No Title Tuesday. Wait, it is Wednesday.
I really have very little to say. My mom is about the same. She sleeps a lot, eating very little. They are both markers of the process of dying. A couple nights ago I couldn't fall asleep and had a panic attack. I am so afraid of losing my physical mom. She is a little shorter than I am. She has always had very, very fair colouring as she has always stayed out of the sun. (No wrinkles but damn, what was the point?) She has lost about 50 pounds in the last while but she was about my size as well. I am going to miss my pale, soft hugging mom. I fit so nicely in her arms, and I belong there. I am going to miss her hair. I am going to miss her hands. I am going to miss her tiny little feet. Oh god, I am going to miss her voice! What am I going to do when I can't call her anymore and hear her voice?
I know all this dying is part of life. I have accepted that she is going to die. I don't have to like it. In fact, I hate it. Anyway, this is life isn't it? It is time for me to grow up and behave as an adult.
In other news I lost 6 pounds this week but I can't make myself care.
Of course you will miss her in all of those ways. Of course. Oh honey. I am so sorry. Love on her now all you can.
ReplyDeleteMy mama is shrinking too. In every sense of the word. And it is hard. You are going to have to dig deep.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom died 3 years ago this coming September with me by her side. Your comments struck something deep in my being. I loved everything about my Mom and was so afraid of losing the physical Mom (so well put). But I find her with me everyday...all around me. They are never far. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteYour post hits so close to my heart.
ReplyDeleteI look at my hands and see my mother. I can picture her hands so vividly and almost feel them. At those moments when I am missing her so much it hurts I grab my hands and pull them to my face.
My mother used to leave birthday messages on my home answering machine. I've still got several that I will not delete. I play them while making dinner because that's when I think of her most. It helps hearing her voice.
Last night I looked at the clock and thought 'Mom should be calling soon'. She used to call right before I put my daughter to bed. We would talk to her while my daughter was dressing. There are times I forget that she's gone and its crushing to relive the reality.
Everyone tells me 'she'll always be with you' and that's true in some sense, but it's still so incredibly painful. And as natural as death seems, it also seems so unimaginable and *wrong* for someone to just disappear from your life.
I am counting down to the one year anniversary of my mother's death. It hurts.
Oh my, I'm sorry to be so sad and depressing.
ReplyDeleteAs you said, it is part of life. And I hate it too.
There will be more good times.
Sending you hugs. I don't think there is anything easy about a parent inching closer to death with each passing day. We went through this with my MIL a year ago and I can tell you from experience it is heart-wrenching. My best friend also went through this recently with both her father and her brother. Some people hang on and fight to stay alive, in terrible pain because they don't want to cause sorrow for those who will remain behind. It is important to let your mom know how much she is loved. And it is important to also give her permission to go. Yes, you will be sad, yes you will always miss her, but you will be OK. It's hard to do.
ReplyDeletePS- to answer your question about my linens... my kids aren't little anymore, so we don't have the same kind of messes anymore. If I'm serving something really messy, like spaghetti sauce, I get the vintage cloths out of the kitchen. That being said, many stains will come out if you pretreat and wash right away. I just removed some yellowing spots from napkins using the lemon juice in the sun trick. Have you ever tried that?
ReplyDeleteHow I wish I'd had such a loving mother to miss so dearly... I felt that way about my Dad's death, was with him near the end, and then he was with me when he actually passed... long story, but I'll shorten it.
ReplyDeleteThe morning that he actually died, I got a phone call from him telling me that he was leaving, not to worry, that his wife (my step mother) was planning to have two cars for the funeral; one for her and one for us (his children) as she couldn't bear to share and he begged me to not judge her for this. OK, I said. Oh, boy, I'm going to miss you terribly, I told him. And he said, "me, too" which was a standing joke with us. And then I woke up to hear the phone really ringing and it was my step mom telling me he had just died. When I got back to L.A. for the funeral, guess what? She had two cars......
My mother has been gone six and a half years, and I still sometimes thing "Oh man, I should buy that for mom, she'd love it!!" or "I'll call and ask mom".....
ReplyDeleteThe reality of it is so hard. It's something we all have to live through, and it sucks balls.
Love and strength to you, friend.
I'm so sorry. You will get through this someday, healing little by little.
ReplyDeleteI as a physician can only say you: it's better to mourn for your mother that not to feel sorrow for lossing...that's unnatural.
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I am so sorry, sweetie. You are in my heart and thoughts often. Hugging you tightly, Mina
ReplyDeletePraying for comfort. I am so sorry.
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