a while; you will have to deal with it as you can; and sometimes if you have to get drunk and vomit to keep it at bay, well, you just have to do it.
ReplyDeleteFamily picnic? Then everyone knows what you're going through. If they don't, they will. Nobody will condemn you. People can be far more understanding than we sometimes realize.
I have to tell you a short true story. There was a time when my sister decided the world would be better off without her. AND HER SON. She was deeply depressed, and her son was constantly in and out of juvenile and then jail. Neither had a job; they lived off her boyfriend whom she detested and kept only for financial support - trading herself for groceries and rent. She never left her apartment. She felt she and her son were both a drain on the family, on society. And she decided to buy some pills, spike their food, and just...drift away.
Thank goodness, she confided this to another sister, who took charge and got her some help. Kicked the boyfriend out, moved her and the son to her house out of state and started rehab. It was a long painful process, and my sister is still depressed, and her son is sometimes still in jail...but...
She gained the strength to leave her apartment. She holds a job. Her son gets hired now and then. She takes meds to help her get through. She laughs. She pays her own way in the world, sometimes with a little help from friends. And she has purpose - she now has a granddaughter who is the light in her life. She is HAPPY. She makes me happy.
Yes, you still have a lot to go through, and I ache for you. But better days are ahead...you can't see them yet, but they're there.
(PS - I suggest you don't go to any family picnics for a while.)
Perfectly said Lilith.
ReplyDeleteBirdie, read what she wrote twice. And then read it again.
Hugs to you.
When stress and hurt hit it is not unusual to a bit too much to drink without really realizing it. Most of don't intend to do this but that first glass may have been fine but before you know it the second leaves us without the control.
ReplyDeleteYou are going through much with your mom in Palliative Care. Believe me every one will forgive you for this. They know what you are going through.
Forgive yourself...and allow yourself to tend to these days ahead. Sending you a hug....
"What kind of person goes to a family picnic and vomits in the sink?"
ReplyDeleteA good person who just cannot bear so much pain and grief. So what that you vomited in the sink? Small change against what you are dealing with.
That monster feeling telling you and filling you with "knowing" you are a weight on the world and we would all be better off without you is a familiar voice to me. Deep inside you know that it will quiet down and you will be calmer.
you are so fucking hard on yourself. What can I say about that. I do that too. Just hold on to the fact that even that goes away.
For some reason or another we are taught to feel guilty about letting ourselves go once in a while... we feel guilty about not acting or being composed and controlling our feelings and grief... but what makes things a little bit easier is the fact that we know we are human and so have feelings...
ReplyDeleteWhat you are going through is not easy for anyone... your dearest and only mother is hurting and in pain and you know what might be coming next... I believe you are dealing with it now so that you will be strong when you have to be... you are too hard on yourself... it is not important whether or not the drink made you sick in the sink... the important question is; did it make you feel a little bit better while you were drinking it...did it help for a little bit to wash some of the pain away... did it relax you a little? if yes, then great! then there is nothing you should feel guilty about... guilt is such a burden...
I know you are not looking at anyone to tell you that you are wrong in thinking you are dead weight... so I will only say this... look around you... watch your kids come to you for help... or your fiance... does he hold you? does he ask you for a listening ear? Does your mother hold your hand? all this means that you mean a lot to so many people... it is about time you look at yourself and see yourself through the eyes of your loved ones... and your blog friends... you are loved Barbara... yes you are!
Shame is awful. Been there too often. I know you've heard that this too shall pass. And pass it will, entirely too slowly for comfort. We do love you and are prepared to keep loving you till you can love yourself again.
ReplyDeleteSweetie pick yourself up, dust off your butt, brush your teeth. and get on with life. If anyone had the "excuse" to get smashed it was you. At least you were sober enough to barf in a sink and not on Uncle or Auntie Yoohoo's lap. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh gawd girl, If I had a dollar for every time I've done stupid shit like that where I wake up in the morning trying to figure out where to even BEGIN on damage control, I'd be a rich bitch, instead of just a bitch, trust me!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry to tell you, you are NOT the only one in that boat girlfriend.
Ain't nothin but a thang. Get past it, everyone else will, believe me.
And you know, as far as the thinking it would be better to not be here part??? I've gotten unbearably down and depressed so many times, life has sucked balls so bad, and I've been so incredibly unhappy before, but no, I've never thought about just not being here anymore.
No matter how fucked up 'here' is, it's still better than not being here.
That's all I've got to say about that.
So knock it off, ya hear?
*smootch*
Go easy on yourself....you're perfectly human. Like the rest of us.....=)
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, how can you even think that, who give so much to us? The very fact that you feel ashamed means you are a good person. Look how much love you inspire in us all out here around the world! There is a part of you in all of us, I'm sure, because we all care how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings, been in that frame of mind myself a lot. It's a horrible feeling, but you know it's not true in any sense that the world would be better off without you. Just not true. The world would be a much reduced place without you in it.
And in the great scheme of things, 3 glasses and a sink is NOTHING! Did you kill your baby on purpose? Did you start a war? Did you torture people? Did you maim anyone, or cause any real and lasting harm anywhere? Perspective girly, perspective.
Firm and gentle hand here, your inner child is crying out for some loving forgiveness and understanding of her lonliness and pain. And you're just who I would want to comfort me if it was me in that pain. x